ROANOKE, VA—Local claims adjuster David Seaborne, a devoted husband and father of three, died Tuesday at the age of 37 following a long and painful personal battle with a 512-pound eastern lowland gorilla.
This is one of the best Onion articles ever. Read the whole thing.
“I noticed that David had lost a lot of weight over the past couple of months, especially when he came in with his arm torn off,” fellow claims adjuster Kevin Delano said.
For more evidence of our time-honored journalistic commitment to endangering lives, please see our previous coverage of gay people, immigrants, Black people, and women.
General Electric used to have a big factory in Roanoke, so I'm guessing the gorillas are a result of industrial pollution from some sort of superfund site that has yet to be cleaned up.
Well I see you post regularly, and am always grateful for the white-hot memes, shitpost, and factoids! Ty you flying horror. Seriously though squids are gross.
On reddit I used to downvote a popular poster because they were dominating the space. Not sure that was the right thing to do but don't take it personal, just keep on doing your thing.
Surpised the Onion doesn't include a writing credit for the article. Apparently this was posted in 2009 and I'm curious to see wjat the author has been up to since then
With what? and where? A silverback gorilla is no joke, David would need a shotgun and a will of steel to properly aim and fire at a 400lb monster trying to kill him.