This toilet roll type I brought is so strong that you need to use maybe three squares at most.

Get a bidet attachment. Even at 3 squares per ‘visit’ it will eventually pay for itself. And saving money is very dull.
- A bidet is like a great mattress: when you finally get one, you wonder wtf took you so long.
  But unlike a great mattress, a bidet is simple and less than 50 bucks (Canadian even!)
  
  Taking a dump anywhere without a bidet just feels dirty.
- I realize this is very stupid, but I have some very weird psychological stuff going on when it comes to toilets, what goes into them, etc. And something about bidets really disgusts me. I realize there is absolutely nothing rational about that. It should be the exact opposite.
  
  Do your own thing! Was just a suggestion. I ignored them for years because “how weird is that” but once COVID forced my hand I was like “holy shit could’ve had one of these my whole life”!
  But I had a girlfriend who tried it hated it. So they aren’t everyone’s deal for sure.
- Second the bidet. We buy the cheap tp, but it's good enough to dry in just two swipes!
- Can you get a picture of a sleeping puppy on your bidet?
  
  Nope. Utterly impossible.
  
  I'd feel especially sorry for what the inanimate sleeping puppy would have to experience.
- So you didn't dry off?
  
  Of course I do, but you don’t need the luxury carbon fiber quintuple-ply for that!
- I have been trying to talk my wife into getting one for ages. Anyone have a good argument I should try next time?
  
  My favorite glib argument in favor of bidets is "When you get poop on you, do you wipe it off or wash?"
  Honestly though they're cheap, easy to install, feel great (clean), and save money. And if she doesn't want to use it she doesn't have to.
  Plus you get the joy of hearing the yelp from unexpected cold water on the anuses of your guests when they try it for the first time.
  Luxe bidet is the brand I use, nothing fancy to the model I use at all. (Clearly as it's not even warm water.)
  
  Just get one, put it on and use it yourself, you can get one that spins on the supply line and hangs off the side of the tank for like $40. Once you've started washing your asshole instead of suffering with TP and a constantly dirty chocolate starfish, you'll never go back. She might use it and realize the same.
  
  Why not just get one? I did and my wife is hesitant so she doesn't use it but me having and using it doesn't affect her at all. I think it was only $30 or $40 on Amazon.
  Edit: saw your reply about sharing the bathroom with young kids and yes that could easily be an issue.

You're a fucking 10-ply, bud!
- At minimum!

I use a bidet, then two sets of two squares. First one to get most of the water, the second to clean the crevice. Then, I keep a bunch of white cotton 9"x9" towels folded on top of the reservoir, and use one of those to do a final thorough clean + dry. Toss it in a slim laundry bin I keep in the bathroom just for this purpose. Works great. I honestly think I've stumbled upon the best method for washing ones rear.

Yep, it's great, isn't it? The koala brand is even better, imho.
You just have to deprogram people who mitten up.

One up, one down, one to polish
- Up up up the ziggurat, lickity split!

I can't imagine cleaning yourself with just dry sheets of paper. I wish bidets were available at public restrooms.

Tempo 5-ply is my favourite after extensive testing