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Just Post @lemmy.world

db0 @lemmy.dbzer0.com

8mo ago

I become a career bureaucrat.

I would be responsible for creating more and more paper forms which have to be filled by hand before each task.

PS: Can you guess what I'm doing now?

127 comments

Whatever the guys in MS Cloudstrike did today.

~~I write code for those who pay me money.~~
I delete code of people who don't pay me.
- Based.

I’m a teacher, so I guess now I spread misinformation on social media for a living. 🤡
- You guys are getting paid?
  
  Yes we are (see, I'm doing my part in spreading the misinformation)
- I was gonna say I suck knowledge and graduation credits out of old people

I think the exact opposite would turn me into a literal pirate; stealing money in a way that statistically increases the risks of maritime commercial ventures.
- Are you the port authority or what?
  
  Maritime adjuster. My body is a machine that turns the inherent risk of fishing into box wine.

I make sure people don't talk to each other about what they're working on and hide important information they need to complete tasks. Sometimes I'll advise them to work on the wrong thing for a long time.
In my spare moments I delete the data in reports and unpivot tables.
- That sounds like what my managers are doing right now, minus the unpivot tables. I have to guess what I am supposed to do.
- Scrum master?
  
  Not an agile environment, but about equivalent

I fix software bugs
- What a coincidence! I now create them...

I transition automated processes into manual labor
- Probably how governments want to solve joblessness, just like the Germans in the second world war forced their population to build highways by hand.
  
  Like the Works Progress Administration.
- We use modicon stuff for that.

I write good code now.

I am now loving my job.

I write software that scours the internet for porn and other NSL content, then sends it to school kids.
- Jesus fucking Christ =)))

I have a job! Woohoo!

Software engineer here. I'd become the worst thing I can imagine... a user.
- Same but I was gonna say PM

Damn I feel like the polar opposite of my job is also my job. But if I try to make it bad, I'd say I would hurt and demotivate children and try to keep them stupid

I lock people out of their homes and break door hardware.
Aww geez, I'm a frat boy now
- Locksmith?
  
  Yep, and fratboy related calls are a surprising percentage of my income. Poor dears, a perfect combination of preternatural strength and mind-numbing stupidity. Or, as their parents like to think, our future

Break computers

Now I cut features from software one by one
- You'll have a promising career at Google

My job is having a job.
- Welfare?
  
  In the US? That's a good one.

~~I work in IT for a company that helps patients get medications they need.~~
I physically prevent people from getting the medications they need.

Black hat hacker, I break into people's servers and fuck up their shit
- Do you work at Crowdstrike now?

I guess I now beat people up?
- Welcome to United Airlines for your new role! You’ll fit in great here!
- You work in healthcare?

Well, fuck, I'm now an engineer on day shift. (I'm night shift QA and most of my issues are caused by careless engineers.)

Instead of talking to the customers and fixing issues I'm writing code and breaking things.
So apparently I work at Crowdstrike

Does that mean instead of cleaning up the place, I make it messy as fuck? 🤔 What's the opposite of a janitor?
- https://m.facebook.com/story.php?id=100044627940324&story_fbid=811165880381003
  Life without you would be terrible.

Annihilate transportation infrastructure on a large scale.
CloudStrike has already put me out of business, it seems

I am served and taken care of from the moment I wake up untill the moment I fall asleep. Someone makes me nutritious meals, and I only do activities that stimulate my brain. Once a year a small baby gets shoved up inside me
- Now I'm Not sure if you give birth once per year currently, only gave one birth in your life, or plan to be childless.

I'm an anarcho-capitalist with a real hatred for the homeless.

- Wait, if you destroy AI, wouldn't that make you John or Sarah Connor?
  
  Look he's a very special Terminator

Ill be hosting AA meetings.

Cause brain damage? Idk how do you remove knowledge?
- Tiktok. Facebook.
  
  Bookburnings Tv on tlc Let them play...

I do research on technologies that make airplanes heavier, increase their fuel consumption and make them fall out of the sky more often. Oh and I spend time in the classroom making sure students have no idea how to reverse it.
- How is it working at Boeing?

I find people who have been injured by corporations and greed, and rob them.

If it were the opposite, I make sure planes come out of the sky
- Erik, you mustn't!

Outbound inferiority
I make sure what I send is going to fail all the tasks. Nothing but the worst for my customers.

I ignore people with broken bones

Instead of building homes, I destroy them... So same trade, different step.

I go to people's houses and steal their books.

I make chemical weapons to kill millions.

I cause soft tissue damage
- Do you normally repair hard tissue damage?

I become a Asset Liability Mismanagement specialist.
My job is to devise an investment strategy and corresponding pension benefit structure that maximises the chance that the pension fund runs out of money before all pensions are paid, and does so as quickly as possible while taking as much risk as possible.
So basically what pension schemes did in the 80s and 90s.

I race up a mountain in an old suv. Hang gliders fly up and land at rhe top of the mountain. We all drive down to the landing zone.

I reverse-engineer software.
- Same, which is funny because i sometimes do that for fun as a hobby lol

I'm now taking digital databases and write them by hand in an unnecessarily vomplicated fashion to paper while making up a story for each entry.

I assemble and disassemble industrial machinery for final testing. I already do the opposite of what I do?

I think I work at Crowdstrike now

Traumatise people.
Could be fun for a while!
- If you pick the people carefully and tailor the trauma, I might not even take issue with it.
  
  Excellent.
  I'm gonna kill your mum, steal the roof off your house and send you twenty pineapple pizzas.

Efficient desktop destroyer

~~I travel on-site to build server clusters wherever my company needs them.~~
I decommission Raspberry Pis at home.

I break bones...

I guess now I ensure that hot water heaters will explode?
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=rGWmONHipVo&pp=ygUfbXl0aGJ1c3RlcnMgd2F0ZXIgaGVhdGVyIHJvY2tldA%3D%3D

I destroy aircraft tools. Sometimes I also make them.

Visit people's houses and take their food.

I decommission computers with a very efficient inventory and documentation system.

I disorganize rare books and artifacts 😔

I make up pseudoscience? I guess?
btw gravity is fake, the earth is flat
- No no no the earth is fat not flat

127 comments