3d ago

Question: My significant other is having major trouble making friends.

Hello, thanks for taking the time to read this. I hope that my SO can read some of your responses and realize that shes not crazy, and Its a major issue with alot of us.

She is 25 and has debilitating social anxiety, She is working on it and making good progress. She has a small group of friends online and talks to them regularly, plays games with them and ever since she started talking to them Ive noticed a huge upswing in her moods and demenor. Lately shes been trying to branch out and meet more people in other online spaces.

She has expressed to me that people seem to just know something is different about her, or they seem to interact with her differently than everyone else. I tried to explain (from my perspective) as a fairly autistic individual (undiagnosed cant afford). That yes people can just sense neurodivergency, and will treat us differently. however I, being raised by extremely extroverted parents am very good at masking.

She, on the other hand doesnt "feel right" hiding herself behind a mask to make people feel comfortable. I tried to explain that, thats just how people are, everyone to a degree is masking. The people who dont, often get a lot of respect for being "real" and or put down by others for being overwhelming or annoying.

Ive tried to offer tools to meet others somewhere in the middle, where i believe most people exist. mirrorism Is a tool that I frequently use to guage the extent of what i can and cant say to someone. I also have a "nonchalant" attitude towards people in general which I think makes people feel comfortable around me. This frustrates her, understandably. Because she cares alot about people and wants to build meaningful friendships. She looks at my tools as being fake, and even points out others within her circles that are unabashedly themselves that get treated better or are more "noticed" even if shes been around longer.

This and other factors are of life are often sending her down these spirals of thinking that are difficult to comfort or reason away, since alot of what shes experiencing is determined by other people who themselves are not always of sound mind. She thinks people dont like her and that shes not "worth" the attention. She is a wonderful presence and cares so much about me, her family and everyone to an extent. I find it frankly unbelieveable that any of what shes telling me is grounded in reality.

Im hoping that a few people sharing thier own experience and tools to work through the spirals. Will both motivate her to keep trying for friends in spite of the cruelty of people, aswell as offer a fresh perspective on being "real" or "fake". In regards to talking to new people.

18 comments

Are there any causes / charities she's interested in?
Places like animal shelters and community theaters always need volunteers.
Good way to help folks and get positive reinforcement.
- Great suggestion, and a place to meet people aswell. Ill see how she feels about this. Might be something we do together, Thanks!
  
  Good luck to you both.

You mentioned being unable to afford diagnosis, so mental healthcare is likely out of the question. This sort of thing is probably better handled by professionals but I'll offer some perspective regardless.
I'm not neurodivergent, though it's likely that everyone is a little "on the spectrum" because that's kinda how spectrums work. Because our brains may be wired slightly differently I'm not sure my thoughts will be as valid or valuable to your situation.
It’s my opinion that there is no fundamental "self", and rather believe your self image is merely a reflection of all of your prior actions. This generally means that masking is not really a fundamental change in behavior from your "true self" but is rather a step in actually changing what you perceive yourself as.
Fake it til you make it is a terrible saying, but it does apply here.
I act differently with every person I interact with, I adapt to who they are and their values, this adaptation is not what I would consider masking though perhaps you would. Due to this simple system of adaptation most of my peers would consider me well liked and successful.
There are some fundamental rules that I won't adapt into, moral boundaries that I don't cross, but as long as it's benign I have no problem being a sports fan with some crowds, a strong rights activist among liberal audiences, a sweet person to my grandparents. All of these are parts of who I am but the part of me that gets shown to each person isn't necessarily the whole picture.
It is important to be comfortable with your own actions, if it feels fake and disingenuous to act differently around different people then why force it? Life is about enjoying who you are, where you are, and what you're doing. Learn to experience and accept your current situation and stuff like this won't matter.
- I appreciate your answer, but please try not to echo the idea that "everyone's a little on the spectrum", it diminishes the struggles of people who are actually on the spectrum & deal with those disabilities every day.
- Thank you, and your thoughts are always valid and valuable even if I or anyone might disagree. The more perspectives the better imo.
  She very much agreed with your last point. but has trouble understanding the need to mask in the first place. She does not consider things like "not swearing around children or grandparents" or just being sweeter to them in general to be masking. Could you maybe explain your feelings on "being a sports fan" for example (you may actually like sports). But as someone who doesnt, I have been at events and settings where it was simply the comfortable thing to be. I wasnt lying to anyone but I definitely was asking more questions and cheering for something id normally have near zero enthusiasm for. I have trouble getting my ducks in a row to express something we seem to do so naturally.

I had self confidence issues when I was younger. I didn't feel like I was bringing enough to conversations and would end up staying silent, which made it worse.
I decided to try being funny, so I just started watching a lot of stand up comedy and trying to improvise jokes in the shower. It really helped my self confidence and eventually kind of worked. People love to laugh so it's an easy way to make friends.
- Great idea, any specific suggestions? I used to watch alot of stand up but their content was very raunchy so it wasnt really her thing when id show her. We both enjoy bo burham even before he became famous. And lately weve been seeing clips of morgan jay that have had us giggling and quoting.
  
  Whatever she likes is definitely best. It's more to get a feel for their inflections and timings then the material. It might be advantageous to look up women comics I suppose. Maybe it would help more since a lot of it has to do with tone of voice.

Why does she need more friends? Sounds like she has a solid thing with the small group. More people are not necessarily better. Took me until I was mid 30s to realize that. Quality over quantity.
- Great question, some of them are in other states/ countries making timing a big factor. She often feels alone for days. I will say, the quality of this group is very high. Genuine people who care about eachother. But with work and school some of them simply cant be there as much as theyd like to be.

I've been going through involuntary social isolation from physical disability for over 11 years. I can throw myself in to my interests and curiosities to largely replace any real world social needs. Lemmy is my only external contact with other humans in general. It would be harder if my mother and father were not around. I rarely ever talk with them but coexistence and the opportunity to do things for them is of some benefit to me.
There are people in far worse situations due to worse disability. There are people that live in rural isolation. People have survived on remote islands, and people have survived for long stretches of solitary confinement and emerged without life altering problems. Look at someone like Professor Hawkings and living with ALS as an example. The things and places one can visit and explore within the human conscious experience are enormous. It only takes curiosity and the will to go find them. I believe this to be the primary mental health solution needed to survive any situation.
I had to totally reinvent myself after a broken neck and back. I'm naturally introverted and driven by curiosity. I threw myself into new desktop hobbies that were far less physically demanding. After the first 10 years I am now degraded to the point where I am forced to reinvent myself to accommodate more strictly bed based interests on a computer. I don't worry about things that are outside of my capacity to change. I cannot shape people into a tenable social situation where I can be myself, so I don't worry about it at all. People that normalize negativity towards strangers here on Lemmy are particularly toxic to me, but that is the only really troubling toxic social engagement I encounter. That is less than when I had a lot of casual and close friends. That's just my $0.02
- Normally Id say im sorry to hear about your situation, but you seem the defiant type. So i assume that would be taken as pitty or an insult. Instead id like to say that you and people like you are in my opinion the most genuine specimens of humanity your defiance in the face of adversity is truely an inspiration.
  That being said, do you think its healthy to compare belly aches? I am not accusing you of doing so, but your words in this paragraph
  There are people in far worse situations due to worse disability.
  To me express the idea that "because others have it worse you should be grateful". This to me is obviously true, but to someone deep in depression or any other dark place in their life could easily be interpreted as, "suck it up". So when dealing with friends and family in some sort of mental spiral. I tend to heavily avoid this line of thinking. Even it is the cold truth they need. But maybe im wrong?
  I don't worry about things that are outside of my capacity to change. I cannot shape people into a tenable social situation where I can be myself, so I don't worry about it at all.
  This is probably the most helpful bit for my girlfriend (her words), but she mentioned that her social anxiety makes it impossible not to consider every single word and action of those she interacts with. How do you "deal" with not being able to change reality? I feel that ive acheived something similar, a state of neutrality towards the chaos around us. How would you go about helping someone along that path?

I just accept not having friends. Lol.
- This is me and she cant stand it. She always says things like "how can you not care!?!". I am very much into my hobbies and itd be nice to share that with other but... meh

I have found religion to be helpful in finding some sense of community but that can't really be forced and you must be wise in selecting a religious community. Though for the most part I find myself in a similar situation to your SO except I don't have a partner either. I am looking for hobby based groups but most are only found by word of mouth. I have tried several internet searches.

18 comments