Does your tendency match how you make your coffee, comrades?

I don’t drink coffee, where does that put me?

Where's the option for tea?

That's monarchism
- or worse, colonialism
You're specifically the British or English local party of whatever your tendency is, then. Tendency probably depends on whether you use individual mugs or a teapot, how you heat the water, and whether you use teabags or looseleaf, and if looseleaf, the exact way that you put it into the water and remove it from the steeped tea.
(Or, you're a modern Chinese commie, see the pics of Xi with two teacups in front of him. But I like the British party branch joke better. Took me longer to write.)

Where is the option for 5 energy drinks and heart palpitations?

Welcome to the situationist international.
Oh no, that's anarcho-capitalist, you've come to the wrong club.

Where's the option for two scoops of shitty processed instant coffee? Black.

Instant coffee equal parts sugar and water, whipped into a thick foam and served into a hot liquid with powdered non dairy cream. So, prison abolitionist.

Real marxists dump coffee grounds into their mouth, grind them to fine dust using their bare teeth(trained using capital), and then pouring the hot water into their mouth, boiled from a white maoist anger. They then let the mixture sit for exactly 10 paragraphs of theory reading and spewing it out, drink from a cup they stole from a liberal

exactly 10 paragraphs of theory reading
I'd probably have to up that to properly time a cup of coffee... my mum says I read too fast.

Half of this stuff is burgerland crimes against humanity that in any sane country wouldn’t even be considered methods of coffee preparation

burgerland crimes against humanity is when percolation
- Guys, don't drink that coffee! There's a fish in the percolator!
- Burger particles detected
You should see how Americans make tea. It's even worse.
- I know it involves microwaves and that's all I can bear to remember

I wake up every morning with a cool glass of water, poured over the unquenchable insurrectionary fire in my belly.

this creates the steam which billows from my ears as I read the morning's emails from management.

No fellow hoxhaists?

My cat, Leon Trotsky, knocked by French Press off the counter, so I'm back to instant.
I do love f**** press

I have a normal drip coffee machine (ML) but it's a goofy one with an internal karaffe so it looks like a keurig (Trot)

Feel free to invent a new tendency

Feel free to invent a new tendency
Like the Trots keep doing? (Party splits)
Or... Trot pretending to be a proper ML... I've run into a few of those. Most Trots are proud of being Trots (they shouldn't be, but at least it makes 'em easy to spot and ignore), but there's a few weirdos out there...
sounds Marcyite to me

The moka pot being leftcom is very accurate considering how many insufferable leftcoms there are in Italy.

i guess i gotta up my bunker building

How you doin fellow liberals

What even are all these bougie contraptions

Drip machine, espresso machine, star trek replicator, v60, chemex, moka pot, Nespresso machine, French press. There's a billion ways to extract coffee (beverage) from coffee (bean) and this is some of the more popular ones, plus replicators which I imagine skip the extraction step.

I would defend my good friend Mr Coffee to the death. I also whisper secrets to it in the middle of the night, just in case the CPC truly is spying on me through it's hot plate.

You should read the Communist Coffee Maker story on NotAlwaysRight. I also seem to remember another story I saw online where clueless Americans accused the CPC of spying on them through cheap coffee machines made in China... like a good 90% of cheap consumer crap on Turtle Island. It's not just coffee machines! It's all bloody made in China! But they're not worried about any other consumer goods spying on them...

What would an aeropress be?

Liberal
- Never. The espresso machine is already liberal + it's a huge mechanism that actually only trickles down to a tiny few, carefully proportioned.

laughs maniacally in instant coffee

They had a sale on Beanie's at the HomeGoods
How could I say no to coffee that tastes like smores?
You're the People's Republic of Walmart.

What if I make my coffee in an offbrand Keurig-style pod brewer, but instead of buying pods, I use refillable pod inserts?

It's got to be something weird. Wait, goddamnit, am I Juche?

Deep inside I knew I was a filthy

Where does energy drinks and caffeine pills come in?

Lone wolf adventurist
Tankie. Chocolate coat you caffeine pills and you are a nazi though so be careful
- Horseshoe theory, lol!

Instant is never on these, that must make me a lib

Cheap Instant coffee

Damn I suppose it does. I have the cheapest $10 drip coffee machine I’ve been using since Covid.

mmmmmm chemex

I got this dope little appliance that makes espresso. You add whole beans to a hopper, and water to a tank. Every 6 shots or so you empty the 'pucks'. Otherwise you just push a button. I don't drink much coffee, but I love espresso drinks, and I'm lazy.

Super-automatic, I think the category is called.

I stopped drinking coffee after decades of ml coffeemaker-life, because my stomach can't take it anymore. Ngl the wastefullness of it always annoyed me so I would microwave the old coffee or drink it when it had burnt in the pan for hours.

Maybe my destroyed gi system is the enlightenment that comes to those who occupationally keep themselves awake with pots of coffee.

Funny enough, I did used to be a V60 person, and I did used to be an anarchist, haha. Though I'm ML now and there are no lever/manual espresso machines listed up there, so it doesn't match anymore. Looks like the aeropress is also missing, that's another big one.

I use percolators, I have been outed as a leftcom

they're really good for when you want to make a ton of coffee

Obama-Maoist

Wannabe Posadist, but I'm waiting for the aliens.

I use an aeropress or make my own cold brew, what does that make me?

Aeropresses are libsoc and cold brew is primitivist

Assuming the posadist option is a superautomatic machine then I'm anarchoposadist then

Looks like a replicator from star trek to me.
- Ah, so I'm an anarchotrotskyist then

I use a drip coffee maker. I guess I'm a real communist after all despite being an asocial shut in who rarely goes outside.

What tendency is it when you take the loose coffee and put it in a pot with some water then cook it and filter it out with a wire mesh

3-in-1 Filipino instant coffee single use satchels on the rare occasions I want coffee

Otherwise my caffeine needs are met with energy drinks, caffeine pills, and pre-workout

Tendency is it for when you just let the coffee settle down to the bottom and drink it like that.

Coffee is for the bourgeoisie

Actually, there's probably some interesting commentary to be made on modern workplace coffee culture being created and encouraged by the bourgeoisie to squeeze more productivity out of the proletariat...
But I'd rather bash the Trots for how they make their coffee, than do actual Marxist analysis of the ways the working class uses caffeine.
- totally, also there was no prison (instant) coffee on this list

I do in fact use a drip cup, except I do it into a large measuring cup in order to make two cups of coffee at once. Perhaps I'm a new specie