What is something you would like to abolish, and why? (Humorously)

I would like to abolish subscription fees for most items that really shouldn’t have subscription fees. If you bought the item, it should be yours. That’s the point of buying the item.
- I think if you buy something, and you modify it to provide subscription services without being subscribed, it should be legal.
  Example, that stupid Mercedes where they charge a fee for the heated seats. If you flash your own software on the car that allows heated seats, it should totally be legal to do so.
  
  That’s an interesting thought

The stock market.
- But how will I know if I'm rich or poor without a nasdaq score telling me how the rich are feeling?

I would abolish toilets without bidets. You would be legally required to have a bidet in all bathrooms, private and public. Worldwide!
- It's ubiquitous in Vietnam, is it not where you live??

corporate fucking personhood. not that it exists but the friggin false idea that it should and any belief system that lead or may ever lead to it.
- OP said 'humorously' not 'to make the world a better place.'

Video tutorials without captions/instead of text. I don’t want to watch someone fumble through over 30 minutes what I can skim in 5.

Billionaires.
Also, the propagation of the idea that you are poor because of the actions of even poorer people.

Professional sports teams. I'm just sick of hearing people blather on endlessly about them and expecting me to join in.
Bring back gladiators!
- Its the drawn out bullshit that I have no patience for, its a midseason game between two teams who arent going to make the finals... calm the fuck down.

Everyone here being so serious.
Children in breweries. Fine, fine at least keeping the sanctity of 21 and over areas of breweries. When did breweries become a family affair? How come every place has to become a family friendly place, why can't we have just a few adults only places?
No matter what I get some child screaming while I'm trying to enjoy a beer. And every parent will say "well where are they supposed to go" and my answer is always "literally anywhere else". Everywhere is okay with kids. And then others will say "well mine are great" which I would say I don't care, but other parents don't care and ruin it for the rest. So if I got to abolish anything, it's be kids in breweries.
- Yes! I do not understand children in breweries. It seems like irresponsible parenting to me. Taking your kid with you to a place not meant for them, while you drink, and then getting into your car and driving your kid home after?
  Just go have a beer at home ffs, and don't subject me to your kid running around like a... Kid.
  
  Then they argue that they have a right to go out don't they? Which I say sure! But then you decided to have kids, so now you need to find someone to watch them. Instead they insist they belong in adult only venues
- I saw this at my local brewery.
  A bunch of bachelorettes with their penis straws and hats with SLUT in LEDs were having a fun time in the corner while some parents with their 8yo kids running circles around their table were also at the same brewery. Random guy in a trench coat with his giant dog. Nerd on his apple laptop.
  Nobody was acting a fool or making a scene. But it was a strange moment.
- We have this arcade/bar that was designed for and advertised as a place for adults. There are like 5 other arcade places nearby that are advertised as family friendly. And yet, they keep bringing their kids to the arcade bar. Why. Just why.
- No matter what I get some child screaming while I’m trying to enjoy a beer.
  At a brewery? What? Why?
- Unfortunately most people on Lemmy are extremely serious people.
- As someone who works in booze your kids do not belong in my workplaces.

Mosquitoes.
- This is one I can get behind.
  
  At least the handful of pest species yes.
  As I understand it, there are no mosquito-obligate predators, and other insects will likely satisfy the food chain
  (Feel free to prove wrong)

The inconsistency of apostrophe usage in English for possessives and contractions. If it was instead written...
It-s a wonderful day out today, take your phone but turn off it's data so you can soak up the clear blue skies.
It'd be so much fucking easier and my OCD would be satiated.
- It-s
  Thanks I hate it. Also wouldn't the "it's" be 'its' without apostrophe at all?
  
  Eh - I thought dash was a pretty reasonable symbol for "There's a contraction here" I don't really care about the actual symbol as long as we stop using the same symbol for contractions and possessives. In my sample It-s would currently be written It's and the it's (a possessive) would be its if that's what you're asking.
  Possessives always get an apostrophe outside of weird exceptions where they clash with contractions. I'm proposing we fix that. Also - let's bring back mass possessions like "At the bake sale Moms' baked goods are always delicious"
- To be honest I think we could just ditch the apostrophe in contractions altogether. I cant think of a situation in which itd make anything less clear. At worst there are perhaps uses of the fairly rare non-contraction verb "cant" that wouldn't be immediately clear
  
  I'd be cool with that - I don't care how we mark contractions just as long as we stop reusing apostrophes for it.
- Granted, but no hyphen.
  Henceforth, possession shall be denoted with ` and contraction shall be denoted with '. Possessive plurals shall be denoted with ``.

Unless it was part of it, multiple levels of packaging.
Open up a bag of chips. It's bag, then chips. Perfect world.
Open up a box of cookies from hell. Open up the box. Open up the freshness seal bag. Pull out the individually wrapped cookies, and open those too.
Straight to jail. No question.

Ban streaming services from advertising they have something on their platform and when you go to it, you realize you need to pay for an add-on subscription.
- I am currently stealing Amazon streaming from my neighbor, who let me use it. It's full of ads now.
  Can't even watch Invincible without 8 minutes of ads.
  Easier to just pirate.
- Piggybacking on this, ban archiving/vaulting. If you're the sole owner of an IP, you must provide that content everywhere you offer your services. Otherwise it becomes public domain.

The need to pee at night.

Digital billboards. That degree of rapid pace advertising is toxic, also those fuckers are bright AF.
- I would extent this to billboards in general. Its annoying and nonsensical to advertise private products in public spaces
  
  I would extend this as well to solicitors.

People saying “blog” when they mean post. You did not write a new blog on your blog, you wrote a new post on your blog.
You do not drive your car on the car. You drive your car on the road.
- Do people still have blogs?
  
  Totally. Whole businesses have sprung up for running and monetizing them. Check into Ghost, WordPress and WooCommerce, Memberful. Lots of other options.

Black licorice. Don’t even try to tell me that shit is candy. It tastes like some horrible byproduct of an outdated process for manufacturing tires.
- Yeah I'm gonna have to abolish your comment for that, black licorice is amazing.
  
  But have you tried making it extremely salty?
  -The Dutch
- Other people can't have something that personally dislike?

The word 'literally'.
It's been abused and needs to now just die.
Additionally, anyone uttering that word must be slapped by everyone who hears it.
- Literally slapped?
- Also, the word 'actually'. Fuck that word.

Money in politics.

Dyson hand dryers. Too many dB.
- WHAT?

Teenagers. Just ship 'em off somewhere between the ages of 13 and 18. Pouty, Self-entitled, disrespectful shits.
- Maybe they are like that because we already ship them off to indoctrination camps between ages 7-13.
  https://www.quora.com/Do-you-think-public-schools-in-your-country-are-designed-to-make-kids-docile-obedient-workers-for-the-upper-class/answer/Harri-K-Hiltunen
- That is an incredebly cruel thing to say about developmentally challenged people.

The colour red so that way whenever somebody goes to "Red Lobster" all they see is "Lobster" on the sign.
- Would this have the unfortunate side effect of also eliminating the color pink? What about purple and orange?

Regional locks.
Why the fuck can't I watch first 2 seasons and last 2 seasons of an anime on crunychroll sony? Why the fuck can't I register your accounts to my country sony? Why the fuck can't I buy your games on steam in my country sony? Why the fuck can't I listen to your music on my streaming subscription, sony?
There is no reason for this shit to exist.

Dihydrogen monoxide.
Literally kills thousands of people a year.
- It's all around us. Easier to remove the carbon based life forms.
- I don't know why people worry about this so much. You can literally wash it off with water.

Property taxes. Land value taxes are just better.

News outlets taking quotes from company PR/employees and including them alongside facts about reality. "Company x does something horrible, here is the data. Meanwhile, the CEO says it's inaccurate because bs reasonexcuse.". So much of corporate media is this, we've nearly lost the expectation a news outlet have any sense of responsibility outside of an easy quote from the paid company representative. Every single employee quote should come with footer "but of course this person does pay their mortgage based on saying whatever the companies needs it to to continue doing what benefits it the most so this is idiotically biased".
- 24 hour news is to blame.
  You can't have one story anymore. You need to turn it into like 20 stories. Which means that one story, but the perspective of every single other person. The CEO, the Janitor, Ja Rule, everyone.

Anybody else owning cats. Then I can have all the cats. 🐱 🐈

The 9/10 extension on gasoline pricing.
When this fuel was 13¢ per gallon, sure some folks might want to compete with finer-grained pricing.
It's time to drop that pretense

Motion-sensing faucets in public bathrooms. I feel like there is somebody behind the mirror trolling me every time.
- I don't understand why they don't just have a foot pedal to activate those things. You could make an argument for handicapped people, but you could just have one sink use conventional knobs.
  
  Probably because it’s cheaper to have it all be in one unit that’s easier to install. User experience has nothing to do with it.
- My apartment has motion censor faucets.
  I live in a nightmare.

The ability for human beings to advance scientific knowledge further than it currently exists.
Something needs to protect the rest of the galaxy from us.
- Ah, the Amish Philosophy.
  Pick a time period and stick to it like it's a moral virtue
  
  LOL, the Amish Philosophy.
  Nothing so crude. I simply think it’s better for the universe if we don’t propagate it, because we’re not a good enough example for other species to follow yet. It’s not about respecting “God’s” law so much as acknowledging humanity’s limitations. We’re a pathetic species, not ready for rulership over multiple planets, let alone multiple solar systems. My comment simply suggests I don’t have confidence we ever will be. This has nothing to do with the Amish belief that we’re better in a simplistic state; just that the universe is better without us in whatever state.

I would abolish banana peels. They cause far too many injuries and I think doing away entirely could calm everyone, especially those in banana-rich areas where peels are most common.
- Just the peel? That is going to make every other part of acquiring and eating a banana really weird.
  
  And maybe we need that. We've been blessed with delicious bananas too easily for two long.
- He ain’t got a peel on his ‘nanner!

No more internet gaming, all multiplayer gaming must be local, so that you can actually get your dumb ass up from the chair and punch (or be punched) by others, like our ancestors intended.

Is it by magical means? Then name calling, mostly to watch Trump deal with it.

Manchester United Football Club

Socks with sandals
- NJ would like a word with you.

Conservatism
What good has it fucking done us

Money. It's just a mechanism of control because those with the power to share never learned to do so. They're the kids at the playground hogging the swing set while everyone else is getting wood chips kicked in their face. Humanity in a nutshell.
Maybe not humorous, but I hope it paints a picture.

Our modern day concept of ownership.

The now ultra-common usage of "whenever", when they actually mean "when".
I can't fucking stand it. But it's everywhere now. I have no idea how it got so common but I'm surrounded by people who use it incorrectly.
- I wonder if I’m using it incorrectly now.
  We can go to the cinema whenever you like.
  That is how I would use it. And I would use when like, when did you go to the cinema?
  
  You've used it correctly! An incorrect usage would be:
  "Whenever I go to the cinema, I get popcorn."

Okay, humorously...
Eating pizza with a fork. If you're afraid of hot grease burning a trail down your arm, you don't deserve to enjoy good pizza.
Reasonable exceptions for children and the disabled can be made.
But if you put ranch on it you should be thrown in Guantanamo Bay.
- Pizza place near me has ranch pizza at discount for $1.
  I thought I was getting a deal and then promptly threw it away.
- GL with Napoli-style pizza w/o one though

Pineapple. Not just on pizza (although that is an abomination), but all pineapple in food or drinks. It's weird and slimy and its taste taints everything it touches. Plus fresh pineapple is trying to digest you while you eat it. Just a horrible fruit all around.
I will not be swayed by counter arguments.
- You, sir or madam, are an abomination and should be abolished.
  Pineapple is only slimy when inappropriately treated. For pizza you need to cut into small chunks, drain over a sink for a minute, and then quick fry in a pan to give a little caramelization. THEN put on pizza and bake. It is magic, paired with Canadian bacon, salty, sweet. Yum
  Best breakfast burrito: the Hawaiian. Ham, potatoes, pineapple, eggs, sour cream. In fact, you have inspired me, with your hateful statements this morning, and I'll be putting and order in shortly.
  
  Best breakfast burrito: the Hawaiian.
  You are obviously disturbed and need professional help, that you would defile the sanctity of a breakfast burrito with that devil fruit.
  
  Best breakfast burrito: the Hawaiian. Ham, potatoes, pineapple, eggs, sour cream.
  Damn, that sounds good.
- This is me with mango. Disgusting ass food that's related to poison ivy. No thanks!

First, I'll abolish your milk
Then, I shall abolish your VIRGINITY

Green bell peppers. I hate the way they taste. Had someone tell me they don’t taste like anything. Ok then why even bother if there’s no taste?
- Green bell peppers have a distinct taste. They also mature into other colors of pepper so your request is denied.
- They are good for menemen/shakshuka/cajun.

I want to abolish door knobs. They account for a thousand injuries in the world every few months. They must go.
(For the sake of the question since the question is over everyone's head in the section)

it would be nice if the current president's life were (humorously) abolished
- Humorous or not, when that floating turd finally swirls down the hole, I'm buying a big-ass flag pole specifically so I can fly it at full mast.

Pouring cereal before the milk.
- Wait, what?
  
  ಠ_ಠ
  Pouring milk on top of the cereal means the cereal at the top is going to get pushed down a little and get soggy more quickly. Pouring milk over cereal is an atrocity that must be abolished.