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  • I'm at the point even my anger and sadness got bored and fucked off and I just don't really feel or think at all.

    And that's what's fucking scary to me.

    Being desperate and sicker was worse physically and exhausting, but at least I believed in something. Now I just don't fucking care.

  • I must be high, cuz I read that as "...how high are you right now?"

  • During Covid, I picked up the guitar again, having given it up decades ago. I didnt expect to play gigs or anything, I just wanted to use the quarantine opportunity to do something positive, and I chose music, over writing a book, learning a language, etc.

    Almost five years later, my guitar playing has gotten pretty good, upper intermediate level, and I am good enough to entertain myself, which is all I ever wanted.

    What I hadn't expected was how much of an improvement it would make on my mental health. After being energized by my improving skills, I realized that my mood and self-esteem and confidence were significantly elevated. I am proud of my progress, even if nobody else hears it.

    I also realized that I think I've been operating under a low-grade depression for a long time, perhaps my entire life. I've never addressed it because I thought that was just what life felt like. Once I had a closer look at how much better I could feel, i realized that I haven't felt "right" for a long time, maybe never. I'm still not sure I know what "right" really feels like.

    Now that America has officially gone to Hell, I'm extremely worried about the future (I have a history degree, and am very knowledgeable about politics and history, and know where all of this is leading), but daily, sometimes hourly, doses of music are helping me cope.

    • Yeah I relate a lot with you on that. But I never managed to actually keep at it. I've tried 5 times to pick up the guitar again after giving it up, and always failed.

      That didn't really improve my mental health and self-esteem, ngl. So yeah, all props to you!

      • Yeah, I get it, guitar is a really hard instrument. I wasn't starting from scratch during Covid. I was a professional musician as a teen, playing other instruments, and picked up the basics of guitar. I put it aside when I went to college for music history, and then spent many years in the classical music biz.

        So I have a very strong music background to draw from. When I picked it up again, it felt like Id never held a guitar before, but I still rembered the chord shapes, and I still had a good grip of music theory. I also have enough musical experience coaching professional musicians that I didn't need a teacher, I knew what I needed to do to learn this.

        On top of all that, the best teachers in the world are on YouTube, so anything I couldn't figure out on my own, I had plenty of resources to consult.

        Despite all of that, the real key was establishing a solid daily practice routine, something I couldn't do when I was young, in school, working in a record store, partying with friends, and chasing girls. Here's what I tell new players about practice:

        Put your guitar on a stand next to your bed, so it's the first and last thing you see every day. Play it for about 20 minutes when you first get up, and 20 minutes before going to bed. Then find another 20 minutes sometime during the day.

        That will give you 60 minutes per day of sharply focused practice. If you were to practice once a day for an hour, you'd be focused for the first 20 minutes, then your mind starts to wander for the additional 40 minutes. By breaking it up, every minute is focused practice, and you'll progress much faster. It also gives your fingertips a chance to rest after 20 minutes.

        Also, if you miss a session, you only miss one, and you'll still get 2 others that day. If you only do one long session per day, and you miss it, you miss an entire day of practice, not just 1/3.

        If all you do is practice once a day, then you really only get one serious 20 minute practice block each day. So if you do three twenty minute sessions a day, its like jamming 3 days of practice in a single day. At the end of a week, you've had 21 days of practice instead of 7. Obviously, your progress will be much, much faster.

        So give it a sixth try, but use my practice regimen, and hopefully it will stick this time. Good luck!

    • I did the same with guitar. Stopped playing nearly 20 years ago and picked up again during Covid. Probably one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. It gives me an outlet I didn’t have before, and I’ve put so much into it with practice and lessons that I’m better than I’d ever have thought I’d be.

      Like you, I know enough to entertain myself and that’s perfect. Sometimes I’ll just pick it up and play along with new songs I hear and it still surprises me when I can do that well.

  • Am adhd and autistic, so i never had a lot of friends, but i kind of learned to keep going with it.

    Right now, i am very tired, but also hopeful because all my essay writing training is starting to show up.

    My dreams, such as writing novels and creating an entire video game about my personal universe, seem to be more and more feasible on reality.

    Also, my social training allowed me to meet some very nice persons, not in social standarts, but genuinely for me.

    So I am as always lonely, tired and silent, but the world seem always to show more and more colours to me, which is nice.

    (also maybe just because i stopped drinking the social media crap and the worldnews junk food, but hey, it’s what gives us the most anxiety for no reason, so why bother)

  • Discovered my young daughter is self harming so really not great at the moment.

    • When I was 13, my parents discovered that my younger sister was self harming and even wrote a suicide note (and that she might be closetedly lesbian). All they did was yell at her, berate her, force her to cut up the note and blame social media. Somehow at that age I was more mature than two adults who decided to fucking have children. Though thats the average in arabia I guess..

      Please don't be mad at her, instead help and show that you love and care for her.

    • That's a really helpless situation to be in. She's your daughter, she's someone whose safety is hugely important to you, and she's hurting herself so badly. How are you going to try and handle it?

      • I think we have gone through all the emotions this past week! Speaking to people it seems like we caught it early on compared to others but it is still terrifying.

  • Tired, anxious, depressed, feel like shit in general. Declined an invitation to play boardgames with some old friends this weekend because I feel tired and anxious and depressed and overwhelmed and now I have more anxiety and guilt because I feel like I should have gone and I will further lose contact with them over this and they will hate me now.

  • Not OK. Did not sleep well, again. Anxiety and frustrations work-related which will impact my home life. I need to rest.

    • Not sleeping is hard, you need that to function. How's your sleep hygiene ?

      • Terrible. A lot of my sleep issues can be traced to my work schedule, which is something I'm trying to improve but my boss is actively working to make worse for me.

        When anxiety hits, as it does with unresolved conflict, the negative effects compound exponentially. I can't fix the root cause right now: I work too late for my well being and I can't fix that with an incompetent authoritarian at the helm.

  • Really not great. Can't motivate myself to keep studying, gotta find a new job because my contract won't be extended. My boss, who kept telling me everything was good and I did a good job, not only not extended my contract but also wrote me a rather bad recommendation letter. Just told me in a meeting all the "problems" he had with me that haven't been mentioned in any of the previous meetings. Just feel like shit and would rather never work again and spend my life watching TV shows...

    Oh, and don't forget that the AfD is getting stronger and stronger and will fuck over my trans best friend and my husband, who wasn't born in Germany and has dual citizenship.

    • Remind yourself as often as necessary: that's entirely your boss's fault. Nobody is perfect hence I know you made mistakes, you human you, but telling you one set of things to your face while spreading the opposite things to others is just such a dick move.

      You have some kind of worth, so don't let your boss gaslight you into believing that crap that he spouted. Even if some portion of it were true, you obviously can't trust the source. Find a better source of judgement - yourself even if you have time to heal although it sounds like not, so someone else in the meantime.

      Touch grass, seriously, it will help - both the nature and the exercise part. TV has its place too, especially in healing, but you'll want more than that as you regain your confidence. The good news being that YOU are in control of that!:-)

      (I am no psychologist tho, just my personal thoughts)

  • Bad, thanks! But I'm focused on taking care of my mother's medically delicate cat while convincing a kitten to leave the door to the medically delicate cat alone.

  • Surviving but not thriving.

    It seems like every time we get a decent chunk of money, some kind of event occurs and strips it away. Last time it was a car repair, this time unexpected tuition. I’m thankful that we’re not going into debt, but damn.

    The promotion at work has come with a lot of added stress. I’m proud of the work I do and I think it’s worth it I think for now. But it has meant that I’ve had to pull back on some other goals and hobbies. For example, I haven’t touched the book that I want to write in over 6 months.

    Cycling has atrophied as well, but we’re moving again in 3 months, this time back to a place with more cycling events that I know, so I’m really going to try to get back into at least a Tuesday night ride. I used to love epic randonneuring adventures, and I wanted to get a few more in on the bucket list, but I’m starting to fear that my body is getting too old to take them on. I’m certainly feeling a sense of urgency. When you’re in your 20s and 30s it feels like you have all the time in the world, but it’s hit me lately just how scarce time is as a resource.

    My wife and I are starting to get to that age where the window to have a second kid is closing. I’m hopeful that it will happen this year, but then again, another baby will take away from those other goals as well.

    She’s also struggling because the job she had lined up after school this June was HHS funded, now that is in jeopardy. We’ve already bought a house in the new town too; so we’re paying rent and a mortgage at the moment. We can afford it on my salary and her internship but I feel it’s tighter than I have been since my early 20s.

    The overall situation of the world also weighs heavily on me. I try to do my part where I can. These things ebb and flow as they always have, so I try to remain hopeful. I’m encouraged by what is happening today. We must stay vigilant to take back our rights from those who strive to oppress us.

    I just got into therapy in October to help me deal with these things. I always had a stigma around therapy, ironically my wife is a therapist. Anywho, it was really worked for me. I am trying to realign my thinking so that I’m not always the victim, that the things we do and the intentions we set are FOR us and our future. I can certainly tell a marked difference between the weeks I can attend and the weeks I don’t. I’m hopeful here as well, but for now I’m surviving, not thriving.

88 comments