1y ago

what has worked for you to stop getting angry thinking about people who hurt you?

I'm letting people who hurt me in the past live rent free in my mind.

One episode involves a former landlord that tried to run me over in an intersection with no traffic cameras.

Another one involves a manager that fired me for informing that one of his favorites yelled during night shift and ignored alarms to talk. He fired me the next day, used the exit interview to tell me everything I didn't do right (but kept quiet about his favorites, even though I did the job like them), still had the utmost confidence on his favorites, accused me of being lazy and instead of simply firing me and keeping neutral he chose to take it personal, proceeded to try to scare me insinuating I wouldn't work for his system again, when that failed, tried to humiliate me and then fired me. This was in an non union hospital.

When I think about it I get angry. Id like not to be so thin skinned, but here I am.

47 comments

I really struggle with this, too. If I have a nasty confrontation with someone, it can eat at me for days. Sometimes weeks. Logically I know I'm being foolish. Emotions are tough, though, and not logical.
Sometimes venting about it with a supportive friend or family member can really help. Hearing someone else validate your feelings can help you move on.
Distraction also works. I try to immerse myself in a book, movie, game, whatever. If I can forget the incident for a while, it has far less power the next time I think about it. Laughing about how dumb and petty it was can totally disarm it. Once you get to that place.
Therapy can help with this sort of stuff, too. But therapy is expensive. And I think most therapists have better things to tackle than some petty dispute I had with a coworker or neighbor.
The worst ones for me are the situations where I was the bad guy. Or I was the idiot who ended up getting myself hurt through my own bad decisions. One of those still haunts me, over 30 years later. I can forget about it, sometimes for years, but then it will pop back up in some way. I think it's just, unfortunately, part of being human.
Try not to beat yourself up over these lingering thoughts. Everyone has them to some degree. Learning to let go of such baggage is a life skill that takes constant practice.

Revenge usually does the trick.

From "Verissimus", a comic about the Stoic philosopher and Roman Emperor, Marcus Aurelius: https://imgur.com/a/FlvGJGT (my apologies for the first two pages being out of order).
There is a section about the Greek philosopher, Epictetus', teachings about anger. My favorite two are "Being unlike your enemies is the best form of revenge," and "Goodwill is a virtue, the opposite of revenge, the desire to help rather than harm our fellow man. So replace your anger with its antidote: kindness."
- Didn't know there is a comic version of his meditations, that is cool! Thanks for the tip, have to check that one out.
- Those are pretty awesome! Thanks, I think I can get a lot of benefit from them.

Allowing yourself to feel your emotions without care.
There's nothing wrong with being angry at people who hurt you. You're kind of supposed to be; that's what anger is for.
It's not unhealthy or imprudent or a negative in any wat regardless of what anyone else told you, or society. There's literally nothing wrong with it and people who tell you there is are being deeply unethical and usually have a political agenda. Ignore them.
Be angry, be sad, be fearful, cry, and be free.
Also you need to do something to hold those scumbags accountable, especially the landlord who tried to run you over. What the fuck? Didn't you call the cops?

Experience all the emotions dude
You're allowed to let those emotions flow through you. Yell and hit something inanimate if your mad. Cry if your sad. Let those thoughts come. And then let those emotions go
All those bad times were lessons you had to learn one way or another. Those lessons should hopefully help you never make those same mistakes or hang around those types of people. Life teaches the hard way unfortunately
But yeah, I used to repress my emotions cause that's what a big football player is supposed to do. I had to be a rock and no matter what just bottle it all up. But I've been able to be a better rock for others by letting myself cry it out when I need to.
Lastly, I wouldn't say I forgave all those who have wronged me. Nor have I forgotten. But I guess it's like a really good song I just heard. The first dozen or so times I listen to it I'm completely focused and the song just sounds diffrent cause it's fresh in my mind or whatever. But then I let the song play a bunch, maybe even twice in a row here and there cause I'm so focused on it. But then one day the song just isn't a good for some reason. It's kinda like that but with shitty situations.
Idk I'm not a therapist lol

Write a long thorough letter that you don’t send. It worked for me with a friend who was awful to me for a year. Beauty think about him anymore.

Thinking about what hurt them. Being glad I am not them. That's about it, really. I guess also in these particular situations you can be glad you don't work/live there anymore, would you really want to be there if the boss was treating your coworker that way?

I had to do cognitive behavioral therapy to defeat cycles much like that. Fortunately, if you're not in a position to have a professional help you with that, it can be self practiced. The biggest take away is allowing yourself time to process it, so it doesn't occupy your mind when you're trying to do something important like driving or sleeping. Write out the angry thoughts and reflect on them, why its impractical and how you're putting yourself at risk for little to no gain. Match each negative thought with something positive if you can help it. Sure this person fucked you over, but you got to play a cool game with a buddy. They don't need to be connected but try to force yourself to spend equal or greater time on good experiences as much as your mind is trying to drag you into the gutters. Regret is one of the more powerful emotions you'll experience and you don't need to cause yourself unnecessary burdens. If you feel you're a risk to yourself or others, please seek out professional help. This isn't medical advice, just myself reflecting on my own experiences. I'm told this service is pretty decent. https://www.betterhelp.com/
- Just be sure to spell out "cognitive behavioral therapy" if you search it. Other results for getting started with CBT might bring you somewhere other than where you intend to go.
- This would be my advice. The books "Feeling Great" or "When Panic Attacks" by David Burns are the go to resources for CBT. Honestly I never got much out of years of (on and off) professional CBT, but books make the whole thing a lot more digestible.
  For OOP, CBT might help to really understand why these particular experiences are so meaningful to them.

Do you have a release for emotions period? Burn out the anger with a crazy workout and intense playlist. Write about it poetry style or otherwise. Buy a punching bag.

It’s quite rational for you to feel angry towards people who seemingly went out of their way to wrong you. One thing that helps me is contemplating the inner existence of that type of person. It must be awful to walk around without a teaspoon of empathy. To walk around disconnected from basic humanity. To find pleasure in hurting others. What a cold existence.

Although I am an atheist, if I am wrong, I am fairly certain they are going to hell.

people who hurt me in the past
The pain is inside you now.
Not in them. You can't give it back to them.
Even the best revenge (if you are maybe thinking about revenge) is not going to relieve the pain inside you - it would only create new, additional pain.
Forgiving is the way to go. And I'm not saying that it is easy, just saying that it is the way to go. Forgiving means to let them go free. Give up any wish for revenge. Decide that you are not going to bring it up against them anymore. Ever. Let go of the bad thoughts and then you can let go of the bad feelings too.
Make sure that you know (maybe tell someone, or write it down in a long letter that does not need to be sent) all of it when you try to forgive. It means, when you decide to let go, you rethink (only this one time) all that has happened and all the feelings it has caused - especially for this purpose of letting it go. And then you can let go.
And then this will set you free.
- Holding on to feelings of anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick.
  Meditation and forgiveness help a lot.

I got revenge for them having fucked with me. Unfortunately, once I calmed down I realized that as a result of my actions I had burned a bridge that in retrospect, I'd have rather not burned.
So now I try to think really hard about whether someone deserves the way I treat them.
- Also keep in mind that sometimes you can burn bridges you didn't intend to burn in the process of burning the one you did intend to.
  Others can observe and judge without having their own pony in the race. Hell, sometimes they would even be on your side if they knew all of the information but they don't and might not care to hear it or believe it once they've passed their initial judgment on the revenge act. Or you might never even know that they've burned your bridge because of that and it just looks like they've grown more distant over time.
- What instance of needing a burned bridge to be intact can you describe?
  
  An ex was going out of their way to humiliate me, presumably because they were hurting. I revealed one of their secrets and effectively ruined their social life. Years later after going through shitloads of therapy I realized that despite what they did to me, I still wanted to be friends with them. Unfortunately, due to my actions they no longer want to be friends with me.

I'd encourage you to think about these events as you would a physical injury. A physical injury can hurt for a long time and no amount of recognition or "processing" or "getting over it" can short-cut the all-too-slow healing that needs to take place. It's no fun and there's no way to just make it go away.
That said, you can do things that care for the injury while it is healing. I don't know what these are for you, but for me, I needed to recognize that the people I was angry at were also instrumental in helping me advance.
For example, I had a string of terrible jobs with bad bosses, but that string of terrible jobs led me to someplace that I am very happy to work. Once I realized this, it started getting easier to recognize both that the way I was treated was wrong and that I was also glad that these people were essential to me get to where I am. Even so, it was a long process and physically painful. My anger towards these people did nothing to hurt them, but it was terrible on my health.
I'm sorry you had to experience these things, but I hope they eventually lead you to someplace better.

Say things like "That's it, you're on the List" and walk away muttering nonsense.
- Chris Jericho, is that you?

Try some self parenting. If you were four years old, what would you want the best parent to say to you if they learned that you were thinking of this?
Said another way, what would you tell your kid if they were dwelling on something like this?
When I first got going in law I had a judge lay into me one day and I left there questioning all my life choices. I realized the dude didn't know but a small part of my life, was not and could not make any real judgments about who or what I am, and the guy is probably an asshole to his family and his kids hate him.
- Bad advice. There's people with this problem who has neither the will nor the ability to think as a parent.
  
  Okay, it's not for everyone. Maybe will help OP, maybe not.

Being hurt doesn't make me angry, it makes me hurt. I really only get angry about things in the future, not things in the past. Sorry that's not helpful to you.

I'm really lucky in that I learned "what goes around comes around" at a relatively early age.
When I was 16/17, the main bully from my secondary school died. He'd taken a car to go joyriding and lost control when being chased by the police.
As I've gotten older, I've learnt that, while it can sometimes take a long time, people who treat other people badly get what's coming to them more often than not.
- I’m really lucky in that I learned “what goes around comes around” at a relatively early age.
  This has not happened in my life. The person who was the worst to me also lives in the most luxury and will likely die of old age in it.

yoga
distance running
weightlifting
skydiving
stuff like that. I kid you not, it will make all the bullshit everyone has ever done to you, melt away because you are better and awesomer than any of their bullshit.
And you can also file legal proceedings against them to sue their asses for destroying your life.
- Do you have any suggestions for people that hates physical exertion and never will risk skydiving?
  
  Physical effort does calm the mind. Even if you don't like it, we are animals and made to move around, walk, run some, stretch to reach things, climb, dance. There isn't really a substitute for that.

I rarely get angry at anyone, which, sadly, means I didn't gain the skills to deal with it very well. Thus, if someone DOES make me angry, it can linger for YEARS. The record so far is some 50 years with my parents' abuse, followed by a few friends' betrayal as a teen (separate incidents). I have about half a dozen incidents where I have been seriously fucked over by people I trusted, and hate my continued anger over it more than I hate the event itself.
I found, however, patience has its own reward. If you're the type of person who really fucks me over, and it's definitely not my fault, eventually your behavior will fuck yourself in other ways. I don't "get revenge" like some cartoon, but years later, I'll find out, "Yeah, that asshole? After her did that thing to you that took you years to get over, his super-special kid went to jail, his wife left him, his business tanked, and last anyone heard, he's living with him mom (whom he despised) in his 50s with zero prospects for his future." If you fucked me over, but it's partially or wholly my fault, then, well, I deserved it. Sometimes I make mistakes, like screw someone's lie over by revealing a secret I didn't know was a secret. I try super super super hard not to do that, even if I hate their guts, or the lie needs to be told for some esoteric moral bullshit (like cheating on his wife I didn't know he had). But I try to keep my nose clean. I try not to gossip when I can help it. This also helps to know "I did my best, given what I knew."
- Dude. If someone needs you to keep track of their lies so they don't get caught out, they're no friend. They're putting you in a terrible spot for no reason.
  If you need to lie, then tell me the lie. Even if you're a bad liar, never ever tell me any story different so at best I can suspect you're a dick not not know it. And I'll never know a different story to tell. And if you need like an alibi and I already know differently, then get someone else to alibi you.
  Lying TO me is a dick move, sure; but making me carry your lie for you is worse.
  
  Lying TO me is a dick move, sure; but making me carry your lie for you is worse.
  Agreed. For me in most cases it's a relationship-ending offense.
  
  In my rare cases, it's been one of those issues where I didn't know they were keeping it from someone BUT it's something that should be obvious if you thought about it for a second, OR, they claim they told me it was a secret, but it was not obvious. And I have to say, "At no point did you tell me this was a secret." Which, you know, makes them look WORSE because now it looks like it was not only a secret, but they were intentionally covering it up as well. And then somehow that's my fault. It becomes a game of "he said, she said," and I lost some friends over that over the decades. Was I right? Yeah, but that's not the point.
  The problem is people lie all the time. I do my best, but sometimes I don't get those clues. And sometimes? I have had people lie FOR ME when there was no need to begin with. Like someone tried to "cover up" where I was some evening from my wife, when my wife knew where I was (a goth club). But then he claimed I was with him, and I wasn't. So that started a whole mess. I had to explain, "I was still at the goth club, he thinks I was with him, because he thought you weren't supposed to know I was at the goth club, and 'was doing me a solid' for no reason." It got to the point I told everyone, "Never lie for me. Either I can stand on my own actions, or I deserve to get caught for being stupid. I am not someone who can keep track of things that actually happened, much less lies." Lies make me panicky because, well, like I said earlier, I have accidentally exposed people.
  I try not to. But I make mistakes.

Be active. Do something like exercise or find a hobby to distract yourself from the pain or bad memories. And yes, people say this one all the time, but it's true.

I don't believe in heaven but I need to believe in hell. - Anon
It's not easy but all you're doing by dwelling on it is giving them more opportunities to hurt you. Learn to talk yourself down when it starts taking over your head space.

Personally I imagine what shitty unforfilling lives they must have to be the way they are. Then I aim to outlive them. Outlive them life span wise, in happiness, in forfillment, goals, and everything!

Drugs

murder

Forgiveness.
- Can't believe I didn't think of that!! OMG, problem solved. Can't believe it's not therapy!
  
  Ignore that hopeless shill. People peddle that shit because they're zealots who don't care about anyone other than themselves.

47 comments