Clean butt

I got onboard the bidet train during the Covid lockdown. Simple to add on at my apartment. It was my #1 request when I moved to my GF's house. We replaced the whole toilet with the upgrades.
- Yup. Same. Feels way better. It's just like taking a shower after every dump.
  
  Yay, bidet!

"Hey, if some caked-up mud pie got on your face, would you just wipe it off with a dry piece of tissue and call it a day? No! You'd wash it. So why is your butthole any different?" - Detective Allen Gamble, 'The Other Guys'
- My butthole is very different from my face and I hope that is true for everyone else as well
  
  Lip skin is the same as butthole skin
  Be kind
  Bidet and wipe
  
  Different enough that you don't mind having shit smeared all around it?

Bottle of water. Wash with hand.
- Punch a hole in the neck of a small water bottle using a (hot) needle or a cork screw. Fill the bottle with water, close the lit and spray your ass by holding the bottle upside down and squeezing it. I used this 1$ Ghetto-Bidet for years!

Reading this on a toilet without a bidet :(
Please send your prayers
- Thought and prayers 🙏

Bidets are amazing. If you don't have one you should go buy one, they start fairly low priced
- Paid $50 for mine like 7 years ago. Is it fancy? Heck no. Does it clean my butt real good? Heck yes.
  When I can afford a fancy heated, air drying bidet that will be my goalpost of success.
  
  I started with a $30 cheapo 10 years ago and it was life changing. Last year I got a stupid expensive one. Like, has a night light, auto flush (because I got the matching toilet), auto lid, heated seat, heated water, deodorizer, wireless remote, etc. (Toto S7A)
  Just so you're prepared, the air dry doesn't fully replace the pat dry entirely unless you're gonna sit there for a good long time.
  That said, I have no regrets.
  
  I honestly got used to the regular temp one. So much so that when I moved and the new house came with the fancier bidet, I just ended up using regular water every time.

- 🤌
- I don't know about you but I don't wipe my anus on my face or use it to pick up food. No judgement though.
  
  But I sit on my couch and bed, where I sometimes lay. I know there is a layer of clothing, but sweat is a thing.
  
  Me either, but I would still prefer it to be clean.
  
  Do you ever have someone's face near your junk?
- If I got shit on my arm I would wash it with soap, there's no soap in a bidet so I don't get this argument
  
  By that logic, why wash it off at all? Why do anything?
  
  Water > dry paper.
  
  But with a bidet, you do have an option with soap since it can be rinsed (which I believe is the norm in my poor ass country, be it bidet or good ol' dipper). I don't normally wipe soap with a tissue.

I like the bidet's we have at home, but I don't get the ones that are separate from the toilet. Saw this type when visiting San Juan, PR once. Their plumbing system can't handle toilet paper very well, so it's all bidets with a stack of washed towels.
Not only do they take up extra space in the bathroom, but are you supposed to waddle over to this thing with a dingleberry hanging out? I don't get why you'd want that.
The one argument I've heard in their favor is from people with vaginas who don't like the idea of the built-in sprayer catching bits of poop that'll get in their cootch.
- Not all vagina-havers are women is the point you seem to be missing.
  
  A world with people? With vaginas?
  
  What are you talking about?

Why is my ass always itching?
Because you don't wash it, you dumbass.
- Do people not wash daily? This seems like a general hygiene issue, and not that closely correlated with bidet use.
  Source: I have never used a bidet, and my butt does not itch, ya know, because I wash daily?

So, maybe I'm missing something here, but bidets don't seem all that great? Everyone on the internet is always proclaiming life changing experiences with these things. However, when I recently used them they don't seem to do very much. My butthole is still poopy and when I wipe to dry my ass the toilet paper tears.
- Operator error.
  
  Clearly needs more hydro pressure
- Some are better than others in both power and nozzle angle/placement. Sometimes you have to shimmy to get the angle just right if the power is low. It should result in a wipe in which no fecal matter remains, only wetness, if executed properly.
  
  Exactly. There's a learning curve but once you've got it, you dread wipe only bathrooms. Installed a bidet on one of my toilets six months ago and now that's the only toilet anybody in the house poops in unless it's already occupied.
- I was like you a few years ago.
  The crappy ones feel like that.
  Then I sat on a fancy one that sang me a lullaby and gave me positive encouragement as I pooped. My god, my entire butthole is so fresh.
  I now understand.
- You need to use the power washer setting. Takes the paint right off the wall.....
- Low water pressure maybe? Mines a real cheap one and I've never had issues with not being clean after. I do usually get stronger toilet paper, but I only use a roll or two a month. I wouldn't say it's life changing, but I do prefer it. Also has saved me a lot on tp
  
  Yes and also mine takes 30+ seconds to properly clean so make sure you take your time.

Had my first experience of a bidet in Japan but not just that, the toilet seat was heated too, that was my first dump after landing
- That's what I love about mine. Automatic lid raise and lower as you walk in, heated ring and water, (both adjustable temp), air dry, (again heated), and charcoal filtered air filtration to minimize the stench from that drive through burrito.
  It's the posh life. Very nearly the equal to having your own chamberlain.
  
  Humm, I see you enjoy Toto. The king of home Bidets!

I got something like this for like 15 euros from a German shop but I'm sure you'll find it everywhere. I payed a little extra for stainless-steel instead of plastic. It's still incredibly cheap and my family uses it daily for years. I don't need any more luxury.
- If it's tapped directly into the ice cold water line that sounds terrible. Gotta save up and spring for ceramic instant water heating.
  
  Nah, it's great, seriously. Saves me a cup of coffee in the morning. :)
- I think this is better than whats mounted into the toilet, because well sooner or later you get one of those days when shit flies everywhere and then enjoy cleaning the nozzle, meanwhile these things are usually just attached to the side of the toilet pr to the wall and no danger of it getting shit on barring extreme circumstances
  
  Even the cheap ones have a self clean setting. It just sprays water down the nozzle, and is between on and off. Turn it to that for a second and then off. Never had an issue. When I clean the toilet I use the same brush to glance over it, but really it stays clean on its own
- Plastic doesn't rust, sometimes it's better. Even better if it let's you adjust the spray width.
  
  Well you could hire a maid, and they pour toilet bowl cleaner onto it. Even after you told them not to. Now the plastic is eaten away, and you have to replace it.
- This is the kind I have, and I will never not have one again.

An actual shit post lol

Bidet with a quiet-close toilet seat 🧑‍🍳💋
- Wiping like a pleb when you travel and slamming the seat.
- Auto lid, auto flush checking in.
  Yes, I'm spoiled.

I read Biden 😢
- Skibidi Biden

My friend has one of those Japanese ones. It also has a warmed toilet seat. When I came out, I said that seat is amazing and they said people never come out of there. I proposed that they were napping on the seat. Why do seat warmers feel so good? The thing is, I could never figure out how to make the actual bidet part work. I suspect the people who took a long time were also trying to test it out, but didn't know how. Or maybe they did and enjoyed it?
- Japanese toilets are so far beyond what we're doing anywhere else in the world it's not even funny
  Wtaf have our toilet scientists been doing for the last century in the western world?
  
  Trying to get people to sit the right way on the toliet.
- It’s as easy as using ~~two~~ three shells.
  
  Thanks a lot you shit-brained, fuck-faced, ball breaking, duck fucking pain in the ass.
  
  What's the third one for
  
  I remember it being a meme, but I couldn't remember which one. For the uninformed like me: https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/three-seashells
- Mom, dad, I’m gay. Also that heated toilet seat is amazing.

I’ve brought bidets awesomeness in groups before.
It is immediately apparent who is “in the club” and who is not.

Me

Remember you don’t have to clean your whole ass. You just have to clean your ass’s hole.
- I wash my bum with liquid soap and my ass smells like strawberries all day. Hell yeah bidets

I was literally getting my ass sprayed when I opened this meme.
- Check out this dude/dudette, having sex while on the internet!

Clean butt club!

Am
- I am

Anyone got bidets to recommend (full toilets or kit to install on top of current toilets)?
I feel like most are really expensive and I wouldn’t want to waste money on something too expensive or something bad
- I've had this for a year and no issues. Takes 5 mins to install and anyone can do it. $35 after tax. I think I got it for 27 or something last year. If you don't like it after a while, you're not out much. But Ive saved more than $35 in toilet paper since I've got it
  https://www.walmart.com/ip/Mainstays-Dual-Nozzles-Bidet-Attachment-with-Self-Cleaning-in-White-Water-Sprayer-Bidet-for-Toilet/5613101215?wmlspartner=wlpa&selectedSellerId=0&selectedOfferId=D7457F3B7ACF397DB62BC5ACC71F57F0&conditionGroupCode=1&wl13=3137&gclsrc=aw.ds&adid=222222222785613101215_117755028669_12420145346&wl0=&wl1=g&wl2=m&wl3=501107745824&wl4=pla-394283752452&wl5=9013636&wl6=&wl7=&wl8=&wl9=pla&wl10=8175035&wl11=local&wl12=5613101215&veh=sem_LIA&gclsrc=aw.ds&gad_source=1
  Maybe that ones fancier, idk
- I got a Brondell bidet from Costco for like $80. It's just the seat and it's pretty fancy slick with how it self cleans and hides/reveals itself while having no electricity going on. Just have to make sure that if you want hot water you'll have to connect it to the sink waterline. I didn't do that and the cold wasn't a problem after a few uses getting comfortable.
  Worst case just return it if you don't like it.
  
  I got my Brondell bidet from Amazon and it cost $20.
- I got an $80 one from Home Depot. And it was the second best purchase i have made. It really didn’t have to be expensive… but i did try to buy one on Amazon… and it was designed to fail, so i recommend just going to get one at a store

Soon. Soon.

fuck yeah

How appropriate to have posted it here. Are you cleaning up the hole place?
- (⁠ ͡⁠°⁠ ͜⁠ʖ⁠ ͡⁠°⁠)

Installed one for my wife when she moved it, never used it. At this point I've forgotten it's even there. Talk about old habits dying hard.

I'm using one of those hand squeezer bidets and yes, it's great. Ever wiped your ass until it was sore? That's because some little shit pebbles refuse to get out. With a bidet you can shoot those motherfuckers directly out of your rectum.
- We’ve got one of those ones that attaches to a regular toilet, and I gotta say that it’s fucking wonderful.
  However. The water pressure in our house can be kinda weird. Mostly it’s normal, but sometimes it’s like a jet washer for a few seconds. And those few seconds after you’ve first opened the bidet are like getting reamed out by a Karcher.

Bidet causes vampirism?

Can also wash your ass in the shower.
- You shower after every shit?
- Yeah, but some people shit thrice daily.

Heck yeah!
https://reddthat.com/post/11434663

Yes.

I love spraying flecks of poo all over the handle so the next guy touches my poo flecks, very euro sanitary
- Ew its a bidet, not an enema dude
  
  Not with that attitude, it isn't.
- Skill issue.
- How would you even manage to do that?
  
  When you spray your asshole with a high pressure stream of water it sends flecks of poo into the air

Why are you using a French dude in the pictures when everyone knows they don’t use bidets?

Not pictured: the wet spot on the back of their pants.
Seriously, how do bidet enjoyers dry their asses?
- theres this thing called a towel. not sure if you've ever heard of it. theres also still toilet paper. you have two options at least, maybe even more.
  
  My one has a heated fan to dry down there
  
  Yes but now the towel has poo water on it
- I keep some toilet paper too.
- Sit for a minute or two to air dry and then use a towel or few pieces of toilet paper to touch up any wet spot. Still much less toilet paper than if you didn't use a Bidet.
  Also some Bidets have actual blowers lol.
- I have toilet paper for most of it and a fan to dry the rest of the way on mine.
- My wife blots with a bit of TP and tosses it in the trash can. Guessing plumbing is more sensitive where she's from.