Man Dies After Secret 4-Year Battle With Gorilla
Man Dies After Secret 4-Year Battle With Gorilla
theonion.com
Man Dies After Secret 4-Year Battle With Gorilla
This is one of the best Onion articles ever. Read the whole thing.
49 comments
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Legit LOLed at this bit:
“I noticed that David had lost a lot of weight over the past couple of months, especially when he came in with his arm torn off,” fellow claims adjuster Kevin Delano said.
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"According to the foundation’s website, the growing problem affects one in every 29 million Americans, and one in every 80 Congolese."
Fucking lol
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the growing problem affects one in every 29 million Americans, and one in every 80 Congolese
Fantastic
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I dunno, i am very partial to this one
https://theonion.com/it-is-journalism-s-sacred-duty-to-endanger-the-lives-of-1850126997/
For more evidence of our time-honored journalistic commitment to endangering lives, please see our previous coverage of gay people, immigrants, Black people, and women.
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I said one of the best, not the best. There are other terrific ones too like https://theonion.com/why-do-all-these-homosexuals-keep-sucking-my-cock-1819583529/
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My personal all time favorite is this one: https://theonion.com/general-motors-introduces-new-instant-win-airbags-1819564102/
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Also, anyone notice that this took place in Roanoke, VA? Where they're especially known for gorilla attacks?
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That's so sad! I had no idea he was fighting Gorilla! Thoughts and prayers.
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I'm sending healing vibes.
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Well, what I want to know is, who TF is downvoting The Onion?!?
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Maybe people who don't like "wait for it", "read the whole thing", or "watch to the end".
Don't tell me to do it, tell me why I should do it.
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People are probably downvoting it because I posted it. 🙄
Some very pathetic person goes through my history regularly and downvotes everything.
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Well I see you post regularly, and am always grateful for the white-hot memes, shitpost, and factoids! Ty you flying horror. Seriously though squids are gross.
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Probably a squid that’s very jealous about your flying ability
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On reddit I used to downvote a popular poster because they were dominating the space. Not sure that was the right thing to do but don't take it personal, just keep on doing your thing.
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Wow, this one brought back memories. I think at the time I considered having a David Seaborne Foundation Fun-Run for the Cure t-shirt made.
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Should have found a common enemy like I did, me and my gorilla are good friends now, I was one of his groomsmen at his 4th wedding, good bloke.
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Surpised the Onion doesn't include a writing credit for the article. Apparently this was posted in 2009 and I'm curious to see wjat the author has been up to since then
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Probably a team effort, or at least a team spirit.
I'm curious if "former onion writer" is up there with snl and Simpsons writers in terms of industry respect.
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Mike Tyson: NOOOO, IT SHOULD'VE BEEN ME, NOT HIM!
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I don't get it, is it just funny because gorilla or is there a correlation to some illness?
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This is every cancer victim news story (at least in the US), just with gorilla-related stuff substituted in.
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Why didn't he just shoot the gorilla? Is he stupid?
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Don’t victim-blame. Someone you love could be afflicted with the heartbreak of gorilla attacks.
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With what? and where? A silverback gorilla is no joke, David would need a shotgun and a will of steel to properly aim and fire at a 400lb monster trying to kill him.
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400lb
Five hundred and twelve. Just saying it makes me quake in fearr. David was such a brave man to face such a force off nature.
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This is why America needs universal animal control
Like Obamakill.
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His name? Norm Macdonald.
49 comments