12mo ago

What kind of a gift can you give your teacher out of respect, but that doesn’t get mistaken for romance?

A follow up from my older asklemmy post, saying goodbye to a teacher who helped me a lot through my stuff, was thinking maybe chocolate, but one of the dudes said that it’s not a very good idea, I was thinking maybe a perfume/cologne? What do you guys suggest? She is in probably in her early 20s if it helps, and I am in senior high, damn this is getting weirder and weirder, I just want to run away lol

103 comments

A greeting card with a note about how she helped you.
Material gifts will get used up and thrown out over time. But she'll collect notes and letters from her students over the years, and they will help remind her why she's teaching.
- This, and if you really really wanna put a monetary gift in there, get them a gift card for coffee(go local fuck Starbucks) or honestly somewhere like target that sells school supplies. It’s a bit orphan crushing machine but they may really appreciate the extra cash for supplies.
  
  A gift card for school supplies is a great idea
- Concur. I have every card, note, poster, or coloring page I've ever gotten from a student. (I volunteered with kids younger than OP)
  Misspelled words don't matter (I guess maybe if it's your language arts/spelling/writing teacher it would matter a little) because they thought of me and put time, thought, and energy into a gift for me instead of making a tiktok or whatever.
  
  I got fired from my job, and while I was cleaning out my locker I found a folder in the back of my locker.
  It had a note from an old lady I helped once. She wrote a whole note about how nice it was to work with me.
  The other thing was a hand-drawn card from a coworker’s daughter, proclaiming me as her friend forever.
  I also had a big stack of gift cards the company had given me to show their appreciation, and I just took them so I’d have food. I don’t feel the slightest bit of meaning from those gift cards.
  Honestly an email from my boss saying “Hey good job on X” would have gone so much further than those gift cards.
- This. I'm a teacher, and I have about a thousand gift mugs stuck in a closet, but I will hang on to that raggedy half torn post it note that says, "Thank you Mr. [Name] for helping me :)" literally until the day I die.
  In my desk, I have a special folder full of notes from students that I look at when I have a bad day.
  We don't do it for the money, we do it to help you have a better life. So when students tell us we helped, the feeling is incredible.
  If you want to make sure it doesn't get mistaken for romantic feelings, just think, "Would I feel weird saying this to my Aunt/Uncle?" while writing it.
  Some potential sentence starters:
  What I appreciated most about being in your class was...
  One time you really helped me was when...
  Something you really helped me understand was...
  The one thing you should never stop doing in class is...
  Whatever you write, your teacher will love it :)

As a teacher, just a letter or card saying how they impacted you is enough.
- Fellow teacher here, I concur. I've never gotten a physical gift from a student, and I don't think I'd be comfortable with it.
  A card would be weird too, but better by several powers of magnitude than an actual gift. And perfume? WTF my dude?
  
  “There’s no way perfume could be construed as romantic!”
- Not a teacher (but I work with people that sometimes want to give me gifts when we say goodbye) and I agree, card or a letter is great!
  Either that or something I can share with my colleagues (chocolate, assorted sweets).

A heartfelt, handwritten thank-you letter telling them they're a great teacher and how they positively impacted your life.
- And an apple 🍎
  
  https://youtu.be/rOcW1r4TO3k?si=-nb9CvRlO3c5wxMA
- This. My sister in law teaches and keeps all the letters she gets from her students. It's stuff like that that keeps teachers going.

@fastandcurious don't give anyone perfume/cologne unless you know them well enough to know what they wear.
A card that has something meaningful about their teaching written in it.
Since she's early career, give written feedback to the school about what a great teacher she is.

I don't think you have to worry too much. A classic gift of a vibrator should probably get your point across and not get misinterpreted.
(Sorry, I had to, I know I'm dumb)

A fountain pen or a nice moleskin notebook with a note saying how her lessons will help you in your future life.
I think a perfume is too personal and might come out as a romantic gesture (and difficult to choose if you don't know what she likes anyway).
- A nice fountain pen seems like a good idea, Thanks!
  
  As a fountain pen user, I would suggest against that unless you know it suits her personality. Fountains pens require maintenance, and certainly it's easy maintenance, but it's definitely more work than a ballpoint. They are a hobby, and if it's is not her thing, she'll never use it.
  I would instead recommend a nice ballpoint pen set where the ink can be replaced when empty. Something she can use without having to think about or maintaining it.
  
  Speaking as a teacher here: do not buy any teacher anything, as in NOTHING.
  I would be super weirded out if a student gave me something.
  We had a student of more years than most, present the teacher's lounge with a chocolate basket once, and everyone thought it was strange. So presenting a teacher with a personal gift would be even stranger.
  But if you insist on getting her a gift, perfume would be up there with lingerie and jewelry ... WTF dude?
  what should you do? how about you decide what it is that you want to say. Like "you did so and so, that meant a lot for me because of so and so".
  Figure out what to say
  make sure you don't spend more than 30 or 45 seconds to say it.

One thing I haven’t seen yet: if you can, loop your parent(s) in on this. They know the situation better than the Internet does, and if someone tries to turn the situation into something weird, they should have your back. And they’ve got some life experience to help you with your note.
- Damn, that's good advice.
  However the sarcastic side of me is looking forward to the next post in a months time when they ignored this, etc...
  "How do I propose to my old teacher?" And so on
  
  I hope to god this never happens but that would be hilarious ngl

Lmao at the perfume and chocolates. You somehow beelined to the most Valentines related gifts possible.
The suggestion for a letter or card saying how much they helped you is the best idea. If you don’t feel up to writing, then think about a professional gift, like a fancy pen or something to sit on their desk. Don’t spend a lot of money, that makes it weird. Less than $30.
I’m so glad we had this talk at this stage of your life before you gave your first boss a fine bottle of perfume and then had a bewildering conversation with HR, lol.

Unless you’re living in a horny anime I don’t think you have much to worry about with what they think. However, don’t give your teacher perfume—that’s insane and inappropriate for anyone outside of a romantic partner / close friend.
Write them a thank-you note and get them a Starbucks gift card.

As a teacher, I treasure all of the heart-felt notes and letters students have left me over the years. If you want to give something that shows them how important they are to you, write them a letter.
- SOURCE!
  Edit: I guess I should clarify. I'm saying that this is the ultimate source as an answer to this question. I'm not ordering this person to cite a source. Sorry for the interruption.

As a former teacher, I'd never consider something a student bought me as a romantic gift, that's just not a thing. Chocolates are nice, but echoing what someone else said, a nice card with a message is really special. I still have every thank you card my students ever gave me, and I once printed out an email a student sent me when they got their first job to keep. It just gives you fuzzy feelings to think you may have been helpful.

A thank you card and a gift certificate for food. Everybody needs food.
- “Good for one food”

As another poster suggested: muffins and a nice card go a long way. Especially since few students show appreciation anyway. She’ll definitely appreciate the card and gesture more than any particular gift that you might include.
And definitely don’t do perfume. It’s difficult enough to shop for yourself, much less for others. Just don’t.
- I just love any scent as long as it’s not too strong ¯(ツ)_/¯, but I know people can be very picky, but honestly as long as I don’t smell sweat, I am happy
  
  Fragrance is a very risky gift. Some people do not want that shit and don't even want it around them. I get upset if I'm sharing a room with someone wearing too much perfume for too long.

a pineapple. Can never be seen as romantic.
- Never say never. I'd go on a date for pineapple
- Unless you are into swinging. Then it's very inappropriate

Red Swingline Stapler
- That’s a great idea. Or something else for their desk at work.
  The public presentation of the gift reinforces the idea that the gift is being presented for their teacher role.

Edible underwear
- “I’d totally chew these right off your pelvis if you weren’t my teacher. Now that I’m graduating, I want you to know you had a great impact on me. I often think about you at night. No homo”

Gift certificate. That's something that can NEVER be mistaken for romance.

We had a wonderful English teacher in our college. And on the last day many students gave her some gifts. If I remember correctly, we gave a small bamboo plant that sits on a table, some squishy smiley balls aka stress balls, a custom printed tshirt, a book, and maybe a mug too.

a genuine card and a gift card to a nice restaurant. or maybe a wine voucher

Maybe find another student and gift something together.
- I live in a trashy society and my friends are a gr8 example, if they even catch a snitch, next day is gonna be like ‘Oooooh he loves his teacher ooooooh’
  
  Protip since you're young, it's all fine and good if your friends bust your balls as a joke, but if you genuinely don't think you can do a nice gesture for a teacher without them incessantly mocking you, you need better friends.
  Like if you give a gift to this teacher, and your friends start cracking wise about it, do you think they'll stop on their own or give you shit about it for the rest of time?
  Don't be embarrassed about wanting to do something nice for someone. If your friends are immature about it, that's their problem.
  
  "I live in a trashy society" don't we all brother
  More seriously, you got great advices in the thread, esp the pen and the muffins. You can offer sweets without having it mistaken as a romantic gestures, it then depends on the sweets you offer. A box of chocolates intent can easily be misconstrued, a box of donuts/muffins, much less so. Except if said muffins have hearts on them, it's all about context.
  Good luck !

A card with a well-written note would be the best. Take time thinking about the tiny things she did that meant a lot to you.
- Yeah card is a given, I should probably start now because I suck at arts and some paper is gonna get wasted
  
  I really think the most valuable thing to her is going to be your written articulation of the ways her work made a positive impact on the course of your life.

Fart in a jar, decorate it all pretty and shit.
- Damn, gonna take some time to get a good smelling one
  
  Try submerging the jar completely in the tub before capturing. Pure fart that way, no air.
- Shout out to mods_are_assholes for your amazing comment.

so chocolates wouldn't necessarily be romantic unless they were... you know... romantic. Like. valentines heart boxes would be a no go. But something like a box of See's Assortment or Lindt's truffles, etc, are pretty impersonal.
A note and some trinket or candy or baked goods is probably the way to go. It doesn't have to be academic-related, for, he record. if you got to know her really well, and maybe she liked... I dunno... legos... a lego minifig key chain, as an example.
I'd just stay away from apples. Kinda cliche. And the perfume. Stay away from the perfume! that would be worse than the chocolates (not least because it's usually ridiculously expensive. Also incredibly hard to guess what kind of perfume some one might like.)
I'd also suggest that flowers are too easily misinterpreted, as well.

I teach younger ages but my favourite things are cards or artwork that the kids have made. I find the intention and effort behind them most rewarding.
Other than that I don’t mind a good gift card.
Hate chocolate and mugs, I have so much uneaten chocolate and so many mugs I don’t use. But I’m not a big chocolate person anyway, so my preference there may not match others.
If she’s still young like you said, she probably hasn’t gotten that many notes of appreciation so for sure add one along with whatever you give as the emotional support they provide gets you through shit days knowing that your sacrifice is valued.
- But I’m not a big chocolate person anyway
  Well I should fuckin hope not!

Eh, muffins and a card would probably work lol.
- ‘Good Morning, Thanks for your help throughout the session, here are some muffins’
  But this could work ig, muffins are delicious and probably the simplest thing so I don’t think it’s gonna get mistaken
  
  Exactly. Not many people use a batch of blueberry muffins as a romantic gesture but it still gets the intended point across and shows that you're grateful.
  
  The thing that you wrote in your first post on this topic is what she needs to hear. Not:
  thanks for your help throughout the session
  but more like:
  Nobody else has been there for me this past year and I was headed down a dark and miserable path but your being here this year helped me feel that I was someone worth putting effort into. You have given me a gift that I will never forget.
  That is the best gift you can give your teacher.
  You keep trying to put the value in some material gift but those words are what she’s going to value.
  I’m just going to say this: if you give her a card that says “Thanks for your help this session” you will have missed a beautiful opportunity. DO NOT give her that generic “thanks” message.
  I was the guy who warned you about the chocolate being interpreted as romantic. But a far worse danger is going through life missing the opportunities to create beauty.
  You have an opportunity to create something beautiful and meaningful for this teacher, and you’ll only achieve that by articulating exactly how she helped you.
  Believe me when I say that, for adults, meaning is the thing we crave and lack in our life. Muffins can be obtained at the grocery store. A true, well-articulated and vulnerable communication of the way one has had a positive impact in another person’s life is a treat most people hear maybe once or never in their lives.
  I know it’s hard. But you did a good job of explaining her positive impact in your original post. All you need to do is re-state that while addressing her in a note, instead of us.

How about just an email. Keep it profesh.

If you know something she's interested in, try giving her a related gift. For instance, one of my professors really loved Chess, and ran a chess club at my college. I got him a Arimaa board, which is a different game based off of chess.
- I'd argue that there's not much worse than someone buying you something to do with your hobbies.
  In my experience it's always something you don't want, or already have
  
  There are certainly worse things than a thoughtful, potentially redundant gift related to something you care about.

As a teacher, I'd say a card as someone already suggested, or a book with a thank you inscription

In my culture It'd be the other way around. Perfume could be romantic or mean 'you smell'. Chocolade, self-made cake of muffins would be alright. Or something individual, a drawing if you can do it, a nice 3d print or whatever creative hobbies you have. Yeah and somebody said a book. Lots of teachers like to read, and you know what stuff they're interested in... It's probably what they chose to teach. Or just say thank you, you helped me a lot and influenced my life for the better.... You could also instead write it down on a nice card.

Coffee or tea
- Suggestions here getting weirder and weirder ಠ_ಠ
  
  Bruh, coffee or tea is way better and more appropriate than perfume. Think about it, if you gift a set of nice teabags, it's a nice pick-me-up for your teacher to enjoy between classes
  
  Coffee and tea are so much more normal than perfume or chocolate that I can’t even. I’ve gotten coffee from a coworker before, and appreciated it. I could imagine giving tea to one if I knew they liked that. It’s safe, professional, and a crowd pleaser.
  I wouldn’t even hazard a gift of perfume to my wife without some careful research first—too many ways it can be construed as “you smell” unless there is some sort of precedent such as knowing what she already wears.
  This post has been gold. Thanks for sharing your struggles with us.

Why not go with the classic: An apple.
- So I have seen this but idk what it is referring to
  
  Teachers are famously scared of doctors.
  
  It’s a common trope, in the US at least. The gift can be different in different countries. In the Philippines other local-made snacks might be brought for teachers.

flowers
- romantic

Don't overthink it. A good rule of thumb, for teacher presents, are something to keep, and something to use up.
Something to use up is obvious and fairly easy. Chocolates etc work, as does wine, or bath "pampering" sets. The main thing is that they get used up and go away afterwards. Avoid excessive clutter, teachers can get a lot of it.
Something to keep is harder. You want to avoid generic clutter. Whatever it is should either be legitimately useful, or small and simple to store away. An honest, and earnest note works very well, maybe a smaller card. If you have the skills/equipment there are a few other options. E.g. I made customised slate costers for my daughter's teachers, when she left nursery. They had the teachers face on them, with a thank you message on the back. The key was they would be legitimately useful. Keeping track of mugs is always a fun game, particularly in a teaching environment. They also didn't have the nursery name on them, so they could be taken with them, if/when they changed jobs.
In short though, don't worry. It will be taken in the vain you offer it in. Inspiring that response in a student is likely one of the things they love about teaching.

Chocolate is better than perfume for sure! But personally, I feel that it really doesn't matter. It's more about the way you give it and what you say /write along with the gift. Not knowing about anything that had gone on, I wouldn't be worried about it being misunderstood

Liquor
- Pretty sure just going downtown on the teacher is gonna come across as romantic

I have gifted teachers Cognac before. Some decent bottle of liquor if they're into that is fine. But early 20s might not be the target audience for brown spirits.
Make sure they're not alcoholic or a recovering one.

103 comments