Tips for Anxiety Driven Work Patterns
Tips for Anxiety Driven Work Patterns
I am curious what other folks have to say on this matter. This is quite specific to me, but perhaps pieces will be recognizable.
For me, growing up with undiagnosed ADHD which was really very apparent in every aspect of life looking back, many habits were built up without realizing. I also had a complex childhood dynamic, which I think is likely quite common in those with ADHD given both your own difficulties and the genetic component which means there is a pretty good chance that one of your parents has ADHD and faced similar struggles. In adulthood, it has been tricky to uncover these.
One of the maladaptive strategies I and many others developed in childhood was to lean into the anxiety as a source of stimulation and motivation. Not intentionally, but early on you are rewarded for these behaviours. Maybe...
- You didn't complete the homework but in a panic you get it done during your first class of the day.
- You stayed up all night doing a project that you forgot or postponed.
- You restrained yourself to the point of pain in family gatherings or other important social events.
- You did all of your chores in one angry burst because you were sick of reminders, aggression, or maybe passive aggression.
- After many experiences of getting things in late, losing track of time, or otherwise, you obsessively pay attention to the clock and deadlines.
- Faking illness, to the point of maybe even feeling that illness, to build back capacity after doing all of the previous.
- Many more...
The thing is, staying up late, avoiding stimming or talking, being preoccupied with time, panic working beyond your capacity - this is what likely got praised. Not the way you did it, but the end result. The only breaks were being physically exhausted to the point of people recognizing it as sickness.
In adulthood, I found myself feeling incredibly anxious about any kind of work. Any kind of commitment, really. Getting sick during periods where I can rest. Even with life circumstances being great and surrounded by great people, this feeling persists.
I found that two strategies were built up which evoked exactly the same physiological feelings.
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Losing track of time and being fully engaged is a super power. I don't want to say ADHD is a superpower; it's a painful disorder, and I do not mean hyper focus here - I simply mean that when I'm not concerned with clock time, it feels free and productive. It isn't appreciated, though, when other people are around or depends on it. The maladaptive strategy? Find timelessness only when alone, avoid commitments which rely on time awareness, and becomes obsessed with due dates and deadlines and not allow myself to enter that timeless state where I really do my best work in fear of losing track.
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A need for that panic to work. I'm not just talking about leaving things to the last minute as a motivator, but looking at a TODO list and generating a feeling of dread because that's the place you live when doing work. It's like clocking into work and putting on your anxiety hat.
I hadn't quite connected that this was a form of masking when alone, and it was fascinating to imagine taling off that mask and seeing what was left. Realizing that the situation wasn't evoking dread, I was, to make it familiar enough to get things done.
But with the right understanding, I've begun to see the truth in it. It isn't worth making yourself unhealthy and angry and sad to do more than you are capable of. It's also not worth doing that for things you ARE capable of.
Where is the solution?
It's probably different for everyone, and you might need a lot of assistance. I'm early, but I'm noticing lots of positive change. Basically, I'm allowing myself some risk by trying to not engage in those tasks when feeling that feeling. Stop nourishing that behaviour. Take the time to get into a better place, and then engage in the work and things that are tough during that. It's not easy, because it's very different from many years of experience, but it's a different kind of difficulty than the anxious feelings being used as fuel. When anxious, focusing on what's within and outside of my control, and not avoiding the anxiety. When feeling good, going and doing the things currently associated with anxiety, to re-associate it.
Basically, be the guardian you think you needed. Someone to reward your approach and not your results. Someone to say that being healthy is more important than the A. Someone who says it's okay to take a break or get lost in what excites you.
I hope this helps a little bit at least, and I'm interested to hear if others have experience with anything like this and how it's going! This could be linked to many things, but I'm just assuming it's a common history with those who have executive function, emotional regulation, and time perception problems.
I feel almost 90% aligned to your story..
Was diagnosed formally in my 40s... Described as "super high functioning" by my psychiatrist, but really just felt like I've white knuckled the years from age 8...
DM me if you want to chat...
[Edited to add]: 90% of my coping mechanism were self taught and had large similarities to what you describe.
I have burnt out completely twice and the recovery taught me to develop better coping methods.
My recent diagnosis has given me the final piece to better understand (retrospectively) how and why I've operated and grown the way I did.
Medication is actively helping me overcome the largest remaining parts as my career has become more senior and exec function failings became more pronounced.
Unsure if that is helpful to you, but I'm also happy to chat more thoroughly in a less open forum if you're interested or think it might be helpful.
It's also OK if just knowing you're not alone was what you were looking for...
Oh boi this is so relatable. It seems that I've been running on anxiety my whole life.
For me it seems to help that I find validation and reasons for those feelings (eg from videos explaining why ADHD or CPTSD causes such behaviors and thought patterns) and through that understanding internalize that there is always a reason for everything and no, the reason is not that I'm a shitty person.
Allowing myself to stim helps, I didn't even realize how much I've been blocking it.
I think the most noticeable help from the meds is in social situations, but also the fact that I can always "play the AuDHD card" helps - given that the people are safe enough to reveal this diagnosis.
I process thoughts and feelings by doing physical things so evening walks are super important to clear some of the chaos inside my head.
My SO is also on the spectrum but in a way opposite of me that they don't really have strict rules and schedules to keep their life together like I do, so we learn from each other: I try to give more space to things that cause me anxiety and over all loosen my grip, and they try to create more structure in their life.
Also conscious choices on what to ruminate and what not is sometimes helpful: do I REALLY need to think about this right now?
If I'm full of chaos or anxiety when I go to bed I have a conversation in my head with an imaginary friend that will validate my feelings and experiences and tell me what I need to hear. It gives a different perspective which can be helpful.
So many things yet to understand and the re-learning is just in the beginning, but even so it feels like a big change already! The years of neglecting myself have taken their toll for sure but I hope there's still hope left.
Thank you for sharing your findings and the great explanation! I recognize number 2 a lot.. I will try to stop engaging with the anxiety.
Holy shit dude right on the money! I never realized how obsessed with time and deadlines I was but your analysis makes perfect sense. There’s so many times I’ll get anxious trying to relax in the evening because I don’t want to enter that timeless state and be up super later. So I end up sitting there paralyzed trying to pick something fun to do but not too fun.
I’m gonna try not engaging with the anxiety and see how it goes. Instead of avoiding the anxiety feeling by distraction or whatever, take a walk and decompress.
Also the whole stimming thing. Never heard that term used. I chew my fingers and blast music all the time to soothe the anxiety. This is a whole new perspective on my music listening habits.
Absolutely eye opening post! Thanks for putting it so eloquently!
Just wanted to let you know - I am currently examining my anxiety and exhaustion generating work and study habits hard (and why they are so easy patterns to slip into), and your post helped me answer a question I had and couldn't quite grasp.
Because for me, I generate The Dread© by imagining the disappointment of my professors, my boss, or parents, or whoever gave me the task or has a stake, if I don't do it in time. Which also means that I can't really do stuff for myself unless I imagine my therapist being disappointed or something. Which leads to weird and unusual attachments to people who have no idea of their significance, and a LOT of social anxiety.
But knowing the functionality of this pattern should be quite helpful in gently disengaging from it 🙂 So thanks!