Is it wrong for 25M to date 19F?
Is it wrong for 25M to date 19F?
So I met this girl by chance and we really hit it off, once I learned of her age I decided to just be friends as I think that 19 to 25 is an age were we mature a lot and I remember myself as a 19yo and I was not mature enough to be a good partner and to be good to myself.
I talked to a female friend of mine and she said that I'm over thinking it and that I should ask her out and be open minded, and so I did and we are going on a date soon.
The thing is, she seems really mature but I can't put aside the age gap.
Am I over thinking it? Should I really just take it slow and just be vigilant about the situation and notice if this isn't healthy for me or her?
Or should I let her down easy and continue as friends?
Update: We went on a date and it was great, I read all of the comments and there were some really good advices that I took to heart. I will take things slow and try to be as aware of the situation as possible. I hope it will go well :)
Thank you everyone!
Check to see if there is a power differential here.
Are you an established adult with a Real Job and a nice apartment while she is struggling to figure out how to get out from under the thumb of her controlling family? Or is she happily making her own way in the world as a small farmer or boat salesperson or something while you have been futzing around painting skateboards and playing in a minor punk band?
Older people dating younger people can be wrong because it is easy for the older person to have too much power in the relationship. If you have something she really wants or needs that you can provide or withdraw at will or as a condition of the relationship, you should not date.
I'm turning 31 this year, and my girlfriend is 25.
We've been together six years now. I didn't realize she was still 18 until the end of our first date, and she caught that I was visibly startled by it.
I owned up that I didnt realize and assumed from our interactions that she was at least 20-22 and she laughed and apologized, saying she thought I knew her age.
After going home and thinking about how well we hit it off, and how she found my concern amusing, I decided I was being silly and that if the age gap was a problem it would make itself evident.
Best decision ever. Nothing wrong with paying attention to those things, just keep open communication with each other 👍
The thing is, she seems really mature
Every time I read this I cringe. Because most of the time this comes from someone that cant really judge that. You dont seem to know each other for a long time or have a deep connection.
Besides that I wish both of you the best and maybe it turns out as some of the positive stories in the other comments. Or not. Both are ok.
I agree with your friend, I think that you're overthinking. As long as both are adults and willing, I don't see anything wrong.
Lack of maturity can be a problem in the long run but it's a problem that goes away over time, plus it is not some unsurmountable barrier.
I dated a 5 year younger woman in my twenties for 5 years and while the age gap itself wasn't an issue to us or anyone else, what turned out to be an issue, was that she changed quite dramatically during those 5 years and we ended up growing apart. That's a feature of a young age though, not the age difference.
USAian society has probably told you there is some kind of formula to calculate whether it's alright. Fuck that. Treat her like a human, not some input to a formula. Be decent, communicate, and if she's fine with it and likes you, that's all that matters. Society shouldn't come between you and another human.
Your age, divided by 2, then add 7 = minimum age that most of society will deem okay.
For example:
25 ÷ 2 = 12.5 + 7 = 19.5
So the acceptable age for you to date that avoids the 'ick' is around 19 years old. Honestly it's not a big deal in the long run.
For me as long as your above 18 and it's consentual (ie. not forced, pressured, or groomed, etc), it's fine.
Not sure that a 25 year old is in a great position to judge the relative maturity of a 19 year old, but in general terms the only issue here is if you find it an issue. If you can't be comfortable in the relationship then it doesn't really work for you and you shouldn't force it.
That said, there's no harm in exploring the prospect over the course of a few dates... just don't commit yourself until you feel comfortable.
Why do people consider bigger age gaps a problem? Because there's often a difference in maturity and experience that makes it harder to communicate, have the same goals and often puts the younger party at risk of being taken advantage of.
So if you think that the thing the age gap is a stand in for, a gap in maturity, doesn't apply, there's also no reason to get hung up on the number and mistake the map for the territory.
I think it's good that you're questioning yourself though and you should probably keep being a bit cautious about the situation and reevaluating yourself until you can be certain you two are on the same level.
I’m 8 years older than my wife. We’ve been together over 11 years. When we first got together, she was 21 and I was 29. Now I’m 40 and she’s 32.
As long as you’re both consenting adults, there’s no power disparity, you have commonalities, and you’re both at the same stage in life, age is meaningless.
When I was 25, I met a young woman who was also 19. I couldn't believe she was so young, because she seemed so mature. But it wasn't an issue for me either.
That was 12 years ago. We have been married for 5 years.
I mean, does the girl know what she wants and can she fend for herself in a romantic relationship? If so, then no, what are you worried about? The legal age is 18 in this country and if my nieces and their friends are any indication, women are maturing much faster than they used to and they matured faster than boys since almost always.
A more stringent test though is, are you taking advantage of her immaturity? As some others said, only you can answer those questions. But don't base it on how mature YOU were at 19, that's apples to oranges my friend.
No. Imo, as long as both parties are consenting adults then I don't see the issue. Tbh, I thought society would be more progressive in regards to this by now.
It may be a better question to ask if you're immature enough to date her. A relationship doesn't rise to the level of the more mature person, it sinks to the level of the less. Do you consider yourself mature? If yes, you should move along. Are you a little behind your peers? This might be great for both of you! The amount of life experience and growing up is so great during 19 to 25 is so much per year that for this relationship to really serve you you probably need to be meeting in the middle. The idea that she should have to be making the sacrifices of a relationship you have in your late 20s isn't really fair to her.
Unless she's had some very difficult life experiences, she's probably not ready to forgo the types of relationships you have at 19, 20, 21 and she may really regret giving them up later. Maybe you didn't have those relationships which is why you're pursuing them now? If so, it may be a good fit!
If your life experiences up until now are similar (dating experience, financial experience, independence, working experience) then this relationship is more likely to avoid a power imbalance, but because she's so young, the most likely way for these to be true is if you're behind. It's unlikely she's going to have years of living independently while working to support herself under her belt, or several long term relationships.
A date or three to learn all this about her isn't going to hurt! Have fun! But if you learn she's inexperienced compared to you in most things, it doesn't matter how mature she is, it's unfair to her to put her in a power dynamic where she has to advocate for her needs with less life experience than you in so many categories.
I don't see why not you're both adults and there's no reason to assume she is not mature enough, a lot of 19yo can be more mature than 40yos, give her a chance and don't overthink it.
I'm dating someone with about a 6-7 year gap. It's fine, age fades as you both get older, and honestly, just find someone who makes an excellent partner. Life is too short to worry about a small age gap.
I dated a 19-year-old at 25. We're almost at our 18 year anniversary. The further out you go, the less it matters, and 19 and 25 isn't bad.
She often states if we met earlier, we would have never dated.
Sometimes I remember my parents have a 18 years age gap, and I can't quite wrap my head around this.
You're 100% overthinking it. If you like her and she's into the idea, date her - more to the point, get to know her in that context.
If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. But I mean, I've been with my partner for 14 years (married for 8 of them) with a 7 year age gap, meeting at the opposite end of our 20s. Sometimes it works.
My parents are 6 years apart. I see no problem with this.
If you are feeling it is wrong, then it’s not right for you.
I personally don’t have any problem with age differences. Unless the older person is deliberately taking advantage of the younger.
You're good on the age. Everyone is different. My wife was more mature than me at that age and was also around six years younger than me. Best decision ever for me to ask her out and eventually marry her. Been together 15 years now and just had our first child and couldn't be happier.
Checking this thread, I'm more convinced that I missed the train by a long shot. I'm about to be 33 and due to several circumstances, I haven't been able to date at all, or have any friends to begin with. Given the rule of half plus seven, finding a woman age 23 or higher with the same (lack of) romantic history is basically impossible.
Youre both young, be safe, responsible and do whatever you want.
Honestly, I've got no objections to that age gap myself. It does quite depend on what type of people you are.
I've had a mate date a girl who was still dealing with high school drama and going out for drinks for the first time and I was kinda like "holy shit you really did snatch get straight out of high school". That's my issue with it though, maturity levels.
At the same time I had friends who both married and moved out at 18.
The numbers being different alone mean nothing to me.
At 25 I was dating to find out who my wife would be, if that's you and she has a problem with it... Well yeah.
Like pretty much everyone else said, your relative positions in life matter. A 25 year old who's already on their second job and making $125k/year should almost certainly not be dating someone who lives with their parents and is about to start their second semester of college.
Also like many people alluded to, the age gap matters less when you're older. There's not a lot of difference between a 35 year old and 30 year old, but there's a huge difference between a 10 year old and 5 year old.
IMO the age gap doesn't matter as long as both parties get what they want out of the relationship. I would give it a chance, but try to find out if your relationship goals match up. I'm currently in a relationship with a bigger age difference than that and so far we are doing pretty good.
I don't think anyone can answer this question for you, it's a question for yourself. Do you personally feel like your taking advantage of her age difference? If no, then you're good. If the answer is anything other than no, then I think you need to reevaluate the relationship until you come up with a yes or no answer for yourself.
I am in no position to argue as I never was enganged in a relationship as a 24 y/o but I'd say if both consent to it and both communicate their issues there is nothing wrong with it. Both parties are now considered adults.
Communication is key. Communicate your worries and see how she react.I've seen many kids well into their 30s, and I've seen many old souls just entering 20s. Maturity comes at different stages for everyone, and some don't get it at all. Don't Overthinking the age gap, what you really need is mental compatibility. If it's there then you'll be fine.
That's a fine age gap. Y'all are both adults
If she's cool with it then who gives a fuck
Is she just starting college? A relationship with someone who's not at her school might be rough for her. I'd be forever disappointed if I didn't have those life experiences.
My grampa divorced my grandma and married a woman that's 12 years younger. They have been together for 40 years now and have 3 kids. Go for it dude.
Who are we to get in the way of true love? In the words of Shia LeBeouf, just do it.
I met a woman once when I was 27, and we really clicked. She was amazing, fun to talk to, and beautiful. But then I found out she was only 19 years old and I nearly ended it. I didn't, because we got along so well.
I'm 43 now. She's 35. We've been married for 14 years. She is still amazing, fun to talk to, she has an incredible green thumb and she's grown awesome stuff for us to eat. She nursed a sick chicken back to life last week. The only nights we don't have sex are the nights we are recovering from a marathon session in bed. She has deep green eyes and beautiful long legs.
So based on my anecdotal "evidence", I say go for it.
I think you asking means you are not in it for the wrong reasons, don't deny yourself happiness becuase of what others might think
No, it's actually very good.
You are right to consider the age gap, I would say the best bet for you to mitigate your concerns is to not put any sort of commitment in place until she's old enough that you're not concerned about the age gap anymore.
At 19 years old, you're not even old enough to drink if you're interested the US. I would probably say give her until 22 before you do anything that's going to evolve any sort of commitment or possible long-term consequence for either of you. In the meantime, there's nothing wrong with some low commitment dating.
Imagine assuming someone is not mature enough without knowing the person that much. Not everyone is like you
No? Are you retarded?
No. Don't be a clown.