8h ago

would dating my ex friend be worth it, do you think he could love me and would calm down if i said yes or am i just thinking this out of sadness?

i just broke up with my bf who ghosted me bc he realized he's gay (im a woman). i don't even think i like guys but i have this compulsion to ask out my friend who i blocked just to have a man that treats me right and fit in with straight women who have bfs.

he kept talking about how he could treat me better than anyone else, that i should've ditched my bf for him (obv i said no), and badmouthed not only his gf of a few years since age 16 but also his first time. he left her bc she showed signs of schizophrenia and she blocked all his socials after he left.

he kept guilttripping me when i said i didn't want to be his gf so ik he doesn't care about consent regardless of what he says. he also completely ignored me liking women and acted like i was straight but i feel lonely.

i kinda wanna make him happy and have a bf who pays attention to me but ik i'm probably just saying this out of sadness. we were friends but i had to block.

18 comments

I'm not going to tell you what to do. I am going to point out the red flags you cited and ask what you would say to a friend who was considering dating someone who behaves like this.
he kept talking about... that i should’ve ditched my bf for him
In other words, he did not respect your relationship when you were in one.
badmouthed not only his gf of a few years
He handles struggles in a relationship by badmouthing his partner to others,
he left her bc she showed signs of schizophrenia
and uses an armchair diagnosis as an excuse to get out of a relationship instead of just saying it's not working for him anymore like an adult.
he kept guilttripping me when i said i didn’t want to be his gf
He doesn't care about your preferences, and tries to manipulate you when they don't match his.

That man has more red flags than a flag football team.

As a straight guy
<sinp some pointless comment>
, stat the fuck away from that guy

Girl, I can't believe no one here is telling you that the behavior you've described is absolutely not "having a man that treats you right". Guilt tripping, trashing his own girlfriend while being with her, telling you to be unfaithful, ignoring your homosexuality...
Hell, the way you've described him makes me wonder if his girlfriend was actually schizophrenic or if he just gaslit the fuck out of her and ditched her when it started to catch up to him. Did you know her personally? Did she show signs of schizophrenia that couldn't be explained by gaslighting? Did he try to work with her through her potential schizophrenia? That'd be another huge red flag: if she showed signs of disability and instead of trying to work with her, he dumped her.
Don't do it.
You're just sad, hurt, and about to get yourself into a hell of a lot more hurt if you listen to this strange compulsion of yours. Chill. Take a deep breath. Find some lesbian chicks. There've gotta be dommy lesbians around you if you're in a somewhat populated area in the US. Make friends, fuck your friends, have fun, and maybe you'll eventually end up with a girlfriend or two (and maybe a trans puppygirl too).
- Mossyfeather smart
- i didn’t know all the details, he just said that she showed signs of schizophrenia and acted weird. i didn’t know her and didn’t know their relationship, but i know he did leave her because she had hallucinations, paranoia, thought objects were real (like dolls), and apparently age regressed a lot. he said she got too clingy and “weird” and even “crazy” for his liking. (which ik that word is stigmatizing in that context because in high school, we were told not to call ppl who showed signs of mental illness crazy)

This situation seems messy. Breaking up and going straight to someone else before you work on yourself seems like a mistake. This friend also seems to not be trustworthy. Why did you block them in the first place?
- thanks so much, i blocked him because he wouldn’t stop harassing me. he told me to ditch my bf for him and didn’t care that i didn’t have feelings for him. in fact, he didn’t care much about my personality or identity so long as i was his girlfriend. that’s all he saw, nothing else outside of that.
  and even though he wanted me to “take my time”, he was convinced i was his future wife despite only having known me for about a week all because i was pretty and nice to him.
  he also didn’t actually care whether or not i liked him, he just wanted me to say yes regardless. i feel like since that was his first time, he’d have sex with me, force me into doing it if i said no, and then break up and badmouth me.
  
  Re-read your own words. This went from unhealthy to straight-up dangerous.
  
  Asking you to cheat while they would also be cheating is a huge red flag as a potential partner and friend. Sounds like you know what you need to do :)
  You're worth more than that!

ik he doesn't care about consent
That's it. That's all your post needed to include. Literally everything else is unnecessary. Your history with your ex is irrelevant to this critical factor.
This is the only piece of information that matters, and it screams, "Hell, no." This man shouldn't exist in your romantic space.
Fight the loneliness by working hard over a year to build platonic friendships with groups of people. And then you'll be able to reenter the arena of romance with a level head, unclouded. Don't let loneliness cave your standards down. That almost never leads to anything lasting and satisfactory. I'm sorry for the pain you're going through but the guy you say you're considering will only severely worsen things, based on your descriptions.

You blocked him for a reason

You need to sort yourself out. First of all you need to find out if you even want to be with guys, girls, or which ever fits your mood. Try exploring your sexuality and find out what you want. You will do yourself no good wasting time with boys making you unfulfilled that could have been better spent smashing gashes with lasses that make you happier.
Ex-friend sounds like he won't actually be a good boyfriend because of how much he shit talks others, tries to emotionally manipulate you, and doesn't know how to recognize and "see" you.
Learn to be happy by yourself or you will never know how to be happy with someone else.

Best advice I can give at 40 is simple: Don't worry or even think about dating anyone because of relationship reasons. Be the best version of you and make yourself happy first. If you are balanced and in a good place, you'll meet someone in similar straights and it will work out right.
Try volunteering in your community for a day. Just try it. Meeting people that are also volunteering is a good way to find great people that have the kinds of qualities that lead to life long friends. It will also put life in perspective.
Chasing relationships always lead me to bad places.

You said you probably don’t like guys. Your bio says you’re a lesbian. Could you perhaps try to find girls who act the way you’re looking for and forget the other people? That man is not healthy for you, and you could just be looking for anyone out of loneliness.
Good luck to you 🫂

Lol do not use that man just to solve your loneliness. That’s borderline abusive behaviour. On the other end it also sounds like this guy is a crazy asshole and you shouldn’t try to date him because he sounds like he sucks ass.

My simple adive : do what you want to do and don't do what's you don't want to do.

You describe the ex friend as pressuring you to dump you (in the past) to dump your (at the time) bf and date him instead. This is a person who doesn't respect your agency or value your happiness.
It's possible he could be a pleasant experience for a little while, but it wouldn't last. He wants to be with you not because he believes he can make you happy--that is the foundation of a worthwhile relationship.
Rather, he wants to be with you because he has fantasies about the person he imagines you are. He doesn't care about who you are, if he did he would care about the relationship you were in and would care about your choice to be in it. He "cares" about who he imagines you are, his fantasy girl who wants him enough to leave her partner. If he were to find out you're a person, a human person who doesn't idolize him, the target of his fantasies would change.

18 comments