There is no piece of media I'd like to be able to experience for the first time again more than Outer Wilds.
Where are they finding dinosaurs to fuck that know what a VCR is?
Incedible story, thanks for sharing. I totally understand that day 1 feeling. I was SO scared about it all, but almost immediately I felt more ok with myself. It's still strange to me in some ways, my mind and body have never been further apart in their expression of gender, but my disphoria has lessened so much. For the first time in my life, I'm actually starting to accept myself.
When I started down this road, I mentally prepared myself for others to react strongly to it, one way or the other. Instead most everyone just accepted it, and told me I should just be me and do whatever makes me happy. Don't get me wrong, their understanding and acceptance has been excellent, but sometimes I felt like I needed that challenge. Almost like I wanted someone I'd have to convince to accept me. I've since come to realize that I was looking for that because I hadn't yet accepted myself. I think I was hoping that if I could convince someone else I'm female, I would believe it more myself, or work harder to prove it.
In a way, I was looking to create some sort of triumphant coming out story, like something out of a movie, where I say "No, this is me!" and start fighting for myself. That's not how real life works though, and instead I needed to take the time to realize who I am. It was only once I did that I was actually able to start fighting for myself and standing up for who I am.
MtF HRT Week 3 - My Experience
Week 1/Background -> https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/8767449
Week 2/Last Week -> https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/9074332
Dosage:
4mg Estradiol
100mg Spironolactone
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Physical effects:
I have been dealing with some acid reflux, likely from my earlier stress. That ended up dominating how I felt physically this week, and has made for a very uncomfortable week. I believe it also started to affect my inner ear, and was causing me vertigo and lightheadedness, particularly after getting up in the morning. I am now on Prilosec, it seems to be helping quite a bit, but it has taken some time to heal and start feeling ok again.
My chest has been feeling slightly more sensitive, nothing significant or externally visible, but noticeable.
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Mental effects:
I've been a little more down this week, but attribute that mainly to how I've been feeling physically. I am finding myself strongly motivated to accomplish more and explore life more, but have been relatively unable to due to the vertigo. Hopefully I am getting past that now.
I had my first appointment with my primary care Dr Monday, I was quite nervous about that. My provider does not have a good record on trans issues, and I was concerned how my Dr would respond. I was worried he would try to convince me some of my other issues were being caused by the hormone change, or refuse to treat me. Things ended up going pretty well instead. He was understanding, asked some basic questions about how my sodium and potassium were being monitored, and moved past it. I don't foresee any issues going forward with him, so that was a relief. We have decided I should resume the Methylphenidate for my ADHD, but at a significantly reduced dosage. I was on 54mg daily before HRT, but that almost immediately felt like way too much. I will be starting back on 27mg, and seeing how that works for me now. Hopefully I can report back next week on that.
My competitiveness continues to decline. I am finding myself worrying a lot less about how I compare to others and instead just wanting to be the best me I can be. That has been a welcomed change, and seems to be improving my communication and relationships across the board. I feel more genuine in my interactions, like I'm more in control of how I interact with others, and just calmer in general in social situations. I have always felt like I've had relatively severe social anxiety, that's not gone completely, but it's so much easier to manage than it was. For example, I received a last minute invitation to dinner from some family, and was able to just say "yes" to it, get ready, and go. The worry and fear just didn't seem to present itself like it always has in the past, instead of feeling anxious about having to see everyone, I felt excited! That was really nice.
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Discussion:
I'd like to start adding a topic of discussion each week, if you have any suggestions for good topics in future posts, message me and I will include them. This week, I'd like to talk a little about how this affects things with our partners/close relationships, how we manage that, and how that changes as we move forward.
Do those close to you know the real you? How did those close to you react when you told them who you are? How have your relationships changed over time as a result of coming out? What unique challenges do our relationships face?
My wife of 10 years has supported me and been by my side through everything since I first came out to her a little over a year ago, but it also has been extremely challenging for both of us, and has put some strain on our relationship. She was overwhelmed, and unsure how to handle things or really even how she felt about it for quite a while.
At first she was a little angry about it, and blamed me for not telling her about this sooner, and "lying" to her about who she was marrying. This was not fair to me at all, but also seemed like a reasonable feeling for her to have. She was quite shocked at first, and it really tested our connection and felt like we were close to failing a few times.
It's true who I am now is not exactly who she thought I was, but it took more than I wanted to convince her that despite that, I am still me. I tried to help her understand that all the things she loved about who I am weren't changing, that instead what was changing was the things neither of us liked about me. All she could see at first though was that the man she fell in love with wasn't the woman I wanted to become now. She supported me anyways though, it was hard on her at times, but she never stopped trying.
There has been some conflict around it feeling like I'm challenging her own femininity. I am far more girly and feminine than her, and it seemed for a bit that it was really hard for her to feel secure in her own womanliness in a way. It was hard for her to feel comfortable helping me with some of the things I was asking for help with, like makeup or shaving, I believe partially because I was excited about those things, and to her they were more just annoying things she had to do than fun exciting stuff. She still helped as much as she could though, and taught me far more than she will ever realize.
There was, and still is, lots of confusion around what that means in regards to both of our sexual orientations. Were we suddenly lesbians? What did that mean for us? How would others react to that? Over time I think we have realized labels aren't important. I love the person she is, she loves the person I am, and that is truly all that needs to matter for us to want to be together.
Our biggest issue though, has been around encouragement. Knowing that it was causing her stress and discomfort early on when I expressed my femininity around her, it was very difficult for me to feel ok with pushing that on her. I was desperate for her to help me feel ok with who I am and what I want. I asked her many times to encourage me, to tell me she wants me to express myself, but she was unable to. It was very difficult for her to suggest I work towards what she thought she didn't want, but I was putting it almost entirely on her to tell me when it was ok to be myself and when it wasn't. She never wanted that control, but I didn't want to make her uncomfortable. We fought far more often than I wanted to around this, and I was quite worried that we would never get through it.
It wasn't until I realized that I can't wait for someone else to tell me it's ok to be myself that things changed. I realized I was asking her to do exactly what I was fighting against, that I was still valuing myself through the eyes of others, and asking them who it was ok for me to be, and when. I don't want ANYONE telling me who I have to be though, that's the entire point of my transition, finding who I am and learning to love that.
The only way forward was to accept that being true to myself was more important than anything, that if there were people in my life unwilling to accept me for myself, they shouldn't be in my life. So I made an appointment with Planned Parenthood to discuss HRT. That was terrifying, I was very concerned about how she would respond, and at first she seemed hurt I didn't involve her in that decision. I couldn't though, the only person that can decide who I am is me. She came with to my appointment though, she was by my side as I finally started looking for help with this, she held my hand as I told the Dr I struggle with gender dysphoria.
Things have improved, a lot, since I made that decision. She has since realized she was still somewhat in denial of the reality of all this, and me taking the initiative and making an appointment forced her to face that and accept it. Our relationship is finally feeling somewhat stable again, and our communication around all this has gotten much better. It still not always easy, but it's easier, and that is making it possible to grow together again.
I feel incredibly fortunate to have someone as strong as she is by my side, and look forward to learning more about ourselves and finding new ways to explore our love for each other.
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I never believed any of this was possible, yet here I am doing it. Find support, reach out, you are less alone than you think.
Melissa
It's obvious untill its not, its only going to get harder to tell as we go.
At least be upfront about it being AI generated when you post. I've taken to surrounding ai content with "🤖" emojis to indicate its generated, eg: 🤖AI generated content 🤖. People seem to be understanding that naturally when I use it.
That's what I thought too, but I'm realizing just how much of my anxiety has been gender related. That's not just magically gone now, but I feel much more able to face it and deal with it.
That's great to hear! I've been quite surprised how motivating its felt overall, like sitting around doing nothing doesn't sound nearly as enjoyable as it used to.
I felt some of that insecurity that first week too. I've found I tend to want to run away from who I am whenever it causes friction in my life. That feels a lot less possible now and that scared me a little. I'm realizing I don't want to run away from this anymore though, and that part of my intention with HRT is to force myself to accept that.
Thanks for the suggestion and kind words! It's helpful hearing others are having similar experiences, it makes it feel more legitimate in a way. Sometimes I worry that its all a placebo and I'm just convincing myself this is helping me. It feels different than times in the past where improvements have been temporary though, like something fundamental is shifting into the right place.
Week 1/Background -> lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/8767449
Dosage:
4mg Estradiol
100mg Spironolactone
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Physical effects:
After two weeks, physical changes are still minimal. My body still feels more relaxed overall, with less tension and back pain. I have been dealing with Covid for the last week, which has run me down and held me back from acomplishing some of the things I wanted to. I am finally getting past it though, and hope for a better week next week.
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Mental effects:
Mentally I continue to quickly improve. I feel more aligned both internally and with the world around me. I am sleeping much better, and still having an easier time both falling asleep and getting up. It feel like the world around me is changing, even though I know it's me that is. I feel like I'm the same person in a world that fits me better. Interactions with others feel more genuine, and I'm finding it way easier to reach out and connect with others. I'm finding myself challenging some of my long held beliefs about what my weaknesses are and what I need to feel "ok" in life. I'm finding I'm almost feeling bored with some of my problems, like I've let them hold me back for too long for no real good reason, and it's time for that to change. Being slowed down by Covid has frustrated me quite a bit, I finally want to get more done in life, but physically haven't been able too. I'm looking forward to that changing and focusing on how good it is that I'm feeling motivated enough to be frustrated.
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I never believed any of this was possible, yet here I am doing it. Find support, reach out, you are less alone than you think.
Melissa
I'm 40, I have know I'm trans my whole life. I have been to afraid to cone out and face that because of people with your false beliefs. I have struggled immensely in life for 35 years because I didn't feel it was safe to talk about or explore. I've decided it's finally time to take my life back.
You do not know what you are talking about, at all. Stop assuming you do, and start learning.
That's when you say yes, edit the page source in browser, show him it says he has a degree, get paid, and disappear.
Millions of people do good work on a flat wage. If you need to be bribed to care at all about people, get out of the service industry.
Any good resources your found for makeup? Its a bit overwhelming and tough to know where to start there.
Thanks for the info. I figure I've waited my whole life to get to this point, at least now I am actually waiting for something.
Summary:
I started on HRT one week ago after lurking in this community for the last year. I am in my late 30s, married, my wife and I have no children.
I wouldn't have made it to this point without all of you, thank you. Hopefully my story can help someone else, even if just a little. I plan to provide updates weekly on how things are going with this.
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Background:
I guess I have always known something didn't feel right inside, but I always found something else to blame. I've always felt disconnected from the world around me in some way, like my experience of it wasn't everything it should be. My childhood was very hectic and stressful, I was diagnosed ADHD and medicated at a very young age, my parents divorced and both passed away quite young. There was always something going on that gave me a reason to expect to struggle. I told myself crossdressing was just something I did to relieve some stress, to distance myself from everything else.
For a while, I turned to psychadellics to try to find that connection. I used a lot of LSD and felt what I was looking for. But it was only temporary, and I always knew that. It helped me understand myself more honestly though, and I worked through my earlier issues and found peace with them. I began to realize that my desire to be more feminine wasn't related to any of that though, that while it had helped me to feel better about things when I was struggling, it also just helped me feel better overall. I became more accepting of that side of myself and allowed myself to more deeply explore it. This helped for a while, but I found over time it started feeling hollow. It was becoming obvious to me how much of a part of me it was, but I wasn't sharing that with anyone.
My wife knew it was something I occasionally explored a little. I was always concerned she would find something feminine, and then not believe me if I told her it was mine not another womans. Beyond that, I hadn't mentioned anything about it at all to anyone since I was very young. I was starting to consider talking to her more about it, and then a year ago I got a toothache that changed my life. The pain from it became overwhelming, and somehow that made everything else feel completely insigificant. Before I realized it, I had told her everything. How often I was doing this, and to what extent. That I wasn't sure if I was actually the person I've been telling everyone I was my whole life.
She was stunned, not angry, not happy, but confused. She stayed though, and decided she wants to face this with me. It hasn't been easy and there are still major things to work through, but she is still here supporting me. We started researching things more and I learned what dysphoria is, and how much I deal with and am affected by it. We slowly started sharing this with people important to me, and the ammount of support and acceptance I recieved was incredible. It was also really hard for me to accept. My whole life everyone else was the reason I felt I needed to present as male, now suddenly the obstacle was me. I was forced to realize that the only person who can decide who I am was me, and that I had put it on everyone else to tell me who that was my whole life instead of finding out for myself.
As I talked to people though, I started to realize that no one else had questions about their gender like I did. I expected people to say they had thought about their gender and decided it was right or something, but instead it wasn't even something they had considered. I thought about it constantly though, and always had. As I learned more I also learned more about how much relief some people feel from transitioning. Slowly, that started feeling more like a real possibility. I never felt sure though, there are so many unknowns, a LOT to learn, and I was pretty good at being who everyone else expected me to be already. Eventually, I realized that the only way to find out was to try.
I started looking into HRT, and found that it was way more possible that I had previously expected. I was relieved as I learned that while changes can be drastic over time they are also slow, and if I found early on it didn't feel right there would be little to any permanant effect. I am US based, and learned that Planned Parenthood offers hormone therapy as an "informed consent" option, meaning I didn't need to prove the treatment was needed, only that I understand the risks involved and consent to them. I made an appointment.
I was incredibly nervous about it, but I went. It couldn't have gone better. The staff was very welcoming and supportive, and I felt more accepted and validated than I even had before. We went over my goals with this, and decided to start with 4mg Estradiol and 100mg Spironolactone daily. We talked about methods of administration, and decided on pill form. I had heard injections have been better for some, in their opinion they were seeing little difference in efficacy between the two. I do not know what is accurate there. Blood was drawn for lab work, and a prescription was sent to my local pharmacy. I picked it up, and started taking it that evening.
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Dosage:
4mg Estradiol
100mg Spironolactone
Physical effects:
One week in, I am seeing few significant physical changes. Sweating has become more of a full body experience, it used to be more concentrated to areas like my armpits. My nipples feel slightly more sensitive, not bothersome, but I am more aware they exist than usual. Overall though I feel significantly better physically. I was pretty unaware of just how much stress I had been carrying surrounding this, and I feel like I can finally breathe again.
Mental effects:
The mental effects have been more profound. I have experienced an extreme reduction in stress and anxiety. I'm not afraid of everything anymore. I don't know how much of that is placebo, how much is from taking a real step forward in this, and how much is directly from the hormones, but it has been wonderful. My sleep has improved significantly as well. I'm able to go to bed and go to sleep, instead of laying there for hours worried about everything. I am dreaming, I never really did before. I am waking up earlier while feeling more rested than before.
I have noticed a shift in how I experience emotion, like I "feel" it more now throughout my body. I'm finding emotions are triggering memories of great feelings I haven't felt in so long, from when I was very young and wasn't worried about any of this. It's hard to explain, and the words might not even exist to describe it, but I know it feels a lot more right than it used to for me. I was surprised to find that the stimulant I had been taking for my ADHD my entire life immediately felt like it was WAY too much. Before I felt like without it I could barely function, suddenly it felt very intense and overwhelming, I stoped taking it day 3 and have felt more energized and motivated than I ever did on it. I do not recommend adjusting any medications without talking to a medical professional. Social interactions and connections have felt satisfying and fulfilling in a way they never have before. They always seemed to leave me feeling empty before, like there was something more I wanted from them but could never find.
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I never believed any of this was possible. Find support, reach out, you are less alone than you think.
Melissa