Really struggling with my gender identity

I just really don't know how to feel or what to do or how to figure this out for myself so if anyone else has been in my shoes I'd really love some advice

[For context I'm in my 30's]

Sooooo growing up I knew that trans people existed, and I knew about androgyny which I was very fond of, but it wasn't up until my mid 20's that I had learned about genderfluidity or nonbinary identities. Once I heard it described, it just clicked with me and immediately I felt that that is what I was, nonbinary. This was around the time that gay marriage became legal in California, so really these terms were not widely used at all outside of queer communities. As a very young child most of my interests aligned with my gender assigned at birth, but even into 2nd and 3rd grade it was very obvious that I was more interested in hobbies and things typical of the opposite gender, and this has remained static. The things I liked, the ways I dressed for the most part, my choice in friends, my sexuality, the way I talk and kinda move around the world was more reflective, in my mind, of the "opposite gender". There were characteristics, however, that up until learning that I could be a third, secret gender (lol), were in alignment with my AGAB, so I never identified as anything but.

Now I have identified as nonbinary/agender/transmasc nonbinary for close to 15 years, but over the past few years I've been feeling like I am really not actually anything other than cisgender. Being misgendered by others still REALLY bothers me...But due to my experiences in the world and how I've always been perceived, I really do resonate with the experiences of my AGAB, especially when it comes to experiences of gender based violence. I feel like in my brain I slip and call myself my AGAB more now than I used to. I'm in relationships with people where it looks like a straight relationship. I don't really belong to any queer community, so I'm used to people constantly misgendering me, and it just feels like I'm always perceived as my AGAB even when gendered correctly.

I don't take hormones, I've never had any type of gender affirming surgeries, and I generally don't want to change my body. I have body dysmorphia, but that I think is more due to societal expectations of what my body is supposed to look like/chronic verbal abuse focused on my body. I have thought about hormones, I have wondered or wanted my body to align with my gender more but never to the point of feeling that I need to change it. But at this point, I feel like I should resign myself to just being cis. ADMIT to being cis....and I just feel like a fraud. I still bristle against the idea, but I just feel like I'm faking it, and have been faking it because no one else sees me as what I want to be seen as....But that's the thing, do I just WANT to be seen as someone else, or NEED to be? What's the difference? I feel like I would NEED to take hormones, or want/need surgery to really ACTUALLY be who I feel I am...Especially since I've had more and more thoughts that feel cis??? Is the only way I can describe it. I feel like my identity is not much more than a choice of pronoun, and I just feel like I'm cosplaying or something....So I don't really know what the fuck I am or how to figure it out. It's just one more thing to perseverate about and I wish I could just not think about it. But I don't know how to get there.

3 comments

Once I heard it described, it just clicked with me and immediately I felt that that is what I was, nonbinary.
Being misgendered by others still REALLY bothers me...
Just typical things cis people say...

But I think what’s holding you back is the fact that we live in an extremely cis-normative society, where enbies have their existence constantly denied from all sides, especially AFAB enbies. So it doesn’t surprise me at all that your self-perception is suffering from going through that every day.
Maybe a little thought experiment could help you a bit: Imagine you’re the last person on earth. No society to judge you, no peer pressure, no gender roles. Just you. Do you see yourself as cis now or still as an enby?

Oh, the feeling like a fraud thing. It really hits hard for me. There seems to be some kind of expectation about what growing up as trans, or being trans is supposed to be like. Not in this community, but at least in media, where if it comes up, it seems like everyone figures out that they are trans in their teens and immediately starts dressing like their opposite gender (and usually pass pretty well).
I also never particularly had the kinds of experiences where it feels like I have to transition no matter what, or that in my teens I'd figured everything out. Because let's be real, who has their life figured out before they are 20-25? And how is someone like me (idk if this applies to you), who was raised to "fit in" so harshly that I have nightmares about missing homework assignments supposed to all of a sudden completely change how I present myself to others?
And yeah, pretty much everything that you are saying also applies to me to a lesser extent. I've also rationalised it as gender fluidity, or at least being non-binary. I think if you want "evidence" of not being cis (I also had this problem), just know that typically cisgendered individuals just don't really have these kinds of thoughts. It's not something that most can relate to.
But that's the thing, do I just WANT to be seen as someone else, or NEED to be? What's the difference? I feel like I would NEED to take hormones, or want/need surgery to really ACTUALLY be who I feel I am...Especially since I've had more and more thoughts that feel cis??? Is the only way I can describe it. I feel like my identity is not much more than a choice of pronoun, and I just feel like I'm cosplaying or something
I'm not sure how helpful this might be to you, but back when I took a deep dive into egoist philosophy*, it really helped fix a lot of self esteem issues because I was able to unlearn, or at least identify many of the all pervasive phantasms that haunted my mind, and the minds of everyone socialised in modern society.
Obviously it took a lot more than reading philosophy to get to the point where I decided to take hormones (not saying that you have to, you just need to get to a point where you can make a decision about what you are going to do, because I know just how agonising the indecisiveness is). However, a lot of the problems that we face come from what we have been taught, and how we have been socialised. Reflecting on this can be valuable, even if you disagree.
Also, I don't think that learning some cool philosophy will really be such a bad thing

*it could be other types of similar philosophies
- Not in this community, but at least in media, where if it comes up, it seems like everyone figures out that they are trans in their teens and immediately starts dressing like their opposite gender (and usually pass pretty well
  I think this is something that maybe adds to this anxiety; specifically when it comes to social media and online discourse around transness. Like I need to recognize that social media isn't necessarily going to show me different facets of transness I guess, but I just don't have many people irl who can counterbalance that. I also think the "fitting in" to my assigned gender was something that was pushed on me quite a bit as a kid and early teen, as well as just needing to be "normal", kinda. Like I always dressed like a tomboy, my dad hated it, I'd get bullied or teased by peers, or I wasn't very desirable which I think maybe played into it. I'm primarily attracted to dudes, so not being a very femme girl doesn't really help in that department, especially as a teen. Which is something I'm just kinda realizing right now, that maybe part of my weird anxieties over cisness has to do with the male gaze or wanting to be "accepted". Like my partner has expressed that he would be fine if I transitioned, but even now I get anxiety about not being "attractive enough" (which I tie back to presenting as a typical woman), which is like a whole other thing that compounds it. Good lord lol
  You've made me curious about this egoist philosophy stuff now. I think that could be really beneficial for me, the way you describe it. Do you have any book or podcast recommendations??