6mo ago

Anon wants to play a game

134 comments

As a former cashier (grocery store not walmart admittedly, but I doubt things are that different), I dont think weird uses for the items are the way to go, the cashier is barely even going to notice or care what you're buying. what I bring to freak out the cashier, are some item that needs ID to buy, some big heavy item with the barcode removed so that it will take a bunch of lifting and turning in a hopeless effort to find it before someone eventually has to go find another one and bring it over, and a propane refill if walmart does those (at my grocery store the process to go find a full one was a pain, especially in the winter since they were outside). Further, I try to buy these items with the help of a ton of expired and unexpired coupons mixed together, several gift cards, and a stubborn half-deaf old person who wont take no for an answer.
- You are a fucking monster. The point of this was to have some laughs not cause a poor walmart employee to beat their spouse or off them selves. Damn you're cruel.
  
  Hey, it could always get worse. I could also specify that these items are purchased on a Sunday that a locally favored football team happens to be playing a game, during the rush of people buying snacks and soda.
- Would it be more or less frustrating if instead of an old person, it's a middle aged person who clearly doesn't understand the language but keeps smiling and nodding as if you're on the same page and any time you try to prompt for information, they encouragingly push their items towards you or try to pay you in a currency you don't recognize?
  
  A bit less, partly because it's easier to be sympathetic to those people, and partly because, in my experience, it can be helped by getting out google translate on one's phone, if one can figure out which language it is
- How make a cashier consider on the job suicide
- What aisle has the half-dead old person

I'm going with the classic:
Pringles can
Gloves
Sponge
- Going in dry I see
  
  Once you pop, the fun don't stop. Shit's getting chafed up in this bitch

Webcam, cactus and KY
- You can't buy Kentucky at Walmart.
  
  Oh, I thought they sold it by the Florida ounce
  
  I hope you are trying to be slick
- Swap cactus for mason jar

How to end up on a watchlist:
Pressure cooker, nails, prepaid phone
- Casio F-91W watch, soldering iron, electronics wire.
- You're going to hang up balloons and cook a homemade meal for your SO on their birthday, and surprise them with a new phone

Gun, bleach, get well card.

Kid's backpack, kid's lunchbox, and a gun.
The back to school in America special.
- Put the gun in the lunchbox and the lunchbox in the backpack

Mop, wire coat hanger, pregnancy test.

bleach, ammonia based cleaner, mixing container.
uh oh, accidental chloramine gas bomb
reminder people, do NOT mix bleach with ammonia based cleaners to "speed up cleaning". youll accidentally speed up life
- Why doesn't this happen when I piss in bleach
  
  Brother if you're pissing straight ammonia you've got other problems. Your body specifically coverts ammonia to urea because it's toxic to you and it's usually bacteria that converts it back.
  
  It's diluted
  
  It does happen, you just don't get that much of a reaction because it's diluted. You definitely don't want to stick around the fumes that it gives off though.
  
  Why do you piss in bleach?

KY
inside out glove
couch
- What's a KY?
  
  Lube
  
  Kentucky

I'm good at this
Alligator clamps
Belt
Laxatives
Shipping boxes
Meat cleaver
Adult diapers
Birth control
Bucket
Bleach
Night vision goggles
Fingerless gloves
Bubble bath
Massager
Leather boots
Farady cage EMP bag
Zip ties
Meat grinder
Swim goggles
Funnel
Butt lifting suit
Rope
Prescription strength deodorant
Dog crate
Sorry for your loss card
Wooden cross
Ammo
Jock strap
Okay, actually it's just a script I wrote.

The easy-way-to-end-up-with-a-police-visit classic:
Plan B pill
Giant "9" balloon
Vodka.

Gun, ammunition, balaclava
- Gun ammunition, baklava
  
  Hmmm, a baklava gun.
  Now I want some of that sweet full-auto pastry goodness.
  
  Last meal
- This depends on the color of your skin. Anything darker than a farmer's tan and she's probably calling her manager over, but otherwise she probably won't bat an eye.
  
  Here, terrorists in balaclavas are stereotypically white
- You ain't never been hunting have you

I once bought 50 cans of butane. That caused a stir. Managers got involved, I was asked a whole bunch of questions about what I was doing, it was annoying.
Oh yeah, also had a similar experience with spray paint.
- I painted my skoolie (used school bus converted to a motor home) with about sixty cans of Rustoleum. It was annoying as fuck trying to buy the stuff at Home Depot. Like, I'm going to go tagging with fucking Antique White spray paint?
  
  More like huff yourself to death
- What WERE you doing?
  
  Making drugs, and graffiti

I think some of you have never been to Walmart and give the employees way too much credit in the intelligence department
- I mean it's more likely that they just don't give a shit anymore.
  
  Yeah, your weird items are probably not even the weirdest the cashier has seen today. And the cashiers are probably barely paying attention to what the items are anyway. They just don't care. They scan the item, the machine beeps, so they put it on the belt. I bet 90% of the time if you asked a cashier what the last item they scanned was, they wouldn't have any idea.
- Do you feel good being so vastly intellectually superior to those dumb fucks serving you? Must be awesome 😊

Car battery
Jumper cables
Duct tape
If you get a bonus then bleach, lye, or tarp rounds it out. Have fun talking to the local police!
- None of this would attract attention, this is what you would buy to work on an old car. You don't get out much do you? 🤣
  
  Are you working on the car or doing a patch job until you can work on the car?
  
  Went out once to buy movie tickets, get back to the old big screen to experience it properly again. But it was very noisy and busy so it was more than enough with just the one time.
- I'd go for jumpers, tape, and a tarp. Using the car battery makes it seem like your car battery died. Rope would also make it creepy.
  
  That's also all stuff you can use while working on your vehicle.
- I can never remember; is it the left or right nipple that goes to battery positive??

Whiskey, hammer, baby rattle.
- You're going to surprise some friends' newborn with a custom baby rattle made from an empty whiskey bottle and the handle of a hammer. Very chique

Sodium Hydroxide, hacksaw, large trash can
- In the era of ai and facial recognition, this is the only one so far that seems like it could plausibly get you a knock on the door from law enforcement. Good job.

Rope, duck tape, and a tarp.

Chlorine, ammonia and a large plastic tub

Shovel, biodegradable garbage bags and zip ties.
- You're going to clean up a beach with some friends? How thoughtful of you!
- They're only biodegradable when exposed to the sun.
  
  So you are saying to only use the bag for transport. Leave the bags out in the sun afterwards.

I’m very disappointed. I couldn’t find any cardboard tubes at my local Walmart.
Anyway:
Cardboard tube, at least 3” in diameter
Gerbil food
Candlesticks
- Check in the party section, over by the office supplies. Wrapping paper makes great cardboard tubes.
  Source: I, uh... saw it in a movie, yeah
  
  The hero we deserve!

Small plastic bags, rubber bands and viagra. (does Walmart sell viagra?)

"The 100 piece puzzles were too hard..."

Toaster, bathtub plug, pop tarts

Screws, hammer, sledgehammer

A gallon of blood, tampons, and a Popsicle kit.
- What Walmart sells blood?!
  
  Ask for it special from the deli/meat section or settle for the fake stuff during Halloween, I guess?
  
  some sell blood in the meat department. This is only likely to be found in a place with a big population that uses it, commonly, in cooking.
- Username checks out

Apples, razor blades, carmel

Gatorade
Pregnancy tests
Plan B
- Even worse:
  Gatorade
  Pregnancy test
  Wire coat hangers

Couch, lube, a Barry White album.

Duct tape, Rope, newspaper

Super hard mode: 2 items
Vaginal cream and a fly swatter
- Frozen pizza and canned pineapple
  
  This is the best one so far 😂

Bleach, a saw, and cat litter.

Frozen pizza
Baking sheets
Sliced pineapple
- We're trying to freak them out, not get a fist bump
  
  I think pineapple on pizza is maybe even more divisive than cilantro/coriander. I'm pro both

Rope Duct tape Zip ties
Keep it simple.
- Going to hoist yourself up and finally sort out that leaky drainpipe I see

a turkey baster and bleach

Carrots Vegetable peeler Lube
- What's a peeler lube? Or is it carrots vegetable?
  
  I think the comment is missing some commas. This is what I think it's supposed to be:
  Carrots, Vegetable peeler, Lube

I've got this. Showing up with just these items in your basket at Walmart would be certain to raise questions:
One script for a pilot of a series about the adventures of Thom Bombadil
One 1/2 scale, fully functional zamboni emblazoned with the San Jose Sharks team logo
One 1.75l bottle of Kirkland Signature French Vodka
- The vodka would probably get you thrown out

134 comments