2y ago

GF and me broke up after 7 years of relationship

Hello, this is gonna be a long one.

My Gf and I broke up over our long term goals in our life. I grew up on a kinda farm and always told her that I see my future on the farm (not working as a farmer, but its the place I grew up on and it was always my plan to live there). I told her really early on, like 6 1/2 years ago, while she was never as exited for it as me, it never seemed to be a problem for her, she rides horse for a hobby and we had often talked about how we someday have the horse standing on the farm and maybe keep some chickens. My Gf was 19 when we got together (I was the only Partner she had in her adult live) and I was 23 when we got together, now she is 26 and I am 30.

Fast forward to like 6 months ago, we start to make plans for the house (we have to tear one down so we can build a new one). She starts to worry about how, now that it comes closer and closer, doesnt want to live on that farm.

3 Weeks ago she told me she cant imagine herself to be happy on the farm, I dont want to leave the farm behind, we couldnt find a compromise and broke up. We lived in a small apartment in a city. I decide to live at my parents on the farm and she keeps the apartment. We decide we want to try and stay friends, since theres no problem between us, only our life goals ( she dont really know what she wants in her future) I help her numerous times in the apartment, sell her my car for a very moderate price (condition was she does all the paperwork so I have time to move in with all my stuff at my parents but I do a last service on the car, because im a car mechanic, she offered to pay me but I declined). That all was 3 to 2 weeks ago. One week ago I hear rumors that she has a new guy, but you get easily paranoid about that stuff after a breakup, so I wait, but more and more details emerge.

Yesterday I confronted her, she admits everything, we both stay pretty calm but cry a lot, she says that this was a giant mistake, she swears there was nothing goin on when we were still together and I believe her on that.

Yesterday evening we wrote another, I wrote her how much she hurt me by hooking up with another guy after 2 weeks whe I tried to help her with the apartment and car and that I cannot see her again because Istill have feelings for her. She wrote me that she understands she fucked up big time and hates herself for hurting me but still loves me, how I always was her best friend and perfect partner for her and that she understands how dissapointed I am and that it was probably the bigges error she ever did.

Today in the morning she calls and asks if we can meet up and talk and I accept that. We talk and we finally talk about why we broke up in the first place, and both understand that we both misunderstood ourself in a lot of ways about living on the farm.

Now I would have easily taken her back if it was just that, but she slept with that guy only 2 weeks after we broke up and that really really hurt. I know she was hurt and desperate and confused about what she wanted, but damn, 2 weeks after 7 years relationship! You are an adult and your actions have consequences.

Some hours ago she asked if we can talk again on Monday, I said "Yes, we can, but you have to end whatever it is you have with that new guy, but even then, I dont know if I can forgive you"

What are you opinions here? I know I still have feelings for her, and I know she has feelings for me, but what she did was really shitty, especially when I helped her and behind my back she was probably already fucking her new guy.

I really dont know what to do, I mean, in my heart I want her back, but my brain remembers what she did to me.

22 comments

You are an adult and your actions have consequences.
My man. You don't realize that the consequences of you two breaking up means you two are no longer committed. You may be in denial of it, but you two were single from that point moving forward. Neither of you owed each other anything romantically and you are now on your own separate paths. There's no taking her back. You've already expressed your incompatible life goals. It's time to move on and get back in the dating game. It's hard and this may not be your last heartbreak.

You won't start healing until you make a clean break. Stop talking to her. Stop meeting up. Just stop.
Of course you still have feelings and want her back. It hasn't been enough time to process and grieve the end of your relationship. You can't just jump from a 7 year relationship to friendship with the snap of your fingers. Give it 6 months to a year before you start talking. Maybe even longer.

You were broken up. She was within every rights.
And even if she weren't, in your eyes, she did what every one of us does in this situation : attempt to change your mind off a difficult time. Some of us work themselves to death, other drown in alcohol, many turn to religion while one can also try to engage in physical contact, all just to fill a void.
It was a hookup. It happens. Now if you think she is "soiled" because of this, or whatever you seem to imply, look inside of you and find out what's reaaly bothering you.
If you can't forgive her for something she was in every right to do, then just move on and stop the wound from oozing pus and making both of you bitter.
And that's personal but... grow up. Your life does not need to end where it began. Move elsewhere, even if the project remains the same. Fond some compromise or you're gonna lose her again.

I totally understand that it hurts that after seven years she hooked up with somebody else so soon - but you guys are not together any more. You can't say "you are an adult and your actions have consequences" and then bemoan her acting like a single adult and doing what she wants.
Sorry dude but you guys are over. If you wanna get back together, then do. If not, then don't. It hurts for sure but what're you gonna do? Sit around sad that a woman you're not dating isn't fucking you?

You aren't together anymore. You are basically just alut shaming her because it's making you hurt. There's nothing wrong with some rebound sex if she wants that.

Why is it that her actions of sleeping with someone while you were broken up are on her and have consequences, but your actions of breaking up with her aren't on you and don't have consequences?
You guys broke up. The consequences of that are that you're no longer together, no longer committed to each other and how long you were together before that is completely and utterly irrelevant.
If you still believe 2 weeks is "too soon", please do tell us how long she should have waited - and please show your maths on that one because I'd like to what the formula is for length of time after a relationship is over before it's "okay" to sleep with someone else. Is it 1 week for every year you're together? Does the nature of the breakup affect the result? Would it have been more or less okay if it was a total stranger over someone she already knew?
Hopefully by the tone of my response you can start to appreciate how farcical what you're suggesting is. You owe her an apology for gaslighting her into thinking she's done anything wrong there and you need to take some self reflection to figure out why you feel the way you (hint: you've got insecurities to deal with but don't feel bad or ashamed of it, we've all got them).

- I am just answering on this comment istead on every single one. First of all, thank you all for answering and sharing your honest opinion, it helps to get a "sober" look on this matter from strangers, because when you talk to friends they often choose your side, which is normal, but not always helpful to get a sober view on those things.
  I realize that I did her wrong, it was over, she has every right to do what she wants and I am dissapointed in myself for criticizing her for that.
  Thank you all, this was really helpful.

Lol you were broke up. It's fine if you don't want to get back together, but this is 100% on you. You gave her the ultimatum. You decided the relationship was over. Were you expecting her to wait for you? How absolutely selfish

I have to say, that if you two were broken up, then her having a rebound while she's probably distraught and lonely is entirely her prerogative. She didn't cheat, because you weren't together. You were planning on moving to different places, living different lives, and she was probably trying to process that loss and got together with someone in the hopes of helping to fill that void even if it was only with sex. But she's not the only adult here, you are too, and the consequences of breaking up with someone is that they can go out and fuck or date whoever they want, even if it's in unhealthy ways due to grief. But that's her choice and it's not up to you. She didn't betray you, you weren't together anymore. You wouldn't have betrayed her either if you decided to get together with another woman as a source of comfort or stress relief. If you weren't committed to breaking up with each other then you should have decided together on taking some time apart to think about things first instead of making it a mutual breakup. But you didn't wait, you broke up, that means she gets to live her life with whoever else she chooses, and so do you. If you can't handle having a friendship with her while she's dating other people, then that's fine, but don't act like she's doing something wrong because of it, because she didn't do anything wrong. She doesn't have to put her life on hold until you're ready for her to start moving on. How she decides to handle her grief over the loss of the relationship is her business. I'm sure it hurts, it's allowed to hurt, but how you feel about it isn't her responsibility.

A 7 year relationship and less than a month and she's dating a new guy? It doesn't sound like she needed tome to jeal and that alone would prevent me from continuing a relationship with her.
- I don't think you understand how a rebound works. Just because she had sex with another guy that doesn't mean she didn't need time to heal.

I'm sure that it really hurts but you guys were broken up, it's not even like you were just on a break. From the moment you guys ended the relationship it's totally fine for each of you to sleep with other people. You might not like it but you have to accept that and you can be upset about it if you still have feeling for her, but you absolutely have no right to be mad at her for it.

I've been in a similar situation. 10 years but we could never agree on kids. I think there are a couple things you need to figure out before you decide what to do.
First is deciding if you can get past the jealousy. Despite understanding why her being with someone else is hard to get over and can hurt, it really isn't her job to placate your romantic feelings anymore. You were both really young when you started dating, and you both didn't get a lot of time to see what's out there and really know what you need in life. It's the time in life when you're having the world open up and you see the clock ticking. During this more options were closing, she was having to decide to disconnect with other people and the experiences populated areas bring. For you two to work again, you have to drop all the jealousy and it can't be held against her. Some couples recover from this situation because they learned that after exploring, they still want to be together. She didn't cheat, she explored when given the opportunity at a time she was also trying to figure things out. She probably felt alone, and nervous about what to do next in life. If you don't need exploring yourself, you then need to think about the next big issue.
Having different life goals is huge. In my relationship, we decided those goals could never line up and that we shouldn't stay together even though we still loved each other. It was hard, but there are plenty of other people in my life I love and there was no need to force a romantic situation if it made either of us disappointed with our futures. We didn't need to trap each other there. If you don't find a reasonable compromise that you're both ok with now, you're not going to magically find one if you get back together.
Being alone sucks, but it's temporary. You're still young enough for dating to not be a complete nightmare, so you both don't have to base a relationship on being lonely. I'm a bit older than you and I ended up finding someone who fits my life goals. She's basically the partner I would create if I had the option. I would've lost that and continued an unhealthy relationship if my previous relationship picked back up, and that would've been bad for both of us. If you love this girl, you should also want what's best for her too. If you two don't match up, and if the sacrifices are too large, it seems to make the most sense to keep separated. If you both are still in love to the point where you're able to make big sacrifices for each other, and understand and forgive what was done in the interim, then maybe it's worth further conversation. No one here will know what's best for you two, so be open for communication and finding out your hard boundaries and deciding what that means long term for your relationship.
Good luck, it is definitely a difficult situation.

I don't think it matters what she did. You two have larger problems. She wants to live in the city, you want to live on a farm. This isn't Green Acres. Either one of you has to change or find someone else.

If you didn't want her to meet other guys, you shouldn't have broken up with her. Sounds like you enjoy having her be dependent on you despite you being split up, maybe try figuring out where that comes from. It could give you insight as to why you reacted so poorly to her trying to live her life.

Honestly, I think it is pretty crazy to commit yourself to someone at age 19. I can definitely see how one might have a "taste the green on the other side" before everything closes in. I would say continue with her, at the same time make sure that your finances are somewhat separate and that you can support yourself in the lifestyle you want to live, even if shit hits the fan. Coming from a guy your age, with a gf of five years but a more vivid past (same as my GF)

Regardless of your thoughts about whether what she did was right it wrong. You have to ask yourself can you deal with her actions? If it eats you up inside causing knots and anxiety, then that’s your gut telling you that it might not be resolvable in your mind. That’s fine, some people wouldn’t deal with that. I don’t like these other people telling you to grow up or your feelings are invalid. It’s a big deal to you and no one here has lived your life. You need to only focus on whether you can move past her actions, draw a line after whatever decision you make and don’t look back
- No one's saying his feelings are invalid, or he should ignore them. Just that they're sexist and stupid.
  
  Labelling them as sexist and stupid is the knee jerk reaction that I don’t think is useful. If the gender roles were reversed and a woman was is angst at this situation, would that change your sexist comment? If so then it likely means you haven’t considered this situation beyond your own bias.

I empathize where you likely are emotionally. You refer to her as your GF even though she is currently your ex is telling.
Would first recommend addressing the fact that your ex hooked up with another person while you guys were broken up first with yourself and then with your ex. That ongoing/underlying resentment between individuals is a relationship killer if you guys end up getting back together without addressing this in a healthy communicative way and putting it in the rear view mirror.
Then honestly address why this happened in the first place. Were you not picking up on her reservations or fears about spending the rest of her life with you and/or being on a farm? Did you guys not have an open and communicative relationship or a safe emotional environment (i.e. trust) to make sure the physical and mental needs were being met for both of you guys?
This doesn’t have to be the end a 7 year relationship and could be a start of a new chapter and deeper emotional bond for both of you together. The fact that it takes guts and vulnerability to post something like this to the internet out of all things shows you have the potential to become a better and stronger human being and dare I say wiser even if you guys choose to not to continue life’s journey together.
Best of luck to both of you.
PS, I highly recommend watching Brené Brown’s Ted Talk on vulnerability.
The power of vulnerability | Brené Brown The power of vulnerability | Brené Brown
The message is universal for many aspects of social and emotional growth IMO.

My only concern for you, is if she had this guy waiting in the wings, and the breakup was more because she felt she had a different option she wanted to try. Now that she tried the option and doesn't like it, she's willing to live on the farm. To me that would be a deal-breaker. It would be worthwhile to figure out the timeline if you want her back in your life.
But it's probably healthier for you not to have her back in your life, you already decided to break up. The easiest thing to do is just stay separate. And find a new partner.
As other people have said, she did nothing wrong if the hookup happened after you broke up. You were broken up. There was no commitment, there was no expectations, even if you were doing her favors. You could have hooked up in the time. My only issue is was this the reason for the breakup

Yeah, just cut it clean. And try not to be too bitter in a couple decades when you realized you blew your 20s with this chick. Consider it a chapter of your life, good or bad, and move on to the next chapter.

22 comments