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It never gets better.
People's hatred of the other is a religion to them. They define themselves by who they dehumanize. They will never stop dehumanizing you because they need to do so to cope with their own self-hatred.
No one will ever accept you, because accepting you, in their own twisted minds, is killing themselves.
I know this is much easier to say than it is to internalize and believe, but it doesn't matter what any singular person thinks about you. There are people out there who do their best to understand and accept you as you are, without using what they learned to make half-assed guesses about the rest of who you are. They may be few and far between (or maybe not), but I know they exist. As soon as you start looking for those who accept you instead of trying to be accepted by those who don't, you'll be on a better course. And don't be afraid of anti-depressants. Depression makes yiu want to give up on fighting, makes you think nothing can help. It's a lie by which the illness sustains itself. By listening to that lie, you may protect yourself from harm, but you'll also "protect" yourself from finding happiness.
And remember, parents, old friends, etc. who don't necessarily get you too well aren't necessarily trying to be cruel, but you may never have quite the relationship with them you wish you could. They have their own problems from their own anxieties and abuse growing up, their own mental health issues, etc., and that can limit the depth of relationships they can achieve with you. Try to be patient, but don't drive yourself insane trying to achieve what isn't possible.
And if you feel like you don't belong, maybe you don't, and maybe that's okay. Maybe you're neurodivergent or simply have morals or interests that are incompatible with theirs. But the fact remains, there is someone who will accept you and with whom you can belong in peace, if you can open yourself up to let them. You haven't lost until the last time you give up on finding them. Giving up on something you still deeply care about, without eventually picking it back up again, is the only failure. It's okay to quit, but don't be afraid to come back to it if you care about it.
~ advice I try to accept myself, would give my younger self, and may hopefully be at least a little helpful for you
it doesn’t matter what any singular person thinks about you.
This is only true in the sense that it's the masses who mindlessly believe what manipulators tell them that are the real threat. They become mindless, raging mobs who will slaughter whoever they're told to slaughter without hesitation or thought. That's the real problem. The average person can be led by the nose as if they were cattle by anyone amoral enough to mislead.
There are people out there who do their best to understand and accept you as you are, without using what they learned to make half-assed guesses about the rest of who you are.
No they don't. Stop lying to me.
They may be few and far between
Then by definition they are ineffective and therefore don't count. The only people who matter are those who can crush the angry mobs described above. A single person will be drawn and quartered by the above as soon as they are discovered.
I know they exist.
PROVE IT!!!
Drag their bodies before me!
I'm sick and tired of assholes like you asserting bullshit you can't prove. You have no right to simply assume shit you can't prove yourself. If you want me to believe your horseshit, then hunt these people down yourself, drag them to me via meathooks, and bodily prove their existence. I will never simply believe what anyone tells me simply because "they said so".
As soon as you start looking for those who accept you instead of trying to be accepted by those who don’t, you’ll be on a better course.
I've done that for FIFTY YEARS and found exactly NO ONE!!! This is why know you're a liar. You're just another asshole trying to pin the blame on me for your abusiveness, saying I haven't done enough to find people who don't exist.
And remember, parents, old friends, etc. who don’t necessarily get you too well aren’t necessarily trying to be cruel, but you may never have quite the relationship with them you wish you could.
My parents built a shed for the sole purpose of tying me to a chair and beating me with phonebooks to torture me. I don't "not have quite the relationship with them you wish you could" - you motherfuckers methodically torture me and try to destroy my free will because you all assert I'm a slave object to be commanded and obey you without question. Don't bullshit me with this "relationship" nonsense - you want me either obedient or dead; nothing else is acceptable to any of you. Quit pretending you're any less of a monster than you are.
And if you feel like you don’t belong, maybe you don’t, and maybe that’s okay.
How is it okay when you motherfuckers will do anything to kill the people who "don't belong?" If you bastards are willing to murder millions of people who "don't belong" in your genocides, it's clear than belonging is an absolute necessity for survival. Either I "belong" or everyone else is an existential threat.
You haven’t lost until the last time you give up on finding them.
Fuck you. I already gave up on every finding them - the fact that you assholes were willing to inflict PTSD on a child proved beyond a shadow of doubt how evil the human species was. It's literally impossible for humanity to be any good and yet allow children to have PTSD inflicted on them. Humanity has to make a choice - and it chose its own pleasure at the cost of child trauma. That choice forever damned it; the human species is irredeemable and will drive itself to extinction through making its children non-viable through trauma.
But I didn't "lose" - you motherfuckers failed me. You failed every child you let get abused. That blame does NOT fall on me - that falls on every person who abuses me, even if the form of abuse is neglect.
Yeah, that's definitely some fucked up shit. You didn't deserve to be tormented like that. There are some really fucked up people, and you've met far more than your share of them. If you don't have the strength to get up, I get it. It's understandable. And they did fail you. your parents, your teachers, your police force, and every authority figure who could have intervened but didn't--all of them bear the blame for what you went through.
I don't have the time to respond in detail, but I can say a few more things:
- I can attest that I won't deliberately hurt anyone. I've lashed out at people verbally when I was in a bad place, but that's the extent of it. Hell, I was bit by a random dog a few months ago and my first thought was "what happened to this dog that made it afraid of me?". I know there are tolerant people because I talk to a few regularly, and because I do my best to be one myself.
- I don't know what you've tried, but there's a therapy called EMDR that is designed to help people with PTSD. Basically, you sit down with a trained professional and go through the memories that are stuck in your head while following some specific exercises that help you avoid getting sucked too far into them. I've heard it's really helpful for some people.
- I get the feeling you recognize that I'm not the same person who hurt you, but if not, please try to remember that each person is unique. Some of them are assholes, some of them are neutral or even helpful. And if you approach anyone with aggression, you'll usually find they respond with either fear or aggression. If you go to a bar or a crowded public park and just say "hello" in a somewhat positive tone to a few people, I bet you'll get a range of responses. Some of them might be suspicious or want to be left alone, and some will likely be open to a conversation.
If you don’t have the strength to get up, I get it. It’s understandable.
It's not about a lack of "strength" - or anything else I lack. Quit making it about "my failure". It's about humanity not deserving such regard. Until it accepts its punishment and changes how it behaves, it deserves nothing. Giving them anything before they change their behavior only teaches them to continue to behave badly. One cannot take as a precept that human beings have some internal "morality" that they won't just ignore.
I can attest that I won’t deliberately hurt anyone.
I know there are tolerant people because I talk to a few regularly, and because I do my best to be one myself.
No, you cannot. They will not tolerate me, and when faced with me, you will not tolerate me. You will regard me just as you regard the dog that bit you - with fear and anger at its audacity.
I don’t know what you’ve tried
I've tried everything - including EMDR. I have no in-tact memories - my brain ripped them all apart trying to find patterns in people's random, irrational behavior. It destroyed them because there were no patterns - you people are just fucking nuts, wallowing in your emotions.
I get the feeling you recognize that I’m not the same person who hurt you, but if not, please try to remember that each person is unique.
You assholes make a point of trying to be exactly like each other - because you motherfuckers try to exterminate anyone not exactly like you. The whole goddamned problem is your world-wide obsession with fearing and hating difference. You all would rather cut out any differences in yourselves with a hatchet than be different from one another - because you all know you'd gladly swing a hatchet into anyone you found different. Again, genocides are waged against kinsfolk - they're waged against the "other".
You, the individual, are not different from anyone else - you wouldn't still exist if you were. What makes you so special that they would let you live after killing off so many "others"?
If you go to a bar or a crowded public park and just say “hello” in a somewhat positive tone to a few people, I bet you’ll get a range of responses.
That is exactly what I did my entire childhood, and I only ever got one response - mocking derision or violence. Don't hand me this "range of responses" bullshit - you people have neither the cognitive ability nor the courage to respond in any way the person beside you didn't also respond. No one was "open to a conversation" - they all beat me and called me every name they could think of.
Face the fact that you are all delusional about the monsters you really are. You tell yourselves comforting lies about yourselves so you can continue to abuse people for enjoyment without interruption of said enjoyment. That's who you are; that's what the human race is. Quit fighting the facts and just admit it to yourselves. No one is "unique" - you motherfuckers have been in a war against "unique" since you evolved from lemurs.
I wish I knew this before I wasted so much effort trying to build relationships with assholes.