When was the last time you felt guilt about something, as in that emotional pit you noticeably feel in your stomach when you have done something wrong towards someone?

Heh well… right fucking now, actually.

But it’s a rather complicated and emotional situation.

I’ve been with my partner for nearly 5 years. Shes in a performing arts program. She fell into a deep depression at the start of ‘rona - understandably, given the impact it had on her discipline, and dropped out of her program for a couple years. Fell into a KRPG addiction super hard. Has been in the throes of that since then, despite my continual encouragement after a while to find other outlets and stress relief behaviors. Severe anxiety and mood disorders spiral. Finally re-entered her program last year, but still struggling massively with the KRPG addiction. Stopped socializing outside of the game, for the most part - even with me, to a large extent. Physical relationship is completely dead, and has been for a couple years now. All of this despite my frequent urging to find some more help, talk to an addiction counselor, talk to her PCP, talk to her psych about figuring out a new pharmaceutical balance because the current one isn’t working.

It’s like swimming with weights tied around my ankles.

There have been a few semi-recent events that have made me fundamentally question the sustainability of the relationship, but my breaking point was actually just this last Monday. She was supposed to have her dissertation prospectus sorted out and submitted that Tuesday morning (but later, found out there was some sort of miscommunication, and discovered it was actually Monday). I’ve felt I’ve needed to step back and not just effectively parent her through her program, because genuinely she’s a grown-ass woman and needs to be able to motivate herself to do these things - I can’t want them for her. I watched her sandbag and KRPG for weeks leading up to it. I watched her have a couple good days of progress the week prior, then spend most of the weekend before it was due on her KRPG. I went to work Monday, let her know I was gonna get dinner with a friend so she could work and focus without me distracting her. I come back, and she’s on the KRPG; says “eh it was actually due THIS morning, so oh well”.

My face fell. She can read me pretty well at this point. She went into an emotional spiral, and started verging into self-harm. Also, she had apparently doubled up on adhd stimulants, which has historically tended to supercharge that stuff for her. Not wanting her to perhaps harm or off herself, I got her to take one of her “zonk-out” pills , prescribed for situations such as this. I was in triage mode that night.

The following day, I went to work. I came home. I no longer care really about what she’s doing or how she’s doing it. I realize this is it; this is my limit. I cannot do this anymore. It’s destroying my mental and physical health (I’ve been self-medicating on and off for a while now due to how much I have to handle fucking EVERYTHING in both my life and hers, and I’ve been the sole earner until about a year ago). I shared a bottle of wine with her. In a fit of quiet grief, while she was back playing her KRPG more, I ended up downing a whole bottle of sake myself just to stop feeling anything. Was extremely drunk; later got violently ill.

Spent the next day at work super hung over. Resolved that I needed to end things. But despite everything, I do still love and care about her, so I need to get one of her family members up to essentially do a “handoff” when I leave to stay at a friends place for a week or two when I tell her she needs to move out.

So I’ve been lying to her face for a week pretending everything is copacetic, because I cannot handle another emotional spiral from her, and I need to stage things correctly for her own physical well-being, because I don’t trust her to be ok in the moment when I tell her what’s happening.

It fucking sucks. But at the same time, I see light at the end of the tunnel, in terms of my own life. So I feel a lot of guilt over that whole situation, in multiple different dimensions.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk, I guess…?