Egg👩🏫irl
Egg👩🏫irl
For those harsh moments of lucidity that break through the armor and pierce your heart.
For me, the cute moments of playful experimentation couldn't quite penetrate my denial, but they did weaken it enough for the strong hits to make it through. I would quickly try to block and repair as best I could, but the structure was compromised and couldn't hold like before. All these hits came from myself; from actually considering that I could be trans
damn...
😭
When I was a teenager still I was buying women's clothes, trying to arrange a girl's night with a female friend of mine, had picked and used a feminine name, and even painfully explained to my boss at the time (who insisted I was a gay man) that I wasn't a gay man but actually it was like I was a woman on the inside so I was maybe a gay woman. Never did the thought even cross my mind that I might be trans.
When the idea came up later that I might be trans, I ruled it out easily. Trans women knew they were girls when they were three years old, and they were in medically significant distress from being in the wrong body. I had gone through childhood as a boy without any such self-conception as a girl, let alone severe distress. As far as I could tell, I experienced no dysphoria. I couldn't have been trans, the DSM made that clear to me.
It was over a decade later before I learned that gender dysphoria can look like what I experienced, or that I actually had fairly common and stereotypical trans experiences, like dressing in my mom's heels as a four year old and continuing to "cross" dress throughout my childhood and into adulthood. Oops.
I fully believed I was a cishet boy for my entire childhood. I never once considered that I could be, or even wanted to be a girl. I legit didn't know; the reveal was a total surprise 😰
ah, I remember wanting to be a girl growing up - but I thought I just (tragically, accidentally) wasn't a girl. Unlike "real" trans people, I didn't insist that I was a girl. When I was like 5 or 6 my family told me this story that a psychic consulted before my birth predicted I would be a girl, and I remember thinking the psychic was right in some deep sense, that I was supposed to be a girl, that the universe meant for me to be a girl and that there was just a mistake. I didn't know what to do with this information, I didn't think it mattered that I wanted these things - I thought they could be entirely normal and reasonable. I have no idea if I shared it with anyone, but I know my family would have not taken seriously such desires, especially from a young child. My favorite Disney movie at this time was The Little Mermaid, which I never thought was significant, but now I wonder if little boys enjoyed the princess movies as much as I did growing up.
My attempt to wear heels when I was four was met with literal threats of violence from my father, so I knew it was very bad to do. I also didn't know about "trans" as a concept growing up, the closest I had was Silence of the Lambs and Ace Ventura as examples, and in both cases it felt like those people were "trans" because they were evil. I didn't ever think that idea was connected to the feelings I had, wishing to be a girl wasn't related to "trans".
I grew up with sisters and I didn't like the way gender separated us - I wanted to be included, and for the longest time I assumed this is why I wanted to be a girl or felt I should have been, either because the cosmos demanded it (as the psychic knew), or because I wanted to be close to my sisters.
It was actually really hard for me to ever overcome this rationalization, that there are actually boys with sisters who don't want to be a girl or accepted as a girl so they can be closer with their sisters and female friends. This idea feels foreign or made up to me, like the assumption is that of course any boy in my situation would want to be a girl. My model of boyhood and masculinity is based on my own experiences, which has been difficult to re-think.
The only good gender reveal
Same for me, too. Although on reflection, certain things like practicing tucking to resemble female genitals, offering to present a school event in drag, and praying to wake up as a girl, may not have had entirely cis motivations.
I also assumed that my complete failure to fit in at an all-boys school was just due to being a nerdy kid.
It took me a while to understand this comic when I first saw it, but I get it now.
For the longest time I just dismissed the possibility of being trans, because obviously I wasn't. Would sure have been nice to have been born a girl, though...
Fortunately even the strongest denial eventually withers after hearing Actual Trans People talking about their experiences which were exactly like mine. Gee, funny that.
or maybe you were never allowed to think about any of that ever because your parents were abusive and you just wanted to be left in peace and now it's difficult to want anything except for life (aka the misery) to end? yeah me neither, no idea how that thought came to be
You can't live without the suffering, but you can live without the emptiness and hopelessness. You can escape misery, even if there is still pain.
i've found cracks recently
cracks very similar to these
a hefty dose of imposter syndrome, of how fucking DARE i cheapen the trans struggle i root for so many people through by even considering that i might be worthy of it. I can't be a girl! That would be so HARD and I am SO LAZY! Surely I'm just making it up, and if I ignore it, it'll go away, right?
...right?
and i worry that if i actually try to talk to my friends about it--EVEN the ones whom are trans themselves!!--they will try to "supportively" reassure me that i am cis
and the thought of that ... the thought of hearing them say that ... nauseates me.
...possibly almost more than the implications of my life being turned upside down. Or rather, acknowledging that it may in fact have been upside down all along and having to face the grueling, excruciating hardship of what it'd take to turn it right-side-up for the first time in my existence ._.
Ah yes, imposter syndrome over not only being a girl, but over being trans. I'd champion trans rights till the day I died, but I clearly didn't deserve to be more than an ally 🙄
exactly D: how the fuck is this even possible that i can root so hard for the people i love, assist them with transportation, research for paperwork, covering expenses, but when it crosses my mind that i find myself wishing that i could do for myself what i do for them ... i feel guilty???? what the fuck...
i feel like i'm out of line just writing this, questioning if what i'm feeling is legitimate even as my eyes are literally filling with tears as i type
You didn't have to stab me straight in the face like that.
Teehee (≧ω≦)
I am a person without financial and social capitals for transition, who therefore settled for as much gender non-conformity as socially allowed.
But thank you for asking 🥹
Oof. Regardless of how much you're able to do, you would still be considered what you wish you could be
I remember getting pissed that I didnt consider myself femine and wanted to be, also people around me wont let me be feminine
I hope you can surround yourself with more accepting people soon 😢
owch xP