Hey sis, you're looking ruley great today!

Hey all, I am locking this post. Here is the bottom line. Blahaj is a trans safe instance. Regardless of your personal opinion on whether a term is gender neutral or not, the moment someone tells you that they are not OK with that term, that should be the end of the debate. This is a good rule not only in Blahaj but in real life. Continuing to argue with someone about what they should or should not accept in this matter is harmful.

Honestly in my social circle "Dude" has basically become gender neutral.
- I'm a school bus driver. Kids call everybody of all genders "dude" and "bro". Also the n-word but that's a different matter.
- "Bro" is gender neutral for me. Though I still try to avoid it with transfems I don't know very well (which is... all except one) since I can't know if they'd tell me if it makes then uncomfortable. Since even if you know how it's meant it can still feel bad.
  One of the very few things where I'll change how I interact with a transfem vs a ciswoman
  
  "Dude" and "Bro" being gender neutral really varies from social circle to social circle. I always air on the side of caution although I've even seen some cis females call each other dude and bro
- Dude, man, bro, and "fellas" have all become gender neutral to me
  Edit: come to think of it not only has "bro" become neutral, but "bro-sephanie" has become something I use for guys.
- God I wish. I accidentally 'dude' my trans friends on occasion. I feel so bad.
- Going some 20-25 years back I recall some of my friends from English speaking countries using it as gender neutral, and I guess once I wrapped my head around it, that's how it's been for me. But your mileage may certainly vary.

As a transfem, I definitely appreciate this.

I still think guy/dude is gender neutral. Call it the Good Burger principle:
“I’m a dude, he’s a dude, she’s a dude, we’re all dudes… HEY!”
- doesn't matter if it isn't to whoever you are referring to
  
  Yeah I agree. At the end of the day I’m not going to disrespect someone by calling them something they don’t want to be called
- Yeah I use all those in gender neutral ways. "Man" can start a sentence and not be directed at anyone.
- My closest gender neutral family member likes dude, if you're in doubt just ask, they'll appreciate it
  
  Yeah I mean, I’m not calling someone dude or guy intentionally if they don’t like it. That’s just being polite.
  
  Asking and respecting the answer is true big brain <3
- Dunno, I use "dudette" pretty frequently with my girl friends (and I don't mean Egg Carriers™, nor do I have something better than "girl friends" - initially wanted to go for "chick pals" as a snappy equivalent, then I started feeling like That One Creepy Uncle). Actually use "dudette" more than I do "dude," it has a nicer sound to it.
  As I see it, "dude" is gender neutral when used as an interjection, same as "man" and "guy."

Soooo much appreciation for this 🩷 I think I'll forever mentally twitch when people use dude, man, mate, bro, etc. towards me. I totally know it's done in a gender neutral way, but I still feel a small pang in my heart.
- How's Homie sit with you? (I think Homie is a great gender neutral term!)
  
  Using a validating, non vaguely-male term is great, though!
  Most of the terms are like: "these are MALE terms and also girls can be 'one of the bros' in certain circumstances"... but that's just not what transition is about.
  We don't want to be "just one of the bros"; you gotta understand that:
  a) that's NOT what a lot of us after,
  b) the world doesn't revolve around men and being men and being masculine (and perpetuating that male chauvinism perspective is shitty),
  and c) it's okay to call girls, girls, and to be a woman. That isn't a negative or lesser or othering l thing, despite how much of society raises us to believe.
  I'm also not saying that we don't want to be included wherever we feel comfortable fitting in, we absolutely do. And I think a lot of allies understand that. But just as many allies understand that trans women feel left out from being included in feminine spaces, as well. And sometimes, while we may fit in better with the bros, way more than the girls, that itself can feel awful and really get the dysphoria going. Sometimes though, some of us realize that the dudes that are bros we realize are hot and dumb and we want to be closer to them for... different reasons.
  Personally, I'm poly and pan and just want everybody to get along and not have weird stereotypically forced gender segregated hobbies, interests, and cliques anymore because that's weird and uncomfy. I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore I haven't eaten today yet. Homie is fine, I guess, but borderline, personally. I don't know a better replacement.
  
  My long-time friend and hair stylist very occasionally uses that with me and her other girl friends. She uses it super occasionally and in such a loving way that it doesn't bother me as much. It's very context dependent with her since she's so caring and affirming to me and usually uses girl, sis, beautiful, babe, etc. If someone I didn't know used that with me, I'd probably understand it's being used in a gender-neutral way, but it originates from 'homeboy', so it still carries that slight weight.

Is it weird that I'm a Trans girl and I still use dude like so much?
And yet when other people use it for me, I feel like I have to ask how they meant it 😅
- dude isn't gender neutral?
  
  It really depends 😅
  
  ayo your avatar moves??
- Neuroplasticity is a thing, but it takes time and vigilance for changes to happen.
  
  Oh I don't see it as a bad thing. I'm just saying it's ironic.
- It's a little inconsistent, but don't beat yourself up too much. Language is complicated and slow to change, same as our usage of it.
  
  but don't beat yourself up too much
  Oh don't worry, that wasn't the spirit of my comment at all. If anything, I started using dude after my egg cracked. It fits with the chill, tomboyish image I have of myself.
- 6 months in and I still misgender myself sometimes lol. It definitely isn't a super easy switchover after decades of using something else.

Yeah I'm terrible at this. Almost put man in this sentance twice. I don't stop myself unless explicitly asked as it would be quite patronizing to treat them like they're somehow different than all the other women I call man or my guy however but when asked it's hard to stop. I do my best though
- I do my best though
  That's all anyone can ask for really! Mistakes happen, I even misgender myself sometimes
  
  Changing behavior, and behavior in language, especially when you have a connection to it from your youth, is really, really hard.
  I've been transitioning for over a decade, and I still say dude and man and stuff. Verbally and in text.
  I know better, it's just so ingrained in my online wannabe 90s/00s attitude/culture from growing up.
  Which is why the outward and vocal resistance to memes trying to change the behaviors and standards is so irritating to me. It isn't gender neutral, and only exceptions to the rule exist. Maybe if you acquired the terms/phrases in gender neutral contexts is it actually okay, but then THAT conflict of honest perspectives is a different subject, akin to using words like queer, and how they differ between generations.
  Like when I was really young, saying things were gay was just a part of language. Teachers would get mad and tell us not to say it, but like... We didn't hate gay people, we were just ignorant, and thought it was fun trendy language. And I see a lot of that and stuff like that in a lot of people still today. Did using gay just as a synonym for "bad" closet-ify a lot of people? Looking back, ABSOLUTELY, myself included. But I want to believe that most other people ALSO were too ignorant to be knowingly malicious about it and just got caught in a shitty culture, and thankfully that culture has changed today (for most people, I still occasionally run across a dinosaur still calling everything gay and it's quite a sight to behold, they look straight out of saved by the bell, but 30 years passed and they never stopped smoking).
- Your thought process makes sense and your effort to change when asked is appreciated =)

I always mean words like dude or guys as gender neutral, and luckily none of my friends have an issue with it, but I understand why some people wouldn't like that. Is there a good gender neutral replacement for the word?
- folks, friend(s), y’all, sweetie, partner, sport, buddy, ~~pal~~, chum, sunshine, fam
  
  WillStealYourNicknames
  
  Isn't "pal" masculine, with "gal" being the feminine version?
- I use 'my liege' and 'boss' quite a bit.
- Folks.
  Kenji Lopez alt signs off with a shout-out to "guys, gals, and non-binary pals" so there's that
  
  The Lawful Good version of "bitches, bros, and non-binary hoes"
- I think I had a couple iffy uses last week but friends always know I mean well.
- Pal?
  
  Pal, friend, and bud all sound... idk, somehow condescending to me? I don't really know why. I think the best one I've been able to think of so far is y'all.

I work as a bartender and call the most feminine cis gendered women the world has ever seen bro, brother, mate and man. I don't even want to do it and always feel embarrassed afterwards I'm just a chronic bruh poster.
- I was working at this fancy upscale botanical garden and instead of greeting the patron with a very formal "Hello, welcome!" I said "Sup?" with the chin up and everything...
  I died a little inside that day.
  
  Wassup!

I used to use "man" in a gender neutral way a lot. Like "hey man" or "what's up man". Probably a '90s kid thing. But here's the thing, it's not about how I feel about the word. It's about how the person getting called that word feels about it. So I've made a conscious effort to stop using it. It's really not difficult to not be a selfish asshole.
These days, the only person I still say "hey man" to is my weed guy.
- Whenever anyone says "hey man" to me I respond with, "no, not anymore" and they tend to get really confused.
- I still say “hey man” to my weed guy
  That's like their formal title lol. My last dealer (4 years clean now) was a woman and I always said "hey man" to her.
- I used to say "dude" and "man" to everyone. It was pretty easy to give up "dude", and I just kinda seamlessly switched "man" to "fam."

https://www.etymonline.com/word/dude
Interesting suggested etymology, I'd never have thought dude about the type of person described there.

Earnest question -- sorry if this is offensive or something everyone already knows -- but shouldn't you treat transwomen and ciswomen the same?
- I mean, mostly, yeah. The issue is, while most people will say dude is gender neutral, it really depends on the person.
  I'm trans, I have two friends who call friends dude. One is a woman who I have known for like 5 years and will call everyone and everything dude. When she says it I don't feel weird about it.
  I have another friend who says dude is gender neutral and I've known them for about the same amount of time. However, I have never heard them call a woman dude. They say they do, but I our mostly female friend group, I think I've only ever heard it towards me.
  That's really the issue. People will say it's gender neutral but not use it neutrally, and believe me, trans people notice it. Anecdotally, this is how my trans friends view it as well, but take my experience with a grain of salt.
- You are not wrong. But trans folks can be a lot more sensitive around language use sometimes. Misgendering ranges anywhere from annoying to hurtful to being an actual verbal attack. So their skin is often less thick for gendered language.
  
  is using gender-neutral masculine terms like "guys" misgendering?
- Yes. If I know or suspect that a certain word can potentially hurt a cis-woman I know due to her unique history, I won't use it around her, either.
- Yes but this is more like not telling 911 survivors plane jokes or rape survivors rape jokes
- Trans- and cis women are both women, but that doesn't mean they are the same in every way, no?

I have a brit friend. Rough guy and personal security specialist (ex military). His funniest quirk to me is how he will use "honey" and especially "sweetheart" with anyone, regardless of gender and with absolutely no malice.
EDIT: LOL, this was meant as a response to a comment I can't even find now. Sorry, didn't mean to reply to main.

My pre-teen daughter calls me "girl" all the time. Like something "what you mean, girl?"
My favorite though, is taking all their slang words and using them. They hate it.

Fuck, this is my daily struggle. At this point if I realized I messed up in text I let the conversation go for a bit then quietly edit that part out, because when I used to apologize I ended up just calling attention to the problem, which was annoying to my friends and caused it to hit worse.

One of the best feelings is saying "What's up dude/man/bro" to some one who's recently transitioned to male.

I call my female friends dude/bro/man every time
- Again, not a universally appreciated thing to do. Both cis and trans ladies from many parts of the world would dislike this
  
  I see, well I certainly wouldn't do that with a trans girl, it's like calling them by their deadname so a bit disrespectful

Real. I don't have a lot of female friends so I had to adjust a bit.

There is a single person in the world I call Bro, and it's my actual brother, who is transmasc.

I feel kinda like an outlier in that I never used dude/man/bro pre-transition, but now that I'm openly enby and on E I use them reflexively with my friends. For some reason it feels like an expression of my queerness now. I also have friends who call everyone "girl/sis" and that rocks too, but I don't tend to use those words myself. My sister calls people "girliepop" and I find it delightful. I tend to wait to use any of the words with new friends before figuring out if they're cool with it though.
I also tend to call everyone they/them unless someone tells me what their pronouns are explicitly (or via button or something), I don't really like gendered pronouns. It makes for a funny situation where I use they/them for basically everyone except trans people.

Me but like with everybody despite my very grown up job and wife
Bruh is just so fun to say okay?
I started to say “that’s a bruh moment” instead of genuinely committing to the “bruh” and it’s made a small difference

What I did was a mental find+replace. Find 'bro,' replace with 'friend.'
- holy shit same except fren and sis maybe fren is instead of dude or man and sis is specifically bro
- Oh, I like this. Americans should all convert to Canadian out of distaste for what's going on in America.
  Lol this does insinuate that previously, Canadians were less desirable hahahaha I love you Canadians but I'll never get tired of teasing youuuuuu <3<3<3

Awww!! Thanks! ☺️

Me being transfem and suddenly using these more often because my brain hurts and my boobs hurt 😭

I've done this a few times, and I hear myself doing it and alarm bells go off, and I can see them trying not to react to it, and then I try to overcompensate by using it more and more to prove how gender-neutral I consider it, but I think I eventually end up digging a hole and squatting in it. 😢

I use them so much, to me theyre gender neutral terms.
- doesn't matter if it isn't to whoever you are referring to.

I call women dude all the time, its become so gender neutral nowadays.
- It's not to everyone. Especially online, where people from all over the world meet.
  
  It's so forced that we're kind've getting used to it. Tell people that think it's gender neutral to "have sex with dudes" and see how they react.
  It's always just been about stubbornness and the unwillingness to change, despite being extremely contextual, at best. Force the overall culture before changing a shitty perspective of seeing your trans friend as masculine person that fits into your group of guys. It's really toxic, selfish, and manipulative imo. And because boys are hot and I'm dumb and weak, I excuse it sometimes, but I really shouldn't, we should all know better.