JeSUS

This post comes up every so often, and every time either I, or someone else, reminds people that one of the Bible's biggest stories is that of Jesus washing Mary Magdalene's feet. Mary Magdalene was a "street walker" at the time, which is old times speak for hooker, thus making him a feet guy
- He washed all the disciples feet ;)
  Maybe it was like a Tarentino thing. You work with this guy for years and feet keep coming up so one day you ask him and he's like "yeah ok, I've got a foot thing but it's a personal thing" and you leave it at that but then you remember at the start of your career doing foot photos with him and you're too embarrassed to ask but you always wonder..
  
  No, washing feet was a common thing - they wore sandals or walked barefoot most of the time, it was a common hygiene practice. It was just a task for "submissive"-classed people - the wife would wash the husband's feet, and so on.
  Jesus was subverting social norms in multiple ways.

This is aphobic. Asexuals are human too.

Well there are several stories in the Bible about Jesus riding an ass, but none about Jesus riding boobs. So I think it's safe to say Jesus was an ass man.

- He did carry around some pretty large wood.

Long hair, glamorous face, skinny ripped body? Jesus was a twink.
- Not Korean Jesus. He's swole af. Turns water into pre-workout.

As the WORD of God he's the source of Proverbs and Song of Solomon so....
Her: Dark am I, yet lovely, because I am darkened by the sun - Song of Solomon 1
so.. tanned
works with eager hands... her arms are strong for her tasks - Proverbs 31
... toned forearms ..
Her: Like an apple[c] tree among the trees of the forest is my beloved among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste - Song of Solomon 2
... not opposed to oblique references to pre-marital fellatio ...
Her: strengthen me with raisins
... .... ... nutrition aware(?) ...
Her: I am ... a lily of the valley .... My beloved ... browses among the lilies
... not opposed to oblique references to pre-marital cunnilingus ... (see also 4:16)
Him: Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are doves. Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from the hills of Gilead. 2 Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing. Each has its twin; not one of them is alone. 3 Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon; your mouth is lovely - Song of Solomon 4
... mysterious eyes ... flowing hair ... no missing teeth (lol) ... red lips ...
Him: Your breasts are like two fawns
... young(?), pert, nimble breasts ...
Him: You are a garden fountain, a well of flowing water
... looks at camera ...
Her: Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread everywhere
... ... my bro was definitely into some sensory stuff ...
Her: My beloved thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him. I arose to open for my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with flowing myrrh, on the handles of the bolt. - Song of Solomon 5
(authors of erotic lit take note, this is your lord and god speaking)
Him: I went down to the grove of nut trees to look at the new growth in the valley, to see if the vines had budded or the pomegranates were in bloom. - Song of Solomon 6
... so .. pubescent? hey, could be worse ...
Him: Your graceful legs are like jewels - Song of Solomon 7
... legs guy! ...
Him: Your breasts are like two fawns
... breasts again! ...
Him: your breasts like clusters of fruit
... breasts mention number 3 ...
Him: May your breasts be like clusters of grapes on the vine
... #4 ....
breasts ... like towers - Song of Solomon 8
... #5 ...
I think you can draw your own conclusions.
Thank you for coming to my TED talk
- By my very fundamentalist upbringing, this was all supposedly a metaphor for God's love of the nation of Israel. Which is exactly the sort of "reading between the lines" that they said you weren't supposed to do.
  It's not that complicated. Solomon was horny, someone a long time ago decided his hornyness should be canon, and now biblical literalists have to deal with it and don't know how.
  no missing teeth (lol)
  More remarkable than you think without modern dental care.

He was homosexual based on all his male buddies he liked to have dinner with. So, definitely an ass lover.