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  • Breaking News: Iraqi Muslim Doctor Marxist-Leninist has a different view on casual sex than Anglosphere Internet Marxist-Leninists; Anglosphere Internet Marxist-Leninists are compelled to opine that he's wrong.

    • I'm not quite sure how to take this framing. I can't speak for others, but the main problem I had was the claim that "the research is absolutely clear on this" (it seems to be mixed) and the use of vague generalizing language to say why and how it's a problem. My criticism primarily had the west and its research in mind, and patriarchal thinking generally, which is a problem in many countries including places like the US. If there is research in other cultures and languages that tells a much more clear picture about "casual sex", I will happily consider it, but am only fluent in the one language sadly, so it would be difficult to find such things, much less understand them.

      Basically, I'm not sure what him being, as you say, an Iraqi Muslim Doctor Marxist-Leninist, has to do with this. He even made a point of saying it's not about "prudeness" and that there are "secular arguments for general social and sexual modesty." Between that and the focus on what "research" says, he appears to be arguing within the context of secular science, not within a religious basis, so isn't it only natural for his claim to be addressed in that context?

  • As someone who was fairly deep into hookup culture, take this as just a single data point, so anecdotally.

    Hookups were great when both parties are on the same page and there's open communication and understanding that this is all it is. If both parties want to hook up again, that's ok too.

    But you don't develop emotional bonds with anyone you hookup with, nor should you. You also can't easily date someone you were hooking up with, there's too much baggage from you both to sort out first and it's never worked out for me or anyone I know.

    At some point you will get exhausted by the constant hookups, and the draining effect it has on you to be at the top of your game in all respects, only to roll the dice every time on whether or not you're sexually compatible with your hookup.

    The sex can be good, or bad, but usually it's mediocre. Occasionally you'll hook up with someone you're highly compatible with and the first time never stops, so through the night and weekends and into the week, sort of thing.

    The soul crushing experience is when you meet someone like that and want the great sex to never end and emotions start interfering for one or the both of you. The issue is you actually have no basis for a relationship, it was founded in a primal desire. Turning that into a functioning long term relationship was impossible, at least for me, every time it was tried. Even if you're both willing to give it a go because the sex is great.

    This is all not taking into account the added stress of having to be super careful for STIs and having awkward talks if not and explore where your comfort limits are at. It can be very stressful, and you're typically getting tested at least once a month as that's what it typically expected for you to have a "clean" bill of health for a hookup partner. Often that conversation never happens though and you just kinda cross your fingers.

    Anyhow, when I stopped hookups, I was looking for an emotional connection. Someone I could just be my real self with and who I could watch and enjoy things I liked doing in life, with a partner. The sex is less important as you can build off that with someone who you have open communication with. This lets you try new sexual activities that are cumbersome or awkward with hookups (e.g. Roleplay). Even if the sex isn't stellar at first with your long term partner, my experiences have been it gets steadily better the more you communicate with each other and talk and are open to trying new things that gently push your boundaries in a healthy way together.

    So, did it do emotional damage to me? Maybe. But so do divorces and rough breakups. Hookups were a way to protect myself emotionally after a really, really bad breakup. So in a way, it absolutely helped me heal until I was ready for an emotional connection with someone again. A lot of people in hookup culture fell into this bucket I discovered, though there were definitely the men and women that did it because they were emotionally stunted and this is all they wanted out of life. Sometimes they stay with it for their whole life, and those kinds of people tend to be real sociopaths in general. Not sure if it was because of the hookups, or if they preferred hookups because they were sociopaths, but either way they're not people you want to spend a ton of time with outside of the hookup.

    Anyone claiming to have some blanket statement or belief that applies across the board is probably full of shit. Like everything, it's a spectrum. It works for some for a period of their life where they want physical intimacy without emotional burdens. That's the category I fell into, but there's dozens of other situations and reasons in additions to the ones I've already mentioned.

    So whoever this Hakim guy is is likely full of shit and has zero personal experiences and likely just confirmation biases the supporting articles to confirm his existing beliefs. Because if he really knew what it was like, he'd understand like everything else, it's never black and white.

  • Thanks, but I don't need a youtuber saying what is and isn't "psychologically destructive" for me. I've had plenty of casual encounters and I actually think that if most of my serious relationships were actually just casual encounters I would be a lot better off "mentally".

    So, I'd say the opposite. Committed relationships can be terrifying, destructive and can change you entirely as a person as that is what they demand if you want to improve yourself for the other person and all of that could still be for nothing other than yourself when the other person decides they're tired/bored of you. At least with a casual encounter, there isn't anything expected on the table nor anything emotional at least for me.

    Does the West need a better hook-up culture? Yes. Otherwise though, if he is offering "personal opinions" based upon constantly changing psych research then I think I'll just tuck it in the "Youtuber Takes" pocket.

  • Historically psych research has ranged from wildly pro-sex, treat a handjob like a handshake to no one should ever have sex other than to procreate. Saying ‘the research is very clear’ is just wrong. In general, the number of topics that can be considered very clear in psychological research can be counted on one hand.

    Personally I don’t think any of it is meaningful outside societal context. In a very conservative culture, having casual sex could lead to judgements from third parties that significantly impact one’s life. Hard to say that’s the fault of casual sex more than it is a case of violating a taboo like any other. I don’t know of anywhere this is currently the case, but I think we could imagine another ‘sexually liberated’ culture where not participating in casual sex could lead to suspicion among others pretty plausibly too.

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