1w ago

I'm heterosexual, but I don't know how to be straight.

It took me a while to come to terms with the fact that I experience heterosexuality very differently than my peers. I'll describe in broad terms to keep things SFW.

Bodies are not "hot" to me. I'm drawn to feminine features because I find them pretty, but bodies do not physically excite me in the way that they excite others.

My sexuality is focused on receiving loving and romantic physical affection, and to a lesser extent, giving it. To my brain, affectionate physical contact is sex ITSELF, not a prelude. In practice, this means that I'm very attracted to kisses and don't care about real sex unless I had a partner who wanted it.

If I approach a woman, it's because she seems nice and I want to get to know her, not because I find her physically attractive. I never pursue romance from the get-go; I develop friendships for their own sake and romantic feelings may develop later.

I have some concerns about this.

I've long suspected that there are certain signals that I don't give off. Female friends have called me things like "innocent," "adorable," or "Christian" (lol). While that may be due to my gentle demeanor, I wonder if my unique attraction profile eliminates behaviors that signal sexual availability, such as flirting. Perhaps the absence of these signals creates an impression of purity and sexual abstinence.

If that's the case, I feel like that might prevent most people from finding me attractive, simply because I lack the hardware to speak their language. My actions might just come across as friendly, and I don't want to lie about feeling attraction that I don't have.

Another concern of mine is submissiveness: my physical attraction is centered around receiving. Although I want a relationship that's reciprocal—giving and receiving in equal measure—I absolutely need moments of receiving affection to be sexually fulfilled. From what I've seen, submissiveness is stereotypically a turn-off, and I don't know how widespread that is.

But I'm not BDSM-submissive; I don't want a dominatrix. I just want someone gentle, kind, and willing to kiss me a bunch lol. I want to create a space of warmth and safety where we meet each other's needs and I love the idea of being an affectionate and caring partner. The receptiveness I describe is episodic, not all-consuming.

These worries may sound silly, but being different is a catalyst for insecurity. It's very easy to speculate because I can't measure how much heterosexuality varies. I would expect that I'm a rule-breaking outlier and most heterosexuals have similar attraction models.

But I lack perspective, especially because I've never been in a relationship.

What do you think?

21 comments

I think your description sounds a lot like people who call themselves demisexual. You might read up on it and see if it hits for you.
- Just adding to this a bit for context. Demi isn't a sexual orientation like gay, straight, bi, etc. But it is a label for how people experience attraction within their sexual orientation. So OP if you are demi you definitely are in the minority, but you are certainly not weird. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Demisexuality
- I did! It was nice to read about other people with similar experiences to me, but I also realized that I don't entirely fit the label. I don't need a strong emotional connection to feel physical attraction; I just need to be shown affection, which can happen way sooner than it takes to develop a relationship. Though, I bet my attraction would increase as the relationship develops.
  So you could consider me demi-adjacent, but I'm careful not to box myself into that label. My attraction to affection may give me many things in common with demisexual people, but it's also not the full story. They're cool though, and if there was a place where I could meet lots of single demi people, I would definitely consider looking there!
  
  There's a term called grey ace that is a little like demi but different. It might fit, it might not, but regardless there's no harm in knowing about it :)
  
  Yeah, sexuality doesn't really fit in neat boxes and this is especially true for the asexual spectrum. I get the vibe that you want to find something to identify with though, so yeah i'd say you're in the ballpark of asexual
- I'm a gay woman, but reading this sounds a lot like both myself and my partner. She's demi and I'm ace.

You might be over thinking a lot of this. Many peoples sexuality is pretty fluid and peculiar, we just don't often talk about it under such broad terms.

Well good then, you understand that's how you function.
A small secret - the "traditional" heterosexuality is a performance people put on, consciously or subconsciously. The real spectrum is a lot broader than it might superficially seem.

My sexuality is focused on receiving loving and romantic physical affection, and to a lesser extent, giving it. To my brain, affectionate physical contact is sex ITSELF, not a prelude. In practice, this means that I'm very attracted to kisses and don't care about real sex unless I had a partner who wanted it.
This really spoke to how I felt for most of my life. With that in mind, I can not recommend Ace by Angela Chen high enough. It was a monumental awakening for me to finally understand why I dreaded sex but craved affection. There are many shades of asexual and she discusses them all. Many lifelong feelings I had were for the first time validated in that book. I obviously can't guarantee it will have the same effect for you, but the way you talk sounds VERY reminiscent of my past self questions.
Knowing and understanding myself has led to the most successful, caring and loving relationship of my life where we agreed long ago that sex was off the table. Nothing but bliss, marriage and good vibes have followed. Even if you don't see yourself described in those pages, I think it will give you a lot of the language to navigate what could be the next step.
Hope this helps! <3
- Wow, that felt like the craziest and least relatable part that I wrote, lol. Though maybe I didn't fully elaborate: Kisses are the main event and literally THE most sexually exciting thing for me. But I also want sexual contact; it's just secondary and assists in the experience. And "real sex," the kind that people use contraception for, feels like a liability. I'm sure that other forms of sexual contact would work to supplement the kissing without the risks.
  I don't care about sex on its own (unless it's a very naughty form of kissing) because it feels like a routine that everyone does. But with kissing, it's very personal: your partner is right in your face showering you with love in their own unique way, and they can be as creative and expressive as they want. That's a big reason why I find kisses to be sexier than sex, lol.
  Thanks, and congrats on your wonderful relationship!

Perhaps asexual spectrum witch in includes things like demisexual however you are emotionally attracted to people,
always remember, gender, sex, sexual attraction and Romantic attraction are all different and there a extremely vast spectrum, sometimes there's no one label or thing you are, try to understand and know about yourself without prejudice, it's totally ok and acceptable to be who you are

Everyone experiences sexuality differently and all consensual sexuality is valid. As long as you let partners know what your limits and expectations are, you're ok.
I don't personally get the whole ace thing, I'm kinda at the other end. Ie hyper sexual and very focused on giving affection.This works well because my partner is hungry like the wolf and very keen to have my face between her legs. But you're fine. Just remember that the best relationship is one where each partner wants to give what the other wants to receive.

As others have mentioned you may be asexual, grey-ace or demi-sexual. However, I would like to mention a few things about masculine gender roles and their effect on Men. So you may be an allosexual but just not conform to the gendered expectations about masculinity and sex. I am allosexual and I find that a portion of the gendered expectations about sex don't fit me as well.
See below quote from "The Will to Change" by bell hooks which I think does a good job of laying out the dominant cultural narrative around the expectations men have around sex:
In actuality, men come to sex hoping that it will provide them with all the emotional satisfaction that would come from love. Most men think that sex will provide them with a sense of being alive, connected, that sex will offer closeness, intimacy, pleasure. And more often than not sex simply does not deliver the goods. This fact does not lead men to cease obsessing about sex; it intensifies their lust and their longing.
As mentioned above the dominant cultural narrative shows the Sex should provide all emotional, affection and closeness from sex and sex alone. This is not true for most men and if you feel the same way it might make you feel wrong about either your sexuality or masculinity. I would recommend reading The Will to Change to better understand the expectations about masculinity and its role in sex.
I also always recommend Hot and Unbothered to better understand what you may want to have from sex and what sexual acts are you comfortable with and what you are not. Its a wonderful book.
I also recommend The New Bottoming Book and The New Topping Book by Dossie Eaton and Janet Hardy. These are BDSM book which I know you said you were not interested in but I recommend people take a look. They are less how to guides but give good overviews about what to expect and what emotions people can enjoy and invoke from this kind of play. It is helpful to understand what emotions, sensations and needs people can derive from sex to better understand what you might want and how to ask for it. The asking for what you want is scary and difficult even if its for something simple like more kissing and kinksters are the communication and consent experts. You may never ask to be tied down and spanked silly, it makes asking other asks seem easier. Also to note that there are a large number of asexuals interested in kink so don't feel like it is not for you if you do identify on the ace spectrum.

I think sexual narratives forced by media and society are messed up, and many people are conditioned, subtly and forcefully. I think it may take a long time to find a match, but aren't you worth it?
- To some degree, yes, but there's probably a level of adaptation I could make without losing myself in the process. At the same time, it's frustrating to have to sacrifice some of what makes you unique because you're too radical for wider society. It's quite the dilemma, and one that I've seen popping up again and again as I've increasingly diverged from the mainstream on multiple fronts.

Ultimately, only you can decide what labels apply to yourself. But to me, your experiences sound a lot like you may be asexual and demiromantic (and heteroromantic). I suggest learning more about those labels, in order to better understand yourself and learn from people with similar experiences. Understanding yourself better could, for example, help you be able to clearly describe what you want in a relationship and find relationships that suit you.
There is an extensive resource about asexuality here: https://www.asexuality-handbook.com/. I don't have any personal advice to offer you because my experiences are very different from yours. But, in general, know this: attraction is complex. Romantic and sexual attraction are distinct and do not necessarily imply one another. It is possible to have a queer sexual or romantic orientation and also be heterosexual or heteroromantic. (And not all attraction fits neatly into the categories of "sexual" and "romantic". It's just that this is the most convenient for me to phrase it right now.)

I'm pretty sure you just have to like girls.

Welcome to the asexual group!

sounds like you’re overthinking
- When your experience seems totally alien to any you've seen around you it can be disorienting, and folks often try to figure out how they fit in 🤷‍♂️
  That's pretty normal, and personally I find it kinda heartwarming watching someone find that others share similar experiences, and gaining new words for their experience basically in real time
  As someone who has been through that process of figuring out how to articulate my experience and understand it, I know it can really help you process your identity

21 comments