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Hi! Just wondering how you folk were feeling today.

As for me, I had a rough last few weeks, but on Friday I started getting out of my funk thanks to the much needed and valued support of a friend.

Finally feeling a bit better today after getting part of my mess together. I still have some stuff to fix before I feel well, but the improvement is nice.

This got me to thinking how you guys were doing, cause idk. Talking about how I was feeling and the problems I've been facing with my friend helped me a lot. I thought a space to share or vent might help someone else.

Would really appreciate it if we tried to keep it supportive and non judgmental too. We don't know what it's like for others, after all. Thanks in advance. <3

So anyway, how are you?

Edit: Gonna go get something to eat now and have to get some work done, but will be back in a few hours. Take care and thanks to all of you that have shared!

86 comments

  • I keep telling myself that I'm doing ok and everything is fine, but at least once a day I suddenly collapse and start quietly sobbing. It usually happens in the shower, but it can happen anytime I have a brief moment alone. Only lasts for about 1 to 5 minutes and then I'm back up doing whatever it was I was doing, but its happening more and more frequently, and it's getting harder to pretend I'm not overwhelmed by everything.

    There is so much chaos and uncertainty. When I look at the state of the world, it feels like giving up and screaming incoherently into the void is somehow the most rational response; and that trying to keep going is the real insanity.

    • I'm really sorry. That's a lot. Sounds like you're having a really bad time. I hope I had a solution for all of this but the truth is I don't and no one probably does.

      Even though it's painful to think about, maybe it's ok to accept things aren't fine, though... Cause you know.. maybe they're not. Maybe it's better to focus on the here and now and our inner worlds and come to terms with what we're feeling, have our grieving processes and then be more practical.

      To me instead of saying "ït's fine. it's fine. it's fine. it'll all be fine" I started thinking "Everything's screwed and nothing is fine.... but that's ok. that's how things are now. this is reality."

      It's like the acceptance of things not being good as a possible state of being allowed me to stop running and I became more pragmatic. Cause it seems that for many, things aren't fine. The world is in a state that has lots of us deeply worried, but among all the chaos and the risks and horrible things that are happening there's us, the few inches in front of our faces, how we feel and how we treat those we care about. And that's basically it. Everything else is just stories.

      I decided to accept the world as a broken place and manage the little capabilities I have for the better support of the few I have the power to make a difference on, and idk it's helped. I'm not saying this is universally good advice or helps anyone on a collective level, ofc. I don't know you or what works for you.

      My point is we can always come to terms with our grief and be pragmatic about the those we care about, regardless of our different ways to handle it. Seeing the world go to hell is a grieving process too. In my case accepting my own inner pain has at least spared me the pain and fear of running away from it.

      I don't know how well this applies to you and I understand it might not be anywhere near what you were looking for. I'm sorry. I really am. The world's a mess and we're all supposed to act normal. I wish it wasn't like this. The problem is it is, and we feel the way we do. So are we just gonna keep denying being overwhelmed? Just keep bottling it up all day every day?

      idk. It's ok to be sad, mad, scared and overwhelmed. They're not pleasant feelings, but they're just feelings. They only have power over us when we try to escape from them

      You stay strong and take care of yourself. Thanks for sharing and I really hope things get better.

    • 🫂❤️

  • My brain is like a planet with a very thin crust with a black hole inside. Everything I am is built on this extremely delicate shell of stability, and sometimes it seems like I spend most of my time clinging to the edge after having fallen through. Medication makes the shell thicker and more stable, but there's still a black hole in my head and it's never going to go away and I'm so tired of fighting falling in.

    • That sounds really hard to handle. I'm sorry.

      there are some aspects of my personality and person that took me a long time to come to terms with and accept because they seemed all bad to me. No possible upside. With time, thought, I came to understand that those aspects of myself have different value depending on context and situation, and sometimes, although not often, being the way I am in those ways I hate is great and a huge advantage.

      Idk if this applies to you, but idk. Surely black holes are good for something? Maybe their power of attraction can somehow be channeled.

      Either way, sorry you're struggling with that. Good luck.

      • In the metaphor, the black hole is nihilistic, all-consuming, apathetic depression, and I just want to stop struggling, let everything fall apart and fall in and kill myself

  • Feeling really good! 😃 I'm aiming to get my passport so I can travel the world. The destinations on the top of my list are all on different continents. I've already got so many plans laid out and I've been spending the past week or so mentally prepping myself by watching videos about airports. I haven't flown in a while and they're gonna be long haul flights!

    • Ooooh you're gonna get that fresh passport smell!! mmMMMmm plastic that lets you cross gates with armed guards. :D

      Congrats on the awesome goal and it's good you're making plans! Videos of airports sounds umm.. well, I guess you gotta get psyched somehow. hehe. I'm really glad you're getting in the right headspace too.

      I hope you get your passport soom and have amazing, wonderful adventures everywhere around the world, and all your wildest dreams not only come true, but are surpassed beyond your imagination. No, seriously. I hope you have good travels. The time I spent traveling changed my life for the best.

      Godspeed, Elaine Cortez. Godspeed and thanks for sharing a little bit about your life. :)

  • Feel like shit in general since January, not only because of global events but also because of various shitty things happening in my personal life that coincidentally occurred around the same time. I have to say that when it seems like the world is actively on fire and burning down it severely affects my ability to compartmentalize. Like there's an extra layer of gloom over everything.

    It's nice out today and I'm not feeling particularly awful, though. I made mini chicken pot pies so I'm looking forward to lunch.

    • Hi, Cid.

      First of all, really sorry to hear that. It really does seem like the world is getting messy and having that mix up with personal stuff can't be fun. Sometimes to me it's like when it rains, it pours.. Like why can't it be one thing at once in manageable intervals? When stuff goes down for me, it feels like everything falls apart at once.

      I'm sorry you're dealing with all that. The gloom can be brutal. It ain't pretty, but I think you have the right attitude. You know... appreciating a good day and feeling good about being a bit better kinda makes the weight more bearable. And chicken pot pies sound pretty damn good. Not gonna lie. haha.

      Really appreciate you sharing and I hope things pick up for you and all of us. Have a great lunch! :)

  • Just general melancholy.

    I have had severe trust issues my entire life which has led me to being very alone. I have gone to many many many therapists and not a single one has ever been able to tell me something I don't already know.

    I know why I got this way. I know how it manifests. I understand where it infects my relationships and how it effects others.

    No matter what I do I cannot fully let anyone in. Obviously I trust people to varying degrees in my life, but even those closest to me (Mother/Father) I do not trust implicitly.

    People say things like "you just have to trust people again" which feels akin to telling depressed people to "just be happy" again.

    Every time someone gets close to me I lock down and keep them at arms length. I was explaining it to one of my exes recently. She is probably someone I trust the most and I told her it's like doing a bellyflop. I am all aboard the trust train and then right before impact I flinch involuntarily. I can't stop myself. No matter how hard I try I just cannot relinquish control and I end up stopping people short.

    Another analogy I have used is that there is a wall. Everyone I have ever met or known is outside the wall. Including me. I don't even trust myself entirely. Some people are allowed closer to the wall. Very few people can even lean up against that wall but nobody has been allowed over that wall as long as I can remember.

    Anyways I once again hurt someone recently because of my inability to trust and I felt really bad about it. I have a lot of self hatred and anger directed at myself because of it.

    What's confusing to me is that I am actually an unbelievably open book with anyone. Anyone can ask me any question about anything in my life and I will answer it honestly if they want me to. I can't get this book any more open... And yet I can't trust anyone fully.

    So I'm 32 now and I haven't had a serious relationship since before covid. I have had a few dates and FWB situations since then, but they always get emotionally attached and I end up having to end things because I know that path leads nowhere and I don't want them wasting their time and energy on a guy that's never going to let them in.

    I'm feeling a little better about everything today than yesterday but still pretty shitty today. Just trying not to eat away my sadness like I want to.

    • Well that sounds hard as hell. Sorry, MoreFPSmorebetter. Really sorry. And umm.. can relate. A whole lot, actually. Like, your issues sound so much like my own it's nuts. I feel deeply represented by your struggles.

      I also try to keep maximum honesty and try to let people in, but it feels like part of me just won't open up to trust, no matter how hard I try and truly want to be seen by someone. Anyone, sometimes. It's like There's always an emotional tightness inside me somewhere that is clenching on something intimate, for some reason, and will not let go for anything. Like part of my heart is for no one. Not even myself. It is only to be hidden and locked in at all cost.

      Your post actually gave a lot of insight into my own condition, so I appreciate you sharing and I think I'll benefit from your story. I wish I could offer something in return, but beyond hearing, relating and knowing what it's like I have no tools or solutions that help with the core issue. If I did, I probably would be out enjoying my life instead of trying to feel better about myself and exorcise my deeply rooted shame by trying to help strangers have it better here... So I guess, in some weird way, something good is coming out of all my bs, for someone at least.

      Despite your issues being unresolved and causing you pain, I don't think your progress is meaningless. It gave me insight, anyway. If anything but that, it's something I'm grateful to you for. Thanks for helping me introspect.

      I guess what I really feel is that the future is uncertain for those like us, but I know I become a better person when I have hope for myself. I treat myself and others more kindly and carefully and with more consideration... Even if they never get across the wall, I make my best efforts to throw them things that might be useful to them from behind it. I really do.

      I eat my sadness away too and have been doing so the last few weeks, and i'll tell you something... It hasn't helped. The void's still there. The situation doesn't change. I just feel more guilty and more ashamed, only with a full stomach.

      I think I'm gonna go get something healthier to eat now. It's way past lunch time and I've been starving myself. Thanks for the reminders, please treat yourself with more kindness and umm... idk... good luck. I sometimes have faith in myself, so I can definitely have faith in you.

      Some day we'll tear down the wall. Some day.

      Thanks for sharing. <3

      • Let's just promise that if either one of us figures out a solution to our trust issues we let the other one know the secret.

        In a weird way I'm glad to hear there are other people with the same predicament I have. Until you nobody has ever really seemed to understand what I'm talking about. So while it still sucks at least I know I'm not the only person who has been unable to cross that line.

        Thanks for letting me have the mini trauma dump. I hope you have a good day.

  • Weird. On one hand, everything is dandy. On the other... Self-hatred is simply weighing down on me and while I know I have to work on it, it's been 2-steps-forward-1.5-steps-back type of deal.

    Human psyche is fucked up. You can have everything you might need, be as successful as you can be, but if there's anything gnawing at you, no matter how small it might be, it will murderfuck you to the deepest pits of mental hell

    • I hear that, Metju. I really do.

      Most of the most miserable moments of my life where during times i had everything "on paper", as in... the check list of "things you need to be happy" was complete. Nowadays I'm poorer, unhealthier, have less friends, have a worse job, no partner, and basically have nothing glamorous to brag about... but I'm about a hundred times happier than I was back when i had the full checklist.

      It's funny cause I want some of those things back now, despite knowing how irrelevant they are. There's something about me wanting to lie to myself about how important those things are and my happiness being up to them and not myself.

      Yeah, human psyche is fucked. I guess the lies we tell each other to get status, money or votes we end up believing and then we go on these wild goose chases.

      I'm sorry you're dealing with self hatred. If it's of any value to you at all, you seem like an insightful person and I appreciate you taking your time to share your thoughts and feelings with me.

      Take care, Metju.

  • A bit all over the place lately. I found out I’m having a kid, which is very exciting, and pretty much the thing giving me motivation at work right now. I work in a kitchen and generally like what I do, but upper management is awful and it’s only going to get worse. We got a new big wig recently, so now a bunch of changes are being made to make us more “efficient”.

    I’m considering a career change, but I’m planning to take full parental leave (8 weeks for fathers where I am) when the baby comes in the fall, and plan on also taking my vacation during that time (either right before or right after), so I want to wait until that’s all done first. I’ll probably look for a new job in the new year. Some days it’s hard to wait out that long though, today was rough. If every day is like today I don’t know how I’ll make it through the rest of the year. I expect a mass quitting soon if that’s the case.

    • Well first of all, congrats on the kid and good for you for owning up on it and adapting to their arrival. Might be scary but seems like you're handling that well so kudos. I'm sorry the days are hard right now. Hope you can make that career change work. To me it's been weird. Opportunity comes at the strangest times and to me it's all been about keeping my eyes open. Good luck and thanks for taking your time to tell and and us about your life. Much appreciated, cod.

  • My dad died in December, I've been on long-term sick leave for 15 years due to my "action paralysis" anxiety, I lost contact with absolutely everyone (including doctors etc.) due to my inability to even answer my phone, lost my benefits (not sure if that the correct word in English, but in plain words, I stopped getting money). I missed two rents and almost lost my apartment. I managed to make contact with my mom and we've now spent a month doing everything we can to get my sick leave back, but my new doctor is not good. And for some fucking reason a drug test showed a false positive for tramadol (I've never taken that, and haven't taken anything other than my medications) so now we have to fight my doctor because she made up her mind that the reason I lost contact was because of drug use and not being willing to get better, which is complete bullshit. I'm lucky I'm in Sweden, where help exists in ways it doesn't in many other countries. But this is my worst experience with the health system, and I'm already at the edge of a cliff with my action paralysis. We have pleaded to get help before the end of this month so I won't miss another rent, since that would pretty surely be the last drop so I loose my apartment, but all meetings we've gotten (4 different ones) are in April, so now we're desperately trying to get someone to understand the situation so we can get help. I've only had food enough to survive, nothing "nice" like snacks or anything, I've of course been unable to pay for music streaming, cloud computer for gaming and much more. At least I've been able to get my medication and enough food to not starve, but it's not a good life right now.

    • Sounds horrible. I'm sorry about your dad and your action paralysis sounds brutal. I can definitely relate too.

      I've struggled with it too up to my late 20s and my brother had a very serious case of it. For me, I stopped answering the phone for years during my depression until every last person who cared about me just stopped calling. I remember one day came where I realized it was my birthday late that afternoon. No one had called. Not a single person. "Well, this is it. You did it, Pudutr0n. Congrats." I thought to myself.

      I can't blame them either. I wouldn't take calls or answer the door. I just refused to live. I didn't want to take part in society. I didn't want to face the pressure of being judged by others for my every word, the state of my life and my lack of accomplishments. I felt shame about every ounce of my being and guilt for not ever showing up or picking up for anything or anyone. It was bad.

      On some level I just wanted to disappear into not being remembered by anyone so I could take my own life in peace, knowing no one would care.

      But that day never came. For some reason some people never, ever ever stopped caring. And depression can be horrible and push you to be a dick to people too. It did in my case, anyway.

      When I started showing up again, there were some people who were just happy to see me. They didn't care about the long list of failures I had accumulated, my lack of achievement, how weird I am, how I threw my life away, gained weight or had absolutely nothing to share. They didn't want anything from me. They were just happy I was showing up. At first I couldn't conceive the concept of unconditional care/love, but i'll tell you. It exists. And not just by friends either. Some mental health professionals are this way too. On the other hand, some are psychopaths too, so there's also that. heh.

      I'm sorry you're feeling the way you are. I'm sorry you can't get out. I'm sorry you're being blamed for something you didn't do. I'm sorry you have no ways to give yourself joys. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. It sounds horrible and I'm sure you don't deserve it.

      There's nothing to be afraid of and there's nothing to be ashamed of regarding other people though. If I found anything at all during all my years of darkness, it's that regardless of life conditions, there are some things that never stop mattering. In my case a big one was loved ones. I didn't want to see them because I valued them too much to expose them to myself, and seeing their disappointment when they looked to or talked to me would have destroyed me. I felt bad about shutting them down. I really did. Not because of what I lost, but because I hurt them. I was on this constant insane guilt trip about it too which didn't let me do anything to change, well, anything.

      Anyway, I don't know how it's like for you, but I would advise you to take a good look at what's still important to you and who still cares, because that information will be priceless for the rest of your life when you get out.

      If you're experiencing shame and guilt, just keep in mind the people that would want you to feel embarrassed, insufficient or not enough in any way because of your life, what you look like or what you've been through, those people are meaningless. You wouldn't want to spend 5 seconds with them to begin with, even if you were on top of the world... and the people who wouldn't want you to feel this way... they are the ones that matter, and guess what? They stick around. When they think you want them to, anyway. And they don't care about the stuff you find so unforgivable or the questions that would make you feel "not enough" at a dinner party. They just care about you cause you're you.

      Maybe identify these people. They're important. In my case, many of them are online, and some are family. It helps to talk to them when I feel I'm feeling bad, too. If you reach out to them, they'll likely respond too, even if you feel bad for doing so.

      INo one can get out of this for you and idk how long this will last but know this: when you do get out, you'll have crystal clear notion of what and who truly matters in life. And that, my friend, is something of immense value.

      I have faith in you and hope you make your way out of the hole soon.

      Take care of yourself, M137. You deserve it. <3

      • Wow, few can relate in the ways you've expressed, I haven't been able to sit down and read your whole comment yet but the bits I've read show you understand. Thank you, and all the best to you! I'll come back and write more once I have the energy. Hugs!

  • I have unresolved feelings of extreme guilt for abandoning my loving ex, for abandoning my sibling when they needed me most, for abandoning anyone who depended on me for support.

    I'm okay day to day with caffeine to help focus my thoughts on the task at hand, but sometimes after too many coffees I lie awake at night spiralling into my head, living out fantasies of parallel worlds where I betrayed no one and am loved by all.

    I ultimately dont think I'm a very nice person, and tend to act unconsciously towards my own self-preservation and interest. Writing stuff down helps, but I've decided to bite the bullet and go seek actual help.

    • tend to act unconsciously towards my own self-preservation and interest.

      I don't see that as a fault. One must take care of themselves first, then if possible, take on the burden of others.

      Many people do the opposite and tend to everyone's needs but their own. Then they fall apart at some point, never fulfilled.

      You may have codependent friends or family like that skewing your perception of what's best, causing you all this undue guilt.

      • I do agree with that, but my problem is that I think I've been taking care of myself and only myself for my entire life already

    • Well that sounds like a lot to handle, tetris11, even with the caffeine and distractions... and those spiralling thoughts at night don't sound like a picnic either.

      I don't know if you're a nice person or not, or the quality of the decisions you've made. Even if I knew everything you've ever done, though, I wouldn't be qualified to decide that imo. I wouldn't know what the experience of being you was. I wouldn't know how you had it. How well or bad you feel. How being in your shoes is.

      I'm glad you're seeking help and I hope it gets you through this... and this is just a thought by someone who knows nothing about you, but maybe you could also, in parallel, try to be a bit compassionate with yourself. Maybe you messed up and maybe you caused damage, but also maybe... just maybe.. you were also suffering, didn't know what to do, were scared, or in pain or mad or whatever. I don't know... Maybe your needs and circumstances aren't meaningless in the context of your decisions, you know? Maybe your inner world also matters. I also often experience extreme guilt and you know what it doesn't do? Help me. At least until I take a determination on how to act in the future... In my case It's 90% self flagellation. And whatever it is for you, I hope it becomes less painful.

      I really hope you feel better and I'm super happy you're taking the initiative to fight those inner demons. Stay strong and keep fighting to improve! <3

      • Thanks, and yeah there definitely is an aspect of self-flagellation, since I'm not quite sure I actually want to forgive myself just yet. We'll see.

        How did your Friday happen? Did your friend reach out to you, or did you reach out to them for support?

  • I spent the last seven days in medicine that gives me brain fog because I have a dental abscess that is expanding my jaw. I have a root canal for another tooth tomorrow (later today technically, it's after midnight now). I'm tired. I'm tired.

    • That sounds really painful. Sorry you're going through that. I hope you can get some rest.

      • Legal weed keeps the teeth from mattering when they hurt.

        Which is good because the soonest now the dental abscess is looked at is September.

  • Things are so bad (and the future is even worse) so I've just stopped caring. Feels better than before, so that's an improvement!

    • Well, that's something. I went through a similar phase and am not really out of it to be perfectly honest. I stopped following local news and politics because it was just emotional self sabotage. Whatever works, you know, Smee, and whatever we gotta do to survive. Best of luck and keep your chin up!

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