9mo ago

Can I Put it in my Ass?

This was a team effort.

123 comments

this is a quantum leap in the field of dildonics
- The biggest step forward since the invention of teledildonics
  
  Dare I say the biggest step forward since sliced dildos
  
  Rather a small step for microdildonics, though
  
  What's the biggest step backwards?

If I fill my ass with Helium, will my farts sound even funnier?
- If you use hydrogen it sounds funny and makes a great show when lighting the fart.
- You're looking at a billion view tiktok idea here! Also, huge missed opportunity by the Jackass crew.
  
  It will become the new Skibidi
- Literally yes. Then do nitrous oxide. And then sulphur hexaflouride.
  
  Brrrraaaappp
- And -checks diagram- you will receive a Nobel price, I think.
  
  With *solid Helium

Owe, my ass
What do you owe your ass (other than an apology)?
- I thought it was just a typo on the chart, but then OP used it in a comment here as well.
  
  It's the title of the category!
  Edit: Not anymore :(
- More like pain rather than an apology.

You know magnesium can ignite with exposure to moisture yes?
- I'll need to see a video of it igniting without an oxygen providing intermediary - haven't been able to find one.
  
  So ok if you don't fart/queef?
- Damn it stop giving em more kinks

make nickel yellow (some people are allergic) osmium will be probably covered by layer of toxic tetroxide, cadmium and tellurium are also decently toxic
e: i misremembered, but you still don't want to be around tellurium:
Humans exposed to as little as 0.01 mg/m3 or less in air exude a foul garlic-like odor known as "tellurium breath".[23][91] This is caused by the body converting tellurium from any oxidation state to dimethyl telluride, (CH3)2Te, a volatile compound with a pungent garlic-like smell. Volunteers given 15 mg of tellurium still had this characteristic smell on their breath eight months later. In laboratories, this odor makes it possible to discern which scientists are responsible for tellurium chemistry, and even which books they have handled in the past.[92]
selenium is a bit similar in this aspect
- What the fuck
- why is cerium yellow but other lantanides green, technetium is cheaper than you think (fission product) but it's also radioactive
  plutonium and americium, and maybe uranium also should be blue, CIA would anal probe you for less
  
  You're right, wikipedia prices are way outdated. Unenriched isotopes aren't blue 'cause I'm assuming they'd let you live.
  Edit: I couldn't find the reason for that, someone just told me to make it yellow. Back to green it goes.

I'd love to see the reasoning for each element. Most of them are obvious but I'm curious about some of them.
Are all the gasses dangerous because they'd have to be frozen to a solid? You could use them to pressurize a dildo-shaped envelope, though.
- That's great! because a surprising amount of research was done (way more than anticipated). You will learn some crazy things by studying this. All elements are in solid form at STP so for the gasses that's in the range of -200 C. Someone suggested doing a version with liquid and gas enemas but you know? I'm just not that dedicated (yet)
  
  My first thought was "why is nitrogen dangerous?" but I was thinking about it at room temperature or around 20C.
  I know about decompression sickness (the bends) but I wouldn't expect that to be a problem at 1 atmosphere. Then I stumbled upon isobaric counterdiffusion and I wondered if that could happen from pumping any pure gas into the rectum at atmospheric pressure, since it'd be at a higher partial pressure than any gas in the tissue.
  
  How, uh dedicated are you?
  It’s for science, so someone has to do it,
  
  Why not iodine?
- Here's some interesting ones that I don't think anyone's asked yet so far
  The two CIA ones? Only elements with an unenriched isotope that can reach critical mass (and don't instantly disappear). You'd need only a few dildos to make a nuclear bomb. The anal probe and CIA disappearing is literal.
  Borat is in this diagram
  Starting with Potassium the Alkalis become basically explosive to water and get progressively more reactive. If you haven't covered it yet this is because their valence shells get weaker the heavier you go.
  Hydrogen and Helium so far basically cannot exist in solid form at STP in any appreciable amount.
  
  IMO, I'd count plutonium in the anal probe category. Enriched or not, it's gonna raise tons of red flags.
  Buying that much uranium would probably just get your house raided by the FBI. If you told them what you were planning on doing with it, they might find it funny enough not to indict you but they probably wouldn't let you keep it.
  
  calcium, strontium and barium are also pretty reactive with water, and at any rate beyond hydrogen the other product (metal hydroxide) is corrosive

Suggested update, Silicon is a picture of Obi-Wan saying “That’s why I’m here”
- Updated
  
  Chad behaviour
- Silicon isn't the same thing as silicone 🤣
- I'm not sure I get the joke? Obi-Wan gives that line on the planet Kamino... what is the connection to Silicon?

I cannot believe just how much time I spent looking at this .. for .. science.

This assumes the dildo must be solid. I think as scientists we need to think outside the box (and ass)
- Indeed. So if we go with every element at STP it's pretty boring. All the gasses just become green except flourine and there's some minute changes. I felt this way was more interesting and would get people asking more questions.
  
  All gasses except Flourine become green?
  \ You must have really Chad mucus membranes to deal with Chlorine and Bromine.

It's not called ARSEnic for nothing

Please make sure they're flared!
- Instructions unclear. Magnesium is now burning my ass.

Please always ensure whatever element you use has a stable base larger than the insertion point

Damn imagine putting mercury up there. I don't think your sphincter could hold it
- If the dildo were chilled to -40°...
  
  But then your body heat would slowly melt it and lube yourself with heavy poison
- hey it says "in" not "up". Just gotta lay down or maybe go inverted.

Missing a few more "hello there"s, unless this is what floats your boat:

(Human for scale)

This should definitely be its own website. High-res when? 😋
- "Can I Put it in my Ass?" 8K AI UPSCALED (from jpeg)
  
  Simon@lemmy.dbzer0.com is the best of us. The best of our best, the best that each of us will ever build or ever love. So pray for this Guardian of our growth and choose him well, for if he be not truly blessed, then our designs are surely frivolous and our future but a tragic waste of hope. Bless our best and adore for he doth bear our measure to the Cosmos.
- Never because this is the resolution paint.net shat this abomination out at.

So... you're saying it's okay to put uranium in my ass but not oxygen ??
- Let's see your oxygen dildo 🤔
  
  Already wearing it but you can't see it
- Don't think it's limited to oxygen.

If it glows, it goes. (Up my ass)

Uranium is fine, but oxygen is going too far, got it
- Natural (unenriched) uranium isn't especially radioactive and while there is plenty of exciting chemistry that could happen, none of it would be quite as immediately exciting as what would happen if you tried to freeze oxygen solid enough to make a dildo
  
  Uranium will give you heavy metal poisoning worse than lead, however
  
  enriched uranium is also not particularly radioactive, only as a spent fuel is becomes spicy

Those lanthanides... are we not terming a lethal radiation dose as rectal damage?? Or are you assuming an ideal isotope?
- I think the whole lanthanide row could use a review by an "expert". Sparse information on relative toxicity and relative radiated energy and immediate effects on mucus membranes. Someone still in school ask their prof and show them this diagram.
- Right. Most stable isotope. Note that the green still says 'probably'... all bets are off.
  I know it's totally not obvious but Rektal damage was meme for "you would probably die". Pretty sure 90% of these cause rectal damage.

Silicon is not silicone, so that spot is not correct...
Unless you're talking about using one of these fuckers:
https://www.powerwaywafer.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/07/silicon-crystal.jpg

The answer to all is "yes, but watch out."
- You can do anything once.
- Brave

Galium should be fine as long as it's below body temperature.
- The only reason it's red actually is because of burns and irritation to mucus membranes. It's far less dangerous than most. So yellow would probably make more sense.

The most consequential update to the Periodic Table since its creation.

Arsenic is maybe not?
- Pain must be relatively immediate to qualify for owe, my ass. Some of the yellow ones are insidious killers indeed.
  Edit: I'm making the distinction that I'll make ones that cause relatively guaranteed death purple.
  
  I think you mean "ow." The word "owe" has a different meaning, not related to pain.
- Eh, you'll shit it back out

I don't know. Isn't Tungsten kinda brittle?
- If it's resilient enough to survive hitting a toilet from three stories up, it's probably safe to put up your butt.
  
  The seller's website does mention it's an alloy: https://shop.tungsten.com/tungsten-cube/
  They don't say exactly which alloy but according to this page it's going to be 90-95% tungsten with the rest being nickel and either iron or copper: https://www.tungsten.com/material-info/tungsten-heavy-alloy-w-ni-fe-cu
- The assumption is that all elements are in solid form at STP and crumbly/unwieldly elements have a suitable binding agent. Or you know, determination I guess?
  
  Would a 90%+ Tungsten alloy count? (See other reply for context)
- it's solid enough to make APFSDS out of it, it'll be fine