Like surely you must have acquired a clue by now.

I like to define the modern Conservatives(tm) with a capital C. It's a brand, but as you point out, they are reactionaries. Modern conservatives are Democrats trying to keep all the progress made over the last 70 years. I've had to explain this to some boomers who used to be progressive, but don't seem to understand that they are no longer on the progressive side of politics.