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Went to a cousin's wedding, her parents split when she was little so I'd not seen my Uncle Mal for decades. Tbh everyone was expecting him not to show because he's a selfish twat and knows nobody likes him.
Surprise, Mal is here. He had an inexplicably-attractive, younger date (Mal was a disgusting, horrid-breathed, lumpy old man and his date was a pretty, well-spoken woman in her 30s so we all assumed she was an escort, as Mal has no redeeming qualities).
The whole time everyone is desperately avoiding being stuck alone with him, and everyone is talking about having the same conversation... Mal has written a book, he's a writer now, and he's written a poem he wants to read.
He was given many hints, subtle and not-so-subtle that his poem wasn't wanted and he agreed not to read it. Unfortunately whether due to ego or wine, he loudly interrupted someone elses toast to announce he had a poem to read. Our collective hearts sank.
It was worse than we expected, at one point including cringe-inducing references to his daughter having large breasts. It went on and on for at least 5 minutes of everyone silently looking at the floor, sneaking the occasional "No way he just said that?!" glances at each other. He eventually finished, and just stood there awkwardly for about 10 secs, I assume waiting for applause, which obviously was not forthcoming.
Read the fucking room Mal, no-one wants to hear your shitty poem and no-one cares that you're (allegedly) a published writer now. And your breath smells like a fart pushed through an onion.
That sounds horrible but in good news this was probably the funniest story I've heard on Lemmy so far
The last sentence I will admit is a shameless ripoff of a line from It's Always Sunny, rest is my writing so I'm glad you enjoyed it. At least some good came from suffering his presence!
It reminds me of Malcom in the Middle where Hal thinks he's supposed to speak at every funeral. No one wants him to speak so they all look over at him to see if he's going to anyway. He always takes it as a sign they they want him to speak. 😂
And your breath smells like a fart pushed through an onion.
My sides
Honesty compels me to inform you that this ending sentence was shamelessly stolen from It's Always Sunny. Highly recommend it, first season is a bit ropey as they are literally filming, writing, scripting themselves with no experience and at the start of their acting careers. An incredible show though imo!
I swear this feels like a plot point from a Righteous Gemstones episode. Sounds like you have a real life Uncle Baby Billy
I've been meaning to watch this show but I was put off by the evangelical-ness of it... worth watching then? This happened in the UK about 8 yrs ago!
I was the same way. Especially as someone who lives in Texas and is surrounded by those types. Not to give anything away but it is closer to mobster than evangelicals.
Always looking for new funny shows to watch so I'll give it a go, thanks for the rec.
I could just hear the tone in your voice when reading this. Great storytelling.
"Read the fucking room Mal" deserves to become a thing.
If I ever see an unkind comment and someone replies with "Read the fucking room Mal" I think I'd lose my shit with delight