Men over 30, what has been your experience with therapy? Did it improve your life?
Asking as I see more and more people talking about mental health issues, and curious to see if people could share their experiences.
Yes. I started during the pandemic when a significant portion of the people I respected suddenly deemed me as expendable.
I have a lung condition that put me at high risk, especially during the early days when there was no treatment available. Everyone I know with the same condition who got covid during the first ~8 months either is dead or has pretty severe long term damage that has left them practically bed ridden.
So when people I respected said they would not wear masks around me or even just stay the fuck away, I was the problem because sUrVivAl Of ThE FiTtEsT. I was unable to telework due to having a hardware specific job, and apparently it was too much to expect them to just keep their distance and/or wear a mask. Instead they would cough in my direction, literally say "I hope people like you die soon so this can all be over and we can go out to eat again" (ironically that same person still has a cough from their three months bout with covid in 2021). Yes I told them I had a lung condition, that only made the harassment worse.
I went to therapy for specific issues, how to handle the direct harassment and how to deal with having all the respect for a large amount of people disappear in about a month. I went through two different therapists on betterhelp. The first one was good at helping me through it, but they took more than a week to respond to messages. The second one was really good though. They really helped me just write off those people entirely, even if we used to be friendly those times are over and they made their choices. They also gave me some advice on how to convince my manager to provide reasonable accommodations and gave me a different office on the other side of the building.
I've been debating going back for some advice on some lingering health anxiety I still have from those days.
No. But I actually put it down to my therapist being a fucking idiot.
Ive lived a wild life, Ive had guns and knives pulled on me regularly while I was bouncing, there was drugs, street racing, casual sex, severe alcoholism... and he kept wanting to talk about "the trauma" and never once listened to the fact that I actually miss that life.
Its working a government job for the next 30 years to pay a mortgage on an overpriced suburban house so my daughter doesnt grow up next to crackheads that scares the shit out of me. When you're pinballing from one insane crazy situation to another you dont have much time to dwell on your bullshit.
But did you ever ask yourself if the life you missed could be any healthy, for anyone? Sure, you miss that life since it apparently took your mind off of your problems, plus you know how to exist and function in that life and have trouble in the other, but that could just be you coping and trying to ignore things.
Not trying to be another therapist here, I'm just someone who also happens to have led a pretty interesting life and who had to face the same questions.
And yeah, taking responsibility for someone else's life is infinitely more scaring, in particular if you can't yet trust yourself to do the right thing and not fuck things up royally, I get that. I like to believe it's also infinitely more rewarding in the end though.
Oh I squared my shit away with myself down the track. That guy just couldnt shake off the idea that my anxiety attacks werent a result of just good old fashioned growing up poor and without a dad giving me a crippling fear of failure (and if you dont try you cant fail) but had to be one of the many fucked up things I saw or was involved in... someone with as many scars and insane stories couldnt POSSIBLY be as boring as that.
Yeah it has, I just ended my therapy after about 2 years of in person weekly sessions. Combined with antidepressants at my lowest it formed an important part of me overcoming my depression. I had a lot of guilt about inflicting my depression on those around me so having an outlet for my thoughts and feelings that wasn't connected to the rest of my life was very valuable.
Its made me more resilient in terms of handling my anxieties - I can now deal with thoughts and situations that would have spiralled me into a deep depression before and can recognise and derail oncoming panic attacks before they happen.
It also made me realise how I was feeling guilty when perceived people close to me to be suffering emotionally (both real but often imagined) out of a desire to fix everything, even when they didn't ask or need me too, which was very unhealthy for me. Learning to stop that has decreased my stress significantly.
I recognise that some people really don't find therapy helpful, but I'd definitely recommend trying it with a few different therapists first before giving up. So much of it is down to your individual rapport with your therapist. There's also other options like group therapy, which I've also found helpful for coming to realizations about myself but less good for working through my issues.
Very interesting, thank you for your insight!
No problem, I'm always happy to share my own journey - I'm not perfect by any means but I am getting happier year on year and normalizing talking about these things has played an important role in that. You should never feel guilty for feeling and sharing how you feel.
No, I started going to therapy when I was 8 and have been on and off medications since then (over 30 years now). Nothing a therapist has ever said to me has helped me one iota, venting my frustrations at them kind of helps but I can do that with my wife and she doesn't seem to mind. I can't give specifics on what I did or didn't like as I have a terribly short memory but that was part of it, therapists are always trying to find a trigger in your past that can be addressed and worked through, I can't remember if I had one or not.
Actually, not all forms of therapy are looking for trauma / triggers, or even any kind of source for your issues. Behavioral therapy exists.
That being said, I'm sorry there were events in your life that made you end up in therapy as early as 8. That shouldn't happen to anyone.
I've tried 3 therapists and even online ones like betterhelp, and I got nothing out of them. Mostly pop-psych level interpretations of my concerns and uselessly generic advice. None accepted insurance and the reimbursement process was stressful enough that I just gave up.
Somewhat, while the therapy itself was only moderately helpful it did give me cause to get diagnosed with adhd and a depressive episode.
Having that diagnosis has been a big relief, knowing that it’s not me who can’t deal with the demands of real life, but an actual disorder that impairs my ability to function in that way. I’ve also been prescribed appropriate medication, in time I will know if that helps.
Seems to have been useful overall, thank you for your comment
I've also just been diagnosed with ADHD as a 31 year old, partly because of talking to my therapist and it giving me the confidence to follow through on forcing a diagnosis. I've just finished my tritration for Concerts XL and it's helping a lot, but now I need to unlearn a lifetime of bad habits that I used to manage it.
I had CBT for a while but didn't really gain anything positive from it, it wasn't necessarily a negative experience either, it just felt like a waste of my time.
I find exercising a lot has had more benefits to my overall mental wellbeing than talking to anyone, "professional" or otherwise, ever has.
Maybe I could benefit from opening up to people more but it has never really lead to positive outcomes when I have tried it in the past so I'll stick to exercise especially kickboxing to "work through" issues.
Yes and no. I’ve had a phenomenal couple’s counselor that saved my relationship. I’ve had other therapists where my basic impression was that I’d tell them a problem I had, and their response was that I needed to tell myself “it’s not that bad.” I don’t blame them, it’s very hard to rewire depression that I’ve had since I was 8.
I think you need to shop around for someone that works for you. It’s incredibly difficult, and frankly there’s not enough professionals to go around. You can’t be afraid to fire a therapist that isn’t working. You also have to put in a lot of work outside of your sessions. I can empathize with the people who said it didn’t work for them, it’s rare and complicated to find someone that can work with you and for you.
Therapy has mostly been a "control yourself for the benefit of others. Here's some sleep drugs."
I'm not allowed to do anything about the extreme injustices in my life.
Younger me was helped by a therapist because it helped me to realize I don’t need anyone else to be happy and I don’t need much to actually be happy.
Old me just started to see a therapist again, so I can’t say too much except that it helps being able to talk to someone and is worth it based purely on that.
Of course, therapy is free for me, so if you pay YMMV.
I have seen I think 5 different therapists. There were times I thought it might be helping a little, but I actually ended up feeling more often like the therapist didn't listen very well and I would often eventually conclude that they simply didn't care.
One of the therapists reacted terribly when I told them I had to stop seeing them due to financial concerns. He actually suggested I take out a loan, get a credit card, or ask my parents for money. I made it clear how important staying out of debt was to me but he persisted with those ideas. At that point I felt like a walking paycheck...
The other part I found difficult with a lot of the therapists is that they tended to ask boring questions and give very generic advice. I don't know what I expected exactly, but it felt less than what a professional should provide. I know the right therapist can be amazing but it's expensive so I keep saying I may try again but it's honestly a daunting task trying to find one who is worth the time and money.
100% the best decision of my life was seeking professional assistance. I started in my mid 20s and the amount of knowledge a trained professional has about dealing with seemingly impossible problems is worth every hour and every cent.
My experience with therapists, having dated one for several years and having known several others in my personal life, is that they're usually just normal people - often with traumatic pasts themselves - who want to help others. They don't have any magical therapising powers; what sets them apart from just venting to a stranger is that they're genuinely trying to help you, and generally know how to prompt you to be more introspective.
I think a lot of people put the idea of therapy - and therapists - on a pedestal, and people go into it expecting the therapist to just fix things in a nice, simple way. In reality, therapy is about venting, introspection, and attempting to give the person the tools to change things for themselves. It still takes a lot of work (and time) outside of the therapy session for the person to actually see change, and people who don't put in the time or effort probably won't see much benefit from therapy.
Finding the right therapist for you can also be difficult. You need to find someone you're comfortable opening up to, and who you feel "gets" you, which can be easier said than done. And then there's the pricing which can be an issue, of course. With potentially incorrect expectations, and not finding the right therapist, it's easy for people to try therapy and find it useless or actively bad.
As for my experience with therapy itself: I had therapy for some issues relating to sleep. The therapy itself didn't help me, largely because the therapist didn't necessarily have a better understanding of sleep than I did. Which isn't to say she had a poor understanding; I studied psychology in the past, and also spent time looking into sleep myself to try to resolve my issues myself before I went to therapy, so my understanding of sleep is well above average. But it meant she wasn't really able to help me. She did end up pointing me to a resource that resulted in a diagnosis for me, though, so it wasn't entirely wasted. And with what I was diagnosed with, therapy can't really help anyway, so I can't blame her at all!
I've never officially had therapy for any emotional issues or mental health stuff, although obviously having dated a therapist, there was a lot of "casual" therapy. I feel like I probably would have benefitted from therapy quite a bit before that relationship, but since then I do feel I've had the tools to deal with things myself more. I'm sure I'd still probably benefit from therapy, but I'm quite happy now so I've not felt too much of a need.
I've had a few therapists, but in the last few years I've kept up with it. It has been tremendously helpful. My biggest advice is that it's okay to change shrinks if it isn't a good fit. My last therapist turned out to be an amazing doctor, but she just wasn't a good fit as my doctor. We got along too well, we'd end up on tangents and talking like friends. It was a very awkward conversation, but I moved to a different doctor, and I'm much better off. Me and the last doctor are now actually just straight up friends.
Be honest about your needs, with the doctor, and with yourself. If you don't know why you're going or what it is you need, that's a good starting point for your conversation. Like most things, you get out what you put in. If you're not honest, you won't get honest help.
A one-on-one therapist wasn’t really that helpful for me. I just find it weird that I’m supposed to open up to a complete stranger and can’t help but feel judged.
However, in addictions counselling we had a group of 8 and one counsellor who would guide the discussions and we’d talk and learn about each other and get different perspectives without judgment.
I don’t do either any more, but having a circle of people you can open up to about anything was way more helpful than a therapist.
It’s hard to find that without going through some kind of program though, because most people are petty assholes who need to be right.
You really have to get lucky with your therapist, many of them are worthless.
Personally, it didnt help me much. It was nice to just vent, but I can do that without paying some guy.