Lemmy users who feel the heaviness of depression, what issue in your life weighs you down the most?
Lemmy users who feel the heaviness of depression, what issue in your life weighs you down the most?
103 comments
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I wanna start by saying I'm not under it these days but I've been in the hole. ironically it's precisely the thing in your drawing. I have been well loved in my life, lots of friends - I'd even go so far as to say the hub. But over time, and finally me moving to a new city by myself after a divorce, I found myself utterly alone, but also invisible. I'd try so hard to reach out and make connections - and low key, I don't think weird. But it feels to me like people don't trust a middle aged single guy. Or it really is just me. and where I think I used to attract people to me - I'm not sure that I actively repel them - because I do have good passing interactions - I think they just don't remember me, or yeah that a single middle aged guy just doesn't fit in well. Like I'm invisible.
It's been about 10 years like this now. And I'm starting to get, I don't know used to it I guess. But it makes life feel so very long. If I'm roughly half way done, and the entire second half is gonna be like this. That feels like a long long time.
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Without going into too much details, I'd say that I am in a situation reeaaaaaaaaaally close to yours. You may feel invisible, but I see you. Thank you for sharing.
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I feel this so hard. I’m in a great marriage and I have a wonderful relationship with my daughter, but I have almost no friends. I have some in passing, but no one I would feel comfortable calling if things went south. It’s an awful feeling. I reached out to a handful of people on social media to reconnect and didn’t hear back from any of them. Being a middle aged man, myself, it feels like people are very wary of someone my age having not found his “tribe” yet. Like there’s something wrong with me because I don’t have a group. It sucks.
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I understand feeling a little off, a little bit outside of everything and everyone. I feel like I've never been anyone's #1 choice to spend time with. Not my family, friends, husband, or kids. Never. It gets to me, even though I get it and don't want to spend time with myself either. It's tough. I hope you can find a good group of friends that you click with and can at least have fun experiences, even if you have periods of being alone in between.
Also, for the record, the weird dudes have no idea they're weird. If you're conscious about how you approach people, I'm already 100% sure you're not the problem. As we get older, everyone's lives are so busy and already entrenched in whatever they have going on that it's tougher to make deep friendships. Although I do see it happen again in the retired crowd. I like to go salsa dancing sometimes (well.. I did last year. I don't find joy in anything right now tbh), and most of the others that go are in their 50s+, with a lot in their 60s and 70s. So I guess life doesn't end at 40 after all?
Good luck, internet stranger.
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I feel you mate. Not there yet though I can see this happening to me in the future. Trying my best to build a strong group of friends around me. I hope it’ll be enough to not become a hermit with neighbours.
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I read somewhere that it takes around 150 hours of interaction to generate that bond of friendship between men.
That seems both a small number and a very daunting one given how many people live relative isolation today. Someone might say, join a club and make friends, but if that number is right that's an hour long weekly meetup for three years.
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Brainfog. Difficulty concentrating. No desire to do my own programming projects anymore. And without my anti-depressant I cant even muster the will to read a book, what used to be my favorite pastime. Or even take a walk. What annoy me the most is that these are symptoms of depression, but also what seemingly is the reason I'm depressed!
Oh, and stuck in a rented tiny apartment with a roommate who dont clean. And I no longer have the energy to clean for two. But that at least is solvable, I just need to save up money enough to get my own place.
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Ah yes brainfog. As someone who writes a lot, I quickly learned brainfog is a writer's absolute arch nemesis, like the devil if writing itself was a religion. I'll be half-way through writing something, fall asleep, then wake up and be unable to piece a concept together. No wonder the first Lord of the Rings took twelve years to write.
I would recommend taking a walk. You may say you're too depressed to take a walk, but it's the other way around, taking a walk can help with feeling depressed. The other two most helpful things for feeling depressed and brain fog are water (as in showering and staying hydrated) and getting eight hours of sleep each day when possible. And then just cycle those three things.
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So I've heard. The latest anti-depressants helped with my will to exercise. Right now I'm trying for at least 6k steps a day and one swimming session a week. It has reversed my weight-trend (and I've gone down two notches on my wrist watch as of yesterday). Small victory. Maybe it'll eventually work better against my brainfog too.
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The rampant discrimination and racism my migrant wife isbsubjected to and my helplessness as i cant be around protecting her during they day.
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Nothing, really. Which is the worst part. My life is objectively good, nothing extra fancy, but nothing really bad either. Doesn't change the fact that everything feels shitty. I hate this the most - I'm long past the events that caused my depression, yet it's still here as a reminder.
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Same, I just don't see the point and living is kinda bothersome. Started taking the most basic ssri and now I atleast don't have to think about it all the time. Some things are fun, some are not, but overall existence just feels lacking.
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What part of your life do you consider its luckiest circumstance?
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- Constantly nagging unhelpful family
- Social anxiety
- Degrading health
- About to fail my college
- No direction
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Talk to your University counseling services. They can likely help waive failed credits for diagnosed mental health issues, since they qualify as a disability. You can also possibly get accommodations such as extended due dates, etc, if you have continued mental health issues. Even without accommodations or getting credits waived, utilizing the counseling services for therapy or psychiatry can likely help a lot. There’s a lot of options and services likely available for you that you may not know about. I would have dropped out of college if I hadn’t started going to University counseling and I had failed several classes due to anxiety and depression. Seeing a therapist turned that all around and I was able to graduate and only had to take one extra semester. Hang in there!
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To me it's not weight, but a greyscale filter on life. This greyscale filter is always there. Sometimes it feels stronger, sometimes it feels less strong, but it never fully goes away.
So I'd say: this.
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- a not fulfilling job
- extra stress because we are currently planning our wedding
- climate change
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saying "you are loved" is like saying "thoughts and prayers", it's nonsense. love is an action, something done for you selflessly
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I know, I just thought it would be lighthearted to have Yoda say it in his Yoda voice.
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I am absolutely alone.
I have not had a friend irl in like 7 years and on top of that a lot of trauma that has made it very difficult to trust people now. In 2020 some bad stuff happened to me at like right at the start of the year just before the pandemic really took off. I just... shut down, pandemic and trauma and everything I just couldn't cope other than withdrawing from everything.
Thats been going on for 3 years now, pretty much live like a hermit now even though I am in the middle of a big city, like hikikomori levels of hermit. No family nearby. I just never leave my apartment anymore, get everything delivered. I can "technically" leave, I am able to go to things like a rare dr appointment or something like that. But I get near panicky if I am out too long, I have thrown up several occasions trying. It's actually been a few years now since I even talked to any one irl except for people in like service roles like shopkeepers or receptionists, things like that. I actually don't know how to unhermit myself at this point. I feel trapped.
If you read this and think of commenting some shit about how I just need to put myself out there please fuck off, it's not that simple.
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That sounds like a most extreme version of what I've experienced. Do you hang out with ppl online at all? Down to talk to a rando if you got time this wknd.
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I want to say, you are not alone in your experience. Millions of people are dealing with social withdrawal. Alot of ppl misunderstands and assumes it's a choice when its often not. There are numerous reasons be they - environmental, Social, and personally that leads people to that situation. This phenomena is global and the numbers of ppl across the world socially withdrawing is startling. The rates of social dislocation, loneliness and disconnection are at sky-high rates as well. So this is a global social crisis that is happening.
I'm not going to give cliche solutions but I think checking out Dr. K's videos from HealthyGammer gives alot of insights on Psychology and mental health for today's digital age, so check them out, could be insightful. He made a video on this topic called 25 year old loner
This is a major problem that isn't being addressed. So many ppl are suffering and this issue isn't enough respect it deserves. To help people socially withdrawing the answer to the problem isn't just getting out there as you said, but adressing other underlying mental health problems.
Edit: Grammar, spelling
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Hell no it isn’t simple. It sounds like a constant struggle with no rest.
I got stuck so far up my own ass, emotionally speaking, I couldn’t keep a social engagement for several years. There’s just no reasoning yourself out of it.
I intentionally took an extremely social retail job to force myself to go through the motions of social interaction. Part-time was all I could handle. I needed the job anyway and the benefits were good so I could avail myself of proper mental health care. Eventually I emerged and am still rebuilding a healthy social circle.
It’s hard and I’m sorry you are going through this. Your path will be different than mine, but I want good things to happen for you.
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The real issues? Social anxiety, general guilt and regret about the past, the acceptance and occasional pain in knowing that I'll never have a partner.
But the situation has been the same for about a decade and I've moved past the point where it bothers me other than acute episodes. I'm fortunate enough to have a good job and enough money that I don't have to worry about housing or food, and aside from work I can basically do whatever I want (the positive side of "no partner"). I have hobbies and am going to start traveling soon and work keeps me busy, so I don't really have grounds to complain.
Also, at some point if you're not dangerously depressed, it just becomes a part of life and the new baseline. I feel "meh" at the best of times aside from when I level up on OSRS, and having that kind of pessimistic outlook does have some advantages. I don't really panic when something goes wrong because everything is shit anyways, so the boiler breaking down or w/e is just another Tuesday. Makes life much more chill then the rollercoaster of being an optimist.
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That some day all of the good things in my life could disappear, without me even doing anything. The fleetingness of real happiness and the fact that constant euphoria is unattainable. That I’m not living up to my potential, that I’m being exploited and under valued, that I’m never present for my emotions because I self medicate and distract.
Also my dad just died and I didn’t think it would affect me much because we didn’t have a great relationship. But yesterday I woke up from a dream where he was alive and the happiness I felt to see him again was immediately crushed by the relalisation that I would never see him again, and he’d miss everything from here on out. I was inconsolable, still am tbf
But also I’m in therapy and take prescribed meds that work for me, so I’m doing my best.
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I totally relate to this, when I was young I used drugs to find that constant euphoria and that fucked me up even more, now I’m almost in my 40s and I lost my best years… my dad died 15 years ago and now my mom, I have just my husband and we would love having a child but I have a chronic illness and no one will give a child for adoption to an ex addict so I feel old and alone… I’m also going to therapy and taking my meds and is helping me a little, we have to take it one day at a time!
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Depression tends to go hand in hand with having a chronic illness. Especially when it feels like you're constantly fighting what feels like a losing battle with it...
Lately my sense of motivation has been in an odd state. I'll do things for others, or when it involves more than just myself - like I'll go to work and do my best because I've committed to it, if friends ask me to do something I'll do so, etc. But when it comes to doing things for just me I'm finding it difficult to have the drive to do so. Listening to music and jamming it out while programming was always one of my favorite ways to pass the time and even that seems to not have the "spark" that it once did.
It feels like there are just so many factors of my life that are off kilter, and when I try to re-balance one, its difficult to do so because a different facet is off and affecting it. It's like a game of whack-a-mole really.
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Yeah it’s like doing things for other people is something I can’t decline, but if it’s for me I have to find the motivation and it’s almost impossible! When I’m not working or helping other people it’s just apathy
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I have CRPS (Complex Reginal Pain Syndrome) also known as suicide disease. Every movement and sensation to my limbs causes extreme pain, it's about 42-46/50 on the McGill's pain scale.
That is more than enough for my depression to hit me hard. I can't work, I feel useless, I sit on the couch and even that hurts. But I still push through the pain, and I still walk. But I'm stagnant in life.
All that being said the amount of extra weight comes from reading about the world right now. Everything is on fire, everyone is mad and seemingly at the wrong person. I can't even afford normal groceries anymore. The future always seems bleek, and I'm not physically able to do anything about it.
Minor inconveniences make the call to the void a roar. Thank Glob for therapy, another thing I can barely afford haha.
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My health. It's made me lose so many connections, and lately it's made me feel like I'm invisible. Not even those closest to me really know how to deal with me and me having to cancel things because my body says no.
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Economic anxiety. I still don't feel like I'm in a comfortable position at the moment and it feels like I'm falling behind some of my goals, economically speaking. I put some of my hobbies and interests on the back burner to focus on work. I started a new job a few months ago and I genuinely like it. I hope to there longterm as I slowly replenish my finances and pay off my debts.
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I have recently tested positive for a dozen different autoimmune issues. I went from a sharp 38 year old to a 40 year old who struggles with concentration. As a small business owner, it scares the hell out of me because I there is a lot riding on me to maintain the success of my business.
It's terrifying.
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A dozen? I have a few and could offer advice from time to time... does the list include MS?
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Not yet. Almost 100% going to be an SLE (Lupus) diagnosis, but I've been subject to a battery of blood tests (seriously, I'm like 40 tubes in at this point) and hitting for everything from cryoglobulenemia, to sclerederma (ANA). It's just super disheartening to see a new test added to a retest order only for the new test to show positive as well as the retest. However, I don't believe we've ruled out MS yet and I know MS presents weirdly in men.
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Climate change. I strongly feel that we're doomed and it puts a damper on almost everything for me. I try to enjoy myself and live life in the moment but wherever I look I see reasons why something is wrong or hypocritical. I try to deal with it by working jobs that I think help against climate change.
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Don't kill yourself on climate change, do what is needed and don't over think about it. It isn't helpful
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I'd have gotten to a place where I don't despair any more. Like, I care very deeply about the climate but I have resolved it in myself that it's not getting better. That's a pessimistic view, but just following the news and hearing about the extreme weather and the impacts happening now, I don't even want to think about what's it's going to be like in 10,20 years.
I know going forward that my whole life is going to be affected by the climate, and I have accepted that it's going to get worse. I have gone through a major depressive doomer stage before and realize that's not productive or beneficial to my mental health.
I have gotten to a place as Micheal Dowd, puts it "post-doom".I'm going to approach each day as a miracle and with all the loving kindness I can muster, even if things look bleak.
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I'm ugly as shit and socially awkward.
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I don't mean to come across as insensitive to your issues. I just wanted to say that ugly is not objective truth and it shouldn't hold you back from finding people in your life. Plenty of similar looking or even different looking people are there who will not discriminate against you. For social awkwardness, it goes away with time as you interact more in real life with people.
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I mean, my experiences interacting with people feel like navigating a minefield. I've had several times where I think everything is fine and then hours later I get texts and messages telling me how awful I behaved and how shit I am. I try to adjust to what they tell me because I feel bad if I bother other people and same thing happens. Like everything seems fine and then haha nope fucking loser.
And unfortunately my appearance does prevent me from having friends. I've been described as a 2 on a good day, trying to talk to men, even if it's part of my job, often results in references to girlfriends or wives. I'm 32 and no one has ever asked me out or been interested in me. Women will sometimes take pity on me and talk to me for maybe a week or two but then the social awkwardness leads to them ditching me.
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Work probably. I make a good living but I feel like no amount of money can compensate for the time I waste every day doing work that I get almost no meaning from.
My only hope besides winning the lottery is that developements in AI is going to make the economy (along with the stocks I'm invested in) skyrocket so that I can retire and move to a middle of forest.
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Lack of sleep. Lack of time to do anytging except the bare minimum to get back to work.
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Work, society at large, "the economy", et al
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Poor relationships, college struggles, and mental health problems.
Thanks Yoda.
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Both me (and Yoda I guess) are here for you if you ever need someone.
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Just the depression and irritations that go on for no apparent reasons.
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To the people answering "climate change": How does that feel?
I can only sympathize with the feelings referring to oneself. Like being miserable or blaming myself for my individual situation. Climate change doesn't make me depressed personally, more angry. (At politics for example.) But it's not something i overly blame myself for.
I would like to know what you feel. Weltschmerz? Being helpless? Does it concern you more than other people because of your geographical location or do you sympathize with people living somewhere else?
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For me it's completely helpless.
I have total disdain for this consumerism and can't see how we can avoid anything but reverting to essentially subsistence farming again. Once you take away the shipping container, everything falls down...
I believe the economics of shipping stuff around the planet to be cleaned, then processed, then packed, all in different locations is completely insane.
If I was more charismatic, if start a suicide cult, essentially. I know that's comment an excuse but it's how I feel about the matter. There are simply far too many of us, we need to thin the herd.
I also regret having had kids and would never again do that to someone, I kinda fell down the antinatal hole... I love 'em and we have a great time, but I see nothing bright in the future.
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Thanks for explaining.
Regarding the overpopulation: https://youtube.com/watch?v=VI1AaZ9OkH8
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Climate change, though of course a potential issue, isn't particularly a bad vibes factor for me, but one thing that always succeeds in making me feel a little irritated is how, when people take action against climate change, they always do it in the countries that are already fairly good about keeping the air healthy, and it's the countries that really need it that have no active movements. The reason Los Angeles air used to be stereotypically dirty is there was so much smog in China that there was enough of it for some of it to blow over. China is still a mess with air pollution, but I only hear the climate change activists taking it out on the English speaking nations.
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I have a job that doesn't make me happy and a wife who even though she's great has a lot of health issues that cause me to take on more stress. She's trying to get the health problems figured out butt it's been a half dozen trips to the doctor and we still don't know why she just passes out.
I need to do more stuff outside the house but I don't know where to start. I like dnd but the idea of finding a group terrifies me, even if online.
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I'm sick of how unhinged people get about trans people, especially from those in the left. I can't tell you how many times I've had my identity invalidated by people simply because I disagree with them on something socially or politically. These people claim to be my allies but the moment I don't fit their stereotype of a trans person it's like I'm not even a person to them anymore.
What those kinds of people have done to my brother as well pisses me off to no end. It's disgusting how a political group claims to be your friend only to try and harm you if you don't act the way they want you to. That's what abusers and cultists do.
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I'm not trans but this matches a lot of what I've seen with people I know. My brother is trans (FtM) and has experienced a lot of taunting even before coming out as trans, in fact ironically it was the bullying for his masculine aspects which made him grasp he was trans. Recently he got banned from the LGBT capital of the internet and I have become convinced by him and talking about him that it was covert discrimination, and it has thrown him into a state of being so afraid of being judged for it he's now lowkey agoraphobic. Another person I know was disowned for it and a third person, an author I idolize whose invited me into her social circle, has given up on clarifying herself and I'm always explaining things to other people. As Aragorn famously says, you have my sword.
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Thanks. I've noticed there's many LGBT people in general who seem to feel this way, so it's always nice to hear from others who do too.
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I have clinical depression, so it's hard to pin down a "most". Lots of it just exists.
But, I'd have to say a negative self-talk cycle, probably. No idea why I do it or why it's so intense, but it's constantly there.
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I do too friend. It's really hard most days. It is also destroying my relationship with my fiance and my friends. Its hard not to push people away when all you want to do is lay down and not think for days or weeks on end.
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Trying for a baby for two an a half years now without success. Started IVF but the first embryo transplant failed. We are lucky we are relatively young and healthy but it sucks that we can't conceive in a normal way (even though we don't know why) and we have a lot of embryo's still in the freezer. It sucks so much and everyone around me just have to look at each other and they're pregnant. I feel so strongly it's never going to happen for us.
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I can understand, I’m not so young and my husband is even older, we don’t have a family, just each other so we wanted a child so much… but I have a chronic illness so I’m starting to think that it will never happen… and I’m angry and jealous of all the people who have kids “just because” or by accident!
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Yes it's so hard and so unfair. So many people around me just accidentally get pregnant and I just can't be happy for them anymore. The worst part is no one can promise you it's going to be okay, they can't even give us the odds IVF will work for us.
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I know this might sound cliché, but is adoption considerable? Not that it always is, I know sometimes a government makes you depend on agencies that hurt the act of adoption or that it's a wildcard or nothing is available, but as an aunt to foster children, I can say there is nothing that feels better.
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I don't know.
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One of the things that weighs me down is posts making me dwell on the things that weigh me down.
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Sorry for that :( I hope things get better soon.
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I just feel like I'm standing still and not in control of things at the moment. My siblings are taking steps forward in their own ways (having kids, moving abroad) and I'm stuck in a job I've had before that I moved back to because of a restructure, so I didn't choose it. It's not fulfilling but I'm good at it, but when it's the only thing I have going on it feels like I should be getting more out of it than I am. Also just feeling isolated as I don't connect with people in my team and I don't have a huge social life.
I want to get my own home so can't really take any huge risks jobwise at the moment. Just feeling stuck.
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I think there is advice I have that I can provide to the first thing you describe there. The scale of achievement is not a linear thing. A lot of people say they feel left behind by the progress of others, such as them having kids, getting high ranking jobs, finding homes, and so on, but it's often idealized. Some of those things are double-edged swords (for example some might give you their kids in an instant, as blunt as that sounds), or they might have something that brings them back in this progress.
There was a girl in my friend's high school class that those who felt left behind would always compare themselves to. She was going up and up in progress but married and once married it just spiraled out of control until she ended up giving all her progress up. She's currently living with a friend and she's not looking high-spirited to say the least. Another got taken advantage of in his quest for progress and entered a cult who wanted a high ranking new voice, and his life just got wobbly. Another is in jail/prison. Another just got out of prison and has nothing. Sometimes it is better to adapt to level one.
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I've been depressed as long as my memory goes back. It was less severe back then, but anyone that learned of it always gave me advice that I'd try and it wouldn't help, and then one day that advice made it worse.
The quintessential "go to the gym, it'll produce hormones that make it better.". On paper, it looked like a plan, in addition to my lifelong depression I have lifelong insomnia. Working out should exhaust me and make me tired, right?
Well, I committed for half a year. I changed up schedules but always was there no less than an hour (usually an hour and a half), and would focus on both cardio and strength training. Did I mention I was fat? Sorry, am fat.
One of the first things I noticed was no matter how hard I pushed myself it didn't help me sleep. In fact, it made me wired and gave me near constant sleep paralysis. My brain would be awake but my body? Exhausted. It also didn't help with my weight, despite dieting, but that was most likely just due to replacing far with muscle.
But nonetheless I pushed on. Until one day I was on elliptical and pushed my leg a little too.. far? I felt a pop and then immense pain. I managed to make it home without help. Cut forward a month and I've spent thousands of dollars on figuring it out. Turns out? Herniated disc. Which means it probably wasn't caused by the gym and merely triggered there.
My life transition from working out for half a year to physical therapy for half a year. I was miserable and in pain constantly. Finally, I had enough, there was no light at the end of the tunnel and some days I was bedridden from the pain - but being in bed didn't alleviate the pain.
I quit physical therapy, and within a week the pain was gone. I discovered that those basic exercises made the issue worse, and just stopping 99% of my physical activity erased the pain.
I floated for a year, slowly learning the new nuances of my life. I had sold my motorcycle ages ago because riding it put pressure on my spine. Couldn't play volleyball or other sports with family for the same reason.
Most days were fine, some days I'd "wake up on the wrong side of bed" and be in pain for the day. I developed type 2 diabetes and NAFLD. I got fired from my job for tardiness because I missed a few days due to the pain. Yes, I explained that. And me missing it has no impact on them either, just "set a bad example". Sure, I could probably have pursued something but when you're finding the motivation to get out of bed more difficult by the day, extracurricular stuff like that is a ways away.
Other stuff happened, I got a new job, fully remote (before COVID), my 3rd floor apartment flooded and my landlord tried to screw me over (fortunately my new boss is a lawyer and gave me great advice and confidence).
The back pain episodes are getting more frequent, a couple years ago I had a two week span of back pain so intense I would have killed myself, but I couldn't actually get into a position to try. Dragging myself to the toilet, and then up onto it, is not a confidence inducing experience.
All this started when I was 21. I'm 27 now and my health is getting worse. Found out I was ADHD (I think) which may have explained why I was depressed as a kid, but that ADHD is also drug resistant. Since moving after the flood I haven't been to my regular doctor appointments, nor eye doctor, nor dental. I have insurance and can afford the basics but the overwhelming thought of trying to identify a doctor close to me to fill each niche holds me back. My T2 diabetes has been untreated for years. I have property taxes due sometime later this year I won't be able to afford, I need to find contract work or something to earn a little extra income but I just want to shut down. I do my best to visit family and appear functional.
And this is before you compound all the other stuff going on IRL. War, undeniable climate change, plastic infiltrating everything, capitalism thinking everything. It's just exhausting, and sometimes I have to wonder - did I just end up in hell at some point and this is what it is? The day I finally die I'll start over, doomed to repeat this? I make it worse for myself by comparing my suffering to other's, invalidating my own suffering because others have it worse.
The best it seems I can do is find things to distract me. And work at my job I've considered my lifeline since I got it. But I'm tired. So very tired.
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If good vibe hormones are an advertising point for any gym, I'd definitely be asking for a refund from them.
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I sincerely hope you find someone good. I admire that you're still willing to try your best as a human even when things uphill. People like that deserve the best.
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That's horrible. A friend of mine went through this with his siblings too, so I recognize this problem very well. Are you in the US by any chance (and what state)?
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On my screen it says "deleted by creator". I hope this commenter whose comment was deleted is alright :(
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Yes, thank you :) It’s just that after writing it down and reading it back to myself, I genuinely realized it wasn’t a big deal. Life is unfair, but paradoxically it’s also equally unfair to everyone, although it can seem that your life particularly sucks. Not to take away from the genuine tragedies some people are experiencing, but sometimes it seems just writing it down can help you resolve the magnitude of the issue to some degree, and make you grateful for the good things in your life. This whole thread has been great self-therapy. Much love to everyone here.
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Right now I'm at a breaking point. I've been in therapy and medication which didn't helped and I stopped them. I've also tried to increase my meditation practice which is now abandoned. I over examine my life and my past mistakes and dwell on the self-sorrow of being the only responsible for my failures. I feel like I'm only providing for my family and everyone, although they love me, only interact with me according to their needs. My partner is really sweet and close but like for 30 minutes a day when they are in between professional matters. My child who is now an adult is on they're way to an independent life and only contacts me when they need some guidance or help (we're really close but on those terms). I try to maintain a healthy appearance for them so that I don't burden then. I want my child to be a healthy and happy adult. My parents came from poverty and I did the heavy-lifting for decades to bring us all to a more comfortable position, although they love me also they don't have any way to help me, lessen my burden or even understand what I'm going through since they have their own health issues now and they're not reflexive persons. I work a frustrating job which is kind of well paid and never got a chance to do what I love. I was raised as a coward and I've failed spectacularly to establish routines and habits which help me enjoy life. Right now I don't enjoy anything and the only thing that keeps me "in the game" is to know the amount of suffering my loss would represent to my family.
At some point I wanted to become a writer but with the passing of the years I felt my abilities to fade and nowadays I can't even maintain a blog without deleting everything I write because it sounds selfish, stupid and childish.
I still love to read and I workout regularly. The first is still a passion, the second an obligation. I'm almost 50.
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As someone who writes myself, I would like to assure you that you can still become a writer. Some people write in (I guess this is what they're called) "writing bands", like rock bands but with writers instead of singers or guitarists. No writer is perfect, we all have periods of fluctuating writer's block, brain fog, depression, economic hardship, etc. and the idea of a writer's band is similar to a wolf pack; the writers share ideas and help feed each others' minds and sometimes share copyrights and then distribute the funds amongst themselves equally.
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That there is karma and mods on lemmy. The community should have full control and no mods. Karma should be banned as a way to enforce conformity and a highly toxic.
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One idea I used to say on Reddit about karma is, instead of it being an upvote/downvote system, I would suggest a system like Newgrounds has where it's all specific moods, so people can distinguish between downvoting someone for malice versus downvoting someone for disagreement, etc. As for the mods, I think they can be good but there should be a system of ensuring if mods are being double-standard-ish or not.
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I feel like there are no happy options for me. There are only least-bad. I have a million different ways to spend my time and energy and they're mostly lesser-evil choices. If I do the things I want to do, then my family suffers. If I do the things my family wants/needs to do, then I suffer. Regardless, a large majority of my decisions are filled with suffering. I don't see any end to this.
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I too find myself weighing a lot of pros and cons. It helps to have a mental idea of what your ethical code is.
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Being expected to somehow lift my own bootstraps, and being treated as a burden for not being able to fix myself unassisted.
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I am not depressed now but in the past there have been entire years where it felt like... nothing. Emotional numbness, every day feeling indistinguishable from another. One day just as meaningless as another. No motivation, seemingly nothing to look forward to, even typing this remembering what it was like to feel that way for literal years is unnerving.
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