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45 comments

  • They assigned male at birth, they were wrong - oops.

    • Same here! I had to cosplay as a guy for 47 years. Yuck.

      • Yeah but, cosplay is fun, that doesn't sound fun at all

      • If comfortable, could you or someone else who is trans try to explain the feelings behind transitioning to me, a cisgender? I support trans rights and maintain the philosophy of live and let live (dare I say, true individual freedom as a leftist); I'm just trying to better understand for my own sake.

        More specifically,

        • Is it a matter of societal forces imposing masculine expectations because of your physical characteristics when ultimately, what you feel deep down are effeminate characteristics of the true you? (Or am I wrongly assuming that one is transitioning to another gender and not instead to non-binary?)
        • If yes to the first, if society was more receptive to, say, masculine women or effeminate men at face-value, would that have made you more comfortable prior to transitioning?
        • If no, I'm interested in better understanding how this sort of realignment for lack of a better word improves the feelings of gender dysphoria if it's more an internal pressure than one imposed upon you by society.
        • In terms of physical attraction, are say MtF by the statistics more attracted to M or F, or is it split, are the bisexual/asexual/pansexual, or is data unclear? Is the aspect of gender dysphoria entirely decoupled from the notion of partner attraction (gay, straight, etc.)?

        Hopefully I asked these in a way that is both respectful and makes sense. No pressure to respond, thanks.

        • Mostly closeted late-identified MtF non-binary here:

          You've cleanly identified the central uncertainty behind a hell of a lot of "gender binary" discourse, but you're also brushing against a flamewar about something called "transmedicalism."

          (Thankfully, neither one needs to be answered to get to the correct public policy outcomes of "let people be people" and "don't be a sexist fart.")

          Transmedicalism can be defined as a belief that only those who medically transition are transgender, with anything short of full HRT and surgery as merely a compromise state and anyone not transitioning full time dismissed as a cisgender person playing pretend indulging in something less than.

          Needless to say, there are strong opinions on both sides. Just as there are LGB cis people who dismiss T as a class needing respect and protection, there are T people who dismiss Q+ as a class needing protection or respect.

          What makes the argument especially infuriating is the dearth of good statistics on non-cisgender folk at all. Between low sample sizes, huge variance between state law and ethnic acceptance, and often-insulting definitions, precise data is harder to come by for trans sexuality than f-on-m sexual assault.

          For your specifics;

          • Social expectations are a huge part of gender identity. If I had been born decades later I very well might have come out as non-binary in high school, or might have instead been a full-time trans girl. And if I lived in a redder state, or had a more right-wing partner, I might still identify as entirely cis.
          • Maybe? Like I said, it's really hard to know.
          • Data point worth noting : the cis folk who are closest to me are definitely cis.
          • With the.huge caveat about data noted above, my understanding is that trans men and women are about even on their split between which sexes or genders they are attracted to. The most prominent single group may be MtF trans women who were in a cishet marriage before they transitioned, but my impression is that about 25% are "gay", 25% "straight", 25% "queer", and 25% "confused by terms."

        • I'll simply say that I've never associated with the typical male, mainly regarding the toxicity and competitive nature (I find it a huge turn-off). On the other hand, I've always had gender envy of women (clothing, makeup, poise), having always loved them and also wanting to be one. Being able to move away from being a guy has been THE most impactful decision of my life and only wish I had done it sooner.

          Regarding sexuality, that's dependent on the individual. I prefer women, so I identify as a transgender lesbian. I'm not sure of the statistics.

          • Thanks for writing this! This makes a lot of sense to me. I echo the same in terms of the aversion to toxicity and competitive nature (like a little friendly competition can be positive, but beyond that...). Here in America that shit is rampant especially among right-wing circles and it's so tiresome. My wife said she was attracted to me because I wasn't like her dad, like most other men in her life that fell into this toxic masculine competitive crap. I'd rather see more cooperative engagement.

            Where I diverge is just my lack of interest or desire to wear women's clothing, makeup, poise, etc. Don't get me wrong! I have no problem with anyone along any combination of the sex/gender axis enjoying those things, but yeah just not something I've yearned for myself, which explains why I may not have gender dysphoria? I don't know. But this has helped me understand why others do!

        • The answer to this, like most identity-related questions, vary pretty significantly by the individual.

          Some people transition because they feel more comfortable presenting in ways stereotypical of the other gender, others because they feel dysphoric with their body. Most are some combination of both.

          Personally, I don’t feel much “social” dysphoria as I am (mostly) comfortable with my presentation, however I feel pretty intense body dysphoria, so my transition was primarily physical, with some lifestyle changes to fit in better.

          It’s possible that dismantling of binary gender norms may allow more people to live comfortably without feeling the need to transition, but when you really deconstruct that argument, it’s not really useful. What matters is the reality of people’s experiences. In practice, that argument is usually used to discredit trans experiences as “made-up”.

          It’s akin to saying, “People wouldn’t wear clothes (weather permitting) if we dismantled stigma around nudity.” Some people, maybe—it depends on the situation. Pragmatically, we live in a world where it matters, so it’s not a useful argument.

          Regarding sexuality, there’s a significant lack of statistical data. There was some progress being made, but recent stigma has slowed scientific research into the topic. Personally I don’t think sexually can ever be fully decoupled from gender as a sense of self is often a significant part of sexuality. That being said, sometimes people change orientation when transitioning, sometimes they don’t. A combination of changing hormones and improved self-image can make a big difference in sexuality.

        • On your last question, from https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en/what-is-gender:

          What Gender is not is sexual orientation. We describe orientation using terms relative to one’s gender (homosexual/heterosexual/bisexual, etc), but gender itself does not affect sexuality and sexuality has no role in gender.

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