Is it just me, or when you become "the tech guy", family and friends become extremely entitled to your help?
Is it just me, or when you become "the tech guy", family and friends become extremely entitled to your help?
I wish I never told anyone I worked or studied tech. Especially older family and friends, because their requests for help are relentless.
A lot of friends are chill with it, and I don't mind doing a little bit of help, but sometimes people are who are OFFENDED when you don't want to help. In the same way a contractor friend won't remodel your home for free, I am not going to fix every single issue you have with your computer for free. I'm happy to give advice, but i'm not going to work for hours without pay to fix everything.
My father in law was a proctologist - and also a man I didn't really enjoy spending any time with. One day during one of those strained compulsory family dinners - not sure which, maybe Thanksgiving - he turned to me and said with this false jovial air:
"Hey, you're a computer guy. I have this problem with my Windows laptop. Could you take a look?" and proceeded to unpack his laptop, which he had brought along, clearly to have me fix it.
So I got up, started undoing my fly and said "Sure! Hey, I have piles. Could you take a look?"
He got up and left without a word, and never came back. His wife kept visiting though, thankfully. She was lovely. But I got rid of him for good that day. But I did have to face the music with my wife 🙂
There's a lot of cringey responses in this thread. Just be a nice person and talk to your family and friends in an open and honest way.
Firstly, this happens in any profession. I'm a tax consultant. People always want to talk to me about tax.
Thing is, 100% of the time people will understand if you say "I don't really know very much about that particular thing I'm sorry."
When someone says "my wifi isn't working" they're not necessarily saying "please will you come over and fix my wifi", often they're really saying "what should I do to solve this problem" and the answer is usually "turn it off and on again, update adobe reader, if it's still not working take it to whatever shop."
If someone directly asks you "please will you stop what you're doing and come fix my x", which never actually happens, then you just deal with it as appropriate. "Sorry nan I have a lot going on right now, you'll have to take it to the shop".
I like to use the good-fast-cheap paradigm for most people. Typically, if I’m giving you something good & cheap/free, then it won’t be done today. If you want something good & fast, can’t be cheap. I can do fast & cheap, but I typically set expectations of like “Uhhh, I can try for 5 mins but [more important thing I need to do.]”
I agree that being the tech expert isn’t great, but it’s usually simple tasks. Most people have something where they are “the specialty person.” You’re tech, but maybe another friend is crafty, another one is good at fixing stuff, another is artistic. We all have different strengths and weaknesses.
I try to imagine good actions/karma as being passed forward; hopefully when I need help, someone looks out for me.
I came out the otherside by becoming a solutions architect. Now when people ask for my help I say things like "I know how to do that at enterprise scale. Here's the $10k/month cloud solution."
People don't ask as much anymore.
Sounds like you are too blunt. Never tell them no. Listen to their problem and just reply with a 'Id have to look into that', or an 'I can come over when I get a chance'. If they persist, have a couple projects they can help you out with and tell them 'sorry Id love to help, but Im (going to the dump / painting the kitchen / gotta do seasonal yard work / etc). If they offer to help you, then you are kinda on the hook to help them. If they dont follow through... you can subtly bring it up (still gotta move that couch). You dont have to be a dick about it. It can be fun messing with folks.
Honestly I'm tech support for some people, but I need help with some of the more advanced stuff, so I have a tech guy too.
Physical therapy - i tell everyone to put ice in it and take Aleve for 3 days if it doesn't interfere with your meds.
I have a friend that's a doc. We're not supposed to tell people because they will to spend all night talking to her about their medical problems.
It's the same with plumbers, accountants, garage door repairers, mechanics, nurses, ... everyone.
We all think, "why does everyone want my help for free?" but we've all asked someone with a skill for advice.
I help out people where I can. Some are great, and grateful. Some break things much worse, or insist that the computer spontaneously deleted their data. You do need to set boundaries, and be candid about your own: "You call yourself a computer guy?" "No, I call myself an embedded software developer, I haven't touched a Windows box in ten years, other than yours".
Do realize that a lot of people are genuinely victims of their own tech, these days. There are people who'd probably rather not use a computer, but have no choice.
I’d say it’s a pretty general phenomenon. Expertise and entitled consumption of it as a service. Even in a professional setting, with a service/support dynamic, it can be abused through entitlement pretty often.
You can go the nuclear option. My mother used to complain constantly that her computer was slow, and could I take a look at it. This developed into a fortnightly ritual where I would remove the Internet Explorer toolbars she'd added that took up a full third of her laptop's screen, then run an antivirus scan for 5 hours or so to remove the malware she kept re-installing. Eventually, I got tired of it and told her I would either install something she couldn't mess up as easily, or she could fix her own problems going forward. She agreed to trying something new, and her laptop got a nice Linux Mint install. I guess she really loved her malware, as she soon lost interest in the laptop, despite offers to show her how to do what she wanted to, which really weren't more elaborate than opening Firefox and going to her email, facebook, etc, but I guess a new desktop icon and no toolbars was a bridge too far for her.
Any occupation with significant technical skill gets this treatment, as do any occupations with any significant creative component.
So yes, if you're in tech you get people begging you to work for free among your circle of family and friends. Same if you're a doctor. A lawyer. An artist. A musician. Etc. etc. etc.
Smart people making use of such talents will pay, not necessarily in money but in other forms of currency ranging from "a six-pack" through trades of labour ("let me do your dishes while you look at my laptop") through sometimes less tangible things like introducing you to their own circle of friends and such giving you an opportunity to broaden your network.
Dumb people demand aid and then get offended if you say "no".
I was an electrician for 14 years and now im a software developer. I get so many people asking me to do small things around their house for electrical and while im there they ask, "he can you look at my phone/computer, its not running like it used to". I will look at it and see if its an easy fix but sometimes i need to say no i dont do that
I'm quite surprised by the fact that so many people here seem to be bothered by that. To me, having friends and family also means helping each other when we can. I am good with tech, but I am awful with many other things, and I am really glad that I do know that my family and friends will also help me.
Sure it’s annoying but I don’t mind helping grandma with her Word doc after she cooked dinner for everyone
I'm a professional photographer which is sort of tech adjacent to people that don't know much about tech so I get this too which is funny because my brothers career is based around helping people with their tech problems and they think I know just as much as he does because we both "work with computers"
Entitled people might be vulturing you because you can help them with "tech stuff", but if you didn't, they'd either vulture you for something else or outright ignore you. Those people are best avoided.
EDIT: just to be clear.
I'm not opposed to help people out, as long as the other side would help me out if asked to. A great example of that are my front neighbours: sure, they keep asking me for computer help, but I'm happy to do it - because when I need their help I know that I can count on them. (Guess who took care of my cats while I was travelling?)
The problem that I see are the entitled ones; those are the ones who get all pissy when you don't help them, because they behave like everyone else was born to serve them. Those people are best avoided as much as you can.
When I was doing admin work my rule was I would help immediate family and my grandparents for free, but quoted a price to everyone else. I figure my parents deserve it since I wouldn’t be “good at computers” without them and my grandmother always made dinner for me when I stopped by to help. Most of my friends we exchange favors (I’ll help fix their pc they help move appliances into my kitchen) and co workers get a straight bill (usually the eff you price to boot). It’s amazing how fast folks stop asking.
Related, I’m always oddly busy when folks need my pickup “to just move a thing, it’ll only take like 30 mins”.
Ya and fuck printers. Happy Solstice.
A lot of people struggle to internalise how capitalism works, because it's unnatural. In a natural communist society, you ask your friends and family for help with the things they're good at, and they help you. But under capitalism, you need to sell your limited time and energy for money in order to survive, so you can't afford to help your friends and family for free. This is confusing to many people, because their instincts are telling them to act like communists, the way human beings are supposed to.
You can solve this problem by joining the communist revolution and restoring our economy to its natural state.
I'm petty and absolutely used this among other reasons to move away from home as far as I could. So much happier knowing I'm too far away to be bothered. It still sucks when I go home and get the same requests.
Yeah, my parents don't seem to understand that this is actually work. To them, I'm just sitting there, having a bit of a chat with them. I now work in the field and they have become somewhat more sympathetic after I told them that this is basically another workday for me, when they call me to come on a Saturday or Sunday. Like, yeah, I will get around to it, but I am often exhausted from work, which does make it a pretty big ask for me to continue working on the weekend.
No one wants to ask a business analyst questions, because I just tell them what they are doing wrong and how to fix it
I was always really fortunate in that my family didn’t bother me too much with tech support requests - mostly because I didn’t really get into a technical career when I lived near them.
However, I did have the misfortune of becoming ‘the photographer.’ I always really loved photography, and when I could, I bought one of the first model DSLR’s. I shot mostly for myself. I’d sometimes do paid work, but generally, I just liked wandering around and getting pictures of things I thought were interesting. For about a 5-10 year period, I was just expected to be the photographer for every life event for everyone in my immediate family, and I found it really dehumanizing.
I was not Monument the friend, the brother, the son, the uncle, or whatever, but ‘the camera.’ I could not enjoy the experience of being at events, or even of taking pictures for myself unless I ‘forgot’ my camera at home, or flat out refused to take pictures for other people. I’ve had strangers interrupt me while shooting to take their picture - both with their camera (tourists, mostly) or with my own camera.
When my camera fell behind in technology, I more or less shelved it in favor of crappy cell phone pictures for documenting things, but I still sort of have bittersweet feelings about using a DSLR to make art. I feel like the expectation sort of ruined the joy of shooting for me.Had this problem a while ago,y solution was either straight up tell them no, or to say you will do it for a fee and say I didn't get get all this information for free, it has cost me a lot to learn all this information and then to point out my degree.
If they didn't like it. That's not really my problem. I do not ow them my skills and expertise just because I know them.
I would help the ones I know wouldn't mind if I just said no, and ones that I know that if I helped them once doesn't mean I always will.
Consent is important and if they can't understand what no is and that consent can be taken away, then they don't really deserve the help I can give them.
Yep.
I have been expected to solve tech problems constantly, constantly blamed for when further problems arise due to others undoing what I fixed or not following my instructions, expected to undertake large tech oriented projects or research that take up significant amounts of my time, for no benefit to myself.
And when I am unavailable for whatever reason, my family members and friends would pay an hourly wage to other tech savvy family members or friends to do what I was negged into doing for free... and of course they would usually do it in a far sloppier, less efficient, more expensive way or even fail completely, yet still be paid.
... along with many other instances like this, I eventually realized that basically everyone I used to know was actually a gaslighting, narcissistic, exploitative piece of shit with insanely hypocritical double standards, and just fucking ghosted everyone and moved halfway across the country.
Woops!
Turns out I have CPTSD!
Years and years ago, I was waiting in the lobby of a dealership while they did something to my car. (It was a complex situation. I wouldn't normally go to a dealership for anything if I could avoid it.) This was before cell phones were, like, decent, so for entertainment I was watching the lobby TV. They had on some trivia / jeopardy show, no idea which one.
One of the questions in the show was "what industry lies to their family the most about what they do?" Jokingly, I muttered to myself (paraphrased) "probably help desk / IT support." The answer was "IT support." I had to fight to hold in my laughter.
Bonus fact: At the time, I worked at a help desk as a temp. While I was waiting for my car, the recruiter who employed me called me to ask me to convince another prospective employee that the recruiter was on the level and that the job was worthwhile. I couldn't think of a single positive thing to say on the call. (I'm still in IT but no longer help desk and I'm much happier.)
My dad tried to get me to fly out to his place in California to fix his printer issues once. I live quite a few states away. He didn't even offer to pay or anything, he just was like "you haven't visited in a while and I really need your help, please come soon." I told him to call the geek squad.
People feel entitled to support because there's no financial outlay, it's "free". Also, "it'll just take a minute".
The ideal situation is to do the work and negotiate their help in return. "Be glad to help! And you can do $X for me sometime!" Cool thing about that is soliciting help paradoxically makes people like you more. Do the job, then ask them for help. And follow up on that ask or you will be taken advantage of!
Related:
“He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged”.
The Benjamin Franklin effect is the brain's effort to resolve the cognitive dissonance we experience when we do a favor for someone we don't particularly like. In order to rationalize our behaviour, we convince ourselves that we must like the person otherwise we would never have done them the favor.
Not 100% agreed with that last quote as it works for people you actually like. But that's the general idea.
Moving to another country helped to remedy this. I highly recommend it. It still won't stop your hopeless mother-in-law from constantly dropping hints that she's having technical problems on PC or Android whenever you're around, just to find out 100% of the time that it's always something beyond your ability to help (ie: the Girl Guides website is absolute cancer, her printer software appears to be the womb from which all malware is produced, or she requires administrative support on six different levels after somehow locking herself out of her account, her business email on outlook, her personal email, and her recovery email due to failing to properly follow the authentication instructions for each, and you're honestly just impressed that a person could get themselves this deep in a hole).
My friends help me with stuff that I need help with, too. I'm the tech person and the person to help with organization. They're the people with good backs!
Now if I do work for hours on something they compensate me more but we're pretty chill.
Boundaries are important!
My family have always been cool about it and willing to work around my schedule when they needed something. Usually they return the favor with some cash or baked goods even though I've never asked for payment.
When people act like children, treat them as such. Patronize them and berate them while explaining how computers work on the most fundamental level. If they have the gall to talk back and insist they are not a child, then leave them high and dry to deal with their issues. Ideally you leave the fix halfway finished when this happens.
If they get mad continue telling them that they're stupid for not learning how to use a machine a 10 year old child can use and do not treat them like adults until they begin to act like them.
Been a engineer for more than 15 years.
My secret to avoiding this? Always act like you're the stupidest in the room. Not full blown, but like pretty high level dumb.
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Someone once asked me how to fix their windows. No idea - I only use Linux.
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My favorite Linux flavor? Uh I dunno... The one that Tim Apple makes!
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So I know how to use terminals? Not really, I just use the GUI, which stands for General User Interactions.
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How do I get this far and write code? Well I type things into google.com and then copy and paste code and it just works.
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But don't I need a degree? Nah. I was mostly doing drugs and alcohol and cheated my way up.
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Aren't I speaking at tech conferences? Nah. I just type things into google.com slash Gemini and read what the AI, which stands for Advanced Intelligence, says.
And I Never have to fix a god damn thing.
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I'm vaguely the tech gal for my aunt, but she never wants anything complicated, it's not like I'm capable of a lot, but she never demands it.
My mom isn’t into tech at all, so she has no real tech that needs supporting aside from her TV.
My dad, on the other hand… he’s in his mid-80s, and sliding into Dementia, so I have to be careful and break instructions down into the simplest and easiest-to-remember form as possible. But even with his problems he still takes the time out to google his own issues, find solutions, and if those don’t work he comes to me with his entire workflow for me to look over to see where he went wrong. And then he still tries to absorb what I’ve done to help him.
The dude is 85, with a 5th grade education, suffering from dementia, and he still does better with “struggling with tech” than a majority of people out there.
I am definitely seeing a time when he starts shutting down certain programs for the last time, and eventually even the entire computer, but damn I’m proud of the old fossil.
Yesss. I have legitimately not gone to some family functions because some people just take it too far.
Most of my family have been okay and I don’t mind helping them because they’ve been here for me.
But my grandmother’s ex used to get on my last nerves. I used to go over to do laundry and visit with her and I remember when this started, I came to the front door and he met me there and before I could do anything (do laundry or visit my grandmother), he asked me to look at his computer because he deleted something from his free AOL mail and wanted to recover it. Well it’s not that easy when it’s a free mail account. I tried explaining that to him but he was determined to get this email back. I was actually surprised to find that AOL had a working phone number for customer service with a human and I handed him the phone and dipped, hid in a bedroom away from him while waiting for my laundry to finish. My mom came in telling me he was looking for me and I did everything I could to ignore him.
That dude did this all the time. I ended up stop going over and went to the laundromat to pay to do laundry instead.
Dude never did anything to thank me for helping him. People usually will slip me some cash or offer to take me out to dinner or lunch or at the very least verbally thank me. I’m honestly fine with a thanks and if you don’t bother me all the time I see you if it’s not a lot I’m doing for you (password reset, logging back into Facebook on your new phone, etc.)
People like him bother me to my core. He even told me once when I told him I couldn’t do something that he would take it to his guy who he pays for stuff. That infuriated me that he pays some other guy for some of this stuff and here I am doing it and he can’t even give me a damn thank you.
Unrelated to all that, all he ever did over there was sit on his ass and watch tv, flipping back and forth between CNN, MSNBC, CBS evening news, and ABC News. One of the last times I saw him, he went outside and I sat on the couch and changed the channel to something less depressing (this was around the time one of those mass shootings and it was all they kept talking about all day) and he came in and demanded I give him the remote so he could switch it back, even raising his voice when I said I was watching something implying I didn’t want to give him the remote. Like who the fuck are you?
I was so glad when my grandmother told me she broke up with him and realized he wasn’t doing shit except being a freeloader.
But yeah…brought back memories of dealing with that freeloader lol.
Most people in my life are generally pretty chill about it. They don’t ask me every time they see me or at the very least they don’t bring it up right off the bat but seem to ask me about my own life and have a conversation. My uncle asked me to come by last year and I spent about an hour cleaning his computer and recommending an SSD upgrade. I honestly didn’t expect anything because he and my aunt (his wife) do so much for me, especially owning a restaurant and giving me free food sometimes (which is better than cash sometimes because their food is bomb as fuck) but he went for a shake while thanking me and slipped me a $50 bill. I tried giving it back but he insisted for my time.
Grateful for those people who can appreciate the fact that you have knowledge and are helping them.
It stopped when I started asking for 50€ per hour. It was 20 years ago.
I count myself as pretty lucky as entering my forties and not having this happen once yet in my life. All the people around me in my life either know more than I do, are pretty resourceful themselves, or are humble and kind in asking for help. Further, I've never had anyone blame me for issues they've had with their computer after I've worked on it, being they're professionals in other fields who deal with a similar level of that in their own jobs. Like my friend who is a general construction/handyman guy who runs his own business, so he's dealt with some folks being dumb and breaking something and then blaming it on him, so he doesn't want to be that person with me. Finally, I've never had anyone just show up and treat me with the expectation that I would just work on something for them. I have always felt lucky for the sheer number of positive figures I've had in my life.
You have a truck, help me move. Same thing.