Fox host demands video of JD Vance having sex with a couch
Instead of just ignoring the jokes, Fox is upping the ante.
I’ve had it up to here with people saying JD Vance had sex with a couch. How many times do I have to say there’s no evidence JD Vance had sex with a couch before people stop saying JD Vance had sex with a couch? Liberals must be pretty desperate to make up that JD Vance had sex with a couch. The story that on March 17, 2011 JD Vance was banned from a Cleveland area IKEA after so thoroughly deflowering a KIVIK Sofa Chaise that it had to be removed as a biohazard due to the various fluids in and around it, causing the night manager to not only quit but need intensive therapy is beyond the pale. Who would believe this? There is sworn. court. testimony. that JD Vance has not made bare skin contact with a couch within the past 5 years. That’s a fact. Look it up. The idea that this is because JD Vance cannot contain his overwhelming sexual urges in the presence of soft furniture is reckless conjecture. Calling JD Vance a couchfucker is slander and you need to take it back.
The Left™ will do anything to avoid talking about the real issues in this campaign, like the fact that Kamala Harris laughs sometimes.
It’s funny you say that. However it’s a Fox News person that’s asking for this.
They’re too stupid to know that proving something like fucking a couch didn’t happen is impossible. They think that lack of video evidence will prove it, but they’re just jagwagons.
Harris also has the skull shape of a Marxist! And the fact that she's a girl will make all the other manly nations call us Sissies!
There's a lot to unpack in that statement:
“We don’t buy the hoaxes and believe the hype anymore,” he continued.
Yeah, Fox sells them, not buys them. Get your facts straight.
“Our eyes are wide open.
Uh-oh. That sounds pretty woke to me.
And if you’re gonna accuse someone of having sex with a couch, you better have video.” He then brought on a guest to discuss whether Harris has a chance at winning the election in November without further explaining his request for the video.
Yes, because you want to see it....for totally normal reasons.
"Absolutely revolting claim! And where's the proof? The video? I need to see that horrible, disgusting video before I believe these claims! Show me-I mean us the video!"
I mean… they can’t possibly miss the joke, can they? It fucking racks my brain, the density of these fuckwits sometimes. The whole reason this is still a thing is because they’re saying shit like, ‘If you accuse some of X, you’d better have proof.’
Hey guys, it’s time to mature up and admit that Vance probably did not have sex with a couch.
He made love to it. Also, the couch was totally asking for it.
Too bad it wasn't a bed because then we could talk about how short the bed skirt was.
It was totally consensual
-The couch
You know, until recently I thought that the golden days of Internet activism were over and we were mostly living in times where it was ridiculously easy to get things censored on the Internet.
Then something as stupid as this gets this amount of attention because of Internet users having way too much time and energy to spread it. WTF
I think that only proves your thoughts. This thing blew up uncontrollably. Now try repeating this with some truly important point.
The AP was correct to pull the article. Nobody can definitively say "J.D. Vance did not have sex with a couch" just that "J.D. Vance did not write about having sex with a couch in his memoir, 'Hillbilly Elegy'."
We don't even know he didn't write about it. All we can definitively say is that the story about J.D. Vance fucking a couch did not appear in the published edition of Hillbilly Elegy.
Did he fuck a couch? Did he write about fucking a couch? Only Vance can tell us for sure and he's probably too busy fucking a couch.
Finally, a use case for AI that I can really get behind!
Kidding, please god no one deepfake that weirdo going to town on a totally innocent sofa. Fuckin nightmare fuel.
Rule 34, it's already a thing.
Or rule 35
No no, they should absolutely do it and show it (heavily censored and muted) live. With PoV cam (both Vance and the couches PoV)
Tell them it's on Hunter's laptop and watch them implode!
Not to kink shame you, Jesse, but maybe keep what titillates you to yourself.
Anyway, by now there's bound to be porn with a Vance lookalike fucking a couch, so you'll get what you need for the most part.
Such a video is the job AI was created to do.
Maybe not the Hero we want, but the Hero we deserve.
Now now. JD Vance only fucks couches when he wears eyeliner. Everyone knows that.
That sure is a weird-ass thing to ask for.
Those people are weird.
What is it with conservative hosts demanding porn?
First there was Rush Limbaugh pretending not to know what birth control is and now this.
Probably plenty of other examples in the meantime, but that's the especially heinous one that immediately came to mind.
They want to see the couch's outfit for themselves, of course. Perhaps it was asking for it.
Weren't they obsessed with someone's dick a few years ago?
Twice, actually. First that of Anthony Wiener and then that of Hunter Biden.
For a party of homophobes who claim to hate liberals, they sure seem to be hungry for some liberal cock 😂
For research guys, it's for research.
No wonder JD wants to make porn illegal. I'm almost with him if it means me not getting Rickrolled with a gif of him fucking a loveseat
“It’s not a loveseat, okay?! It’s a couch! I don’t fuck loveseats!” - Vance, probably?
"It's called making love when it's a loveseat! It's in the name!!! Also, ban porn NOW!"
-- From The book "Hillbilly Elegy: A Memoir Of a Family and Culture in Crisis" by author JD Vance
Would it help if I filmed myself fucking a couch and put a deep fake over it?
It's for the good of people my dude, rail that couch for democracy!
Can't hurt!
Depends on the springs
Hmmm, I would have to see it first
I've already got a few clips already in the can.
Anyone else hoping that a video surfaces just so we can make the conservatives watch it? Bonus points if he refers to the couch as Flipper while borking it.
Anyone else hoping that a video surfaces just so we can make the conservatives watch it?
The new Rick Roll is inserting footage of JD Vance fucking a couch in between scenes of Hunter Biden fucking a prostitute.
Once Republicans regain power, these will be the only two legal forms of pornography.
Ai might be useful afterall
Double bonus if he shames and belittles the couch for not getting pregnant, and says if it were up to him, it would not be allowed to vote
Put that shit up on a screen like what happened to the old and wrinkled Italian regime. Tifa up there screaming, giving heart attacks to poor old men, that scene was so obscene.
Now imagine the travesty, bunch of out the closet conservatives projecting their desires, watching what transpires as JD Vance has a relationship with an entire set. They're the ones that must bear witness to that.
“Guess we know why they call it a blow hole now, don’t we you stupid fucking cetacean”
Purely for "research," right Fox?
Well if politics doesn't work out for JD there is always OnlyFans
OnlyFutons
JD Vance puts the "C" in LGBTQIA2SC.
Stark difference in the immediate memes that came out about Harris vs Vance. Coconut tree is quirky, couch is weird.
Coconut tree is quirky, couch is weird.
Coconut Tree is Wine Mom trying to explain a legitimately profound idea she read in a book once in college.
Couch is Creepy Uncle trying to lure you into his shed.
Coconut tree is so 2020.
It's nice when the refuing-bullshit boot is on the other foot.
Hi!👋 me again, don’t forget to:
Print photos of different couches or dolphins and mail them to any or all of these locations:
https://www.vance.senate.gov/office-locations/
Don’t forget to add little love notes. e.g., “Thinking of you 💋”
And, remember kids, drink your Ovaltine!
Hey, I like you. Keep up the good work!
Thank you! It is much appreciated.
"JD Vance's couch tape" to the tune of "Hunter Biden's laptop"
It's so funny to see FOX News doing The Whitey Tape to themselves.
What's the story of him fucking a couch? It's one of the least problematic things about him.
That might be why they're pushing this story.
I'm agree, but it is still funny. Anyway, apparently he wrote about it in his book?
Well, we do live in the age of AI generated deepfake videos, don't we? We could feed Jesse Watters' unnatural curiosity, couldn't we?
Why are these people so fking creepy weird?
I just want to know if the couch consented…has anyone been able to verify? I hope so :(
We’ll never know until we get the video!
What the fuck man i thought this was an onion article cause the headline is too good to be true
Aunty: Oh Vance! My favorite nephew! Come in come in! Sit on the couch with me! What brings you here?
Vance: nobody likes me because I wear makeup like women do and I like to fuck the couch!
Aunty: well worry no more! You can stay with us for as long as you like! There's just one thing I need to tell you about.
Vance: what is it?
Aunty: your uncle and I have a house policy where we don't wear any clothes indoors. Is that okay? I'm sure if we talk to your uncle, we can agree to let you fuck a couch too!
Vance proceeds to get complete naked. Uncle comes into the scene and the aunty is already naked too.
Vance: hi uncle!
Uncle: well hello! I see you are getting used to the rules of the house!
Aunty: yes. He also would like it if he could fuck the couch when he feels the need.
Uncle: no problem!
Scene cuts to Vance taking a shower. For more on this please refer to your favorite pornhub show.
I'm sorry... I'm way outta the loop on this one.
Someone explain?
This is extremely simplistic and reductive, but essentially, after JD Vance was named Trump's VP, someone made a shit post saying 'Wow, I can't believe he said he had sex with a couch, that's wild'. To their slight credit, the same person commented like an hour later admiting it was all a lie (they just posted the Arthur meme of "You think someone would do that? Go on the internet and tell lies?"), but that didn't really matter and it got shared around a lot, mostly by people who knew it was fake news but still thought it was funny anyway.
Later that week, AP News did a fact check on it (because, sadly, they have to do A LOT of false-fact debunking) and they essentially said "JD Vance did not have sex with a couch". HOWEVER, they have an internal policy that says their fact-checks must say only the truth, even if they have to be extremely specific in their wording. Since they originally said "No, he has never had sex with a couch" but, technically speaking, unless they've been spying on him for his entire life, there's no way to actually PROVE that, so they had to take it down. Lots of people saw it get taken down and jumped on that fact as a 'Well, then he must have done it, obviously' and the memes continued.
Fast forward to today, and some FOX host who probably still uses Yahoo as their search engine and has no connection with meme culture is demanding the video proof that they presume to exist despite no one EVER saying that there's proof.
Hope that answered most of your questions
Edit: slightly wording fix
My favorite part was that Vance, supposedly, wrote about it in Hillbilly Elegy. Reading the book would easily solve the issue once and for all, but no one wanted to.
It's also why the AP article was retracted. They could obviously prove that it's not in the book, but like you said, it would be impossible to prove that he never, at any point in his life, when no one was around, fucked a couch.
...but also, the AP article didn't even involve reading the book. They just used Ctrl+F on key terms because, again, no one wants to actually read that book.
I didn't even know it was a story until I read about the retraction. Like, "What do you mean they retracted their story saying he didn't tuck a couch...? Does that mean...?"
Vance fucked a couch
(It was a joke someone made. I think it was originally amplified when AP decided to “fact check” what was clearly an internet joke)
Edit: https://ftw.usatoday.com/2024/07/jd-vance-couch-memes-associated-press
AP pulled the fact check at one point
Finally we’ve found a use for AI.
"Fox host demands" = "Child has on-air tantrum"
All you gotta do is ignore it and it becomes a weird little internet thing. And here we are lol
Rules potentially invoked.. 34, 35, .. 49..
Any hacker group willing to recreate that one Black Mirror episode but with a couch instead of a pig?
For reasons.
Fox News? More like Cocks News, am I right?
Yeah no.
Yeah let's talk about some stupid meme instead of real issues like single payer healthcare, inequality, and I dunno maybe the fact we just had the hottest ever recorded temperatures on Earth in human history.
Filling the narrative with this drama detracts from focusing public attention on real issues.
But I guess this Vance guy prob just needs to drink what plants crave and not talk like a fag and everything will be ok.
We can walk and chew gum, thank you
But I guess this Vance guy prob just needs to drink what plants crave and not talk like a fag and everything will be ok.
One, it's not good to use slurs; even if this isn't a situation about two men. Two, are you implying Vance's a gay couch? Three, did you just assume that coach's gender?
The average Murican voter cannot comprehend what you call "real" issues. This gossipy, high school, melodrama has much better chance to reach them
Why do people care?
How did we come to the culture where personal life of politicians outside their direct political convictions matters?
Not only is it a manipulation that has no relation to somebody's political performance, it also makes opposition dependent on criticizing a person - something that recently fucked up Republicans themselves as Biden stepped down.
I was going to ask the same question. Why should we care. But you have a good point. If the right is saying "we must look into the bedroom " then the left might as well join in. It won't fix anything. But at this point, make the idiots squirm.
You think he will drop out? I'm not sure what's going to happen - our political situation is beyond sane prediction - but I feel like dropping out would be admitting a mistake, and I just don't see either Trump or Vance wanting to do that. I feel like they will ride that decision right into November.
You hit the nail on the head. It's their blatant hypocrisy and stupidity, and it's time to make it hurt to be stupid.
