Schools are trying to get more students therapy. Not all parents are on board
Schools are trying to get more students therapy. Not all parents are on board
As schools across the country respond to a youth mental health crisis accelerated by the pandemic, many are confronting the thorny legal, ethical, and practical challenges of getting parents on board with treatment.
Derry Oliver was in fifth grade when she first talked to her mom about seeing a therapist.
She was living in Georgia with her brother while her mom was in New York scoping out jobs and apartments ahead of moving the family. It was a rough year apart. Oliver, now 17, was feeling depressed. A school staffer raised the idea of a therapist.
Oliver’s mom, also named Derry Oliver, questioned the school’s assessment and didn’t give consent for therapy. “You’re so young,” the mom recalled thinking. “There’s nothing wrong with you. These are growing pains.”
The issue boiled over again during the COVID-19 pandemic when the younger Oliver, struggling with the isolation of remote learning, reached out to her Brooklyn high school for help. School-based mental health professionals like social workers can provide some counseling without parent permission. But in New York, referring a student to more intensive therapy almost always requires a parent’s agreement. In Oliver’s case, that led to more conflict.
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As schools across the country respond to a youth mental health crisis accelerated by the pandemic, many are confronting the thorny legal, ethical, and practical challenges of getting parents on board with treatment. The issue has become politicized, with some states looking to streamline access as conservative politicians elsewhere propose further restrictions, accusing schools of trying to indoctrinate students and cut out parents.
Differing perspectives on mental health aren’t new for parents and kids, but more conflicts are emerging as young people get more comfortable talking openly about mental health and treatment becomes more readily available. Schools have invested pandemic relief money in hiring more mental health specialists as well as telehealth and online counseling to reach as many students as possible.
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I understand that kids can need therapy for all sorts of reasons and that parents don't always agree even if schools suggest it.
I have a totally different problem with this issue- namely that school counselors think they are therapists.
My daughter got doxxed by two other girls who also prank called her multiple times.
The school's solution? Group therapy with the girls at school with the counselor.
One of the many reasons I'm glad my daughter is in online school now. She was so bullied that even the bullied kids bullied her and the school's solution was always counseling. Which, of course, made it feel like the bullying was partially her fault. She developed severe anxiety and started having all kinds of self-destructive thoughts. She's only 13.
And no, online school is not the same as being homeschooled. She has live (videocoference) lessons with licensed teachers where she can ask and answer real-time questions and she gets assignments graded by those same teachers. Her textbooks are from Pierson like every traditional public school's textbook since Pierson has a monopoly. The school is run by the state, so it isn't even a private school.
I do have to stay with her and keep her on track and help her with her assignments if she doesn't understand something, but I am not her teacher or considered her teacher or expected to be a teacher and there are plenty of times I have to tell her I'm as confused as she is and we need to talk to one of her real teachers about it.
And we are so lucky to be able to have the ability to go down to a single income and barely squeak by because she is still severely damaged from this months after we pulled her out of her public middle school, but she's building up some self-esteem and is actually willing to go out and do activities and socialize and make friends, which she was totally unwilling to do while in public school. She actually has more friends now than she did when she was in that school, including kids who are still going to that school who have made big apologies to her for going along with everyone else. She's magnanimous to give them another chance. One of them is also now in online school because she became the most bullied kid when my daughter was pulled out.
Does she get therapy? Yes. We put her in therapy and a big reason was because the school didn't do shit besides making her sit down with the bullies in a bullshit group therapy session so they could all apologize to each other.
And that is what concerns me about schools suggesting therapy. They are doing it as a way of solving bullying in a form of victim-blaming.
TL;DR - I do not trust schools to understand the root of a child's mental health problems when the root could be something at school they aren't doing shit about.
Thank you for being such a wonderful parent, listening to your daughter, and taking all of these proactive steps to help build her back up. I agree this is not therapy and it's devastating to hear that the school thought this was appropriate. Placing her in group therapy with the offenders implies she was somehow responsible for being a victim. As a former child and daughter who struggled to be heard, especially at 13, I really appreciate you for hearing her now and doing something about it now. This makes such a difference.
I appreciate it, thank you, but I just feel lucky that we had the option to do something about it. The real problem is there are so many kids with parents who aren't able to pull off what we are financially. Those are the ones I'm concerned about, especially now that schools think they can do therapy.
I got bullied quite a bit in school myself, and the school was not especially helpful, but at least my counselors never tried to make me sit down with the bullies and have everyone apologize to each other and talk it out. It's worse now.
If my parents had done that for me it would have been amazing. Thank you for doing that for your daughter.
Yeah, me too unfortunately. Thanks.
Thank you for being an awesome parent! I buried a lot of trauma from elementary, and having their "guidance" counselor forced on me made it worse. This person actually told me I was a compulsive liar and went on and on and on. A lot of bad shit happened to me and I have had issues with pretty much every female therapist of any sorts.
There was also a sort of traveling counselor who would visit the elementary schools sometimes, but was based out of one of the middle schools. He was awesome and had real credentials. I was so happy he was at the middle school I went to and that I could talk to him sometimes. He was very short, gentle, and did everything he could to put himself on the same level as the kids he was trying to help. If you just needed a safe space to quietly play with dumb toys you were "too old" to play with, his office was open.
Anyways, give your kiddo a hug for me, if they are cool with that. Don't ever let her forget her self worth. Keep reminding her that she has a voice and that you can really say no to things.
The best complement I ever received was that I was a force of nature.
Thanks. And yeah, our counselors were awful when I was a kid too, but at least they didn't try to make me get along with the people bullying me!
As far as reminding her she has a voice, I've been doing that for a long time, but it took getting her out of that hell to give her the courage to tell some kids from that school who were harassing her while she was out roller skating to fuck off. Which I'm very proud of her for.