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fastandcurious @lemmy.world

Introverts of Lemmy, what do you do when you feel lonely?

First time I’ve been feeling lonely this year, ik this is in stark contrast with the time of the year but I wasn’t able to perform in my school annual function (I really wanted to) and for some reason I have been feeling lonely since, what do you do when you feel like this?

48 comments

  • I'm an introvert with very low social needs. During the pandemic it took months of quarantine for me to get lonely, and nearly a year to realize I was touch starved.

    But to answer your question, when I'm in a relationship I don't get lonely and if I'm single I rely more on family for my social needs.

  • Is there an activity you like doing that you wouldn’t mind having company for? It could be something at home like building a Lego set, or outdoors like a walk through the park or zoo. When you’ve selected your activity, pick one person and ask them to join you.

    People do best with being asked about a specific activity, place, day, and time. Hopefully they’ll offer an alternative if your suggestion doesn’t work for them. If they don’t, and if you’re set on that person, ask them if another time would work, or do they have an activity in mind.

    I find being an introvert doesn’t mean “no people” as much as it means “the right people.”

  • Lots of people still think that introverts hate social interactions, or feel better without any social interactions at all, but we do need to be social. Some people get dogs or cats and that helps them a lot. But lots of introverted people will tend to find some way to mask the loneliness by distracting themselves that requires a lot of attention, or occupying themselves with something that emulates social interaction. Playing a game while watching twitch streams of that game can fill both of those roles, listening to the streamer and reading chat periodically. That can work in a pinch, but it's not a real solution. And I don't have a real solution, aside from "find your balance", but I know that's not helpful.

    I can suggest something that I found to be a more effective distraction, though. And it even could lead to the first steps to a solution to introvert loneliness if you're lucky. You can try going to a local bar/pub on a slow day. It helps if you drink alcohol, but you really don't have to. And of course if there's a history of alcoholism in your family, you should definitely avoid the alcohol. Make sure to sit at the bar, because a lot of bartenders will start up conversation with lone patrons in their down-time, and the same goes for drunk people getting up to buy another drink, so you don't have to initiate if you don't want to. You can end up having a few interesting conversations in a night (or sometimes none at all), and go home either feeling good about going out on your own free will (I.E. Not being forced into a social situation), or exhausted from any overbearing social interactions and therefore a bit more content with going back to spending time by yourself for a while.

    This helped me before I made a couple of friends (who I met at the pub) while living alone in a new city, after my distractions got stale. I say it's worth a try, but everyone is different.

    It was hard to initiate that first trip to the bar though, it felt very, very weird. But halfway through my second beer, I felt mostly content with even just listening passively to background conversation. By the time I ordered the 3rd, the bartender had initiated conversation, and before I knew it that feeling of loneliness was gone. It's important to keep moderation in mind though, I could see that being very effective in catalysing a drinking problem. I did this 2-3 times per month, and that was just enough for me.

    So ymmv, but it helped me a lot.

  • I play a game online that requires a lot of communication to achieve something together, there will be situations where there's a lot of banter and fun also. I'm talking about the game Squad

  • Happens about once a year. It doesn't last long, so I just kind of savor the feeling.

  • In the rare occasion that I feel like talking to someone I get on Discord either to chat or VC with acquaintances or randoms from servers that I like.

  • I don't know if it's "in stark contrast with the time of the year." A lot of people feel lonely around this period, because the holiday season and the festivities can shine a brutal spotlight on one's own lack of company. That's why it's easier to feel less alone when you're in the middle of nowhere, than when you're surrounded by hundreds of strangers.

    I used to be like you, though at different times of the year. I never went to school proms, I skipped several field trips, I've never gone camping with friends, I've had maybe two sleepovers in my life and they were both with the same friend. It just always felt like my social life wasn't as rich and varied as it should have been.

    Today, that's still the case. I don't really do much apart from work, sleep, and take care of household/family responsibilities. Or so I thought.

    The world is a fucking big place, and life is fucking hard. Even those people who we envy for having big groups of friends, or for being in relationships all the time, or for celebrating holidays with fun parties...even they haven't got it all. In many cases, they're absolutely miserable despite their apparent lack of loneliness.

    I've learned to enjoy the little things I have. I place great value on my free time, and I try not to let society dictate what a successful life looks like. Very often, the "model" structure isn't applicable to our own values and capabilities. Nor should it be.

    If I manage to play video-games a couple of nights and go for a walk, I'd call that a good week. Parties? They're not all that, and if I get invited to one, then I can be happy about that. Field trips? I chose to save money on the fees and buy myself a camera instead. I still have that camera and it's given me hundreds of times more joy than three days on the Isle of Wight with a bunch of sweaty teenagers could've granted me. Relationships? Yeah, it sucks that I've never been in one. I think about that pretty often. But the right time will come, and I've matured and improved myself way more for being single this whole time.

    A big part of it is just learning to relax and not get anxious over your fears about whether you're wasting your time. We could all be making slightly better use of our lives, but as long as we make an attempt, we don't need to beat ourselves up for not getting it right every single day.

    You probably won't be able to change your mentality based on my writings alone. It's more complicated than that. It might take therapy, or it might take age. It might even take some trauma to help you (eventually) see something you missed before.

    Life is constantly changing in ways we don't even notice. I firmly believe in a simple mantra: everything happens exactly as it needs to.

    Call it destiny, God's plan, or cosmic determinism, it doesn't really matter. But there are no absolute failures and successes in life, just like there are no absolute rights and wrongs. They're all just shades of grey, and they all carry potential for learning and evolving.

    OK, you didn't get to perform in that social function. Talk kindly to yourself about it. Why didn't you make it? Was there anything you could've done? What can you do the next time an opportunity like that appears? What were you able to do because you didn't participate in the function? What constructive meaning could this """failure""" have on your journey through life?

    Try to see these events as having a purpose that extends beyond the moment and you'll unlock stronger reasons to keep living, and to keep trying. When you become aware of these long chains of cause and effect, that's when the beauty of life truly comes alive.

    • You sound like my long lost twin lol, jokes aside I can really relate with you, I have also learned to accept myself and my personality the hard way, I had literally 0 real friends when i began high school, this lead me to make a lot of toxic friends, couple that with already low self esteem and I was always very shy and awkward, which also made me less likable (I think?) by other people, I would frequently be made fun of regarding how I walk or stand, even by some teachers.

      It’s only recently I realized that I don’t need to listen or care about anyone’s opinion, I was (enlightened?) that I was trying to actually force social interactions and in all the wrong places, I always skipped trips and then tried to initiate conversations with the wrong people or/and at the wrong time, this made the whole situation exceptionally worse

      Fast forward and I have a lot more confidence in myself, I have also started doing better in my school, and I have learned to say no when my ‘friends’ seem to cross a line, some people say that I have grown ‘selfish’ but really I couldn’t care less

      I also took part in the concert because I wanted to, none of the people I knew were in it, I thought it would be good idea as it will probably be the last high school function I could be a part of, it’s a shame that it failed but really whatever (It’s been around 2 weeks and I have started to feel (a lot) better about it)

      P.S. in my school, there aren’t any ‘auditions’, you give the fee and you are in, and the teachers were the one telling kids what to do/perform, this left a sour taste in my mouth already, but they never really bothered to free an amp so I could practice and I really have no Idea why, I didn’t really want to put a half-assed performance their (It wouldn’t matter because it was an crappy orchestra anyway) and ruin everybody else’s performance, so I just skipped it

  • I play online games where buddies will ask if I wanna join them for a group activity. If I feel like I wanna socialize for whatever reason then I'll join them for a dungeon or Raid. Sometimes I rather just play alone though haha.

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