What's the most recent way you stupidly managed to accidentally hurt yourself?

Not the most recent, because this happened years ago, but I once managed to run over my own hand with an office chair -- while I was sitting on it.
- That's pretty amazing actually. How did you manage such a feat?
  
  I noticed I had dropped a piece of paper, and one of the wheels was on top of it. I tried to do a little hop to quickly pull the paper out, and somehow I landed on the hand pulling the paper.
  So technically I more hopped onto more than ran over the hand, but I took some narrative liberties for comedic effect.

Mine is a textbook example of a self inflicted knife wound that involved separating frozen burger patties with a very sharp knife. Knife slides between the patties and into the palm of my hand. I managed to not pass out and make it to urgent care where they stitched the cut together. Still have some nerve damage. Don't do stupid things with sharp knives kids.
- Or dull knives. Maybe butter knives but that's as far as I'd go.
  
  A sharp knife is a safe knife, a dull knife is a dangerous knife.
- I've got nerve damage on two fingers tips, one on each hand, from incidents 20+ years apart. Fucking sucks trying to fish a screw out of a small space, stuff like that. And yes, both times I was being extraordinarily stupid and earned a lifetime handicap.

I was opening a box that was taped shut with a screwdriver, pulling it towards myself to rip open the tape. The rest of the tape went a lot faster than I was expecting, and since I was still pulling I wound up jabbing myself in the stomach (just bruised, I'm fine).
Definitely grabbing scissors or a knife next time and going away from myself!
- Definitely grabbing scissors or a knife next time and going away from myself!
  Had me in the first half, NGL.
- I can't believe the box was taped shut with a screwdriver
  
  Haha, I probably should have written that more coherently, huh
- Gosh that’s usually one of those mistakes you only make once. Just thrust the opposite direction next time please 🙏
  
  I will, and I promise to be controlled and purposeful with my thrusting in the future 😁
- me and knives and cutters of any sort do not get along. i usually use a key on my keychain to open taped boxes (like from mail order). just poke it on one end and run it through. no risk to anything. i still have the last scar from the last time i used a knife to open a box, years ago.

Thumbed myself in the eye trying to catch a ball. Saw double for a bit.
- Oof 😥
  
  It was an embarrassing moment of obscene un-coordination.

10 minutes before this comment, I was washing a knife and it accidentally slipped from my hands. Obviously instincts take over first and I grabbed it. The tip of the knife placed itself perfectly on my pinky.
- A falling knife has no handle. Just have to retrain that reflex so you get your hands and feet clear and pick it up after.
  
  Many times reflex got me moving and I froze at the last second. Of course my reflexes are nearly superhuman. So fine that I've stood and watched a knife fall and stab me in the foot. (More than once.)
- Hope your finger has healed up well from that unfortunate stabbing incident, just did something similar with my middle finger and a utility knife. Tried snapping off the top segment so I could use the next blade but it slipped and, not being in the kitchen, I wasn't thinking about its knife-like attributes so the grab impulse made a mess of things. To make it even dumber, I'd been gripping the used blade with some pliers with the idea that it'd be safer but if I'd done it the usual way (which I think of as somewhat dangerous), I probably would have been paying more attention and might not have dropped it in the first place.
  Good news is that the next blade is definitely sharp, bad news is that now it has a taste for flesh. Oh well, at least my tetanus is up to date and it's not a poop knife like in that one story from the old place.

Sleeping. Woke up one day to frozen shoulder. Two years of physio and it's still not right. Fucking aging. Being 50+ sucks arse.
- Our bed adjusts via remote control, which my toddler loves to play with. That little shit tweaked it just enough for me not to notice, but enough for my neck to hurt for an entire week.

I reached for something. mid-40s...

Not recent, but sneezing and holding it in. Threw my back so bad I couldn't walk for weeks. Ever since then, I'll let it rip -- into my elbow or a napkin.
A few months ago, saw a medical scan of someone with a big tear in their throat. The story claimed it was due to a held sneeze. Nowadays, you shouldn't believe anything on the internet, but after my own experience, I could see how it might happen.

Left the cupboards open and then did dishes within 5 minutes and after leaning down, I hit my head on one of the open cabinet doors.

Paper cut on a friggin fry cup at work.

I pushed too quickly on my french press and an eruption of hot coffee water shot up the sleeve of my robe, which trapped it against my arm long enough to burn the skin. I am hoping for no blister, but I have a 4cm red triangle on my forearm now.

A few days ago I cut my finger open on an extremely sharp bread knife. I knew the knife was sharp but I wanted to see how sharp, so I put my finger on it. It turns out that it was sharp enough to cut my finger.
I'm 35.
At least I know the stove is hot
- Yes, but how hot is it exactly?

pizza.
ya, you know what happened. it's still peeling off on the inside of my mouth.

Not a serious injury just poor technique. Was sharpening like 10 knives on a stone and didn't realize I was grinding some of my guide finger also.
- Oh god. Did that after the last hurricane. Didn't have power so I got drunk and sharpened every knife in the house. Didn't notice I was wiping the super-fine stone until much later when I realized quite a bit of skin got polished off.
  
  Thank god I'm not alone, haha

I was opening a sterilizing toothbrush cover and sliced the tip of my finger from the plastic.
Normally that isnt something really to care about, but I play guitar and had a gig the next day.
Playing an acoustic steel string guitar for 45 minutes with a cut on the top of your finger fuckin sucks.
- Didn't you use a guitar pick?
  
  He's talking about fretting, like when a guitar player presses some strings on the long neck part of the guitar, that makes strings ring out certain notes

Using a mandolin slicer to cut a cucumber, got too close and the tip of my finger ended up in the cuke bowl
- Cut-resistant gloves are a must for a mandolin!
- Did the fingerprint grow back?
  
  It was still barely hanging on by a bit so I superglued it down, small scar on the side but otherwise back to normal
- i continually rotate the angle of the cutted object so that there is more force concentrated at a smaller impact area.
  also when i start reaching the end i progressively slow way down. by the time i reach the nub i am either cutting with conventional knife or just slowly forcing the last bit through.
  kinda sucks because its supposed to be fast.

A few years ago, but it's stupid enough: An older lady in the gym was unable to get off from a pullup-helping machine, so i grabbed the weights (! WHY? !) and asked her to step off. It was about 40 kg. Flattened my finger.
Wept in the locker room with the bloody finger in my mouth (I was dizzy because of shock)
Drove dack home shaking from shock
Fingernail is curved a shitty way it's hard to clip it since. Edit: typo, pullup
- What machine do you mean? I've seen pull-up/dip helping machines but am not aware of one for push-ups. Searching for that term gives a lot of results but nothing with weights like you described. Or do you mean a bench press machine?
  
  oh, my bad, it was a pullup machine, where you stand on the support with your knees. She was hanging in the bottom position, so it was hard for her to step off it. No gym employee gave a fuck, so I mindlessly started "helping"

Closing a stapler after refill.
- :[
- Bruh it's called a trigger warning
  
  Also trigger discipline.

Had my index finger too close to the center of the pliers when trying to destroy a hard object. All of the force tore a bunch of skin off.
- Meh, that's just Saturday afternoon to me. Speaking of, need to get off this computer, find a project and jack my self up.

A few days ago, I tried to catch up to my 4 year old who was running down our asphalt driveway after getting off the preschool bus, running to the back-left of him, he turned into my path to see where I was, so I sort of "jumped" out of the way to avoid plowing right into him, just barely clipped him a bit but tore up my arm and knee landing on the asphalt. Stupid, because I should have assumed he might decide to change direction or something... seems obvious now.
Before that, a few months ago I was cutting a watermelon and, with my hand that was holding the melon in place, I pulled it up off the melon too haphazardly and the tip of the knife sliced deep into my ring finger. Borderline needed stitches, but didn't get them. Got by fine with butterfly bandages and wound glue, but there's yet another big scar on my hands. At least I still have all my fingers. I was given a Christmas gift of a cut glove after that.
- I ran with my dad’s dog through the park. He immediately cut in front of me and we both tumbled down. I was pissed for a second and then I thought “wait there’s zero reason to assume this dog knows how to do that”.

stood up too fast, fell face and clavicle first and now typing one armed
- I'm sorry, but picturing that got me giggling. Sounds like the cartoonish sort of injuries I get.

Today I read the news.
...mentally and emotionally hurting counts too, right?
- I read the news today, oh boy….

Not recent. I was cooking a frozen pizza and when I took it out of the oven, the pot holder I was using slipped and I ended up with my bare fingers on the pan. It was only a minor burn since I dropped the pizza and pan on the floor almost immediately. It had been a really stressful week and I was at my breaking point. I left the pizza and pan on the floor and just went to my bedroom. Fuck that day.
Edit: Invest in decent pot holders and oven mitts. You are worth it.
- I recently discovered the joys of silicone hot pads. The stove literally cannot get hot enough to melt silicone (2577°F), no reason they shouldn't last forever. They're also nice and grippy! $2 at the hardware store.
  
  Plus! To clean grease or spills off them (silicone hot MITTS, that is) you just put them on and wash your hands with dish soap! And you can immediately use them, even if still damp, without steam scorching your hands!
  But note: they will not protect you from bougainvillea thorns, you need gardening gloves for that.

Sledding down a hill. I thought the bottom someone had made a ramp.
Nope.
Giant frozen pothole.
Soon as we hit it I HEARD something snap in back. We flew up in the air. And landed - on ice - I landed on my ribs.
I have managed to injure my spine AND my ribs.

Used a chef's knife to open a beer bottle.
Opened my hand instead. Use tools for what they are made for, boys & girls.

I rolled over after falling asleep in my clothes and my jeans had gotten all turned around on me somehow so when I rolled over, I pulled the pants tighter and hurt my nuts.

I work in a kitchen. Obviously we regularly handle very hot items (food, pans, oil, etc).
My coworker had just pulled a metal pan from a 500°f oven and even called out "BEHIND, HOT!" as she attempted to place the pan on the make table. My stupid ass decided our (mainly clear) make table needed cleared off. So at the very moment she tried to set down a 500°f pan, I shoved my arm directly into her path, causing her to press the pan into my forearm, causing instant second degree burns.
I still have the burn marks and it's been a week and a half 🙃

Cut the pad off my index finger chopping slippery tomatoes with 2 days no sleep, during busy hour at work. It looks normal now but no sensation :(

I stepped down my singular step porch and tore a ligament in my ankle the day I moved into this house.
Two years later (a week ago) I broke my toe in the same place.

Every so often I roll my ankles taking a bad step it hurts like hell for days!
To make matters worse I have unusually dense bones so nothing ever breaks.

Grabbing a toaster oven rack that I thought had already cooled, but it hadn’t. Got a couple of second degree burns on the underside of two fingers, right in the joint. Hurt like shit the first day but it’s healing pretty quickly.
There is nothing that will ruin your eating experience like nursing burnt fingers!

Trying to longboard again as an aging millennial.

I was trying to use a mandolin to remove the wax from a section of Gouda cheese, and slipped. Chopped off about 3mm of my thumb and about 5mm of thumbnail.
- I had to look up what you were referring too as a mandolin. I was thinking of a small stringed instrument.
  
  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mandoline
  big blade. to pump your food against.
  not ot be confused with:
  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mandarin_orange
  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mandarin_Chinese https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mandolin
  i have only ever heard mandolinSLICER. i can see why that would be confusing.
  
  OP meant the citrus fruit, right?

Mostly just old age gets me now, but as a child I was known for being accident prone (also called poor decision making). My two crowning glories would have to be:
Had a small toy basketball ring that I'd stuck to the full height windows in the lounge room. Stepped up on the window sill for the dunk (in socks) slipped and put my knee through the window - the glass only went in to my knee a few centimetres and I lucked out with only needing about 8 stitches.
My brother and I wanted to see how far we could stretch an old tennis trainer, literally a heavy weight attached by elastic to a tennis ball, turns out it was quite far. My brother let go of the tennis ball when I wasn't ready and it hit me square in the eye. That put me in hospital for a week or so with a detached retina, thankfully I was doing enough that it reattached itself, though wearing a patch for a few more weeks was not fun.

Broke apart my filling by biting into a steel fork.

Got done with a 12 hour shift, hopped on the motorbike and zipped off, lost the frontend on like second corner, hadn't taken into account the cold tarmac first thing in the morning cause my dumb ass thought I was just done with a DAY shift.

Tried to do a little drop/jump while snowboarding. I hadn't been on a snowboard in a decade. Landed awkwardly and hyper extended my right wrist. Though I broke it. Seems to be fine but it still hurts like hell four days later.

Poured EXTREMELY hot oil on my scalp and burnt my scalp. Skin came peeling off, lost more hair' -already got male pattern baldness. Took a few weeks to heal.

Sitting down in a restaurant and hitting the table pole with my knee. I ALWAYS do that.

Not really any injury, and rather more awkward than painful.
There was a smaller branch hanging from a tree, mostly broken off. I managed to break it off completely, but as it fell and I was holding it, it bent back my left pinkie and ring finger a bit too much, enough to make them painful for 2 days. The awkward bit is that it also bonked me on my empty head.
Better than the other one though. There's one larger branch that's completely broken off, but it's still hanging on the other ones. I tried to pull it off, but I am too weak. It got even lower now so perhaps I should try again. I mean, it's fairly horizontal, so it doesn't leave me standing under the heavy part while pulling it.
- Just be careful if you try it again, don't wanna get bonked a second time!

Not a serious one, but it hurt like a bitch.
Coworker was cleaning the donut case for the day, and left the dishes beside the sink. I decided to be nice and get them soaking, so I grab all the wire racks.
One slipped, and while I was trying to catch it, I somehow pinched my thumb right behind the nail between two others. I had to take a moment in the back office after that.
- A stack of wire racks is just asking for injuries when someone tries to pick up more than one at a time.

I tried carefully picking up a small knife right after getting my nails painted. Dropped the knife and slightly stabbed myself in the foot. Also flipped on some ice delivering a package , fell on my ass and sent my phone flying 10 feet in the air .

I had to mop the basement floor after new tile was laid and now my back is stiff.

Stabbed myself in the thumb when trying to remove those indistructable zip ties from a new knife we purchased.

This was a few days ago, I peeled my thumb knuckle with a potato peeler again
- I've done that trick, I've had a scar on my thumb ever since I was a kid from missing with a potato peeler. Gotta watch out for those things!

Used to work in a bagel shop. We have a big ass slicer, spinning blade you drop bagels into down a chute.
Every day we turn it off and wipe the chute. I wasn't thinking. Unplugged the machine, scooted it out, and began wiping down the chute inside, brushing down crumbs.
It's a fucking miracle my finger barely grazed the still spinning blade that hadn't come to a stop yet. Immediately recoiled my hand and just got a scratch from it, not that deep.
I was pissed at myself for not realizing the blade was still spinning. That shit could've been so much worse.
- That sounds like a work hazard. Shouldn't there be a brake on the blade if the safety is broken?
  
  Of course there should be, but my guess is things would get stuck there & jam the machine several times a day causing you to have to take the whole thing apart during the middle of the rush.
  If you just take it off, you don't have to worry about that and no one is going to be dumb enough to not wait for it to stop...
  
  I'm not sure if that works while the blade is spinning down after being shut off. As I understand it, the tech uses electrical resistance to detect contact with flesh, so if the on/off switch cuts power entirely, it wouldn't be able to detect that. But I have no idea how those are generally wired.
- That reminds me of my accident with my dad's circular saw. It was one of the ones embedded in a table. Tried to do everything the right way with it because I knew they were dangerous but I wasn't familiar enough to realize I needed to raise the saw so it would cut entirely through the 2x4 I was cutting length-wise.
  I make the cut and then it gets stopped by some part that expects the whole thing to be cut through. I knew I couldn't just let go of the piece while the blade was still spinning, so I hit the stop. And then immediately let go of the wood. I've got a scar on the back of my index finger from where the wood launched by the still-spinning blade hit it.
  All I could do was laugh at my stupidity, deal with my wound, then call my dad to ask how to raise the blade and finish that cut properly. He was a bit alarmed.
  Though he still has me beat. One day he bought a nail gun. He was looking at it to see how the firing mechanism worked and assumed that they wouldn't have loaded it up with nails. He kept a copy of the X-ray showing the nail embedded in his belly, luckily the fat stopped it before it hit any organs. Mom never did let him get a chainsaw, and in the end he must have agreed because he never got one after she passed.

Fell down ice skating like four days ago. Not the best skater!
- Falling is just part of learning with skating I think, I fell a bunch when I was learning to use rollerblades. Hope you had fun otherwise at least!
  
  Yeah, it was super fun!

I was cotting carrots in to carrot sticks, at the last cut I put my finger in between the cutting board and the knife ant started cutting in to my finger tip. Instant regrett.

Lay on my back. When I stood up my back was seized.

I managed to cut myself with my table saw the same day I shot myself with a nailgun.
The tool wasn't running, and I wasn't cut with the blade. On this particular saw the fence rides on a pair of extruded aluminum rails whose sawn edge the factory did nothing at all to dress. I reached under the table to retrieve the miter gauge from its little scabbard under there and scratched my hand real good on the corner of the table.
Earlier that same day while attaching the face frame to a cabinet with an 18 gauge brad nailer the brad went a bit sideways and nicked one of my fingers.
Both of these were booboo grade injuries. I went to bed that night with a band-aid on each hand.
- Ooh ouch! I'm glad they were only minor injuries, that table saw coulda done some damage 😣

Literally happened tonight, I was trying to break one of these chicken jerky treats for my dog by folding it over on itself and somehow smashed a finger inside the two halves when it snapped over.

Had a dull knife for a while and recently bought a new knife last week. Underestimated how sharp the new knife was and accidentally cut into the surface of my thumb
- Girl I know gifting me a victorinox knife she bought in Switzerland:
  Careful, it's super fucking sharp, this idiot cut himself testing (nodding at her grinning bf)
  Oh, really? Ha-ha! (I cut myself)
  
  Gave my gf a Swiss Army Classic back in the day. Had just finished polishing it to a mirror edge.
  "Be careful. It's super sharp."
  "Oh, I love it! Thank you!"
  5 seconds later, from the kitchen...
  "OW!"
- Everyone always says "a dull knife is more dangerous than a sharp knife", well why have I accidentally cut myself on my sharp knife so many times? (Disregard the fact that I forget how sharp it is and literally touch the blade multiple times every time I hold it).
  
  The reason why a sharp knife is safer than a dull knife is that you want a knife to be reliably sharp, when it gets dull it doesn't get dull all over the place at once, so you have some parts of the edge that will cut far better than others, meaning you have to try and predict where the knife will cut better than other spots on the blade.
  This leads to uncertanty and you will more easily slip with the knife and injure yourself.
  If you are used to dull knives and start handling sharp knives, when you are bound to hurt yourself, you use them differently and if you use the same motions you use with a dull knife while working with a sharp knife, then you will get hurt.
  Best tip is to make sure all your knives are sharp so you get used to it and act predictable.
  I have a honing rod and this post made me realize I need to hone my knives...

I took a step, I should not have done that.

Put a large cup of tea on my bed. Cup quickly falls over and spills itself on my hand. Somehow get 2nd degree burns

Got married.