Same

I have the ability to provide constant unyielding optimism as long as no one ever asks me how I'm doing
- How are you doing?
  
  Oh no
  
  5h no answer… RIP 😞

I can brew beer, bake bread, make wine, kill animals, preserve meat without a refrigerator, make sausages.
- I can follow you around and make sure that your beer, bread, wine, meat and sausages are edible... To ensure you don't get food poisoning ofc!
  
  And that's the story of how I became the village dog.

I'm a first-waver and I'm fine with that. The world is shit enough as it is, and I'm tired. Apocalypse? Not interested. Have at it.
- Not interested
  You’re missing the opportunity - don’t just feel ambivalent about the apocalypse, embrace it. Be that one zombie that waits rotting in a ceiling for five years just to chomp a seasoned survivor two days from ~~retirement~~ evac.
- I don’t have anything to add, I just wanted to say that I love your username
  
  I like it too, but these legends deserve the credit:
  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thelonious_Monk
  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Felonious_Munk

I was an electrical engineering student a long time ago, pretty handy with most tools and electronics. I'm also least likely to kill or rape people. Well, maybe not the least likely, but very low on the list of suspects.
I could probably get working communications up and running for communities in like a couple of weeks plus travel. I probably won't eat you.
I also have experience in demolition, reclamation, and construction. I can outrun the vast majority of people. How fast can you run?
- This guys kinda sus "I probably won't eat you" "I'm least likely to kill and rape you, but not really least"
  Yeah movie 101 says to just kill you first and be done.
  
  "I probably won't rape, kill and eat you... By the way, how fast can you run?"
- Faster than you can with a broken leg, sorry about that

Whacky sleep schedule, I can always cover for someone who might need to rest

Unfortunately, I'm a rifle and pistol skills trainer, handy enough with both power and non-power tools to barricade/build a functional shelter, a decent cook with barbones equipment, athletic enough to carry all that and still put in a days ruck, and multilingual enough that we won't have to kill everyone we come across right away...
Fortunately, my body regularly tries to kill me and I'll probably be in a coma before the month is out - so peace suckers.
- I'm a rifle and pistol skills trainer
  I'll probably be in a coma
  5-long quest chain to wake you up since you're the rare trainer who can show me how to use the Buttfuckerator 5000 is what I'm getting from this
- Like, this month? Or that first month of the Apocalypse?
  Or yes I guess
  
  I'm guessing the first month without insulin, so somewhere between the two.
- Why are your skills unfortunate? The first word in your post is confusing to me.
  
  I think what they're trying to say is that they wouldn't want to survive in an apocalypse, so it's unfortunate (ironic?) that they're apparently so well suited to it.
  
  It's unfortunate because I am skilled in things that would matter, so I'd likely survive the initial horrors if I'm not within blast radius and have to kill my family when they reanimate.
  Fortunately I won't have to live with that long.
- Pretty good

Mine would be being a good watch; startled easily, don't get bored, don't get tired.
- That's solid. I'm pretty much the same.

Gardening, food preservation, baking, and backyard chickens. I'll trade zucchini and eggs for everything and if I can't I'll give them away

I can sleep through anything.
Wake me up when they reestablish the society.
- I slept too long!
  https://media1.tenor.com/m/HkKwLfRMcTgAAAAC/evil-dead-army-of-darkness.gif

Define the level of apocalypse..
Do you mean like evil acts of others? I wear personal self defense, fingers crossed I never need to use it.
Or like a flood or volcano eruption or something? Welp, guess I'm fucked too, I can't swim in water or lava. ☹️💀
- Swimming is a great life skill that everyone, even older people should learn. Considering 97% of the earth is water. It's not if you will be in a large body of water, it is when.
  
  The percentage is off (~70%), but I agree that swimming is something that everyone should learn.
  
  It's also an extremely good low stress way to get exercise as you age, in a way that, say, running is not.
  
  Sorry, they didn't offer lava swimming at my school. Private classes are all too expensive.
  
  I actually did kinda force myself to learn to swim back in July 2014, just days after my father passed away. At that point, I felt if I couldn't make it back up, I didn't deserve to be alive.
  Hell, I treated it as if it was a BMX flatland trick of sorts, just go at it fully determined to make it through. I picked probably the worst possible spot in a deep river with a heavy current, and swung off of a rope right into the deep drink.
  It wasn't my intent to die that day, it was my intent to prove to myself that I can survive even the unknown scary situations in the world.
  I won't claim to be the best swimmer out there, but I'm still here today..
  
  Ummm.... We don't live on Waterworld. Only like 70-76% of the surface is covered in water.
- I don't think anybody can swim in lava.
  
  Not with that attitude.
  
  I can. Not for long though.

Seriously an undervalued skill in a zombie apocalypse
- Well, if you just join the hordes of the ambling dead right away you're not really helping are you
  
  Imagine you're in LA and a small community of survivors has formed. All of them need to eat and drink. Each of them could fuck up (leave door open, get infected and hide it, etc.). You sit down to make a list of all the skills they have and after hearing "improv theater" for the tenth time you change your mind about OP.
  
  I'm not sure if you said ambling when you meant shambling, but either way I just love the idea of a horde of zombies just moseying around, having a relaxing little stroll downtown to eat everyone, making the best of a sunny afternoon and devouring humanity.
- Did someone say zombie apocalypse?
  !zombiesurvival@sopuli.xyz
- Can zombies swim?
  
  I guess it depends who you ask. World war Z suggests they just walk on the ocean floor aimlessly. Does that count?

I'm really snarky. What everyone really craves in trying times is a relentless stream of inane criticism.
- That guy will generally get voted off the island first... Which in event of apocalypse would mean certain death.

most of the people listing their skills here are skills that require a functioning civilization in order to use.

Brewing alcohol and maybe making drugs. Very essential stuff ;)

My special apocalypse skill is culture and entertainment.
I have a hundred TV series, a thousand curated movies, thousands of E books, and thousands of songs on a private server with 2 run drives in case that happens, encrypted of course, and with a laptop have the ability to play them for others or plug into anything with hdmi or even rgb as I carry an adapter.
Even at the end, there will be communities with solar grids that will want entertainment. I even have children's series for the kids.
If things are so bad that the prospect of a community movie night between farming and defense watches isn't an enticement, being shot would probably be a mercy. Plus, given time to scrounge and loot the before-fore times, it'd be pretty easy to offer copies of that entertainment to others in trade to other survivor communities without giving much up.
How much would an old laptop with 100 movies be worth to a community that's been telling eachother blurry recollections of old fiction around the fire for entertainment for years?
- A lot of those things have expiration dates.
  Medicine loses potency or goes bad over time. Ammo can get moisture in it or just become unreliable over time. The lining in food and drink containers from most things in the grocery store will usually break down or begin to in about a year and start to leach into the food. Fuel to power any generator will go bad in six months, unless you use additives for long storage and those can cause an engine to be running lean or richer than it should be. Guns need replacement parts and won't typically work forever with some TLC and the ability to fabricate or just have parts stockpiled
  Basically most accelerationist plans for the apocalypse are not backed up by any sustainability. Things like ethanol production and a good battery bank system would be far more sustainable than the usual type of stuff that I see them preparing for. Not that guns couldn't help, it's just that if you don't know anything else and can't contribute to keeping yourself alive for longer than a few months or a year then that's just going to end up with sick and starving gun nuts who are desperate if they survive that long

Apocalypse? I guess I could ride a horse pretty good.

All my skills are computer related. I'd be useless as heck.
- Until you realize that every household still has computer remnants, and all you need is a generator to turn them on again
  Maybe it's not the most immediate necessary skill, but once you start trying to restart a community it sure as hell will be useful to know how to program and make the computer do things. Especially if you will need to use microcontrollers for anything important

I'm a handyman and a weed farmer lmfao I can't wait for the apocalypse

I'm a mechanical engineer who's done a lot of hands-on metalworking. Welding, cutting, grinding... you name it. The spikes on your vehicle and the diesel fuel powering it need to come from somewhere. You'll need lots of guns and ammo too.
And yes I've got it all in print for when the power is out. My Machinery's Handbook will be passed down for generations.
- Do you have that handbook as a sharable ebook? Hint hint.
  
  Oh jeez no I've had it for a bazillion years

That I'm actually somewhat prepaired for it and when others go fist fighting for fuel and toilet paper I'll just hunker down in my house waiting for the worst chaos to subside.

I have zero remorse and can shut down empathy
- The question wasn't how you can help bring about the apocalypse, comrade....
  
  Hey, I don't go around criticising your hobbies!
- Useful! When we need to eject someone for being a selfish, net-receiver or shoot a person dead because they got bit 60 seconds ago; I'll have someone in agreement.
  
  Why eject when you can recycle

Honestly, assuming I can keep getting the stimulants I need to function I would be pretty valuable. I'm good at fixing damn near everything, I'm good with a rifle, and I am an eagle scout with all the survival training that entailed. Of course without my drugs you might as well call me "emergency rations" for all the good I would do.
- an apocalypse would probably give enough stimulation tbh

I'm not particularly good at any one thing. I have a PhD, but not in a subject that's "practical" in the post apocalypse. I'm physically fit enough, but I'm not a paragon of strength or agility. Relatedly, I'm in my mid30s, so not old, but not spry either. I'm handy enough to fix things with instruction and some light jury-rigging, but I'm hardly a Macguyver-type. I've never fired a gun before, but I can probably learn to use one.
Assuming I'm not killed instantaneously, or shortly thereafter, I'm an extra set of hands or an additional mouth to feed, depending on your perspective. Charitably, I'm analytically-minded and useful enough in the field, low to middle management type; less charitably, I'm an NPC type that happens to have some amusing dialog.
In a movie or tv show following a group in the post apocalypse, I think I'd be like the 4th to die; dignified enough to have established a minor story arch, but certainly not enough to be a main character. Also not so unimportant that I'm killed off screen (or worse yet, ret-conned).

I could make a zombie tracking web app.
- The real trick is getting the airtags onto the zombies.
  
  I was actually thinking about this.
  We could get someone to modify a gun so we can shoot trackers at zombies. Otherwise we will have to crowd source the data of where they are.
- Hey! I can create a backend out of kindle, that is both Serverless^TM and Carbon Neutral^SM!
  Our kindle-based backend is also a certified quantum system because without an observer it is in a superposition of combusting and not combusting.
  Finally, our backend has the ability to process a groundbreaking zero operations per second!

I'm tasty.

Assuming I don't immediately die (honestly would hope I did in that situation) I am very stubborn and would probably persist.
I have been into programming and electronics for almost my whole life (assuming I had any way to power them), love cooking, ferment and can foods all the time and have a good sized garden and a big grow tent with mushrooms in it. I also have several fish tanks with plants so I'm sure I could rig up some aquaponics system. And my wife is a nurse so I'm always learning a lot from her. Even built a backyard mini forge and kiln once because I was bored.
Just don't make me kill any animals and I think I'll be ok (unless the animals were injured and needed to be put down or in self defense). If someone else did all the hunting I'd happily do the butchering, though.
- I shall hunt for our community, and you can handle the butchering. I will help you harvest our vegetables that you grow.

Moxie and a can-do attitude

I have an infinite amount of patience, diplomacy and faith in the importance of solidarity

There really isn't anything that I can't do well enough. I'm somewhat of a Renaissance Man. Shooting, hunting, fighting, farming, construction, fishing, mechanics, electronics, radio communication, soldering, flying, whatever, I've done it.

Can grow weed and am purple belt in bjj. Could teach wrestling and grappling and get you high. Worked as an electrical apprentice for some time. Can wire up all sorts of basic shit. Insulated a couple thousand home in my time, I can keep a place warm.

Who Will Be Eaten First?

Gallows humor and wisecracks, mostly.

I have watched a frankly absurd amount of youtube survival videos. I am reasonably certain i could survive long enough to die of starvation since the foraging aspect of survival never really interested me enough

- You sound somewhat useful to whatever gang controls your local area.
  
  Most likely they'll take the stuff from them. Their abilities might save them, but sometimes those with skills are seen as a threat.
  
  GreenKnight23, we need to cook

I'm large. Good for blocking entrances and creating uneven terrain. I'm a nurse too, but all that lets me do is tell you "that's not normal" and "that's not compatible with life."

I have a lot of water purification capability. And a couple of guns and a little ammo. Hell yeah I'll eat whatever critters come my way if I need to. Hunting rules go out the window when all of society is starving. We'll manage to kill off all of the animals on earth at this rate. Funny thing is, governments are mostly to blame. It wouldn't be a problem except they're all greedy as fuck. The people and the earth pay the price.

That's an awful skill. +1 zombies to worry about? An extra corpse to get rid of? Please don't. Get a useful hobby instead. Gardening, carpentry, chemical engineering, knitting - all much more useful for survival.

Being naturally avoidant of other people. It's always other people who pose the greatest danger in these situations.

I have a lot of knives.
- oooh. I like rope! and knives. basically, I own a boyscout handbook from the 90s
  
  Kinky.

I'm a master of telling bad puns.

Nice try skynet.

I really don't get people who watch Mad Max movies and think they're going to be Auntie or Immortan Joe (as if they ended up doing so well themselves anyway). And even if you are, who wants to be king of a pile of shit?
Makes no sense to me.
- You're not just king of the pile of shit your kingdom sits on. You're king of the people. You have an army at your disposal in a world where everyone is fighting over the very little resources that are left to survive. You are old and also have a chronic medical condition that makes it difficult for you to survive on your own. Why wouldn't you want to be the guy at the top, with plenty of food and water and safety? Are you saying you want to be Max?
  And that's just the surface level reason. Think about how you could shape the future if you were the one with power. I don't think anyone who wants to be Immortan Joe or whoever ran Barter Town just to go and do things the exact same way. They probably think they could rebuild society.
  
  I'm saying I'd rather die than live a horrible existence like that. I'm not sure why you wouldn't.

I'm good with tools. I can keep a vehicle running, I can build houses, etc. Oh I can also fly, so we could take over an island and not have to stay on the mainland.
- If you mean that you can literally fly, I imagine you could be a god in the new order. If you mean that you're a pilot, I imagine that'd be useful, too.

I've done some stand up and I am willing to hurt myself for others amusement. I am probably going to end up some warlords court jester.

Assuming I don't die immediately somehow, I doubt I'd last long without anti-rejection meds for my transplanted heart, probably not a pleasant way to go out either.

I'd rather die immediately than eke out a survival existence in the rubble until mutants finally eat me alive or petty warlords make me fight in an arena.

I'm exceptionally charismatic and can become friends with literally everyone.
That's a useful talent even pre-apoc.

Woot! I've been poor all my life, so I have experience gardening and foraging. I know the difference between poison hemlock and wild carrot, I can identify herbs that can heal, I know how to choose the best trees for food from syrup to bark bread, and I know which fruits and veggies grow best in which area
I'm also a mortician, so went through 4 years of INTENSE medical education, fighting against the students trying to become doctors. (I hate bell curves) I can cleanly dissect a body, know about ailments/diseases/biohazards, I'm not afraid of blood or wounds, can stitch up lacerations, and know which parts of the body to hit and bring an enemy down... probably should have led with that