2y ago

Just bang Hitler's mom

178 comments

"Fuck hitler's mom"
Yeah that sounds like the setup to a bootstrap paradox in which you were always hitler's dad.
- Get a vasectomy, then start the relationship.
  
  Ah, yes, the "release a bunch of infertile male mosquitoes so the females won't have any babies" approach to Hitler-offing.
- If that’s the case, trying to kill Hitler would make Hitler what he always has been.
  
  I believe theres a twilight zone episode where that happens.

- In an alternate timeline:
  "Yea who's the fuck is Hitler? Himmler is the fuhrer of our fatherland, the Great German Reich, that spans the entire world!"
  
  What if Hitler was the best case scenario result of time traveler interference? He bungled a lot of decisions someone like Himmler probably wouldn't have. What if WWII is ultimately unavoidable, and every other timeline was way worse?
  
  Germany was only 75 years old in 1941; for all we know it'd be some totally new country that ended up conquering everything. "Hail to Field Marshal Bing Bong Potatoman, ruler of our great glorious Zambonian Empire"
- Literally the start of Command and Conquer Red Alert lol
- Would there even be an Oppenheimer movie in the new timeline?
  
  There'd definitely be a Barbie movie, it's just that all of the other girls in the Barbie movie would also be blond. And at one point a random Eastern-European-looking girl would die in some sort of Barbiemobile hit-and-run while Barbie and Ken giggled about it.
  
  And without Oppenheimer we'd never have Barbie!

Such is the nature of time travel that you go back in time to seduce and fuck Hitler's mom and guess what?
Your son is Adolf Hitler.
- No one ever considers that this is the best timeline possible and we got Hitler because someone already time shivved the SUPER NAZIS and SUPER HITLER
  
  Mecha-Hitler wasn’t just some artist’s drawing for Wolfenstein, it’s a remnant of another timeline where there’s fuckin robot Nazis all over
  
  The premise of the entire Command and Conquer universe is that Einstein deleted Hitler and it went horribly wrong.
- Hitler was always your son.
  Reminds me of that twilight zone episode where she goes back in time and swaps baby Hitler for a kid she found on the street without the parents noticing. Turns out that baby on the street was the Hitler we knew and she caused the holocaust.
- So the Holocaust is OP's fault?

Heads up, Hitler's mom died of breast cancer when he was young. If you're going to seduce her, you should be emotionally prepared for the consequences.
- So you're saying Hitler could have been one of the Guardians of the Galaxy?
- Treat his mom's cancer, then?

Eva: Adolf, why are you destroying everything? Adolf: My father is a time traveler from the future and he left me. So I make sure he will not exist. Eva: From the future? So he could also be our son? laughs Adolf: takes the gun
- That actually went full circle, 12 Monkeys style.

It's never "give Hitler a good life where he is never taught or led to be a prejudice psychopathic murderer."
- I mean I get the whole post isn't super serious but for real, I doubt that getting rid of Hitler-Hitler would have stopped the rise of fascism and nazis. There would have just been another leader who might have caused even greater damage.
  
  I always think more about the technological leaps made because of the war. We might not have gone to space if nobody made rockets as weapons.
  
  Or fascism may become the new trend in democracy because it didn't get associated with genocide...
  
  We would have gotten a communist germany. The first big enemy Hitler and his nazi party had to defeat were the communists who were operating similar death gangs to their gestapo.
- i mean, who has that kind of time?
- What about get Hitler art lessons at a young age or don't let him try art at all
  
  Traumatize Hilter to make him hate art.
  
  Imo, his art wasn't bad. But yeah. I think maybe just don't let him join the army

If you think about it, there are on average 30 to 80 million sperm in a typical ejaculation. So I'd find Hitler's dad on the street, bump into him and jiggle his nuts a bit. Surely that'd be enough to change history.
- Ye old scrotal quantum shake
  
  Twist his dick!!!
- So naive.... your bump was precisely necessary for the single unlikely Adolph sperm to make its way to the front of the line. You were always the nut-bumper that caused Hitler.
  
  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo

Because it is a thought experiment about punishing people for pre-crime, not people actually planning what to do with a time machine.
- No, I'd 100% kill Hitler if I ever got a time machine. It would be my first stop on my way to see the dinosaurs.
  
  The cool thing about a time machine is you'd be able to kill Hitler several times, in several ways, in several different back drops. 😃
  Kill Hitler, every single day that he was alive, starting with the last day and working your way back to his birth.
  
  i'd fuck his mom
  
  I think this is the plot of Tenet.
  
  You'd wipe out everyone born to someone displaced from the war

How would you know that this situation including time traveler dad's disappearance doesn't ultimately create him?
- In general, all the "use time machine to kill Hitler" ideas (in the rare cases they are not presented as just a joke) assume that it was Hitler the person and not the socioeconomic and historical conditions that resulted in the catastrophe. There were enough little Hitlers to fill that role. If you want to prevent anything beyond small details, you have your hands full of work as a time traveler.
  
  I think this comment really understates just how effective Hitler was as a politician and a leader. He tried to forcibly take over the government and it failed. That part any "little Hitler" could do and also likely fail. What set him apart was his charisma and appeal to the downtrodden, not unlike a certain US politician. He was so well loved and respected that he was able to do heinous acts with near universal support. I don't think there are many people in history that can do that sort of thing as effectively as he did
  
  Use time travel to 1914 and save archduke Franz Ferdinand, avoid the great war and the economic sanctions imposed into Germany after the war
  
  There are some key points though that if prevented could stop the whole shit. The assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand for one.
  
  So kill all of Germany just to be safe. Gotcha.

Adopt baby Hitler and raise him in a way that would not give rise to the kinds of feelings and ideologies that could lead him down the path of ethno-nationalsim.
- That's when we figure out that this is the path that lead him to flip flop completely hating everything you taught. You went back to stop Hitler only to be the thing that caused his reign of terror. Life would have that kind of irony.
- Oh shit my phone doesn’t work back here. I know I’ll send him to art school!

🎶 Hitler's mom has got it going on 🎶

Plot point: hero person goes back in time to kill Hitler, but finds they have to fight off a bunch of other time travelers from different points in the future bc everyone wants the kill for themselves. Hitler still gets away.
- Alternative plot point: The hero/es keep traveling back in time because everytime they kill a potential Nazi leader, someone worse ends up taking its place. We are left with the timeline where Hitler eventually takes that spot because it's considered the "best"/"least destructive" timeline.
- In Legends of Tomorrow, there's a secret bar for time travellers that want to save Franz Ferdinand. You pull a number and wait your turn like at the DMV.
- https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/5uilpw/wp_the_year_is_1910_adolf_hitler_a_struggling/ddug54b/
  Here is the ultimate
  
  yeah that takes the cake haha
- I would watch that.

Just finished binging the 12 Monkeys TV show, thats just variations on an oops loop. If you seduce Hitlers mom you'll just end up being the father figure he never met. If you strand him in Nepal then either Hitler or any Austrian who witnesses you doing the timey-wimey dance will just blame an international cabal of time traveling Jews for it.

Wouldn't that just make it so you are actually Hitler's dad?
- And then I'd have to time travel to fuck Hitler's dad's mom. I didn't make the rules, I just enjoy them.
- Yeah depending on the time travel rules we apply, fucking Hitler's mom could be one of the worst calls you could make.
- Hitler is likely the surname of Hitlers father, so he wouldn't be called that.

Sounds like the plot of Terminator, but told wrong.
- Speaking of plots told wrong, I found this collection of gems while looking for someone doing it with Terminator 😁
  
  Ahahah, excellent! 😂

As a Nepali expat... Why Nepal? Did Indiana Jones not do enough demonization? #KeepHitlerProblemWhite
- I think probably because it would take him a little while to get back probably, if he ever did. But wouldn't kill him. It's not like Hitler's grandpa really did anything wrong, that I know of at least

And why just Hitler? If we could time travel I'd assume he'd have plenty going after him
Based on what's happening in the US it'd have been a good idea to sink the puritan ships

Hitler’s mother, for those considering it: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/4/45/Klara_Polz_Hitler.jpg
- For the fellas into tomboys
- Michael cera?
- Woof, good thing this was before prohibition.
- I'd take one for the team.

The day I find out I’m Hitlers father and my own grandfather…
- You did do the nasty in the pasty
- Walt a second...

You can never change history even if you can time travel. How did you manage to kill your own grandpa before you were born again?
- You do relize there are like five different types of time travel. You could just as easily pull a future Trunks as you could a Marty McFly.
  
  I... I need to know the different types of time travel.
  
  Theirs zero different types of time travel
- ...because of time travel?

Look time travel is just one big series of accidents until you just wish Schopenhauer was dead

Starting a relationship with Hitlers mom will eventually end in heartbreak when she dies from breast cancer after several painful experimental treatments. I'd rather kill a baby.

And dad, just to be safe
- Is c/suddenlybi a thing?
- Gotta make it the best he could possibly have. Otherwise he may be interested enough to try Mrs. Hitler's claims minge.

Why are we assuming it wasn't all Hitler's mom's fault?
- She did create Hitler... I'm just saying...

shoots
Ah u meant as in sex..
Pulls up corpse

The Evil Baby Orphanage is RIGHT THERE.

They would have to send a jew back to bush wack his mom. That may be a better solution.
- The best solution is to approach him during his artist phase. Mentor/sponsor him. Become his patron. Intoduce meth early. Let the meth do the work.
  
  Adolf
  Wir müssen kochen

because she probably uggo

What if I had a vasectomy first? I could accuse her of being barren and really treat her like dog shit.
/s on that second part.

I'd imagine his mother likely shared similar beliefs?

Red Alert
- Here is an alternative Piped link(s): https://piped.video/watch?v=3HUWUtTZvK4
  Piped is a privacy-respecting open-source alternative frontend to YouTube.
  I'm open-source, check me out at GitHub.

Gotta love the heteronormativity on this post. Why fuck the mother? Why not go back in time and fuck Hitler and make him fall in love with me? All hail homo-hitler!

178 comments