Anon seeks enlightenment

I'll posit a (very poorly and drunkenly abridged) story from the Buddha that I actually think of on a somewhat daily basis, in contrast of all the Buddha-bad comments:
A man approaches the Buddha in the city. He says to him, "I hate you Buddha, you are always telling people how to live their lives and what they need to do to be happy, how can you have all the answers?"
The Buddha says, "I will ask you a question. If I give you a gift, would you accept it?"
The man says of course he would not.
The Buddha asks, "If you do not accept my gift, then to whom does my gift belong?"
The man says, "The gift belongs to you, because I did not accept it."
The Buddha replies, "Then I treat your hatred as a gift. You offer me anger, and I do not accept it; therefore, your hatred and anger belongs only to you, and only you may suffer it's consequences."
So when people get angry at me over things that are beyond my control, I reject their anger, let them yell at what they think is the problem, and move on.
Then the Buddha punches me in the face and I am enlightened.
- I don't accept buddhas punch
  
  I don't accept the IRS's gift
- Reject gifts from a demigod, in this economy???
- As heartening and insightful as this story might be, I find it difficult to imagine that someone with this much hate would at the same possess enough composure to state his problem clearly, take part in the Buddha’s spiel about it, and then not punch him in the face at the end.
  And I’m not suggesting that this would be a better outcome by any means, rather, that stories like this are sadly sometimes woefully inadequate to deal with the amount of anger and rage that continues to pervade modern society.
  
  You're missing the point. This is about the Buddha not accepting the hate and thus not being frustrated over it.
- this wasnt an explaining answer in any way to the guy Buddha is just an ass
  
  I don't think he asks that question in the original story. Drunk me was just giving him more dialogue.
- An understanding of Internal vs External locus of control coupled with thick skin will get you pretty much as far as you want to in life.

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog stand. The vendor says "what would you like on your dog buddy?" The monk thinks for a moment and then says "make me one with everything"
- The hot dog vendor says that will be $7.50. The monkey hands the vendor a $10 bill, which the vendor puts in the cash drawer. After a moment the monk asks "what about my change?" The vendor bows reverently and responds "change must come from within."
  
  Not about to be swindled, the monk the pulls a gun from within his robe. "What's that?!" the startled vendor asks. "Ah," replies the monk, "this is my inner piece."
  
  The monk pulls out a gun and points it at the hot dog vendor.
  The hot dog vendor exclaims "Whoa, whoa, whoa, I thought you guys were all about inner peace and stuff?"
  The monk replies "this is my inner piece"
  
  I died
  
  So if a monkey pays for your hot dog, always round up to the next $10 increment for charity.
- The Dalai Lama didn't get it
  
  It's because he changed it to a pizza shop. If he had said "hot dog stand" that old man would have been ROLLING with laughter!
- This is the single best Buddhism joke ever created.
- The vendor answered: “stop with that non-dualist shit. What do you want on hot dog?”
  
  non-dualist shit
  How about some Dichotomy then?

A monk told Joshu, “I have just entered the monastery. Please teach me.”
Joshu asked, “Have you eaten your rice porridge?
The monk replied, “I have eaten.”
Joshu said, “Then you had better wash your bowl.”
At that moment the monk was enlightened.
The moral of the story: do your fuckin dishes you dirty slob

Why don't Buddhists vacuum the small spaces of rooms? Because they have no attachments.

If you immediately know the candlelight is fire, then the meal is already cooked.
- Oma Desala
  Wayne Gretsky
  Jaffa Kree
  
  Use \ to prevent the dashes from turning into lists. This:
  \-
  Ends up like this:
  
  Shel nak shak lotaur sha'ret.

Metaphysics is a blind man in a dark room trying to find a black cat that isn't there. Religion is the man shouting "I found it!" So yeah, none of it makes any sense.
- In my experience, metaphysics is more like being in a dark room that you are certain is empty, feeling a black cat run across your leg once, and then spending a lifetime trying to make it happen again.

Buddhism is several millennia old proto-therapy. I’ve found much wisdom in a variety of koans even though I’m not Buddhist. But if koans don’t work on you then yeah I bet they’re real annoying

Cheese and meat. Why even ask?

Reminds me of the time that a guy beat like 10,000 guys in a row then lost to Buddha. The fuck is that shit?

Idiot anon thinks Buddhist fuckery is aimed solely at white people lol