1y ago

What's your favorite piece of bullshit advice?

If you swallow appleseed(s)

Smoke some cigarettes. The smoke will suffocate the bacteria

—Mac

97 comments

"Respect your elders"
Nah they're the ones who destroyed the economy giving free rein to corporations, set the planet on fire, and let cops run loose murdering and stealing as they please, fuck them
- That is because society on all levels deserves it. We need to stop with the expectation that people in certain jobs or positions deserve respect just because of their job or position. They only deserve respect if they earn it.
  If they don't earn respect, fuck em.
  
  It actually DOES bode well for the future.
  The Boomers lived by "Fuck the future, I got mine now."
  We're trying to change it to "Fuck the past, we ain't got shit."
- Fixed, thank you!
- I feel like this is going to have [excellent] synergy with my boundary posts :)
"You've got to love him -- he's your brother, after all."
Yeah, he's my brother who would get angry and destroy all my things when we were young, my brother who sexually abused my youngest sibling, my brother who launched into a homophobic rant against my mom during a time when she had cancer, a brother who cheated on and verbally and physically abused his first wife, a brother who probably drove my nephew to suicide.
No, fuck him. I don't love him, and I never will.
- Yeah I'd say that's got to be triggering to hear. How do you respond to "advice" like that normally? Assuming it's from someone who actually knows your brother.
  
  I never have any response that's likely to be edifying or helpful, so I typically respond with, "Well, I don't," and try to disengage. That's usually enough.
“Walk it off”
— coach
No, my torn ligaments need to rest and heal, asshole, not to endure further trauma. Get me some ice!
- Puttin' it on ice, bitches
- Take a salt tablet.
"If you were just more positive you'd not be complaining about being depressed all the time".
And/or
"Have you tried just being happy for once?"
- Aka fake it til you make it
  
  I don't know, this one has pretty much carried me through the last 40 years. There's definitely worse advice.
  
  Putting in my unasked for opinion that we should popularize 'flail it til you nail it'
Anything regarding loyalty to an employer or insurance company
Hard work always pays off.
- smart work always pays off
  ;) ftfy
  
  Being born wealthy always pays off.
"Undercover Cops have to tell you if they're a cop," or other variations I remember hearing all throughout high school.
Somehow though, organized crime hasn't figured out this one simple trick to ferreting out undercover cops in their midst, just ask them.
Also: "Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die."
- that second one seems way outta left field to me, what kinda contexts is that used in?
  
  Vaginas
  
  It was from an episode of South Park:
  https://youtu.be/ZTuzDt-dGxA?si=QO4zlPuue0QHp3c0
- Its the Criminal Bro Code
"Calm down."
- One thing that's sure to make things worse is to tell an angry person to "calm down"...
- And the silly stepsister of this saying: Calm your tits!
  Very useful when you want the opposite reaction.
- 4/7/8 breathing is better advice :)
  also Physiological sigh
  
  It's that like "in, hold, out"?
- SIR?!
YOLO
It's like a mantra for bad decision making. But it should really be used the opposite way. Like... I better put my seat belt on because YOLO.
- Your comment reminded me of this https://youtu.be/z5Otla5157c
"Don't believe everything you read on the internet"
Benjamin Franklin
- I thought Wayne Gretsky said that...🤔
  
  "Nope, it was Franklin" -Abraham Lincoln
If something bad happens, just try to forget it. You'll feel better!
Burn your garbage. Burning garbage makes smoke that goes up into the sky and becomes stars.
- I wanna say its wrong but I don't know enough about star formation to dispute it?!
  
  Really, EVERYTHING originated from star dust, so you're just returning it to the source!
- Smoking cigarettes will suffocate the toxins in the apple skins sitting in your stomach.
  
  *bacteria
If I pick up something that is too heavy my uterus will fall out.
- Related query: Is there such thing as vaginal prolapse?
  Also: are you Dwight Schrute lol?
  
  Yes, there is such a thing as a vaginal prolapse but... That thing is really hooked in there! And no I am not Dwight.
  
  https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/vaginal-prolapse
  
  This happened too a stray kitten I found years ago. She had gotten pregnant and this happened. We had to put her down.
- Do what you love for a job and you'll turn what you want to do into what you have to do.
- It's so simple. Why didn't I think of that before!
  /S
- do what you love and you will never ~~work a day~~ love anything in your life
- The moment you depend on it to not live on the streets, then you don't love it anymore.
if you ask a police officer for a piece of candy then legally they have to give you one
- Fax
"Snitches get stitches."
How do you expect conflict resolution to work?
- With stitches..
- Or end up in ditches.
  
  In ur Abercrombie &Fitchez
"Count your blessings."
Useless fucking platitude that's synonymous with "You aren't the person who is absolutely the worst off, so being upset with your lot is inappropriate."
See also "At least you have your health."
Don't try to bullshit me, I'm a bullshit artist.
- If I ever told my dad, "are you shitting me?", he'd reply with, "I'd never shit you, you're my favorite turd."
  
  Lol love that one. My uncle was the one that used the Bullshit line on me
My company switched up retirement plans and they held a seminar to explain them. The person running the seminar said that we should be putting 15% of our salaries into retirement.
Nice idea, but if I put 15% of my salary into retirement, then I wouldn't be able to pay my bills. I'm not living extravagantly or anything (buying something for $20 for my enjoyment seems like a splurge to me). Still, whenever I seem to be getting on a better financial footing, life throws me a curve ball. Need new hearing aids ($3,600). New a new dryer ($750). Might need a new car soon.
So either I need to be paid a lot more, I will be working until I'm 90, or I put away the money and go deep into debt but can retire. (Just kidding. I'm nearing 50. I likely won't have enough to retire. Maybe when I'm 80.)
- Better start working our way to a cushy desk job so we have somewhere comfortable to die.
I think a lot of people here misread 'favorite' as 'least favorite'
"Your ____ hurts? Stub your toe then you won't notice it as much."
- This has the same cadence as my appleseeds one 🙃
If you cut the ground prong off and flip the plug upside down, it runs backwards.
- Skillz that killz ☠️
No cop, no stop.
- I honestly don't think little kids understand what people mean when they say "be careful". When my kids were younger, I'd say something like "be careful the sidewalk is icy!" and they'd just run full speed and slip on the ice.
  I think kids just think "be careful" is just something nice you say like "good luck".
Snorting nose drugs are good for your sinuses
- Luv me some nose clams
- Actually I've had a bad case of covid for like 4 days now and haven't been able to breathe out of my nose. While not technically nose drugs, I took one of my wife's Adderall and like magic I'm breathing through my nose again. Still feel terrible and can't sleep now but I'm no longer a mouth breather. I couldn't sleep last night because my mouth would dry out every 5 minutes so bad I'd have to take a drink of water every few minutes then pee.
  
  Amphetamine used to be used exactly for this, its why Sudafed or gtfo when it comes to blocked nose
The Toronto horse cops carried around trading cards for their horses as a part of a PR campaign. Ask a cop for one!
Just another way for you to be disappointed by the police. Can't even do PR right.
don’t trust anyone whose food come from box
- I feel slighted 🤣

97 comments