Dying a little inside with each phone call

The magic internet box says Linksys on it. Some of the cables in it are red, should they be green? Maybe the internets only work if they see a green cable, you know, like a green traffic light?
- You might think so, but that's a common misconception with broadband - the red cables actually help the data flow faster.
  
  That is because they stop all other data in order to do so.
  Best is to use orange cables, which still allow everyone to send data, but at a greater speed than green.

"What carrier are you currently on?" "Android but I want to switch to Samsung"
- Stop, STOP! I can only dissolve so many memories with liquor.

What operating system are you using?
Oh, Microsoft Office? Fantastic.
- Are you my boss?

I remember working tech support for creative labs through college. "Please try rebooting your computer, and call us back when it's done". You learn to recognize the people who will take hours to do simple troubleshooting..
- Years ago, I convinced my parents to ditch the phone line and use an early VoIP company. When things went wrong with our ISP, I would call the 1-800 tech support line, who would immediately ask me to reboot the modem...
  It was nearly impossible to get them to understand (a) of course I already tried that and (b) that would disconnect the phone call we are currently on.
  
  It's unbelievable how many times I have pretended to reboot my PC to placate a tech support moron on the phone.
  ipconfig/release
  ipconfig/renew
  Okay, it's at that black bootup screen now, now windows is loading...
  
  I dealt with a really odd issue a couple years ago where a problem with my external IP was causing DNS requests to route incorrectly and as a result, I couldn't log into certain gaming services. I tried leaving my modem off all night to get the ISP to auto-assign a new external IP which fixed it for a few hours, and then the change was detected and I got reverted to my original IP.
  Trying to talk to Comcast support about this was so painful. I'd wait to get connected to a human, and as kindly as possible, I'd try to explain that this is not a typical issue and before we get into the usual script, let me tell you the diagnostics I've done. All the various changes, reboots, and resets I've tried on both the modem and router, which has led me to the conclusion of the issue being in DNS routing. But inevitably, they would respond with some version of, "So, first, can I have you locate the power button on your modem?" When they finally understood what I was trying to tell them, they'd say, "So, let me escalate this to my supervisor. They'll call back shortly." By which they meant, they'll call you in nine hours at five in the morning. Not my favorite experience.
  
  Man, I remember the mid 2000s when I feel like internet service was way worse than today... hours of tech support going through all the steps I'd already explained I did, and then eventually a reluctant appointment with an engineer 6 weeks later.

My favorite is "It says 'Link-ski'".

Internet Explorer? Is that my ISP?
- Internet SPlorer, yes yes.

"Oh, my spouse was on their cell phone and they hung up now. The Internet is working now. Thank you." Hangs Up

Sorry, I meant Netscape Navigator

I GET MY INTERNET FROM THE GOOGLE CHROME
- ORDER CORN

This gave me a good laugh
Never working any job that requires me to speak directly to customers. Having worked in a call center for far too long, all I can say is fuck that noise.

If you ask a customer this question, you're bad at your job. But I don't blame you for flexing on grandma so you feel better, because we will never get to retire like she did.
- I mean Netgear isn't even that bad of an answer. Like we're in the right chapter of the dictionary. Yes my dictionary is by category not alphabetical. Bet you don't even own a physical dictionary. Come to think of it, me neither. Huh.