2mo ago

Loving someone while not condoning their actions?

Straightforward: my 29-year-old son is dating a 16-year-old girl he met at a jazz festival this summer. Openly. He had a same age long-term girlfriend until last year, when they broke up amicably. We really loved her, she was basically our daughter-in-law and we’re still in touch. His current girlfriend’s parents know about their relationship & are cool with it. For the record: it’s also legal in our country. We don’t think it’s right though, he’s a grown ass man while she’s a high schooler. He’s also very successful professionally, handsome, takes good care of himself, has a good personality, etc. so it’s not like he’s lacking options. He just says he likes her - that’s his why. He’s not a bad person, I know that, but still this whole situation has changed our perception of him quite a bit. We’re having a rough time to say the least.

22 comments

The amount of people defending this is weird, 16 is way too young. That being said, there isn't much you can do as his parent. Even if you do manage to break them up, he will always blame you and think of the "what ifs".
- Oh, don't get me wrong. It is a bit weird and concerning. But weird and concerning alone are not enough to stop something that's legal and at least for now seems to work pretty well. And like you said, not much they can do about it. The best course of action is to deal with it, be as accepting and supportive as they can and be prepared to help if things do go wrong. Everything else will make things worse.

From your post, I can't quite decide what worries you most about this relationship... I've written and rewritten this comment multiple times because of that.
The usual concern with such an age gap would be that he might take advantage of her and her lack of experience. That's a valid concern that should be addressed. But It doesn't seem to be what's bothering you.
With you starting your post by telling us about his ex who is completely irrelevant to this story and your relationship with her, then later list off how great your son is and that "it’s not like he’s lacking options"... I can't shake the feeling that your problem is more with him having a partner that could be considered "below his own status". It feels like you would react just the same if he dated someone closer to his age but not as successful or good-looking. And to that I must say, that's none of your business. Let your son love whoever he wants to love. Let him make his own decisions and when it comes to it, his own mistakes. They obviously share some interests and he's old enough to decide if she's "good enough" for him.
- he’s old enough
  His age isn't the problem

I could never love someone that goes to jazz festivals.

The only reason grown ass men date children (laws on the age of consent were written by those same grown ass men, they don't dictate reality) is so they can have someone who hasn't yet learned how to recognise red flags to coerce and control. You don't need to actively encourage him to be sending him the message that you, at the very least, don't disapprove.
It's up to you to decide how comfortable you are with sending him that message, and act accordingly.

That’s gross and as a parent you have the responsibility to tell him it’s gross. Don’t normalise this relationship.
- Why would it be gross? Wtf is wrong with people being so prejudiced here? Also, something being gross is your personal taste, stop forcing it on other people.
  Relationships with this kind of age gap where one of them is young need to be treated with great caution because the risk of manipulation, exploitation or abuse is higher. But there is absolutely no way to judge it based on that single fact. If you know them and make sure he is not taking advantage of her, why would it still be a problem?
  
  It’s gross because the only reason a 29 yr old adult would have a relationship ship with a 16 yr old is because the 16 yr old is easy to manipulate. A 29 yr old and a 16 yr old have no life experiences in common, the whole relationship relies on the inequal power dynamic. The fact that he chose to have a relationship with a 16 yr old is already proof that he’s taking advantage because any sensible adult that cares about the wellbeing of the 16 yr old would never do that.

29?
I've seen bigger age gaps work out long term, but dang, not when the younger was still a kid in most ways. It comes down to there needing to be a certain degree of development of self before you can make a relationship be a meeting of equals where both people can move forward together rather than it being one leading the other (intentionally or not).
There's really nothing you can do about it, though. Like you said, he's a grown ass man and has to reap the crop he sows. If she's legal there, and the parents aren't objecting, there's nothing that you can the that's useful. You just hang back and see how it goes.
Treat it like you would if you didn't like his choice in dating because she was stupid, or ugly. If he asks, don't lie about your opinion, but don't bother them with it either. Trying to force them apart is likely to backfire and at the very least could make them stick together longer than they otherwise would if it isn't going to work out on its own.
People are allowed to make bad choices as adults. When it comes to family, there's a limit to what kind and degree of interference is acceptable, no matter what the family member is doing.
You've had the unfortunate discovery that your son is likely an idiot about at least this matter. Could be worse.

Maybe I'm the weird one here, but doesn't this problem literally evaporate in 4 years anyway?
I've never seen anyone bat an eye once both are over 20.
- Maybe.
  But you could also say the same about 5, 6, 7, 8,... years.
  Currently she's 16, of course she'll get older with age.
  
  Yeah but OP seemd concerend about the Age gap. Her Partens are fine with them being a couple, his son is an adult and the law also says its fine so the only thing which seems to be a problem is reaction of the public and somehow the public stops careing as soon both are over 20.
- It doesn’t because the child will carry the trauma with her into adulthood. Literally just ask the people who’ve been through those kinds of relationships on the victim side and you’ll know that this is a horrible situation.

My first thought is REBOUND RELATIONSHIP. His long-term breakup may have been “amicable”, but it seems like it hurt him more than you (or possibly even he) realize. I think a major part of what he likes about his new girlfriend is being in a relationship where he clearly has the upper hand.
Whose idea was the breakup? “It was both of theirs” is not a real answer. Someone had to initiate the conversation. Who was it?

In what ways specifically has it changed your perception of him?

His current girlfriend’s parents know about their relationship & are cool with it.
Possible, unfortunately, but how did you get to this information? Anything short of talking to them directly I wouldn't trust.
- From them. We met them.

Explain to him the social cost he will bear. Friends and support network will drift away.
- What? That really shouldn't be the point for anyone to worry about.
  The important thing is to make sure she's safe. As long as that is guaranteed, everything else is his choice and his responsibility. He is an adult, he is allowed to decide for himself if he cares about what society as a whole and his parents in particular think about him.
  Shaming him and pressuring him into leaving her will only make him stick to her even tighter, just to spite everyone else. And that might actually go wrong when the relationship eventually breaks apart and he can't accept that because he doesn't have anyone else left.

Other than the age difference, what is wrong with her? Is she a mean person? Two_faced? Is she stupid? Lazy? Treat him like he's a sugar daddy whose only goal is to spoil her? Does she behave like a 16 year old that's going to grow up to be an awful adult? You didn't really give any reason for being against this relationship and for thinking less of him other than the age difference, which I'm not sure is a valid reason to think less of either of them if they are happy together.

22 comments