3w ago

TransLater and unsure about how far to go in transitioning

I'm 30 years old (soon to be 31). I'm a new trans woman (still working through how I might accept it and see myself). I'm unsure how far I should go. I've spoken at some length on other communities about what it feels like to be "ugly and masc". I realize feeling like I can't "pass" as a fem is partly due to deeply rooted transphobia. I have what most older men have: masculine distribution of fat (bit of a belly), hairy everywhere, fears of balding (so far not yet), deepish voice, etc.

If I had no friends or family, I'd probably just go all in: hormone therapies, voice training, surgeries, etc. But I feel like I need to pass in front of my immediate family since I'm sure I wouldn't be accepted. I love them, but they wouldn't get it.

I don't know how far I should go with transitioning. I am currently considering growing out my hair, shaving, and trying to do exercises that conform my body to a more stereotypical feminine shape. Is there a lot of risk in hormone therapies and voice training? Is it hard to go "boy mode" after the fact? What about being 30+ years old and starting it? Should I just accept I'll never pass?

33 comments

I was pretty much in your exact same situation less than 2 years ago. (A little bit older than you, though.)
What really helped me was to not use passing as a precondition for transitioning. Instead I admitted that HRT and social transition were likely to help my mental health and well-being compared to not taking HRT or socially transitioning, and that those improvements justified transitioning even if I never passed. My well-being required it, so I needed to do it.
I never thought I would pass, but the reality is that you never know what it will be like unless you try.
This video is what finally cracked my egg and caused me to transition, it might speak to you - it's about common excuses used to avoid transitioning.
There are pretty much no "risks" with hormone therapy, esp. if you do injections or transdermal routes. The only "risk" is that you will have permanent boobs. You may become infertile, but also you may not - so if you want to have children, you might seek fertility treatments to freeze sperm for the future. If you don't want children, use protection and don't rely on HRT to make you infertile.
Otherwise there is no real risk. You can even take HRT for a few months without risk of any permanent changes, and this can really help you get a sense of whether it is right for you or not. I would highly suggest taking HRT as the first step.
The risks with voice training are mostly just vocal injuries from overdoing it or training improperly (e.g. manipulating your anatomy like forcing your larynx up and pulling a muscle, etc.) - my suggestion would be to find a speech language pathologist who has experience working with trans people to help you with voice training. There are also a lot of online resources, like Selene's clips and TransVoiceLessons. There's a Discord server for the /r/transvoice subreddit, and you can upload clips there and get feedback and help. I suggest that in addition to seeing an SLP.
Just remember both HRT and voice training are very long term projects, changes occur over months and years. Starting as early as possible will help, esp. being in your early thirties it is so much better to start now than starting later.
You can decide on surgeries later, and those can take years to make happen anyway (e.g. vaginoplasty generally requires 1 year of electrolysis hair removal in the genital region, and in the U.S., insurance companies require 1 year on HRT before any gender affirming surgeries will be covered; then once you find a surgeon you can be on a wait list for a while depending on the surgeon).
When I first transitioned I just wanted an orchi, I was pretty sure I didn't want a vaginoplasty ... well, things changed for me and by 6 months into HRT I realized I needed a vaginoplasty. Just be aware that your experiences might shift as you slide into womanhood.
Obligatory: read The Gender Dysphoria Bible and the Intro to HRT for Transfem People.
When I first transitioned, I certainly accepted I would never pass, but here I am a year and a few months later and I am passing all the time. You never know until you try. Lots of people transition even older than you and have great results, it is never too late.
Also, my experience with boy-moding is that people who knew you pre-transition will continue to see a man because they selectively see what they expect to. They might notice you are looking younger and so on, but they might literally not notice you have grown breasts, etc. (One of my neighbors told me I looked 10 years younger when I shaved my beard, this was like 6+ months on estrogen and I had breasts and was even changing my voice with him.) So that has been my experience, and the experience of others (read Julia Serano's Whipping Girl, she has some examples too). I know a trans woman IRL who never came out at work and I would say she passes completely as a woman with obvious breasts and soft features and long feminine hair, etc. - and her colleagues are clueless and still treat her like a man.
The issue you might run into is that strangers will start to see you as a woman, and as you begin to pass more and more, there can be confusion for the people who knew you pre-transition, they will wonder why others are getting your gender wrong (because they can still only see a boy / man). So for example, going to dinner with your family, a waitress might refer to you as miss or ma'am and that might confuse your family - they'll just wonder what's wrong with the waitress, though.
Feel free to ask me any questions you have, my DMs are open. I wish you luck 💕
- As usual, Dandelion has a fantastic and well-composed response. I'll add to this that I am in a similar situation though I started HRT and voice training only recently. You can absolutely switch back and forth with your voice. If you don't believe me, YouTube has several examples of this (TransVoiceLessons' Clover is spectacular here, along with Zoey Alexandria) and the HRT side of things is more about your mental health in the early stages. You can stop if it's uncomfortable!
  As for family, friends, and other "obligations": they need to accept you as you. Consider this: if you were in a car accident and lost a limb, would they love you any differently? This is part of your existence as a human being, just as it is mine. The reactions of others to your identity is on them, and not you. You don't control them or how they feel. You control yourself, and how YOU feel. If you feel miserable in dysphoria (I did!) and think it's bad now, wait another decade. I promise, it does NOT get better. I held off for 11 years because I was afraid I would hurt my spouse. I would put them in danger for being associated with me, I would jeapordize our relationship, I would force them to choose between us and their family. The list of excuses was endless. It turns out, I was welcomed with open arms. Just consider that we, as a "minority population", have one of the highest suicide rates out of all other "minority populations". Please, PLEASE don't be a statistic. Be you.
  
  just want to echo everything you're saying here, completely agree. I keep trying to think of a way to explain it, it's really hard to come up with the right analogies. Being trans has so much to do with identity, but before I transitioned I know I wouldn't have ever been motivated by something as trivial as "being me". I didn't care who I was, and I suspect a lot of trans people don't feel at home in themselves or care that much for who they are, esp. if they have survived into adulthood without transitioning (it indicates coping strategies are at play which may help distance from that suffering, including dissociating from issues of self identity or gender).
  Everything you're saying is right, though. The reality is that being trans isn't a choice, it's the way we were born, and once you realize you're trans, it's not like you can choose not to be trans. You can choose not to transition, but it's like choosing not to take medication - you will suffer, people around you will suffer. It's not a reasonable or valid choice, it's self-harm. And it's not safe, it ends with early death for many of us. To my mind, it's unethical to not transition, to risk dying and to choose suffering for yourself and those around you.
  But all that sounds so silly if it's just about identity, which is why I try to emphasize the significance sex hormones play in mental health. It's not just wanting to be a woman, it's biology - men get depressed when you put them on estrogen (e.g. David Reimer and Alan Turing), and women get depressed when you put them on testosterone. The brain seems to respond to the sex hormones, and the way I see it is that my brain just doesn't function correctly on testosterone. In all sorts of weird ways, here are some examples from before I started estrogen:
  drugs impacted me more extremely (caffeine felt like cocaine, cannabis caused hallucinations and dramatic psychedelic experiences, etc.) as though my brain struggled to maintain a homeostasis,
  I had regular intrusive thoughts and anxiety (like not being able to sleep because some part of my mind was obsessing about the ceiling fan dropping on my stomach),
  I had constant passive suicidal ideation and sometimes intrusive ideation that was so distressing I would have to actively struggle to stay alive and not hurt myself,
  every single night I experienced nightmares some of which were traumatizing and involved bizarre bodily experiences like sleep paralysis and sometimes I couldn't get out of the dreams after waking up - I would move around and still be stuck in the dream,
  melatonin increased probability of paranoia and sleep paralysis demon experiences,
  in general life was unpleasant and I was known for being grumpy,
  I struggled with basic executive functioning and something like going grocery shopping once a week or having plans over the weekend required taking the next weekend or two off for recovery (and even then sometimes I didn't recover enough)
  I could sleep 12 hours every night and I woke up most mornings not feeling fully rested
  After estrogen:
  drugs impact me far less and are more like other people's experiences
  my intrusive anxiety disappeared around 3 - 4 months on estrogen and I just don't experience it anymore, I would say at all
  passive suicidal ideation is gone and I feel life-affirming for the first time since I was 13, and suicidal ideation only occurs when I have bad days, usually when I feel acutely worthless, guilty, and low self-esteem (like making a mistake at work, getting in an argument with my spouse, etc.), and the ideation goes away and doesn't persist past those acute moments
  I no longer have nightmares every night, and I have normal dreams and have only had one trauma dream since starting HRT (which I think may have been caused by sleep apnea)
  I no longer experience paranoia or fear regularly before falling asleep, and I haven't had any major parasomnias or sleep paralysis since starting HRT
  melatonin doesn't seem to cause paranoia or sleep paralysis anymore, but I also haven't experimented enough - so take that with a grain of salt
  watching estrogen wane and testosterone come back I watched my anhedonia come back, life is literally just more alive and pleasant on estrogen and more flat and unpleasant on testosterone - I no longer engage in as many "craving" behaviors, I don't depend on eating lots of tasty food to make life worth living, I no longer chase video games or TV just to feel a modicum of happiness
  my motivation and energy is greater and I get so much more done on estrogen, I can have a week where I have to go out of my house for appointments every day of the week and I don't need weeks of recovery later - I actually enjoy having weekend plans now and opt to have social plans for the first time in my life
  I sleep 8 - 10 hours and feel rested more than I did before with 12 hours
  Like, I don't know about you, but it's like a completely different life on estrogen - I see estrogen as medically necessary now, even if I don't think of myself as a woman or you put all the social aspects of transition aside, there is some very real medical reasons for me to block testosterone and replace it with estrogen. With this perspective, transition just doesn't feel like a choice, any more than taking insulin feels like a choice for a diabetic.
  I know it's not like this for every trans person, there is so much diversity - some trans women don't do well on estrogen at all. But the clinical lens is often based on generalizations, and I tend to assume people are more likely to be average than exceptional, and that for anyone with gender dysphoria to consider at least trying HRT to see if it has similar benefits as it does for many of us.
  I know plenty of trans women who report no mental changes, and I have read reports of trans women who have worse dysphoria on estrogen. We're not a monolith. It's just worth sharing my experiences and the reports of so many others who are like me in case others are like us too. In my case I feel like transition was life-saving, I just want others who don't know yet to be able to be happy and healthy too.
  Not sure how to condense all this into a believable and easy to communicate blurb, though 😅
  Maybe: "born an X and want to be a Y? transition, it might save your life!" I dunno, just sounds exaggerated (esp. trying to look at it from my pre-transition perspective).
- I have read the Gender Dysphoria Bible but not the intro to HRT for Transfem people. Your anecdotal evidence gives me a lot of hope and courage for sure. Thank you so much for all of that feedback.
- Right now, the biggest blocker for me is fertility. My wife and I have a child already but we are planning on more. I don't want to risk losing fertility for now.
  
  There are plenty of trans women who pause HRT and regain fertility and are able to reproduce without any additional steps, but I would talk to a doctor and get a referral for fertility treatment to play it safe.
  Either way, I wouldn't let the potential of fertility issues keep you from addressing essentially an endocrine disorder.
  That said, I remember being pre-transition, I would find any rationalization I could to not transition, so I get it. Even after transitioning I still felt so much fear that I would go through waves of attempting to rationalize why I should detransition or why I'm not really trans, etc. There was immense resistance to the whole idea, on so many levels.
  I know it's probably hard to understand or believe me, but on the other side of things I cannot believe I didn't do this decades ago, there is so much grief at how much of my life I lost. I would do anything to go back and ensure I were on puberty blockers, or even to just start HRT when I was 20. It gets so much worse, your body continues to androgenize even in your 30s and 40s, the voice deepens, body hair shows up where it wasn't before. The mental effects were the most significant to me, it's like I'm waking up and starting life for the first time - only now realizing how little I was alive before.
  But it's your life, nobody can tell you what to do, we can just hope you take care of yourself. ❤️
  Finding a therapist who is trans affirming has worked with trans patients before can be helpful, a lot of us needed it during this early period of coming to terms with being trans. It can also help later as you might need them to refer you for HRT or write letters for surgeries.
  Either way, just know you have a community here to help you - you're not alone. 🫂

I started to transition at the age of 44. Wife, no kids (fortunately), and a semi-public career.
I held most of the fears that you do about passing, still have my doubts, but after 10 months of hrt, passing is much less of a concern.
Hormones have been the greatest antidepressant. Seeing my body slowly shift along with my emotions has been the greatest confirmation that I’m doing the right thing for myself. I actually feel like I want to live now. I want to keep going.
As far you should go. Who knows? That’s entirely up to every individual. Some people find peace in the mere realisation that they are trans and make no changes at all. Others need to socially and medically transition as quickly and completely as possible before they’re happy.
There are as many ways to transition as there are trans people. Try exploring a little bit with your presentation and see how that makes you feel. Just feel it out step by step and see what feels right for you. At this stage I might suggest not even thinking about it as transitioning to female but more about figuring out who you are as an individual.
Personally, I got on estrogen as quickly as possible. Months before I came out to friends and family (my wife knew from the start). 10 months later and I’m pretty much still boymoding but in women’s jeans and T-shirts.
My look is becoming rather androgynous though. I keep getting “the squint” as people try to get a read on me. 😆
Best thing to do is find a therapist who specialises in gender issues. Mine was invaluable in the early months.
- Hormones have been the greatest antidepressant. Seeing my body slowly shift along with my emotions has been the greatest confirmation that I’m doing the right thing for myself. I actually feel like I want to live now. I want to keep going.
  This is why I started estrogen, I couldn't mentally handle thinking of starting HRT with the goal of becoming a woman, because I felt I never would be a woman and all of that was just too painful. So instead I set a more achievable goal: transition just to improve my mental health, just to feel better.
  Estrogen made me life affirming for the first time since before puberty, I had no idea I was even depressed before, but I am so much happier and "normal" on estrogen. I had no idea this could be the case, I didn't even know trans people were impacted this way, it was shocking to me when I read about "biochemical dysphoria".
  I remember after first taking estrogen that whether I was trans or not, I would happily take estrogen as a recreational drug. That was a bit clarifying, as no matter whether I decided to continue transition or to live as a woman, I knew that estrogen felt amazing and I wanted to keep taking it. That estrogen might someday make me look like a woman was just a bonus. :-)
  
  Funny thing was, I was so scared of not passing that it took quite a few sessions in therapy to find the confidence to just ‘try’ hormones.
  As the weeks passed and changes started I became more and more comfortable with transitioning. I remember a few weeks in there was a moment as if a switch was flicked in my brain and life went from black and white to colour. I was walking in the evening and started crying at how beautiful the sunset through the trees looked. I’d never experienced emotions like it!
- Are the hormones pretty expensive?
  
  I live in the uk so I diy. I can get approximately 18 months worth of hormones and injection supplies for £100.

I was in a similar situation before I transitioned. 34, typically male presentation (hairy, slightly overweight, male fat distribution). I decided to start with things that weren't as "scary" to me as hormones- hair removal, voice training, getting in shape, growing out my hair. Pretty quickly I decided I wanted to start hormones.
The way I approached it was that I wanted to feel more feminine. I didn't really have an end point, but I figured I would walk down that path as long as it felt comfortable, and if it felt too much, i would stop. Eventually, my goal was to "blend" rather than pass (to me, the distinction was not being bothered in public, but maybe still having features that people would pick up on, but at a glance or in short interactions it wouldn't be super obvious).
I ended up having a very successful transition, and I pass better than most trans folks I met. I attribute it to a couple of things - voice training (I had an excellent instructor and I worked my ass off); learning about fashion and finding a style that accents my feminine features but that isn't overtly sexual, and hairstyle - lots of different looks can help soften or hide more masculine features.
A lot of it comes down to luck with genetics, and while I don't discount that, I also believe my hard work played a large factor, too. If passing is your goal, there are specific things you can focus on yo help with that. At the end of the day, the reason you are transitioning is a big factor in how you should approach it. I experience euphoria more than dysphoria, and the social aspect of being female was more important to me than specific parts of my body, so I focused on things that would let me experience society as a cis woman does, as much as was possible for me.
If you want to walk this path, walk it as far as you are comfortable going. The only person who determines where the finish line is, is you.
- I'm hoping I can get lucky with my genetics. I definitely don't have it in the face lol but maybe if I lose some weight it'll help.
  
  I met up with some friedns for brunch this weekend and one of them said "Your weight loss is going well and you don't look like you're cradle-robbing anymore.". My spouse and I were very confused, since we're almost the same age. Estrogen and weight loss together are the literal fountain of youth. My personal favorite weight loss tool that isn't "eat less" was getting on Zwift. Plus, cycling helps with your legs and butt. Wins all around!

But I feel like I need to pass in front of my immediate family since I'm sure I wouldn't be accepted. I love them, but they wouldn't get it.
Have you talked to them about this? I hope that they would be more accepting than you fear. Most people are.
Even my deeply conservative religious family reacted better than I expected. I mean, it still wasn't good, but it was far better than I was fearing.
Should I just accept I'll never pass?
That's a question lots of Trans people struggle with. Shoot, there's even a few songs about it.
What I will say is that "passing" is really more for broader society anyways. Once you surround yourself with people who accept you and support you, those people will see you for who you are regardless of what your body looks like. Self-acceptance and self-expression are not only more realistic goals, but I'd say they're more fulfilling.
While I can't bring myself to feel this way about myself, when I look at the other trans women I know, I think they are absolutely beautiful. Even the parts that are more clockable. Hell, especially those parts. Being trans is beautiful. Our identity is something to be proud of.
And when you find the right community, that's how they will make you feel. They will make you feel seen and accepted and loved and celebrated in your entirety without the need to hide any part of who you are.
Because you are beautiful. Even if you don't know it yet.

I started transitioning at 41, and that was 8 years ago. You've got this.
As for the rest of your post, you're putting the cart before the horse. Your priorities will change. What you value now isn't what you'll want in a year or 5 years. That's because not only will you change, but the world is changing and your family and friends will change with you as well, as the relationships you have with them shift.
The advice I can give you is focus on what feels like a good next step at that moment in time. It's not about knowing and planning a specific future or outcome, it's about giving yourself permission to explore, and experiment and find out what works for you. It's giving yourself permission to acknowledge that this is all new, and you don't have the answers.
I guarantee that your relationship with cis passing as a goal will change. I'm not saying it will go away, just that for newly self accepted trans women, the focus on the medical and physical steps of passing is often all consuming and the lens through which we see our journey, but it rarely consumes the same amount of headspace for trans folk that have been out for a year or two. Again, I'm not saying it will go away, but as you journey down this path, the things that will matter to you most will change, and invariably, they won't relate to cis passing in the way you think they will.
So for now, give yourself permission to explore some things, and start exploring. And then just keep doing that.

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