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  • Yes, but I would be wary of placing too much individualist importance on it. For example, I used to spend some time around an online dating forum and it was common for people to have the same issues with the same apps (there are a bunch that are all owned by MatchGroup and so have much of the same freemium practices that revolve around extracting money from you rather than finding you love). And it was common to see the sentiment that it was easier to find a date on them even as recently as before the pandemic.

    At the same time, it's important when evaluating it as a system that you don't blame the victim. Some people in those same spaces will say it isn't their fault, but it is "women's fault" (in one way or another). Or they will insist that women have some kind of privileged position, while ignoring the violence and objectification that women regularly grow up with and continue to deal with pretty much their whole lives.

    So there is an important difference in systemic evaluation between understanding when some things are out of your control (ex: dating apps being rigged against you) vs. scapegoating (ex: blaming women).

    There is also a certain amount of luck to consider in it, especially as it relates to what standards and expectations you have. The more specific it is what you want, the harder it will be to find. That doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad thing to want something specific, but if your pool of people you are willing to date is 1000 people, there's much better chance of one of them liking you back than if your pool is 10 people. And then there is also just doing things that get you in front of people, meeting them, spending time with them, etc. Some of us tend to spend a lot of time indoors, some doing it more so after pandemic, work from home, all that kind of thing. You can find people through online, it's not impossible, but the point here is just you can't date someone you never meet or never spend time around.

    These are things to consider before even thinking too hard about what you are as a person. If there are repeat themes in how you've struggled that involve what you are as a person, then that is certainly an area of importance to examine. But there is a lot you can look at before you even get to the point of the individualist "change yourself from within" stuff. I think it is important to genuinely love yourself and nurture that, but I also think it's BS when people say you need to do that first like it's some requirement. Nobody says to a baby, "You'll get my love once you start loving yourself." That's just not how human beings function. We can't do something if we have no idea what it looks and feels like in the first place. But that doesn't mean you necessarily need romance to value yourself healthily, when that is an issue; friendships that are generous with support and nurturing can also help; the right kind of supportive therapist can help.

  • Absolutely. It's NEVER too late, while you're drawing breath. We humans are social creatures throughout our lives. The 30s is when you move from "young adulthood" to just plain "adulthood". You've still got plenty of years in your natural lifespan. My advice would be the following:

    • Forget everything that rom-coms and mainstream "romantic" portrayals push. They are not realistic representationsv of healthy, sustainable relationships.
    • Forget about preconceived notions of "the type of woman you're looking for". That's not to say that you'd be wrong to have preferences. Just be sure that your preferences are conscious of the fact that a potential partner is their own person and not some imaginary woman-shaped cardboard cutout with no agency or existence beyond your presence.
    • Forget about both "The One that got away" and "The One". Both are toxic, unhealthy concepts. The former errodes the stability of any relationship that you may pursue. The later erodes your self-esteem and makes you more likely to "settle". The reality is that there are multiple "The Ones" for any given person, at any given time. And as people (and you) grow, they may or may not remain a "The One" and that's ok.
    • Lots of people get together and marry or stay in a long relationship far too young. Noone knows themselves and what they want entirely in their teens and twenties. Being in relationships helps at building relationship skills but, actual compatibility of personalities, drives, and dreams is frequently not great with couples that get married that young.
    • IMPORTANT Ensure that you are good with yourself. If you get into a relationship, it's unfair to do so hoping that the other person will "fix" you. Do your best to be the best you that you can be. Human pairing criteria/rituals run a wide gamut. Embodying the best of who you want to be will make you someone's "fetish".
    • ALSO EXTREMELY IMPORTANT Don't be creepy with your preferred gender. They're just other human beings - treat them as such (yes, they may have significantly different life experiences due to presenting gender). The big point here is that you don't want to come off as predatory, which you will, if you are always looking at people that you meet as potential mates rather than the full human beings with their own wants, desires, and agency.
    • Participate in social activities that include a mix of people, including those of your preferred gender. DO NOT do this just to find a date. That will make you come across as phoney. Participate in activities that you have genuine interest in or are curious about. The main goal here, overall, is to enjoy yourself with other people. In the relationship side of things, this helps to build your social skills and social circles. Being open to romantic entanglement is good but ensure that you're not ruining someone else's hobby fun.
    • Finding a partner is largely a numbers game. You need to meet enough people to find individuals that share high compatibility with you. Be open to relationships not working out. You will have some catch-up in your relationships skills which may cause some rockiness. As long as you keep moving forward and improving yourself, you're going to be ok.
    • Being in your 30s means that you're more likely to have your shit together, or at least be more comfortable with yourself and know what you want in life. Lots of people find that alone to be attractive.

    I wish you lots of love and joy. My apologies for the lengthy response but I like to try to share what I've learned from my own experiences in the hope that it helps others get past some of the things that caused me to be lonely for longer than I needed to be.

32 comments