24h ago

Accepting my Identity

I don't want to turn this place into my personal journal, so hopefully this is the last post of its kind that I do here (I do have a general question in mind to also post here though). Although I do wish this place was busier so that people could discuss their journeys without feeling like they're taking over, or feeling too exposed.

On the subject of labels. I am sticking with non-binary now and deciding to make the conscious effort to stop thinking of myself as an imposter or invader, whether I ever actually take any steps towards HRT or not. I feel 99% sure that if all of this stuff was openly discussed and accepted in my country when I was a kid, I would've read the definition of non-binary and been "Yup! That's me!" Just like when I finally read the definition way too late in life. And if that had been the case, I feel like a lot of things in life would've been better and made sense or felt fairer to me.

As far as HRT goes, I am very open to trying, mostly to see how it feels. I feel like as long as I have only ever known having T in charge of things, and have never experienced E driving me, part of me will always feel like an imposter. Reading up on the effects of switching to E, almost all of it sounds beneficial to me. Except for one of the two irreversible effects, breast growth. This is the difference between doing this without needing to explain anything to anyone and publicly coming out. I have seen people report that it starts fairly early. And I already have a kinda prominent chest and reason to believe it would end up being quite hard to hide.

Either way, it's not on the cards soon due to finances, living situation etc. And either way, I would still be non-binary because I am also 99% sure that if I was AFAB but still had the same personality and experience in a binary world, I would've also read the definition of non-binary and been "Yup! That's me!"

So for now, I'm actually happy owning this body and by extension the way society looks at me for a while longer. I'm happy being GNC at most for now. And I'm going to use this time to work on my mind, work on a regular income, work on my general health, work out, and prepare for what the future may bring.

If anyone responds here and I don't respond and / or upvote and stuff right away, it'll be because it's currently 2am here and I've finally fallen asleep. Although I am planning on another joint and cup of coffee.

5 comments

I'm kinda in a similar spot. I look like a standard issue dude and am fine with people seeing me as one. I prefer it actually because it's easier and probably safer. I've managed to stop feeling like an imposter for the most part but I went through a lot of trial and error 😅 Presenting androgynously would make me an imposter because I'd just be doing it to fit in when in reality it's just not the type of enby I am. I'm fairly genderfluid and my wardrobe does reflect that but in a subtle way. If someone thinks I shouldn't be in queer spaces because my experience isn't hardcore enough or whatever then that's on them. I've had enough insightful conversations with trans and/or enby people to be able to confidently ignore haters because I know this is where I belong. HRT would be interesting for sure. I think I might just try progesterone at some point to see what the feeling is like. But if boob growth is the only thing holding you back it might be worth considering that it can be hidden with a binder or mitigated with surgery.
- Transfemme here, and I just wanted to say that anyone who refuses to accept you in a queer space would be a hypocrite. You're valid being you, whatever you happen to be feeling that day! A good friend of mine has an afab child who realized they were non-binary in early high school. They're in college now and doing just fine, though still exploring what that means to them. Just like we never stop learning our whole lives, I don't think we ever stop discovering things about our own selves, either. I didn't come out until I was 40, and there's a long road ahead of me to find out just how far down the femme road I need to go to feel right, too. Just hang in there and be the you that feels right! That's valid and should always be accepted!
- Yeah I'm in that trial and error part of this myself. But hopefully starting to come to the end of that now and growing up a little lol. As far as style goes, I think I've always leaned towards androgyny anyway. Looking back, I actually leeched quite a few aspects of my style and taste from women along the way that I wasn't sure if I wanted to be or be with.
  Although I mean, still mostly men's or neutral clothing. But I've definitely noticed that my style is on the border enough where if I have short hair and facial hair no one bats an eyelid but if I have long hair and no facial hair I'll get the occasional double take. I have been mistakenly called ma'am or miss once or twice in my life (with the person correcting themself after more than a glance) before I even had this awakening, just from being a long hair lol. Most of my shit is getting old though. Plus I think I'm wanting to push boundaries a little more now.
  And now I've spent like 90% of this post talking about clothes 🙄 As for HRT, I've definitely been lurking and exploring for long enough now to know that it's not a requirement for being non-binary. Despite everything I said in my main post, I definitely do wish I was AFAB for a lot of reasons and feel dysphoria a lot stronger on some days more than others. So I guess HRT would mostly be treatment for that. But also curiosity to see what it would do for my mind, with or without dysphoria.
  And I'll definitely be looking at binding methods and stuff for the knowledge but I do have doubts about how realistic / comfortable / healthy binding larger boobs daily would be. Not that it's a guarantee that I would end up with big boobs but I highly suspect I would.