11mo ago

I don't enjoy it when people compliment me. Why could it be?

Not to brag but I'm a pretty confident person in my social circle. I'm funny, make people laugh etc. etc.

Basically, I am adored by everybody.

But there is something that I noticed about myself lately. Regularly people come up to me to chat and sometimes they compliment me. Now, complimenting isn't a bad thing, obviously. But I just don't feel anything when I receive them.

However I enjoy it when people talk good things about me when I'm not present. I, again, don't feel anything when people talk shit about me when I'm not present. BUT I really enjoy it when people straight up come at me and say something bad at me. My mood increases and I spend the rest of my day happier.

Is this some kind of a defense/coping mechanism that I have unintentionally developed? I don't see anything bad about this.

It's also worthy to say that I spent the majority of my life isolated up until a few years ago. No compliments at all but nobody to say bad things either. Is this why I fail to appreciate compliments?

39 comments

Do you suffer from past traumatic experiences? I was abused as a child, and as a result I constantly avoid attention. As an adult, I still walk barefoot on the balls of my feet and close doors quietly to avoid being noticed around the house. Getting complimented by anyone is difficult for me. Getting complimented by a stranger is paralyzing.
- That is my experience as well.

This will seem like a weird tangent, but it is setting up some context.
I was taught as a young person to be humble, and to avoid making others feel bad for not being as good as me. So while Inwas always told I was special, I wasn't supposed to acknowledge out out loud to avoid being seen as bragging. This was either driven in or internalized to the point that compliments still make me feel uncomfortable because of a natural urge to dismiss them despite knowing they are being given in good faith.
Compliments given when I am not present seem more genuine to me, like they aren't just saying it to make me happy at the moment. Thise sre my favorite, hearing about someone telling someone else a positive thing about me.
It sounds like you have a kind of reverse situation, where you prefer to have something bad said about you in person and don't care about what is said when you aren't around. That kind of sounds like confidence in yourself being able to handle negativity, but not getting pleasure from compliments. It could be a coping mechanism, and that would be my first guess. The reason for your isolation would probably provide some context, but that would be better to discuss with a professional than the internet.

If you are exposed to lies and manipulations a lot, maybe you developed a defence mechanism against language.
I have, and for example my boss loves to fist-bump me and compliment my work. This means nothing to me because I know he's a POS scum human through his actions.
My aunt is one of the loveliest people in the world, yet she let slip once that she befriends people because they're useful to her. She's nothing but smiles and good gestures, yet it's only to use and discard you, as I've observed throughout her life. She meant it. Thanks, wine.
My father is in jail for basically being Andrew Tate.
Compliments can be real, and they definitely feel more real when they're still expressed behind your back, but from my experience humans are generally playing a shitty social game. That's why rude people are so great - you're actively putting yourself at a disadvantage in our relationship just to express yourself? Fuck yeah, preach your feelings buddy!
- Someone was once trying to give me a advice by saying that people just talk to obtain information about each other and use it to their own advantage. Well, that was an instant upgrade to my shitlist for her. And ya, in the end her behavior caused one of my social circles to fall apart.
  When someone tells you they're bad, believe them.
  
  Awwh damn, sorry you lost your group of homies to a goober :( I'm glad you had other friends at the time though~ Losing everyone because of one goob sucks.
  It's not always easy to accept these behaviours though. Even after my aunt's radical statement, I needed a lot of introspection in order to find, well, reality lol. ~~Jesus Christ take me back~~
  I concur with your conclusion, but I also love to balance it with a paraphrased quote who's origin I don't recall...
  Never trust someone who says they've never stolen
  It has two sides: Humans are corruptable, but we are also redeemable. It helps me put the humanity back on people my brain would otherwise villanize. I'm ever the optimistic ideallist though. :p

Because your parents/caregivers didn't compliment you
Look into attachment theory for more info

- Reminds me of the broken arms guy on Reddit

I want to insult you now so you have an awesome day.
But i can't come up with any.

I love compliments but they also mess with me a bit. Like, I don't know how to respond. Like, half of me wants to say thanks! And then ramble for 20 minutes about what they complimented me on, and half of me wants to say thanks and compliment them back. The former is usually weird and I honestly have a bit of trouble complimenting someone on the spot, so I just kind of freeze, and it's made more difficult because at the same time I'm trying to process someone saying something positive about me when I've only thought of myself negatively for a very long time. It's wonderful and difficult all at once
- I'm usually cheerful around people but when they compliment me out of the blue I just get quiet. I'm not thinking about anything either. My mood decreases. It's not that I devalue myself. Deep down I am disgustingly egoist. However I don't inflict any of that on others. People wouldn't classify me as an egoist at all. Perhaps it's my ego that's causing this? I'm unsure.
  
  Maybe it makes you think people have identified you as an egoist, because complimenting you is essentially appealing to your ego

Now, complimenting isn’t a bad thing, obviously. But I just don’t feel anything when I receive them.
One can question whether complimenting is not a bad thing. Praising can create a non horizontal emotional dependency.
- I feel like you might be onto it. If you actually care too much what other people are thinking of you, but are unhappy with yourself for how dependent that makes you (and maybe trying to deny or ignore it), then the direct experience of these compliments would be net negative. When people say bad things, your desire for emotional independence and your immediate urge to hold the comment at a distance are not in conflict, so there's no problem.
  
  Right. I didn't to write too much in my initial comment here, but a search engine search with "do not rebuke or praise" should show more on this. I got this idea from a book I read. I have the paper book here, and in that chapter the old guy gives an example of praise, and asks how the young guy feels about it. The young guy answers that he find it feeling unpleasant cause "one is being talked down to".
  I find myself still in the habit of going for praise rather than just showing gratitude but I am more aware that praising can create this non horizontal structure where the person praising is kind of unintentionally sharing their world view as authoritative towards the other person and with that decreases freedom and horizontal relationships.

Some people are saying lack of compliments as a child, some are saying neglect.
I personally feel similarly much of the time. My parents would compliment me or tell me they are proud but usually just my mother and usually after my sibling did something and we are talking about how proud my mom is of them, like she forgot about me and "oh yeah I'm proud of you too, you do stuff too probably. You weirdo."
My dad was emotionally detached and made jokes I could never get because I was a kid without the background knowledge to understand what the joke was. I'm not my mom's favorite and that was always pretty clear. As I've grown up I've realized my mom's favorite might be herself first, as she often makes many things about her, or changes topics to be about her.
I'm so accustomed to hearing things I can do better that those seem more comfortable to me. I know what to focus on and how I can try and improve. Or, someone just doesn't like me or wants to complain and there isn't anything I can do, I'm just there in their way of existing.
Generally with compliments I'll say "thanks" or "thank you" but I'm more comfortable with critical feedback I can use to better myself in some way.
I don't know your background, I can't say why you feel the way you do. But you aren't alone in feeling that way, 'normal' or not. If it causes you anxiety or other discomfort for extended periods of time I would suggest trying to work that out with someone, even just a diary if possible to get your thoughts down.

@Quintus Yeah, I get some discomfort from a compliment, like... I'm not sure what to do, do I thank them? Do I just say "I know!" Do I express humility? I don't believe half the compliments I get.
Getting into clothes has helped. I am proud of my style, it's unique, and I have enough of the haters, I am tired of them. When people compliment my style, it's not mere flattery—it's a statement of mutual understanding that fosters a deeper connection. And we can talk about the clothes.

Sounds to me like you think the compliments are not true and the bad talk is more real. You like compliments when you are not present as you then feel it is more true. Anyway I don't deal with compliments to well but its more an uncomfortable thing on it. At least in my nature. Im getting old and over time you learn (or at least I have) to mitigate some of your things and I think I do somewhat decently taking a compliment and giving them.

You suck, weirdo.
Seriously though, I think it's only a coping mechanism if you have an actual issue with it. Were you neglected during your isolation?

I wonder if it has to do with the specific traits they are commenting on. Do you value being different? Maybe compliments make you feel like you're fitting in and insults tell you that you're your own person.
Anyway, fuck you, have a nice day asshole :)

Just move to the UK. This is the norm.
Inability to take a compliment is tied to the general cultural dislike of 'people who get above themselves'. Arrogance is the cardinal sin, and so in receiving a compliment you either a) accept it (meaning you agree with them that you're great, which is a sign of arrogance!) or b) deny it (false modesty! A sign of even greater arrogance!). The only acceptable response is to sputter and turn red with embarrassment.
- Yes, yes, more ways to take down the British system of order by chaos. Feed me more information!!!
  Excuse me, hi, you have a spot on your shirt. Don't mind me, I'm just going to cut to the front of the line, my dog has a vet appointment tomorrow.
  
  How bloody dare you!

From my own past and trauma, in my personal experience it's because my parents, family, ex friends/ partners that whenever they complimented me it's always because it's not true but instead they used it to manipulate me into doing something.
So whenever someone compliments me my brain automatically suspects there trying to harm me, even if I know that's not rational.

I'm an extrovert, and I was a gifted kid. I haven't been gaslit about my abilities, and I was supported and encouraged as a kid. I know what I'm capable of, and I know my limitations. I love myself, and wouldn't choose to be anyone else.
Yet I hate compliments.
To me, compliments feel like someone passing judgement on me, like they're putting themselves in a place above me so they can judge me. I'm aware that's not what they're doing, but that's always been what it feels like to me.
However, you can compliment things I've done, and I'm here for it
I have no idea what it means :)
- I’m an extrovert, and I was a gifted kid. I haven’t been gaslit about my abilities, and I was supported and encouraged as a kid. I know what I’m capable of, and I know my limitations. I love myself, and wouldn’t choose to be anyone else.
  I'm the exact same. Well, perhaps saying "exact" is too much. Let's just say "similar" instead. I love myself so much.
  To me, compliments feel like someone passing judgement on me, like they’re putting themselves in a place above me so they can judge me. I’m aware that’s not what they’re doing, but that’s always been what it feels like to me.
  While I personally think they aren't judging me, I sometimes feel like I'm doing exactly what you have described when I compliment people. I try to compliment people whenever I can in order to make them feel good and while it works, I feel like I'm above them for doing so.
  
  While I personally think they aren’t judging me, I sometimes feel like I’m doing exactly what you have described when I compliment people. I try to compliment people whenever I can in order to make them feel good and while it works, I feel like I’m above them for doing so.
  Yep, I struggle giving compliments for the same reason! So I give compliments in the way I can receive them, which is to compliment the things that people have said/done or are planning etc, rather than complimenting the person.

Sounds like you might enjoy people being honest to you rather than enjoying compliments or criticism. Criticism is more blunt when said to someone's face, but compliments can seem disingenuous, so maybe you don't believe the compliments subconsciously

It's possible that it is a self-worth issue and lack of self-love. Overconfidence is a defence mechanism, and not being able to take compliments is a sign that you don't truly, deep down, believe people are being honest about them.
However it can be quite complex and let's say you have trust issues... an example is, let's say you didn't get many real compliments and were bulled in school and every time you wore a ratty shirt or didn't brush your hair, your bully 'complemented' it in front of others. Now you're primed to distrust complements and believe on a subconscious level that they are malicious.
Compliments are often used as a way to manipulate people, so if you've dealt with a manipulator before, now genuine comments may trigger you to have your guard up... not an easy place to be when trying to genuinely accept compliments.

I'm thinking self worth issues.
In another comment you said you are egoist. Fair, but a lot of people with self worth issues cope by essentially talking themselves up (or tearing others down) internally. Can you elaborate on how you feel like you're "a disgusting egoist"?

I thought I was the only one who's like this.
Now I think I'm the only one in my country who's like this.
- Despite my overall independent nature I find the thought of someone out there being just like me comforting.
  
  Same.

There is practically zero actual benefit to anyone from people complimenting one another. Perhaps you are made nervous by the waste of energy when we could be working 24/7 to build our AI overlords.
- Of course! Who doesn't want an AI overlord looming over us all the time? Even the thought excites...

First of, compliments are flattery, watch out they are trying to manipulate you !
Second, they are simply mistaken if they knew the truth they wouldn't say that.
Third, they at least have poor taste and judgement if they thing I'm good or have done sonething good
Fourth, I cannot respect someone who would compliment me, they must be a huge loser with no friends to think that.
If you suffer this reasonning, I am sorry to say but there is an evil demon living inside your soul. You must catch it and send it back to hell for your sake and the sake of everyone tgat loves. Yes, they exist.

39 comments