Don't tell me what to do.

Bread 🥖

What goes up must always come down

Several years back, I went to the store at the beginning of summer to get some foam pool noodles for the pool. I couldn't find them anywhere, not even Walmart.

The next spring, they were everywhere, but they all included a tag or sticker that read "Not to be inserted rectally."

So we had to go a summer without pool noodles so the government regulators could protect us against some butt stuff some weirdo tried.

if you can shove a pool noodle up yer arse, I don't think the government should tell you not too
- SOMEBODY should tell you not to!

My body, my choice.

Doctor: can you at least wait a few seconds after you take them out of the deep fryer next time?

I have moved on to egg rolls.

Well I am on pineapple satay skewers. Get with the now.
- Challenge accepted!

First they told us not to eat the yellow snow, now they're telling us not to stick spring rolls up our poop chutes. It's like doctors don't want us to find any joy in our lives.

Or give them reasons to earn money while also telling crazy ass stories to their friends and family. Literally.

Just watch me motherfucker

Well DUH! It's summer idiots.

I'm sure you can get frozen spring rolls

Well, I wasn't going to before, but now I am wondering what hidden secrets they are keeping from us??

If only there was a better way...

I wasn’t going to, but now you’ve got me thinking about it.

The new sexually frustrated boomer trend

A spring roll a day…

"Breaking news"

Yeah probably the same "doctors" that give vaccines and think covid is real 😳

It's because those doctors already have anal beads in their ass.

they are going that way anyway, why not have a couple take a shortcut

This is why we can’t have free healthcare.

More importantly, is that soy sauce? Y'all eat spring rolls with motherfucking soy sauce? Ewwwwww

The fuck? First person I've met that objects to this. Even the sushi places usually throw in soy sauce for your spring rolls
- Wait, sushi places have spring rolls? Never seen one offer those. I thought it was a doner kebab thing, I get them with cream sauce or garlic sauce or something. Definitely not soy sauce yuck.
Yeah. You should be lubricating your spring rolls with sweet&sour sauce.

“RFK questions guidance on not putting spring rolls up your anus.”

Is that him or the worm talking?
- Maybe the worm likes spring rolls.

Literally 1984

I missed that page.
DO NOT SHOVE SPRINGROLLS UP YOUR ASS
- Don't shove spring rolls up your ass, shove autumn wraps into the digestive system in reverse. :)
The surveillance is a bit anal.

FLARED. BASE.

Hindsight is always 20/20.
- I have so many questions about the train of thought that led to this… situation.
- Sunglasses? Really? Didn't have any better objects? C'mon.

It's the fried ones that are the problem: crispy = sharp edges = torn bowel = septic shock = dead.

The fresh ones with the squishy exterior should feel much more like a penis going into your ass. Choose the sauce carefully - your entire GI tract has receptors sensitive to spiciness.

Best thing to do is just fry the egg rolls inside your bowels. First you coat your lower intestines with aluminum foil, then you shove in the egg rolls and pour in the hot oil.
If you want to push the spicy level but not have a visit from Satan's eyeball, they make this great barrier ointment called Ilex. Just, uh, you have to be careful not to glue your butt cheeks closed to most folk put some Vaseline on afters. Who knows, maybe they've fixed that but i last used it regularly when I wanted to belong to the nuclear taco club but couldn't get Thursdays off, it's been a minute.
- First they invented great barrier reef, now they make great barrier ointment. My God what horrors and highlights, the hubris of humankind.