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No Stupid Questions @lemmy.world
Fat Tony @lemm.ee

How important is flirting within the dating scene?

So straight out the gate: I don't ever really flirt (yes, even if I like the girl). And I'm not sure whether I should change strategies. So hence my question.

Note: I am a guy.

Edit: Thank you all for your input. I have come to the realisation I need to let the other party (better) know I am romantically interested in them. Either by means of flirtation or otherwise.

56 comments

  • Well, as others have already said, there's layers and levels of flirting.

    All the little unconscious body language that most people aren't even aware of is still part of flirting. So, chances are that you do flirt, but only on that level

    Conscious flirting, that's a more complicated issue. Truth is that it's a skill. You have to practice it. But, practicing it means that the early learnin curve is brutal. It helps if you have kind of a natural flair for it, but there's still going to be a lot of failures.

    So, I really can't recommend someone using it as a strategy. Then again, thinking about dating and romance in terms of strategy is iffy to begin with.

    Best thing anyone can do is to stop thinking about getting another person to be interested. Outside of movies, one person winning the heart of another via some kind of plan isn't a good thing. When it does work, it's usually a disaster because the people involved never really got to know the other in a real sense. Which is fine for what it is. And it's great if all parties are just looking for short term interaction to begin with. Having that veil of fantasy works out well for surface level stuff.

    So, don't flirt if it isn't something you already do. Definitely don't try and learn to flirt because you can't trust anyone to teach you. Why? Because it's a personal thing. The kind of flirting I do isn't going to work for you.

    Just be you. Be honest. If you're interested, it's going to show. You probably can't stop it, and it would just show a different way if you tried.

    Not that flirting can't be fun, it is fun. When it's mutual, it's even better. There's this dance of two (or more) people using all those normally unconscious cues as steps, inviting each other and urging each other.

    The thing with that is that it really only happens like magic after all parties know they're interested in each other. You should hear my kid roll their eyes out of their head when me and my wife are flirting. "You're already married." That's the point kid, that's the point. We've been doing that dance for over a decade.

    Back in my younger days, there was a point where I flirted actively because I thought you were supposed to. That learning curve was indeed brutal, despite being decent at it. And I was a bouncer off and on, so I saw a lot of it. Mostly bad, and mostly failed because it was not natural.

    So, again, I wouldn't try to start flirting. And definitely stop thinking in terms of strategy. It isn't a game to win. The more you let yourself think of it in those terms, the harder it gets to not only have good interactions, but the harder it is to stop and be yourself once it becomes obvious that the interactions aren't positive.

    • I get the whole "Just the be yourself" message. But right now things just aren't moving. Like, at all. And I do have plenty of hobbies. Even meeting women is genuinely not a problem for me. So I'm kind of stuck between the being myself and changing strategies. To be honest with you. If being myself means I don't ever find someone, which over the years have quite clearly proven to be the case. Then I say: "Fuck being myself."

      • If things aren't moving, then the people you're around just aren't interested.

        You can't strategize your way into someone being into you without it being fake. And if it's fake, then you've not only lied, but you've wasted their time and yours because it's dead in the water.

        Not saying you can't change yourself, you absolutely can. But if you're changing into someone that's fake and trying to bullshit you way into something, well, you'll eventually get what you deserve.

        How old are you? It matters. If you're fifty and thinking like that, then there's only so many ways to go. If you're thirty, you have more options because you have more time if you're under thirty, you haven't been at it long enough to be worrying about "never" finding anyone.

        For real, until and unless you stop thinking about it as some kind of challenge you have to chase after and plan out a strategy, you're going to fail more often than not. That whole mentality loses because the outcome of success is eventually realizing that you're in a dead marriage, or your wife realizing you aren't who she thought you were. Neither of which is a good place.

        I've seen that shit so many times over the years. Friends, family, trying so hard to win the prize that they forget to make sure they want what they're chasing.

        If you just want your dick wet, that's easy enough. Nobody, including the people you'd be fucking, actually care if you lie outright, much less if you just fake things a little. But if you want the kind of relationship where you look into each other's eyes when you're 70 and still feel that love, you gotta be real. You gotta be willing to strip away your preconceptions of what you're supposed to want, and figure out what really matters to you

        My ass? I didn't find what I was really looking for until I was forty. Had plenty of girlfriends along the way, some long term. None of them worked. But you know what was great about that? Because I knew what I was really after, and I was open and honest along the way (barring some youthful stupidity getting laid just to get laid), when those relationships weren't going to work, we could end them before they got ugly, and stay friends mostly. Me and my wife hang out with some of my exes here and there.

        If being you isn't working, then the answer isn't to play games, it's to start figuring out why it isn't working and work on that. It could be as simple as you being in the wrong place. If the place you're in has a culture, and that culture is such that who you are isn't seen as a positive, it isn't necessarily a thing that's wrong with it, it just doesn't fit.

        Or it could be you, I don't know. Maybe you're an asshole. Maybe you're great, but horrible at telling when someone is into you, so you hit on the wrong ones. Maybe you have impossible standards. But I promise you, nobody ever gets happiness because they strategized their way into a relationship

      • There's a difference between 'faking' / trying to become something you're not and improving your communication style /skills. You're meeting women, not flirting, and not progressing into the kinds of relationships you want. You don't need to start 'flirting' (whatever that means to you), but maybe you can change what's happening after meeting people. I assume your speaking with people you find attractive? How do you build a connection with them? How are you letting them know you're interested in taking things further?

        There's a big difference from A) meeting women, being pleasant, and hoping that one of them asks you out, and B) meeting women, having some friendly conversations, then asking if they want to start dating. Those are extremes, but the space in the middle can all be considered forms of flirting.

        Flirting doesnt need to be some special way of making eye contact, or lame pick up lines. Having fun, making jokes and being silly can be flirting. Asking someone politely if they'd like to get coffee some time can be flirting. Flirting is just the process of letting the other person know that you're interested in them in a romantic / sexual way, and good flirting is letting them know that in a way that doesn't make them uncomfortable and makes it easy for them to respond without making things awkward for either of you.

      • Though I had a hot streak in my late twenties to early thirties, I was pretty lonely for a long time because I wasn’t finding anything substantial and then I couldn’t establish even short term relationships. I was pretty hopeless when a partnership sort of formed without my realizing it. Now we live together and we’re pretty happy. We are 100% genuine about who we are with each other and that’s great. Don’t give up hope. I wish you luck.

  • Just an anecdote, but I don’t think flirting is a specific thing to do per se, so feel it’s more just being honest to yourself and the other and letting it come out, I.e you shouldn’t think specifically about flirting, just say the things out loud you notice in the other or feel inside. Like tell them they look beautiful if they do. You create unneeded pressure when you think it as an explicit thing to do and master, when really, it’s messaging out loud your vulnerable observations and feelings we generally hold inside.

    You feel bubbly inside with them? I would just go ahead and say that exactly as-is, without trying to be explicitly flirty or somehow “traditional” or beholden to the norms of what we’ve been taught flirting is.

    Bubbly inside is fine if that’s what you feel. Their hair has amazing golden hues in the sun? Just say it if it feels right. You want to spend more time with them? That’s flirting, too, if you just say it out loud.

    It’s vulnerable and scary, but it’s not hard or really even a bespoke thing to do. It’s letting yourself be vulnerable and open to hurt by voicing your thoughts, feelings and desires.

    It can be fun too, since if the other is also struggling with knowing when it’s fine to voice things like that, you doing it signals it’s fine and you get all the warmth and love and voiced validation for yourself too. You get to hear how they perceive you, what is beautiful or exciting in you, you lower the barrier of just hooking up if it feels right for both, forming thoughts and feelings into words just starts coming more natural and it’s always just fun and exciting and validating, as well as all the other lovely things.

    So what I’m trying to say is don’t think about flirting as a thing, just start saying shit out loud when you feel said shit. You like the way they look? Just start voicing it out loud, and it just flows naturally from there if the excitement is mutual.

    Much less intimidating if you stop thinking about it and stressing about the concept of flirting as you’ve perceived it from media and such. It’s natural, comes readily for all, when the situation is right. All it takes is daring to take the jump, which is really the only serious blocker, being brave enough to be vulnerable. If you make flirting as a concept a blocker and a source of anxiousness too, you’ll have double the amount of anxiousness and blockers.

    Best try and consciously just say things out loud instead. Half the stress and sweat, 100% of the reward ✨

  • Flirting is a pretty nebulous term.

    My personal definition of flirting is any positive expression or behavior which:

    1. Is an exception to your typical behavior or affect.
    2. Targeted at a specific person, typically someone new.
    3. Is heightened or marked by increased volume, nervousness, etc.

    examples:

    A typically reserved guy pulling you aside and animatedly asking about your interest.

    A woman who normally doesn't touch you is repeatedly teasing you about your shirt, pulling on the fabric.

    A good friend begins to repeatedly and unexpectedly invite you over for one on one movie nights despite obvious inconveniences.

    That's just my opinion, though. I believe most people are looking for these heightened expressions of flirting to confirm interest.

56 comments