1d ago

Wooden Spoon Only Thing In Man’s Life That Not Giving Him Cancer

theonion.com Wooden Spoon Only Thing In Man’s Life That Not Giving Him Cancer

SPARTA, OH—Setting itself apart as a uniquely innocuous object, a wooden spoon is the only thing in local man Patrick Davies’ life that is not currently giving him cancer, sources confirmed Thursday. Unlike every other physical item Davies encounters in his day-to-day existence, the bamboo utensil i...

36 comments

I always crack up at the nonchalant "sources confirm" in this kind of article.

Wait until you learn about the mycotoxins that can accumulate in wood.

Why use more words when less work? (I know it's the actual title of the article, no offense towards you, op).
- It's newspaper title logic, it's been a thing forever. It was too save space back where every letter counted.
  
  Yeah. Sorry, I was just being dumb. As I said nothing against OP.

... Oh, it's treated wood? Never mind. RIP.
- http://www.p65warnings.ca.gov/wood

well, it depends
If the wood used to make the spoon has been treated with chemical agents, it can potentially cause cancer as well.

Yeah, but it just soaked up bacteria in the sink…
- Actually, the capillary action of wood is antibacterial. It dehydrates the cells and they die.
  Wood cutting boards are more hygienic than plastic.
  
  Yep, read an article about not applying finish to cutting boards for this reason.
  Also found out open grain woods might be better at preventing bacteria from building up, was always told the opposite.
  
  Where else am i to get my required daily dose of microplastic?
- At press time, sources confirmed moisture within the wooden spoon had caused Davies to contract a drug-resistant and potentially fatal fungal infection.
  
  Heh, I didn’t read the article! ¯(ツ)/¯

And they called me mad for doing the work I do. MWHAHA!

Splinters could cause small wounds in the lips or tongue. Over time, there will be a slight increase in cancer risk. Also, cancer needs nutrients to grow, so anything that helps you to eat could eventually lead to cancer. Better to wither away than aid your cells in growing and dividing, I always say.
- Indeed, being a multicellular organism usually means you're either pre-cancer or already have tumors that have not yet become malignant.

Intruder that broke into his house, snapped the wooden spoon in half and impaled him with it.
- This comment gave me cancer
- An intruder named Van Helsing?

headline is weird
- Headline is accurate.
  
  "wooden spoon only thing... that not giving him cancer"
  it should be that is not / that's not / not. 'that not' is nonsense with a singular subject.

36 comments