HOUSTON—Coming to terms with its diminished status after thousands of years as a venerated deity commanding pure devotion, the sun admitted this week that it was unsure what it had to do to get humans to worship it again. “Last year I tried this huge total eclipse, and that didn’t do shit,” the sun ...

CAIRO—Finally solving the mystery of how such architectural wonders could have been built with primitive tools in ancient times, Egyptologists from Cambridge University announced Thursday that they had unearthed depictions of the simple ramps and levers that aliens used to build the pyramids at Giza...

LOS ANGELES—Saying such individuals posed a threat to the safety and security of all city residents, the Los Angeles Police Department announced Thursday that it had arrested everyone who lost their home in the ongoing wildfires. “In the interest of maintaining public order, I have instructed my off...

"I'm not some evil greedy monster, it's the least I could do."

MENLO PARK, CA—Claiming that the banner embodied the spirit of the company’s values, Mark Zuckerberg defended his controversial decision Friday to fly a Confederate flag at the Facebook headquarters. “Facebook considers itself an open environment that accepts all perspectives, and white nationalism ...

MINNEAPOLIS—After months of declining sales at the retail chain, experts confirmed Tuesday that Target was losing market share due to more Americans opting to forgo all earthly possessions. “While Target used to have a loyal customer base that would leave the store laden with everything from cosmeti...

WASHINGTON—Revealing a steep decline in the populace’s knowledge of its own country, a distressing survey commissioned Monday by the Department of Education found that most U.S. citizens are unable to name all 340 million Americans. “The ability to recite from memory the names of each of the nation’...

LOCATION CLASSIFIED—Grumbling “Not this shit again” as a shadowy figure zipped around at the edges of his vision, elite commando Maj. Teddy “Sandman” Hawthorne confirmed Friday that he was sick of unseen assailants darting through the fog to quietly dispatch his team one by one. “Man, it really tick...

Git History Reveals Midnight Copy-Paste from uBlock Origin

NEW YORK—According to a report released Friday by experts who know all about what has been happening in your mind for the past few seconds, the terrible thing that just popped into your head would make your loved ones turn on you immediately. “Everyone you know, everyone you care for, would abandon ...

CHICAGO—Acknowledging that candy-coated batteries were an iconic part of the brand’s legacy, Duracell announced Thursday that it would be removing frosting and sprinkles from its manufacturing process to discourage children from eating the company’s products. “When parents shared with us their conce...

MINNEAPOLIS—Cackling in gleeful anticipation, the staff at local gym Verve Fitness reportedly installed confusing new equipment Monday to mess with anyone joining in January. “Good luck getting back in shape, idiots—you’ll never figure out how to use all these pulleys,” said fitness director Kyle Ca...

It’s the holidays, which means it’s time to go home an delicately navigate social interaction with the right-wing bigots you have nothing in common with…

WASHINGTON, DC–In cooperation with the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, Wizco Toys of Montclair, NJ, recalled 245,000 Aqua Assault RoboFighters Monday after three dumb kids managed to kill themselves playing with the popular toy, ruining the fun for everybody else.

Despite lukewarm reception toward The Walking Dead: Daryl Dixon: The Book of Carol, there is one group of individuals who have praised the show: SEO…

Millions of parents across the U.S. are scrambling to complete their holiday shopping. In honor of the season, The Onion looks at the history of the most popular Christmas toys.  1877: Millions of trees are felled across the country to keep up with children’s demands for woodcuts of President Ruther...

LAS VEGAS—Stressing how much it meant to Mrs. Claus’ sister to be included for the first time in the family business, Santa Claus confirmed Monday that as their present this year, all children would be receiving one of the bags of glitter labeled “fairy dust” that his sister-in-law sells on Etsy. “W...

CHICAGO—Stressing that the procedure offered affected individuals their best chance at recuperation, experts at Northwestern University’s medical school issued a recommendation Thursday that severely injured people should be placed into some sort of cylindrical tank filled with fluid. “Our data indi...

CLEVELAND—Screaming with delight when the rarely seen star appeared onscreen in the opening scene of the film, sources confirmed Thursday that, holy shit, Daniel Day-Lewis is in this. “Man, I thought this was just a Paul Dano flick, but I guess Daniel Day-Lewis has some sort of cameo in it, too?” sa...

“If you simply obey the speed limit, you can plow right through the little tykes and be on your way with plenty of time to spare."

NEW YORK CITY – Times Magazine has announced that Donald Trump has been named in their latest issue as their Person of the year, stretching the definition of “person” to its absolute limit.

MADISON, WI—In the hours following a violent rampage in Wisconsin in which a lone attacker killed at least two individuals and injured six others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Monday that there was no way to prevent the mas...

MANASSAS, VA—Producing numerous congenital and physical anomalies that include extreme Anglo-Saxon deformities, years of inbreeding reportedly caused a pug named Mabel to give birth to a British man Monday. “It appears that excessive pug inbreeding has resulted in this human male with visibly Englis...

SPRINGFIELD, MO—Claiming the awful predicament was every mother and father’s worst nightmare, reports confirmed Tuesday that more parents now say that allowing their children to play football is not worth the risk of having them drafted by the New York Jets. “Sure, there are positives to having your...

DAMASCUS—Stating that none of it would have been possible without the broken will of the nation’s people, ousted Syrian autocrat Bashar al-Assad left a note Sunday thanking locals for supporting his family-run dictatorship. “It’s been my family’s great honor to operate an authoritarian regime in thi...

AUSTIN, TX—In a sweeping prohibition with immediate implications for the Lone Star State’s potential mothers-to-be, Texas banned the sale of luggage to pregnant women Monday. “With this law, we ensure that no gestating woman living in our great state can pack her belongings and escape our will,” Gov...

"It is abundant, free and 100% renewable"

SEATTLE—Saying the amenity was meant to ease any inconvenience caused by the disruption to his daily routine, Harborview Medical Center officials explained Thursday that they were sending area man Alex Leahy home with a loaner dad while his biological father was being worked on. “This one’s seen bet...

SAN DIEGO—Lying on the couch in his cramped, poorly lit apartment, local man Mark Borkowski was reportedly having the best Thanksgiving of his life Thursday while getting high and eating Taco Bell thousands of miles away from his family. “Wow, I never knew this holiday could be so genuinely wonderfu...

TORONTO – A friend you will literally never see again has proclaimed you should “do this again soon!”

NEW YORK—After being forced to eat McDonald’s on the private jet of President-elect Donald Trump, a visibly sweaty Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly performed surgery on himself this weekend to extract a Big Mac from his stomach. “I have to cut the McDonald’s out before it attacks my other organs,” s...

With Democrats reeling from the magnitude of Donald Trump’s victory, analysts and party insiders are coming out with plans for how the party can recover in time for the 2026 midterms and the 2028 presidential election. And we thought we’d join in by focusing on the one issue everyone seems to agree ...